Saturday,April 14th 2007

I feel so insulted!
Was on Yahoo! Answers,asked a question about "Murder and Fun",if they ever associated the two.Some woman called me a "sick ****" and reported me.Lol.So I reported her back.It wasn't fair of her,I simply asked a question!
Several people who have answered that question have labelled me "crazy" and "sociopath".What gets to people so much?

10 days to SYF!!!
Had choir this morning.It wasn't a bad practice.The sec 2s,3s,and 5s had to go for their 2.4km run,so for most of the practice,only the sec 1s and 4s were present.We learnt a little of "Magos a rutafa",this Hungarian song which I last performed in Sec 1.It feels good picking it up again after 2 years,vaguely knowing how to sing it,notes especially,except maybe for the first page.The end of the first page,I'm not really sure about.Managed to teach juniors,I think they're going to be fine with the song.The language needs some getting-used-to,though.
I'm getting better at Chinese songs, too.Getting better at following the lyrics and singing along.For someone like me,it's not easy,but it's getting less tiring trying to guess the words in the booklet of lyrics.Don't forget in some songs,the rhythm is much faster than in others.
Also,I discovered that playing the piano is actually fun.I don't (and never did) like music theory much,but playing keys on the piano is quite fun,especially when you hit the right chords and it makes music.I only knew the VERY basics of piano,I took lessons long ago.I learnt to play "Seek Ye First" and "Father,I Thank You" by myself today!!!
Nice accomplishment after so long.

Still ill.I wonder what's happening in my body's digestive system?Something clogged up?Might be a bile issue.Scary.
Family isn't displaying any signs of worry,I've been sick for a week now.

You know,I've been thinking,if one is suffering from a terminal illness,why should he try to fight it?Shouldn't he just accept what's coming to him?

Tuesday,April 10th 2007

I had a dream last night.
It was more of a nightmare,but I didn't wake up crying or in cold sweat.It was quite frightening,though.

My dream went like this:
It was very near choir's SYF day,and I was getting my choir gown ready and stuff.For some odd reason,I decided to make soup while waiting for time to pass,the time between then and the time for a full dress rehersal at VCH.
I didn't have flavouring for my soup,so I brought plain water to a boil and hunted around for something to flavour it.
Finding nothing,my eyes landed on my dear pet rabbit.

Even while I was dreaming,I somehow saw how stupid my own thinking was when I was me in my dream.However,the "Me" in my dream didn't know how stupid her thinking was.
She thought that her rabbit could spare some juice and flavouring to/for the soup after boiling in the pot for awhile and somehow still be alive minutes later.She thought that her rabbit wouldn't die if she put it into the pot of boiling water.
So she did.

Eight minutes later,after she came back from the bathroom,she looked in and saw a shrunken rabbit,less than half it's original size.She expected the head to be the only "alive" part of the rabbit,but how silly of her.
To her horror,half of the shrunken rabbit's face had hardened,eye and all.It was all brown and baked earth-like.
It was boiling,boiling...
And she wept at her stupidity.
______________________

I think I've been reading/thinking too much (about) Hannibal Rising.
In the book,two things were boiled in the copper baby bathtub that belonged to Mischa.One was a little deer that was hunted by the soldiers who took refuge in the lodge where Hannibal and Mischa were hiding,the other thing was Mischa herself.
Hannibal had memories of the skull of the deer bubbling in the baby bathtub,it's horns hitting against the side as if making a last desperate attempt to butt it's way out.

I'm still ill,I've been since Sunday morning.I was fine yesterday,although I tried not to move around too much.This morning I ran 7 rounds around the track for morning run(s),and I had a pretty unhealthy recess.A piece of roti prata and a piece of fried egg.Thinking about that now,I feel sick.Little bit of honey when I was trying the samples at the temporary honey stall set up by some people in the canteen.I had a bad headache during some classes.
It was raining,so I asked dad to fetch me from school.He took exactly half an hour to get there.What is this?!He only takes about 15 minutes to fetch me to school.Of course,there are always delays,so lets make that 20 mins.
Oh yeah,while we're typing about this,I would like to add how difficult it is for me to get to school on time in the morning.

Choir just increased morning run(s) to twice a week,and we have to start latest by 7.10am.If I don't get there on time,my attendence won't be taken,then I'll be scolded,probably by Mrs Low.
How unfair is it if you're the first one to wake up at 5.50am every school day and is the one scolded for being late?I'll tell you why.When you're hurrying people at 6.40am,they say it's still too early.STILL TOO EARLY.
I can't stand my father's taunting face when I keep quiet after he says that because he knows that without him,I wouldn't be able to get to school on time.No,be it on time or not.I can't take the MRT because he'll suddenly become suspicious and go crazy about why I have to be in school so "early".
At 6.45am,people are still choosing clothes,what to wear,etc.It's bloody annoying.I don't even want to read/hear any comments on it.DON'T.
Can't you people see how difficult things are for me?It's not as if I'm running in the morning by CHOICE.Who the hell wants to wake up so early and have to make everyone else unhappy,just to go early enough to run?!
Just because I'm the youngest doesn't mean I'm not a person.
I don't feel like elaborating on that now.

Back to the topic of me being sick.
I think it was the Mac & Cheese that made me feel sick again today.I had that for lunch,perhaps it was too cheesy for my ill-conditioned digestive system to take.I couldn't finish the meal anyway.I drank a bottle of Yakult after that,all while watching "There's Something About Mary".
Took a shower,did some Math homework,felt too sick to complete.I felt strangely bloated and felt like vomiting.I lay daydreaming for awhile,then came outside to use the computer because I remembered my dream and wanted to blog about it.
It's now 8.33pm,I haven't had my dinner.Still feeling sick.Hands injured in many places.Poked by thick wire,thin wire,thinner wire,impaled by a pencil & safety-pin,cut by metal toilet-roll holders,cut by paper,bruised by watch,by wire,and being accidentally hit by people...

English Oral Prelims are tomorrow.I don't know how I'll do.Worried about my Accounts homework because I have no idea how to go about doing it.Just remembered the two English compres Ms Yip gave us today.I can almost swear just thinking about them,and how I'm going to have choir after Eng Oral tomorrow and get home really late with no time to complete,and my uncompleted Math homework as well,don't forget that we've to draw those stupid diagrams.Speed-time graphs/Velocity-time graphs/Distance-time graphs...There's SS tomorrow and we were supposed to do Q 1(b) from the 5-yrs series.I did that already,but I'm not sure if my answer will be considered acceptable.Curse the people who introduced Social Studies to the world.

Oh no,Mom just told me to drink some soup.

Sunday,Apr 8th 2007

Just my luck to be sick on Easter Sunday!Thought it was a day when everyone would rejoice.
It's only 2.49pm,and since 8am I've suffered from diarrhoea and vomiting.I won't gross you guys out with details,but I feel terrible.Can't even eat properly!Tried to do a little Math homework,but feel too terrible to complete it.I haven't touched paper 2.If I'm feeling better I'll try again later.
I'm more worried about my Chinese homework,which I totally forgot about until half an hour ago.I left the newspaper in school,and Chinese is first thing tomorrow morning!I'm so gonna die.Lao shi would never believe my long-winded but truthful explanation.I wouldn't either,if I were her.

Couldn't sleep well last night.Felt terrible around 7am this morning.Thought the terrible feeling was gonna pass,so I ignored it and stayed in bed till about 8am,couldn't take it anymore and sat up in bed.See,the most pitiful thing about me was that I wasn't comfortable in any position.When lying down,my tummy/intestines hurt.When I sat up,I felt like vomiting.When I stood up,I felt dizzy.
Even I found myself pitiful.
Here's the most ironic part: I vomited right after I finished brushing my teeth.

Been too sick to think much,but I wonder if Singapore is considered a free country?What on earth is a free country anyway?!

Thurs,Apr 5th 2007

Jie,
If you can't say anything nice about my hair,don't say anything at all.

Sunday,April 1st 2007

It's gonna be short,it's already late.

Well,that applies to my compo as well,the one that was due days ago,which I haven't written.
I've finally gotten my hands on the book "Hannibal Rising".It's difficult to pry myself away from it,but I did last night before I went to bed only because I feared that it would fall off the bed if I hugged it to sleep.
It's pretty scary,the way it makes one think while reading it.It makes one think so deeply,about the story itself and poor Hannibal,and wonder about a lot of other things.Quite enjoyable,in a way.
It's a library book,by the way.I got it after my 2.4km run,and I consider it my reward for not giving up halfway during the run.Oh,and for buying 3 packets of tissues from that old handicapped lady in a wheelchair I always see sitting infront of the entrance to the MRT station.
She's been making a living out of selling tissues for years,I should know.I see her sitting there almost everyday,looking tired,holding out 3 packets of tissues,hoping someone would buy them for a dollar.
I never could bring myself to go out of my way to stop and dig out my wallet to produce a dollar (definitely laziness),but I finally did afew days ago,and it felt good because I think she needs that dollar more than I do.

Saturday,March 31st 2007

Some thoughts in the car on the way home from dinner @ Queenstown:

1)If you think a lot,technically,you'd learn something from everything you feel,see,touch,smell,taste.
When you start out as a child,you'd touch something and discover if it's smooth or rough.As you grow a little older,you start to wonder what's it made of.Then,you wonder why it's rough or smooth.
Feelings can teach you things.Causes and impacts,and why you are feeling that way.
The others are basic senses,with which you discover different sights,smells and tastes.
It's quite fascinating how curiosity develops more and more as people grow,how thoughts get deeper with each maturing step they take.

2)What's the limit of a human mind,or does it even have a limit?
For every person,there are two worlds.The one inside,and the one outside.For every 88 people,there are 89 worlds.No two people's inside worlds are exactly the same,like thumbprints.
Every person shares the world outside,but each and every person rules their own one inside.The world outside can be so boring,because after so many years,we have accustomed to routine.People wake up,brush their teeth,have breakfast,go to work,etc.
People in the world outside think it's crazy to do certain things,like trying wingless flight,or eating other people (Hannibal!),things like that.In the world inside,however,you can choose what to put there.People whom you don't want there,you can get rid of them.You can choose what you want to happen there,anything at all.
It's like dreaming,and nothing can hurt you in that world.

I had my 2.4km run at NYJC today.Thought it would be easier for me since I exercise regularly,but noooo.The first round seemed easy enough,but by the middle of the second round,I felt like I was dying,and what was most depressing was that I had 4 1/2 more rounds to go,and a time limit to fall under.My air passage closed up halfway so it was really difficult to breathe.The sweltering heat made me feel like my legs and feet were on fire,despite having socks and shoes on.They burned as if they were held over an open stove,I could almost imagine the orange-red flames dancing.
I had a goal to reach,and it was to get an A for my 2.4km run,which meant that I had to complete the run under 14.11mins.I felt like giving up halfway,but I pushed myself to the limit,coming up with reasons not to give up.It felt like total hell.I wasn't even told whether it was my last round or not,and when I ran past the group sitting at those large stone steps,they shouted some confusing stuff about me having finished my run,I was so flustered.I was furious at them for that,thinking that I missed my A because of it.However,Iffah told me I got my A.Isabel almost fainted or something,so Iffah helped me record my timing.I went to the group of PE teachers sitting not far away,asked for the standards of A.When I found out I really did get an A,I smiled to myself,glad that I finally reached my goal of getting 30 points Gold for my PFT.I never could do it,and for years I tried,but I probably only really made the effort this year.You know,extra stretching and training and stuff.
Now I'm aching every possible place in my body,even walking hurts now,but I'm happy and satisfied with what I've achieved.

Friday,March 30th 2007

What a long long week it's been.
It's been so tiring,so many things have happened and I've been struggling to catch up with homework all week.
Lets tackle these things one by one.

1)IJ Superstar:
It was terribly scary to have to go first.I was usually happy to have someone else go first,you know,so the rest of us had an example to follow,if we wanted to.Then I was picked to go first,because I had to rush off to choir practice anyway,I almost died.I had to set the benchmark.
Tried to keep calm and all,the keeping calm part didn't go too badly,but I couldn't walk around and sing,it felt as if my feet were nailed to the floor and when I tried to move them,I couldn't,so I just stood there,almost frozen save for a little bit of swaying through the song.
Well,sing I did,got nice comments from people,but I didn't make it through anyway.The judges were Mr Bernard Chan and Ms Lu Wenshi.I guess that explains a lot.I walked out of there knowing I did my best,and I didn't sound bad,so that was fine.
Kinda upset that Tiffy didn't make it.I mean,she deserves it.Nice voice,suited for Chinese pop,I guess,but I didn't get to hear her sing when her turn came because like I said,I had to rush off to choir prac.
Maybe I'll give it a shot again next year,we'll see.

2)Choir SYF Auditions:
Yes!I did it!I was practically shaking by the time I got to the Performing Arts room after IJ Superstar.The climbing down 6 stories contributed to the massive abdominal cramp I got just before choir started.Could hardly walk,felt dizzy,it hurt when I breathed.You can almost imagine how much I suffered.I felt so terrible,I almost gave up on recovering in time for the auditions.However,I knew I had to go for the auditions if I wanted to sing in SYF,so I asked Amanda if I could grab a bite because I hadn't had lunch and was feeling dizzy.She said yes,so I took the sausage roll thingy that mom bought the day before,and sat outside the room eating it.Thankfully,there was a tall stool there beside the shoe rack for me to sit on.I did,and I had to cling onto the shoe rack with one arm to keep myself from falling.I ate with the other hand.
I started to get better as my tummy filled up with food.I didn't have time for lunch before IJ Superstar lah. It still hurt a bit by the time I went in,but I was much much better than before,so I went to sit with my group and got ready for the auditions.
Somehow I still felt so scared from the IJ Superstar experience,I didn't feel nervous about the choir SYF auditions at all!I just sorta breezed through it.Surprisingly,my group sounded pretty good.We sounded confident.At least in tune.Some groups ended on really terrible chords.
Anxiety can destroy a lot of things,I've learnt.
I've also learnt never to miss lunch before doing something that requires a lot of courage.

3) PFT (5 Items)
Another accomplishment!Last year,I was so mad at myself when I only got Gold 28 points.I've been getting that for years now,I don't want to sustain,I want to improve,so I really pushed myself to the limit this time.I made sure I planned my time properly.My class' slot was at 4pm,we had to assemble in the hall at 3.45pm.We ended lessons at 1.35pm.I really took my time.Had lunch,then went up to class to waste some time for the food to digest.I had a lor mai kai,a white lotus paste pau,and an orange for lunch.I was the lame person who passed time by changing the words that were written on the board by Mr Fausta Tan when he came in for SS lesson before.It was some stuff about "Healthcare in S'pore",and there was a lot of stuff about that written on it.We did a draft on answering the question.I changed the topic on the board to "Hathcae in pore",whatever that is/was.I just had to entertain myself.
At around 3.15pm,the people who were in class got stretching.I stretched and stretched and stretched.I couldn't afford to miss an A in "Sit and Reach" by 0.5cm again.What's worse is that last year I was younger so I had less to reach A.This year's is increased by a few cm.I had to reach 45cm.Stretched until it felt so easy to reach so far forward I couldn't bend anymore.Hurt,but I forced myself.My aim was to get an A in every item so I could get 30 points Gold,including my 2.4km.Then,we ran around the 3rd level once,and then went to the hall.
First station was sit-ups.I managed 40 in a minute,darn.Shall aim for 50 next year.One second is clearly enough for a sit-up.
I can't remember what came next,it was all a blur,so I'll just type out what I got.Managed to reach 49cm for "Sit and Reach",185cm for Standing Broad Jump,11.25 seconds for Shuttle Run (I hate that),and 29 for Inclined Pull-ups.I improved from 27,which was all I managed to do last year,but somehow it wasn't as satisfying as I hoped.I need to get into the 50 push-ups-a-day routine again soon.
I got all As,and it was all just such a beautiful blur.I was so happy.Then I walked to class to pack my bag,ready to go home.Watched the Guitar Ensemble play for awhile.I reached level 1 after climbing down the stairs,suddenly felt really terrible.
Went into the chapel,cried and cried.

Tuesday,March 27th 2007

RUBBISH!!!

I feel like rubbish.So much homework to do.Also,dad "offered" to sit with me and do Math for an hour everyday.Actually,it's as good as death.
I'd rather die than sit with him and do Math for an hour everyday.I tried doing Math with him before,I couldn't survive a week of it.Awhile (one word or two?) of doing Math with him could make we crack.
I absolutely refuse to sit with him and do Math,even though it's nice of him to want to sacrifice his time for me.
It always ends in tears.

IJ Superstar semi-final rounds are tomorrow.I wonder if people will be allowed into the Dance Studio to watch?Most of me prays that people won't be allowed in,so as to save me the embarrassment if I don't sound good tomorrow.The acoustics there might suck.
You know,I don't think I'll care very much about whether I'd gotten past the semi-finals or not.I wanna walk out of that room knowing that I sounded good,and that I tried my best.
If they don't like it,they can jolly well kick me out.
Like I said,the people who said things were mostly the ones who didn't know a thing about singing.

Wish me luck! :)

Thursday,Mar 22 2007

How do you find joy in telling the truth when people think that everything you say is a lie?

Monday,March 19th 2007

I wish I had Celine Dion's voice.
When she hits certain notes,her voice just rings in this wonderfully pleasant way.I love her singing in "I'm Alive".The only thing in it I have to pick at is when she hits this long,high note on "my life",her placement changes and you can hear it so clearly.Darn,if only she didn't change her placement in the middle of that note.Must remind myself never to do that sort of thing.

Thanks,WY,for getting me the songs I wanted.
Ahh,still panicking.I haven't found someone who can remove vocals from a song,making it a minus-one track.Went to bed at around 12 midnight after watching a short DVD.Couldn't sleep."Woke up" tired this morning,but I survived the day.Terrible terrible day.

I still can't bring myself to show my parents my report book.I mean,yes,I finally passed Chinese,but that was only one of the many Chinese tests I took,and that was the only one I managed to pass,if only by 2 marks.In my report book,it's shown that I only passed 3 subjects.Dude.I wish they added the Physics/Bio marks into the combined Science marks.Can't remember which one they left out,but they did for one.I failed by a little for Art and Science.Damn it.
Passed 3 subjects,but that's only because Ms Kalpana allowed us to bring it home to re-do,and she keyed in those marks we got after we re-did it.Chinese,well,I didn't even know we were taking a CA.There was a Chinese test every week,so I guess they picked the one with the best results achieved generally.
If you don't count those two,I'd have only passed one subject-English.
I guess you could say that it's my fall-back subject.You know,like a cushion at the bottom of a pit in which I'll fall,if I ever.However,it's not as if my English is terrific.
People don't care about how hard it is for you to get there,they only want to see good results.They don't know how difficult it is,going up a notch.Suddenly you're forced to work a lot harder,and regardless of how hard you work,your grades start to slip because you came from the notch below.Watching your own grades drop,you start to feel hopeless because everyone around you is that notch higher.Your parents don't understand that either.They just want to see the same results you achieved when you were that notch lower.If your grades have become borderline,they assume you've become so much worse acadamically.See how it works now?
It's like that time my choir got a silver medal at the Choir Olympics 2006.
We've always been a "gold" choir,you see,at least for a while.Mrs Low always mentioned the gold medals whenever something about us was (being) announced.She's very proud of the golds.It's a reputation thing,you know?
When we came back with a silver medal in July 2006,I could hear the voices.Sneers.Smirks.Glares.
The girls at school were saying things.

You see,we were a "gold" choir.Having suddenly gotten a silver,it seemed as if we dropped a level.People don't care how a big deal that silver is to us,people don't care how much work it took to get there,they don't care how difficult that competition is/was.They just want to see the gold medal.
What gets to me most is that the people who said things,majority of them didn't know about singing.
Oh,yes,singing.What,pop songs?
Sure.

Friday,March 16th 2007

Another terrible day,but I really don't want to type about it.
Only that I went for Chinese supplementary lessons this morning at school.Turned out 2 girls couldn't make it,so there were only Rebecca,Lao Shi and I.The only thing comforting about the lesson was when Lao Shi told me that "ting xie" won't be next week because it's Sports Day on Thurs.That gives me another week to study.How come everything is being postponed all of a sudden?IJ Superstar has also been postponed.
Man,everyone should be so excited about Sports Day.We'll all be roasting,squashed together and made to cheer until our throats are sore.If you didn't already know,if you're a singer,losing your voice is the worst thing ever.

Some thoughts:
Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we all never grew up?I wish Adam and Eve hadn't eaten from that tree.If not for them,we'd still be little children running around the garden.
Children are so innocent.Most of them don't know what's right or wrong,so they just go around doing things so innocently,you can't even bear to punish them.When you're a child,the world is your playground.Anything can be your playground.I remember when I was little,I used to turn a chair over and climb over and under it,it was fun.
Being a child also means that one can escape/be excused from the responsibility an adult has to carry.You know how growing up is.All the bad things come flooding into your life,all just because you're getting to be an adult.People dump responsibility on you,regardless of whether you're ready or not.All the right and wrongs are more understandable,more distinguished,all because you're getting smarter,more mature.
What a curse.Adults have been alive for far too long.They get bored with their own lives so they start fiddling with yours.
If only we could all die by the age of 16.That's not even innocent enough.We won't even be children anymore.

I was walking to Borders from Orchard MRT station today.This little girl and her father were walking infront of me.The little girl was carrying a little furry giraffe backpack,complete with a giraffe keychain.She kept looking back at me,I don't know why.Maybe she was from some primary IJ,and I was wearing my uniform.
I thought about how little kids could get away with almost everything.Even carrying that backpack.You know how little kids always look so cute,whatever they do/say or whatever they wear?You also know once that little girl grows older,she won't be able to wear that backpack anymore.Society is so bloody cruel.
That little girl would be insulted,picked on,teased mercilessly by her peers if they saw her carrying it.Rumours would spread like wildfire.Just for carrying that little backpack,she might even get beaten up by older kids.
She'd grow up fearing everything,everyone,because kids aren't strong enough to withstand this kind of pressure.Kids were not made that way.Adults were not made that way either.She wouldn't just wake up one day and say/decide "I'm not going to be bullied anymore" because it wouldn't come true,even if she starts carrying a normal backpack.Her peers would just go up to her and ask "where's your little furry giraffe backpack,little girl?"
She'd be scarred for life,all because of a little furry giraffe backpack.
Now you know how cruel society is.

Tuesday,March 13th 2007

"Hannibal Rising" was absolutely awesome.

Didn't enquire about age restrictions with other cinemas,so I watched it at Eng Wah,TPEC branch.Yesss!It was the perfect movie.My first NC 16 movie.I also see why it's rated NC 16.
I mean,it had History and everything!
I still don't understand why critics give/gave it such a low rating.
Who would've thought that hatred could do so much?Love is such a dangerous thing.Poor Hannibal.

Sunday,March 11th 2007

Help!
I've been trying to remember something my choir conductor said a few days ago.Something meaningful,but I can't remember what it was!
Hopefully,it'll come back soon.

Lets see...Sarah Ho wants me to go to school at 10.30am tomorrow for some senior peer thingy in her leadership camp.It was nice of her to ask,but why me?!I'm in no position to judge her,she's a prefect and I'm just about...of no good status whatsoever.I'm afraid that maybe some teachers who hated me would be there tomorrow and wonder "why on earth is she here",you know.It's just so horrible,but I'm gonna do it for her.
How come people are suddenly asking me things?
For instance,take Fionn's birthday party thingy.It's unbelievable I got invited.I can't even remember the last time I got invited to someone's birthday party.

Argh,I hope Singapore imports the "Hannibal Rising" paperback soon.I don't think I can afford to pay $32 for the hardcover.I'm getting poorer by the day.

Slept at around 1am this morning,woke up at 10+,had to pee.Felt tired,so thought I'd go back to sleep till 10.30am when my alarm was set to ring.Was so tired,switched off my alarm when it rang and slept till 2.30pm+.Idled around all day,watched another disc of "The Simpsons".
What an unproductive day it's been.
I've been sneezing more than usual,maybe I'm coming down with something.I can't afford to,semi-finals are coming soon!!!

Saturday,March 10th 2007

Oh,I get to blog again!The bliss...
I feel terribly exhausted but I'm determined to post an entry.

I've been pretty busy,I don't quite know what's going on.Was stoning a little during choir today because I didn't get enough sleep last night.Choir got scolding,and then when my neck got painful and I had to let it relax and flop down,someone said something about "the people who are really paying attention are the ones who are looking up and listening".
Darn.Wrong timing.

After choir,Kat had to rush home for tuition,poor her.I waited for Gerv,she had to stay back for comm. meeting.Ended up eating really good chicken rice in Toa Payoh with some comm. members.I can't believe the people whom with I was eating are leaving in a few months,some even less.I can't believe I'll be the only Sec 5 there next year.The oldest kid in choir.I can't believe I'll be alone all over again.
This is probably worse.I'd be alone in choir, too.

After I got home I had my shower,then I wasted the rest of the day watching part of the sixth season of "The Simpsons".I couldn't even complete the 2nd disc because I was too tired.Here I am blogging now.
I am gonna sleep so well tonight.
I went to AMK and TP's Eng Wah cinemas today to find out about the age restrictions.Gosh,I even stuttered to the people at the counter.I asked if I would be allowed into NC16 movies if I'm turning 16 later this year.They said I'd be allowed because they go by year.As long as I was born in 1991.Cool.

I absolutely can't wait to watch "Hannibal Rising".Should I watch it by myself?I don't know if I prefer peace while watching movies or not.Don't like people insulting my tastes,esp in movies and such.
I just remembered I have to attend Fionn's birthday party on Wednesday night!I have choir on that day which ends at 4.30pm.Do'h!
I'm thinking of how to rush to and fro.

Gosh,I'm so tired,I barely know what I'm typing about.
Oh,I forgot to type about my dinner tonight.Mom ordered Pizza Hut home delivery,which was/were(I'm so tired,I can't tell which one to use) 2 regular pan pizzas,baked chicken meatballs,honey glazed chicken ribs..and she made soup.You know,the Campbell chicken soup.I ate about 3-4 slices of pizza,half a bowl of soup,one rib,3 meatballs...A little Shandy.Gosh,I ate like a monster.LOL,I felt like I hadn't eaten in years,I ate like there was no tomorrow.Ate ate ate,but there were still leftovers in the end.
Oh well.

Thursday,March 8th 2007

I'm finding more and more comfort in blogging nowadays.
You know,knowing that some people actually do read my blog.Thanks to those people.
Going for choir in the morning @ 8.30am tomorrow,and to a concert at night @ VCH.I hope I won't forget to bring Kathleen's ticket as well as my own.

Just took a look at Xueli and Daphne's English blog project,some points in the first post were repeated several times,but it was thoughtful.I never knew Xueli's name was "Tracy".
Today hadn't (hasn't?) been bad.Much much better than Tuesday.Maybe this is God's way of apologising.I remember complaining to Him about how bad Tuesday was.
Guess what His apology was?
I got past the auditions,am going into semi-finals!
Am trying not to get too happy,because it'll only hurt more when I get kicked out next round.I'm pretty sure,because clearly I'm not the best singer around.
When my friends came to tell me "bad news" during recess,I thought I was doomed for sure.I don't know...My mind ran wild.Thoughts like "Oh no,I didn't make it.This competition is harder than I thought,,they chose really good singers" went through my mind.I tried not to show my fear,though.Imagine what it would've been like if I really didn't get in?Mention of "bad news" got me so worked up already.
Thankfully,they were just joking.Some of them couldn't keep their faces straight anymore,so they blurted out ,"you got in!".At first,I thought they were really joking.How could I have gotten in?My audition wasn't bad,but it certainly wasn't good either.I said,"Are you serious?",and I went to look for myself.I was hoping so much Tiffy would get in,was so relieved when I saw her name below mine on that list.No,the names were just arranged according to what our queue numbers were,nothing to do with how well we sang.
She sang well,I was eavesdropping when she did her audition.LOL.

I'm hoping I can get my hands on some kind of music-editing software soon so I can edit out the artist's singing.They will disqualify us if we don't provide the minus-one or tracks without the original artist's singing for the semi-finals and finals.If I really can't,I hope Justina can help me.Heard from Belnice that she's good at that kinda thing.
Rebecca was even more excited for me than I was when she heard the news about me getting past the auditions.It was nice to know she's happy for me.Thanks,Becca.I appreciate it a lot.

A few other good things happened today,but I'm not going to type about them.I just don't feel like.
Seeing my name on that list suddenly made me feel like I have/had a status.You know,accomplishing something.Getting to that level shows people that you've met the requirements,at least for that level.
Becca was going,"Xiulin!You can sing!"

Even good days have/has it's bad sides.
When I told Dad about getting past the auditions,he didn't express any emotion,nor did he say anything at all.No "congratulations!" or "well done".He just kept his eyes on the road,remained silent until he asked me if I have had lunch yet.
How come parents just can't be happy with what their children are good at?He hates my CCA,and he says I read too much.

Tuesday,6th March 2007

Have you ever cracked under pressure?

It's been quite a terrible day.No,not because of the auditions.They went fine.Today had been terrible because of 2 experiences.
Ms Ho yelled at me again.Not sure if she considers that yelling but I almost went deaf.What she yelled hurt me more.It's funny when something you say so easily and casually can hurt someone so much.
I almost yelled back at her.
The one thing she yelled that stuck in my mind was/is "What do you want,Xiulin?",that was a question,really asking about what I want(ed?) in life or in Art.
To tell you guys the truth,I don't really know the answer to that question myself.Of course,everyone has hopes and dreams,but not everyone achieves/reaches them.Nowadays,you almost can't do anything without good academic results.It's as if the world depends on academics now.
People tell you you'll become a nobody without good results.People think you're not smart enough,etc.
If you know me well enough,you'd know that I'm not strong academically.Not at all,actually.Don't count English,that's a "cheat" subject,not that I'm good at it anyway.Things like Math I can't seem to pass.My current ambition requires a certain level of academic qualification(s?),so without good results,I can't get what I want even if I want(ed?) it.

Second experience made me crack.No,it was definitely not as bad as the first experience.I don't even know why it made me crack.I guess I just can't stand people yelling at me.
I went out of my room in the middle of doing my Math assignment to tell Dad about me attending another concert this Friday night.I tried to explain that this Friday was also a holiday in lieu of the O and N thingies,but in the middle of my explanation he cut me off by asking "Where is the concert" with his voiced raised.I slowly answered,"Victoria Concert Hall",then I went back to my room,cried and cried.
Typing about it now,it feels like I'm someone who watched the actions of this girl who went into her room to cry after being yelled at,after having a bad day.I want to reach out to her and tell her to be strong,to stick it out and win the battle,to have the patience to wait.I want to hug and comfort her,telling her that she needn't have to worry about all these problems anymore,they'll disappear soon,she can just go back to being a little kid and not having to take any responsibility,she doesn't have to care or understand,and would be forgiven for all the wrong she does/has/had done.
How can I reach out to her,to make her see that she needs to hold on?She might push me away.

Monday,March 5th 2007

Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
Oh,I guess I must be wishin' on someone else's star.

Auditions are tomorrow,but that's not the song I'm singing,though I'm tempted,but since I didn't work on it,I'm not gonna choose that song.
There were auditions held today,but I didn't go for today's,neither did I get a chance to hear/peek at the people who sang today.I thought I could learn a thing or two,to and not to do during the auditions.I'm actually nervous about the auditions.I was nervous about today's even though I wasn't going for it.Weird.
I'm panicking about the background music I will need to provide for semi/final rounds.Don't know if I'll even get that far,but these things can't be left to the last minute.Don't know what to do.If I can find sound-editing software,maybe I can use that to edit out the vocal singing in the songs,but if I don't?!Who would help me record the file(s)?Who would offer to help to play a musical instrument according to how the song goes?!
I failed my Geog test.CA or whatever you wanna call it.We didn't have enough time,it wasn't fair!I didn't even get to complete my first question.I got a 6/15,if you must know.However,if you count it in such a way that 6 is out of the total marks for the first question,I'd get 6/8.See,that sounds so much more impressive and convincing already!

Recently got interested in "Hannibal Rising".I don't know.It's so alluring.You know,so mysterious and seductive.
Feel like catching that movie,only I'm not sure (if) I can get in to watch it.The rating is NC 16.Am I allowed?Does Cathay Cine or somewhere go by year?Quite desperate to catch it,only I'm not sure if anyone would want to go watch it with me.Most secondary school girls are the squeamish type.
Sigh.
Anyway,today wasn't bad.Nothing really bad happened,except maybe I felt insulted by Ms Ho this morning,but I got over it during Math lesson when I got absorbed in my assignment.Technically,the day isn't over yet,so who knows,something bad may happen later.Sometimes it's like that.
Don't know why something I say always rubs someone the wrong way,so I prefer to just keep my mouth shut around people.

It's hard to believe that the really large pile of rubble where the former (and temporary) NTUC once stood was a place of food shopping last year,or as early as end Jan this year.I was so surprised/shocked at what I saw,when I looked out the window just now and saw all that rubble.
It's amazing how something is so easily reduced to nothing,but that something took so long and much to build up.

Sunday,March 3rd 2007

Oh my gosh,I feel sad.
Sigh.Can't get my hands on my "childhood movie", "My Boyfriend's Back" (1993).I remember watching it 11 years ago on television,I remember singing a song from it in the shower when I was 4.
It's about this guy who likes this girl and he gets shot "for" her.He comes back from the dead as a zombie.Stuff happens and in the end I remember a scene where he dances with that girl at the prom,and then he collapses (sp?).Very sweet story.
Kinda grew up with it.
Now,I can't find it anywhere!Not even HMV/Borders/Video Ezy carries(y?) it!Mom forgot that she once told me to check the price online for order over the internet.She said "since when?",that made me want to cry.I guess I can't blame her for forgetting that.She seems to be forgetting things nowadays.It hurts all the same.
I don't have a credit card or something I can order and make payment with for the DVD if I order over the net.The darn show is nowhere to be found in Singapore!
Costs a lot to order over the net,too.I think it's about 16+ US dollars,which is about 30+ Singapore $.Sigh.How many more years will I have to wait?I've waited about 11 years already.A few more won't make much of a difference,actually.It's already been more than half my life.
But-well,I want it so much.It's just this longing for something long ago,good times and memories when I was just a little kid and oblivious to the problems that people faced around me,oblivious to my own problems,actually.It's that carefree feeling.
When you don't have to care about anything else but the movie.No problems,no worries whatsoever.

Friday,March 2nd 2007

Yes!
This is the final post for the 10-days-straight thingy.I wanted to see if I could post an entry each day for 10 days straight!
Anyway,today was boring.We had PE first,our teacher didn't come again.Why is she given several classes if she's so busy all the time?She disappears for at least half a lesson each time.Today,she didn't appear at all,but that was because she's at Sec 3 Adventure Camp.
I mean,it's just stupid to force yourself to take up so many things when you know you can't cope,what with your busy schedule and all.
We ran 6 rounds,did 20 push-ups,20 sit-ups,and then we could play our own games.I chose to play badminton again.Somehow no matter how much you play it,you('ll?) never feel satisfied.Maybe that's only me.
Felt giddy after PE,probably due to exercise during PE and lack of sleep the night before.I was practicing my singing till about 12.45am.Had a bad headache after PE,so I slept through Accounts.Ms Kalpana was just writing examples on the board for people to copy.She wasn't focused either,because the O/A (which one?) level results were released today.
After Accounts was Geog,and we had a test.I studied,okay!I knew how to answer all the questions,but the bad thing was we were given so little time,I didn't even get to complete my first question.The answers were all from/in the source given!It's as if we were given 15-20 mins to complete the whole test!We did mention to Ms Yip that there wasn't enough time for us to finish it,so she said she'd mark leniently.
I think no matter how lenient she marks this test of mine,I'll still fail.
Darn.

I can't remember what happened during Accounts after recess.English was fine,we had to do a table for points for summary from a passage.Didn't have enough time,so Ms Yip allowed us to bring it home to complete.
I've seen enough Geography today.I've even gotten it drilled into my head that "Tourism refers to the activity of tourists and the industry that caters to their needs".
What is a tourist?I think it was something to do with "someone who travels to another country for more than 24 hours but not more than a year" or something like that.
Brain-dead now,almost fell asleep at dinner just now.It wasn't even anything grand,just take-away chicken porridge at home reading "Totto-chan".That book's quite sweet,although maybe a little basic.Need to eat stuff like chicken porridge.I've been doing intensive singing these few days,especially during the SYF preliminary auditions on Wednesday.Practiced singing last night,gonna sing tomorrow at some exchange thingy,singing again on Monday/Tues for auditions.
Concert to attend on Sunday at NUS cultural centre.Still planning with Jia and Gerv about transport/dinner/meeting.Darn,why isn't Kat going?
Gosh,I'm so tired now,my eyes are closing.Eyelids so heavy.
Sigh,what a terrible week it's been.Oh,it isn't even over yet.There's still tomorrow.
What will tomorrow bring?

Thursday,March 1st 2007

I finally got back my essay on "Flight".Somehow the people sitting around me got it back weeks/months ago.I only got it back today.
Shall type it out,here it is:

"Only yesterday during lesson-time,I was staring out my classroom window,my gaze fixed on a black-feathered bird lightly hopping on the ledge.I thought of how lucky wild birds were,for they could go almost anywhere in the world with their ability to fly.How happy I would be if I never had to fear falling,for if birds lost their footing,they only had to flap their wings to fly,to save them from the hard concrete ground that lies so far below.

I have always wished that I could fly.That could solve many problems like having to take public transport.Also,flying is so much faster than walking.It would also be a way for me to escape from the stress in my life.I would just flap my wings and fly to all the beautiful places in the world.I wonder what flying feels like?Does it become such a habit for birds that they no longer find joy in flying?

Flight is such a beautiful thing,to be able to soar through the air,not having to worry about falling.How would it feel to have wind beneath my wings,if I were a bird?Would my feathers be so thick,I would not be able to feel the cool water vapour condense on my skin?

As much as flying may be wonderful,everything is good and bad.What if I were soaring happily in the sky,free from all worries,and suddenly a bullet is shot through my wing?I would then start to fall,watching the heavens get further and further away."

I thought it was/is a terrible compo.It was more of thoughts than a compo.It was done by me on Jan 4th 2007,first English lesson of the year.No wonder it was/is terrible.
Ms Yip gave it a 7 1/2 upon 10 (only),her comments on the paper are/were "Interesting piece, Xiulin!Well-written, too!"
I was quite surprised at this.Then I read the compo again and couldn't believe I wrote it.
The last line is like poetry.

Wednesday,Feb 28th 2007

Where do I even begin?!

There was a Physics re-test on "static electricity" today,I think I did quite well.I knew how to answer every question,so that's good,right?Right?!I marked Zul's paper,she didn't do too badly,11/15.
It's the first test I ever felt ready for.You know,prepared and everything,having studied.

Another major thing that took place today were auditions for SYF.Well,Ms Tham said they were "preliminary" auditions because the people who were "pulled out" today were just told not to sing this Saturday.We're gonna have another round of auditions nearer to April.
I made it past this round,thank God.I used up so much of my energy being nervous and stressed that by the time the auditions were over,I was exhausted.The fact that I had been tired since I awoke this morning didn't help.Had a bad headache throughout the day.My head's still throbbing now as I type these words.
Am trying to set my own "record" for blogging for 10 days straight.Lol.

I think I forgot to mention that Mrs Low returned to school on Monday.For one thing,she's definitely different somehow.Softer.More easily hurt.Nicer.Somehow,I don't feel happy with her changed.It's like something about her will never be the same again.I'm not used to her being so nice.Not sure yet because today was the first time she came back to choir after she returned to school.
I'll always know Mrs Low as the strongest woman I've met.She used to scold people all the time,lecturing and things like that,but she does/did have a sense of humour.It's just so strange seeing her change so suddenly,but we all know we can't blame her.
We'll never know how it feels like to lose someone we love most dearly until it happens to us.

I just hope she's not trying to hold in all her emotions,trying to fake it through everything she does.She might go crazy if she does that,it feels terrible to have to bottle up your feelings just because you want people to think you're strong.

Ah!My eyelids feel heavy,yet I'm determined to stay up.It's only 9.09pm!
I realised that whenever I have something important like singing auditions coming up or things like that,it makes me want to eat unhealthy food like fried stuff and chocolate and snacks,I don't know why.It's that urge.It's weird.I'm weird.
I hope I don't lose my voice before the upcoming auditions next week.I can't afford to.If I do lose my voice or develope some illness before the auditions,I shall not enter the competition.I'd be courting death if I do.Maybe not death,but humiliation,perhaps.Public humiliation.
Being in a secondary school for girls is most dangerous,because girls like to gossip and rumours spread like fire.Bad news spreads quickly.The "badder" the news,the faster it spreads.Some even rejoice after receiving bad news of other people.
I just realised that I have to attend a concert by NUS choir this Sunday.I totally forgot all about it until Christine reminded us this morning at school singers.Not very excited about the concert because almost none of the sec 4s whom I hang out with are going.The ones who "are" aren't even sure they can make it on that day.
Darn.

Tuesday,Feb 27th 2007

Nothing much happened today,except the picture I drew (tried to draw) of Brendan Fraser and that little monkey in "George of the Jungle" during Art turned out like crap.Seriously.Luckily,he still looked human in my drawing,not some mythical creature.

It's such a comfort to be able to blog again,yet when I actually have the chance I can't type out what I want to say.So many thoughts and experiences..

Still obsessing over what to sing,auditions are next week!I think I'll probably sing the "younger" version of Billy Joel's "Tell Her About It".Go listen to Clay Aiken's version from American Idol 2 on Youtube.Luckily for me,they said we don't have to sing the whole song at the auditions,we can even sing the chorus itself,but that's only for auditions.
I guess it's the hearing-your-voice thing.

I feel really really tired.
We had Thanksgiving Mass this morning,but that's not what made me tired,I'm sure.Mass is usually enjoyable,but this time a little less because the classes assigned to sing didn't really sing out.Don't know if they were shy or they couldn't be bothered to.It was nice to get away from lessons and have mass instead,though.So many levels of the school cramped together in the hall,including the people who have just graduated,I felt safe somehow.You know,sandwiched in the middle of so many people wearing the same uniform,it's like we were one body,nobody could hurt us.
It was Chinese after that,we got back our compo,something about people donating spoilt/unusable things to charity.I passed it.
Physics after,we were given back our test on "static electricity",about all the charges moving around and stuff.I think 11 people passed and I was/am one of them.I was surprised,actually.I thought I would do really badly.I only got 8/15,but I passed nontheless.The highest was 10/15.It was amazing and fascinating to know how many people failed the test.It was so bad that Ms Lim has decided to give us a re-test on the same chapter tomorrow.

Having passed two things today,I feel I've accomplished something,like I'm not that terrible after all.Well,still terrible,but hopefully improving.

Monday,Feb 26th 2007

What a terrible day it's been.
I've been obsessing over what to sing for some time now.It's been giving me constant headaches.It's like having a closet full of clothes but nothing to wear,if you know what I mean.Only in this case it's having so many songs but nothing to sing.
I dunno.Like suddenly there's nothing suitable.
I'm quite tired,forgive me.There may be some Eng-related mistakes here and there.I didn't get enough sleep last night,I couldn't sleep.Why?I don't know.
Lets see.I have this issue I really need to type about.
Just because you dislike my idol does not mean you have to insult him.

It does not mean that you can make stuff up about him and insult him to my face.The worst part is saying it to ME.What,that he slept around and then turned gay?Are you blind?Heartless,perhaps?What's your problem?!Am I that transparent?Why can't I be like everybody else and idolize someone?
Oh,and if I say anything to insult you or your idol,there'll be dire consequences for me?When you insult my idol,I can't say/do anything?
Wake up,I'm human.
Can't you spare a thought for what it's like for me,for what I feel?
When did you become so insensitive?

Sunday,Feb 25th 2007

I think I'll squeeze in a blog entry before the internet cuts off-if it does.
I have to wake up extra early tomorrow because my brother needs to go to NS camp,somewhere in Clementi,and needs to reach there by 7am so we need to leave the house latest by 6.15am,which is perfect because I have to be early at school singers tomorrow to practice with my octets audition group.
I bought Josh Groban's "Awake" on Saturday when I went to Junction 8 with Kathleen to buy her ear alcohol solution thingy which she bought 2 bottles of.Just transferred the songs into my iPod mini,the songs I've heard so far on the comp are quite nice.
I mean,his music and singing ain't bad,you know?
I've been wanting "Awake" for some time now,I've finally bought it!!!
Frustrating having to go back to school tomorrow.So many things going on this week,I hate it.Math test tomorrow,SYF auditions on Wednesday,sign-ups on Thursday,Geog test on "Tourism" on Friday,combined choir thingy on Saturday.
What will tomorrow bring?
I hate that question,'cos I know I'll never know tomorrow.God won't tell me.
Tsk!
I'll just have to remember to bring my tuning fork tomorrow.Oh,and go over my notes for the test.

Sat,Feb 24th 2007

My conversations with people are getting more and more awkward by the day.
It's really frightening.
I hate awkward conversations.I hate anything awkward.It's not a nice feeling.

There was choir practice this morning.We had "sectionals" in our octets grouping.My little buddy and I were grouped together with other people,approx 2 from each section from the choir.At first we had to survive practicing,getting notes from my tuning fork because we didn't have a piano or pitchpipe with us.It wasn't that bad,I think,though troublesome to have to think so much about what the notes are,but maybe thinking more is a good thing so we don't rely too much on people giving us our pitch all the time,being so easy.
My other knee is bruised quite badly because of me hitting it with the tuning fork.
The octets trial thing was really horrible.It's not that we want to feel scared,we can't help it.It's always that thing when you tell yourself you're not scared,you shouldn't be and you can't be,but the minute it's your turn to sing,you turn to jelly.It's the rush of that cold feeling and breathlessness,not enough people to cover your staggering,thus making it so obvious.People can't help being scared.If people had control over whether they were scared or not,nobody in the world would be scared at all.
So why do they keep telling us not to be scared?!
It was pretty irritating to hear that people were so out-of-tune,but like I said,it's probably because they were scared.They wouldn't get into choir if they really were that bad all the time.In the end,every group was quite horrible,so mine wasn't that contrasting.I thought I did pretty well myself for the first few songs (or times we sang the songs) but Si Jia said she couldn't hear me at all.
Oh my gosh,maybe it really is true!Maybe my singing is only nice in my ears,in my mind!Maybe to other people,I'm horribly out of tune,maybe thats why my friends kept telling me to stop singing last year,or maybe it's because I sang all the time and they got irritated.
I won't be budged by that.I'll never know how bad I sound unless I audition,both for choir and the other thing which I'm pretty embarrassed about.
Still not sure what song to sing.I used to have so many good songs,but when I listen to them now and sing they don't sound right.It's freaky how your mind changes when something new comes up.
Considering "Someone Else's Star" by Bryan White,and "I Surrender" by Celine Dion.Celine Dion has/had such an amazing voice,I don't know if I'm that standard.Ok,definately not,but I still love that song.Hopefully we don't have to sing whole songs for the audition.I'm afraid that I won't be able to reach some of the highest notes.

Friday,Feb 23rd 2007

Have you ever feared rejection?
Rejection is one of my greatest fears,alongside negativity and failure.

It's like what I posted yesterday or so,stuff about CLB.It's being told that you're just not good enough,so you have to go.They did say they weren't forcing us to take CLB,but they did say they strongly encourage us to do so,"for our own good".
Today,we were supposed to give Mdm Hong our answers to whether we want/agree to take CLB or not.Asking around,people started to have second thoughts,even those people who were so eager to take it in the first place.
I think Dawn is quite willing.Cherre and Dels are okay with it,too.Not sure if they are taking it,though.I think there were some others who wholeheartedly embraced the idea of taking CLB.I know it seems tempting,it looks so easy.Everything's multiple choice!But where is it really taking you?
What happens after you do take the paper?Is the school lying about that,too?

I said no to CLB,thank God.I felt so..different.Mdm Hong even told the people whose names she read out yesterday to sit together at the other side of the class.It's like she was classifying us,you know?
Why can't everybody just stay the same,why is it so difficult to blend in?How come there's always something about you to change,to make you different from everyone else?
I thought taking Express English was bad enough.
People are never happy with themselves.They always want what other people have,that they don't.It's like people who are pure Normal (Acadamic) are jealous because people like me get to take a higher level of a certain subject.You think it's fun?You think it's good?
Everything's good and bad,I have to admit.
To all you pure Normal (Acad) people out there,be happy with what you've got.You can blend in well with everybody else.Why do you want to stand out and be different?Nobody wants to stand beside you,also literally.
No-one wants to sit with you unless they have no choice.No-one wants to partner you when the class is told to line-up.It's like there's no difference if you're there or not.It won't matter if you don't exist in that classroom,in that school.Why should they go out of their way to make you happy?You're a loner,they have their own friends,so they stick with them and leave the loner alone.
They talk over your head,they talk across you,you're transparent,you're invisible unless you really drill in the fact that hey,you're human and you really are there,you're flesh and blood.
I digressed.

Back to the point,rejection.God is giving me a second chance.It was/is frightening,yet pleasant.How come,you ask?
At the beginning of the year,not too long ago,they held sign-ups and auditions for people who want to perform on Opening Night.I thought no sec 4s were allowed,and I didn't have any courage to go anyway so I didn't.
Only after the auditions were held and sign-ups were closed did I realise how much I regretted not going,not trying out,just to see if I was good enough or not.This is quite embarrassing to admit,I'm telling you.I thought that sign-ups were closed,fullstop.That was it.
But only this morning,Lu Lao Shi announced something about IJ Superstar.It felt special,like I was hearing it from above.I know it sounds stupid,but after I regretted missing the Opening Night auditions,I've decided not to let the chance slip by again.
I'm gonna try out,unless there's a strict rule that says Sec 4s can't take part.I'd hate it,but if that's the case then there's nothing I can do.I guess I won't be too disappointed if they set that rule,because it won't be as if I didn't have the courage to go and audition,it's because they said no.
One thing I fear about it is rejection.
Rejection telling you that you're not good enough for this,thanks for coming and trying out.
Thanks for taking part,but you're not good enough,you're out of the competition.
Thanks for taking part,but nobody voted for you,so you're out of the competition.
Does the competition even go by votes or just judges?
I have seen too many people get crushed watching the American Idol auditions on TV.People get told that they're not good enough by their own idols.I felt so terrible for them,like I was being crushed myself.The thing you always loved to do,and your idol,whom you've loved and looked up to and followed for so long,just tell you that you sound bad,and your whole world turns pitch black.I imagined my idol doing that to me.
I'd run straight out of that room and jump infront of a car or fling myself off a building,no second thoughts whatsoever.
I only know the complete lyrics to one Chinese song,I hope it's enough,if I can get to the finals.Ha,ha,ha.Lu Lao Shi said Chinese and English songs are needed if you get into the finals.I'm not sure I can even make it past the auditions.
I fear that if I am rejected,my whole self-esteem and confidence will crash.Not only that,everything else will crash with it.My pride,my hopes and dreams,my studies.So many disadvantages to consider,I know,but what will happen if I never try?
Probably nothing,but I won't know how good I really am.Don't know if my singing is only nice to my ears,in my mind.Maybe it's horrible.
But you know,so what if I do make it?So what?You get the title,fullstop.What's in a name?I guess it's "you sing well",that's pretty much what every singer wants to hear.But,aiya.Here I am asking myself if it's gonna be worth it,be it if I make it past the auditions or get rejected straightaway,having all those disadvantages...
It's getting humiliated in public,but you can say that's not the worse that could happen.

Thursday,Feb 22 2007

I hate awkward conversations.
I've had so many of them in my life so far,I can't even count them.I wish I were trained to keep conversations going,flowing like water.I hate those awkward pauses!
They make me feel uneasy.
I want to learn how to carry on conversing without it being awkward,and I want to learn to think before I speak.You know,so I don't say the wrong things and hurt people or something like that.
How come when I talk to people,my mind instantly goes blank?!
Do'h!

I was so bloody upset today.
My Chinese teacher read out some names and advised these people to take CLB.I felt so insulted when my name was read!She did show us the format,it looked easy,and was tempting,but I told myself not to give in to it.I asked her if we are being forced to take CLB,she said no,thank God.
I have no idea why some kids were/are so desperate to take CLB when she told us about it.Don't they feel insulted at all?It's like telling us that we're simply not good enough and we're rejected from our present Chinese class,yet they embrace it wholeheartedly.They're crazy.
I just passed a Chinese test and my last two "ting xie"s and you come and tell me I should take CLB?
What's your problem?!
No NO NONONO I'd never degrade myself to that level.Never.
I'd rather jump off the top of a building than stoop that "low".
By recess time I was so upset,I was ready to stab someone with my fork.

It did get worse.
Accounts came.Ms Kalpana gave us back our test.I was already upset,so I spared myself from seeing the marks I got.I refused.I was ready to tear or burn it.I was entertaining the idea of tearing it more because then it'd be like "snow" if I threw little bits of paper in the air.
I knew I failed terribly because when we were given the test I had no idea what I was doing,but I admit it was my fault.I didn't really study because until now I have no idea what Kalpana has been trying to teach us this year.
More happened during Accounts,but I don't want to type about it.
Don't know where all this is going,esp about Accounts.
All I know now is that I'll never let myself be degraded to taking CLB.

Wednesday,Feb 21st 2007 post 2

I'm so bored,I decided to post another blog entry.

It just hit me seconds ago:How is a friendship forged?
Forge-to form or make,esp. by concentrated effort.

To form or make a friendship by concentrated effort?
Friend-a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Friendship-a friendly relation or intimacy.

So forging a friendship is to form or make a friendly relation or intimacy,and the person whom with you forge a friendship will become a person attached to you by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Regard-to have or show respect or concern for.

I never really delved into casual phrases/remarks.
It's amazing what it really means to forge a friendship,yet who can say that dictionaries are always right about what things really mean/are?

For example,love.
What is love?I have asked many people this same question,they all gave me different answers.They either came up with examples or could not explain it.
Lets find out what the dictionary says.

Love-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
-to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
-to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

Now take a minute to think about it.Ignore the dictionary meanings unless you strongly strongly agree with one/some/all of them.Ask yourself the question "What is love?"
People say "I love you" all the time,or "I love your hair!" or anything with "love" innit,but what do they really mean,and do they really mean it at all,or are they just saying it for fun,or to make you happy,or even to lie to you?

Wednesday,Feb 21st 2007

Y'know,it's amazing what cutting your hair can do for you.
In my school,short hair can do wonders,I guess.It may not make you popular,but it gets you noticed,don't ask me why.
It's been,in a way,a terrible week so far.No,nothing drastic happened,it's just one of those usual bad weeks.Aiya,I always have bad weeks lah.Visiting relatives can be good,yet bad.Is my comma in the right place?I hate it when those aunties have nothing better to talk about so they try to bring up a topic related to you,and come on,if they want to say something bad or negative about you,at least do it when you're not sitting there infront of them.
Gossiping starts there.Another root of evil besides money.
I mean,you have guests,at least have the basic courtesy to ACT nice infront of them,right?

Back to school after the CNY hols today,had some tests flung in our faces.Incredible,right?One during SS,one during Physics.The Physics one wasn't so bad,it was MCQ,and I didn't do too badly for it.How's 16/24?
Oh,how I dislike Social Studies.We were given about 1 period to study about "Problems of the British Welfare State",and then had the test thrown at us.It was nice of Mr Tan to give us time to study for it.I'd prefer to be given time before the test to study,because otherwise I wouldn't bother to study for it at all.
He said if we didn't pass it,we will have to come back to school every single day during the March holidays for lessons/remedial.Honestly,I have better things to do.Also,there's no way I'm missing choir practice for some SS remedial lessons.NO WAY!

Wow.This bold/italic feature is cool.How come I never noticed it before?

I feel like playing "The Sims 2" but I'm afraid to play with Nervous Subject because it's only 10 days till he becomes an elder.That's in SIM days,mind you,that can pass in under an hour.I've tried creating more Nervous(s) but I couldn't get the face right,dang it.The original Nervous is much cuter.

I feel like doing something unproductive now,but it has to be..entertaining.I think my brother took my "Moulin Rouge".Don't feel like wasting time on playing computer games right now.Should I watch a video or something?
Muscles aching from rock-climbing yesterday.A bruise on each knee (gosh,the one on the left knee hurts so much!) and I also bruised all my toes.
This is typical after rock-climbing,I assure you.

Sunday,Feb 18th 2007 12:38am

I'd better type this before I "get" disheartened again.
I've passed my most recent Chinese test!!!
We get one every week,and I passed this one!
Hooray,hooray.
Mdm Hong told me before Assembly on Valentine's Day,so that was good.It was so amazing,the news didn't sink in till hours later.
I know,I know,it sounds pathetic.I sound so excited about passing Chinese.You gotta understand that I haven't passed my Chinese in a really,really long time.
I told Mdm Hong not to be too happy,I may have passed this one but may not be able to pass the next one.She just told me to keep trying.
How to keep trying?
We aren't even told what to study,but I like it that way.It gives me a reason to not touch some weird textbook or anything like that.

Sunday,Feb 11th 2007

Self-awareness camp was great!The part about getting to know people better was/is quite true.The only thing I hated about it was the part about having to share your most treasured thing in your life.Hahaha.So many people cried,and you know the kind of situation where something they're crying about reminds you of something funny and you almost laugh but manage to hold back just in case people think you heartless to laugh when someone else is so down and crying about something?
I hate those situations.
After we broke camp I went to lunch @ Long John Silver's with Xueli,Wei Lin,and Daphne.We wanted Joey and Vanessa to come along,but Joey wanted to go home so badly,so we didn't force her.Vanessa was just lazy or something lah,so we didn't force her either,though they kinda spoilt it.Wei Lin was being grumpy because we chose to walk the distance of one bus-stop from CAYC to Hougang Mall instead of taking a bus.
BUT at least Long John Silver's cheered her up,she likes their food.
I came home,read all the little notes that my classmates put in my envelope (spelling?),felt happy,went to wash my face,switched on the air-conditioner and slept from 3pm-9pm.LOL.Then I was awoken by my father practically yelling at me to wake up,went to have dinner and a shower,and then sat myself infront of the computer.Time flew by and it was past midnight.I went to brush my teeth and slept till 11.30am.
What an awful lot of sleep,I hope I grew taller during the night!

Thurs,Feb 8th 2007

Hey everybody.
Tomorrow's Self-Awareness Camp day for me.
I'm looking forward to it,yet I'm dreading it too.
Today went okay,apart from the fact that we were under-rehersed for the walking in and all that.It was so scary watching such strong people cry at the funeral.I mean,yes,we're all human,but I'm not used to seeing such strong people cry.It seems so unnatural,because I've never seen them cry.
After the thingy a group of us choir girls went to have a drink at Delifrance.Then we went home,etc etc etc.I can't actually type much because my brain is pretty dead now.Today had been so exhausting.
Ya ok.Brain really dead.Type after camp.

Tuesday,Feb 6 2007

It's been such a depressing week,I don't even know where to start.
I don't feel like typing it.
Since I've heard the piece of dreadful news,I've been worried sick about Mrs Low.Literally worried sick.Worried so much until I felt sick or something like that.Since Monday morning I've been feeling pain in my abdominal (sp?) area and I've been having headaches and very short giddy spells.
Yet,I'm not the one who's really suffering.
It's like the world has turned a shade darker.
I don't know what else to type.

Friday,Feb 2 2007

Alright.
I finally had time to do the google-blogger thingy.Been procrastinating that for a week now because I've been so busy.
It's only 9.16pm now and I'm already feeling sleepy.Even when I used to sleep less and later,I never did feel tired so early.
School has been the same.I got pretty upset about a couple of things recently,but they weren't the worst.Anyway,one was failing my "ting xie" (Chinese "spelling" thingy),another was actually doing all my Math homework and being told that it's all wrong and I'm supposed to copy corrections from someone else.In other words,I tried so hard to do my Math work,I actually forced myself to keep up with the pace in class and do all my homework,but guess what,I've been told that it's all rubbish.
That's plain English for you.
"Ting xie" wasn't so bad,however,because yesterday I had the "ting xie",failed it miserably,I can tell you.3/11!It was so disappointing I crushed the list of words and threw it so hard it bounced.Yah,almost tore my hair out,but I survived.Today,we had a re-test on the same list of words.I did VERY last-minute revision,and I got a 9/11 for it.
Mmmm,who says last-minute revision doesn't work?
I'm just bloody pissed-off about the Math thing.I mean,come on.I used to fall behind in Math on the second day of school!The minute I fell behind,I gave up on doing my homework already,because obviously I hate Math like heck.
I know I shouldn't not do my homework,it's wrong etc etc etc but I didn't really care.Why do your homework and get degraded and all that even more?If you guys haven't already noticed,I can't handle rejection and negativity very well.I was ready to yell when my teacher told me I got everything wrong,but I held back lah.The school would probably side the teacher,since they've dealt with many...uh...bad students before.Can't remember that word lah.Contumacious?

There's choir again tomorrow.Oh,the horror of having to exercise 3 days in a row!I've been running.On Thursday,I ran 6 rounds of the school track before assembly.Today,I had PE.Apparently,I was the only person in the class who bothered to and honestly completed 10 rounds.Everybody else just gave up and/or cheated.Whatever.I refused to.I dunno,it would just make me feel like I'm deceiving myself,y'know?
What's in store for me tomorrow?Will it be another ordinary choir practice?Will I be left out again?

I think Emanuel Olsson,this Swedish guy,is a great songwriter.I think his songs are beautiful,very meaningful lyrics.Strong but sweet.He's a guy I found on Myspace through the CAS boards where they were talking about him being the original songwriter of "A Thousand Days".Then I discovered he put up a recording of "Just You".Man,I absolutely love "Just You".He has just replaced some "old" songs with "new" ones,I'm listening to them now.
If you guys have the time,maybe check them out.

Tuesday,Jan 23rd 2007

Finally have time to blog again.
Been busy doing work,I never knew it was so exhausting being a good student.If I weren't one to worry so much,I wouldn't have bothered to open my textbook.Uh,or do my homework.Yah.Kinda tired.Typer's block,or whatever you call it.
Only today,Mdm Hong gave us another surprise Chinese test.This time,the test was worse because we weren't given multiple choice for that fill in the blanks in the passage thingy,and there were so many long and draggy passages to get through and answer that by the time I got to the comprehension,my head was ready to drop onto the tabletop,my eyes closed.
I slapped myself awake and stared at the compre passage,clueless.I could read the words but somehow they didn't make any sense to me,like each word was a seperate thing,like they couldn't be connected and on the whole,I couldn't understand and process the passage at all,so I left 3/5 questions empty for the compre.Why was I so tired,anyway?!
Today has been boring.Nothing really bad happened,so that was okay.
Really not looking forward to tomorrow,there's choir.It's not the choir that I hate,it's the responsibility,you know,in getting my buddy ready for the auditions and things like that.I'm seriously worried because she either doesn't turn up for rehersals due to whatever reasons,or she leaves early.I can't actually remember a day when she stayed till we were all dismissed.
Also,I seriously dislike "I am my brother's keeper".The notes are difficult to get,so bloody difficult to learn,even more difficult to teach.I wonder how Gervin can survive.Dunno how Si Jia can like that song!
Listening to Celine Dion's "I'm Alive" now.I think it's a nice song,but for some reason it makes me cry.It's supposed to be a happy song!Aiyah,I'm weird lah.
Gotta go have dinner,ciao.

Friday Jan 19th 2007

Tomorrow is goodbye long hair day!
Ok,that sounds lame.I'm cutting my hair tomorrow.Kat wants a nice fringe,I want short hair,so we're gonna go cut our hair together @ that Jean Yip salon place.Hopefully,nothing crops up last min that "disables" Kat from being able to go.Sigh.
I'm actually excited,because it's the first time in my life when I'm gonna cut my hair and none of my family members will be present.Don't know why,it gives me a sense of..Hmm.
Responsibility?Something like that.I dunno.It's a growing-up thing.As kids grow older,they like to go out doing things by themselves that they used to do with their parents,you know?Maybe it's just me.
I think my parents are too possessive (sp?).They didn't want me to cut my hair!NO,of course I didn't listen to them,it wouldn't be fair to me/myself.I insisted until they said yes.Why the hell should they have any control over what I want my hair to look like?
Still don't understand why people nowadays want mature children.Are they mad?They should just shut up and let kids grow at their own pace.Forcing a child to grow up faster than his/her natural speed (mentally or physically etc) is cruel and it will plague him/her for the rest of his life,I'm telling you.

Thursday,Jan 18th 2007

I never thought anyone would bother reading my blog anymore.I thought that since I hadn't been updating it often enough,people have just..given up reading,or something like that.
Maybe people just happen to stumble upon it.

Feeling kinda emotional again.I've just watched "Just Like Heaven" on my comp.Truthfully,I cried.Yeah..Hey,that's allowed.
Have you readers ever been worried that someone might forget who you are?It's such a painful experience.Well,not that I've been through that,but I always fear that it might happen to me one day.I'd be heartbroken.Well,okay.Not that my heart can literally break unless you freeze it and smash it or something,but...I don't really know how to explain it.You gotta imagine.
In "Just Like Heaven",man and spirit fall in love,but when the spirit's body finally awakens from a coma,she doesn't recognise the man at all.After all he'd done for her,it's like starting from the very beginning when she had no clue about who he was.If I were him...
It's so disappointing when the person you love most doesn't recognise you at all,you know?

I don't know.I have typer's block.Tried writing lyrics at school but couldn't do it very well.Now I'm trying to type about my thoughts but I can't seem to.Suddenly,it's become so difficult.
I'm gonna update again next time.

Wednesday,Jan 3rd 2007

To the person who tagged my board as "anon" who asked "what are you wishing for?" ,I'll give you an answer.
I wish for fairness and acceptance,and peace (and love) amongst people.

Sometimes the world can be cruel.My sister once said that "people are ugly".Ugly,not in the looks sense,if you know what I mean.We were watching "War of the Worlds",and there was this scene where that Tom Cruise guy was driving his car through a crowd of people,and people started smashing the glass,even "tearing" it open with their own bare hands.

Fairness,because my form teacher obviously hates me already,but she has since Sec 2 anyway.She was being unfair to the class while checking uniforms.The whole class made an effort to pull up their socks and belts,and they looked quite decent,maybe except for the fact that some of them had skirts too short.However,my form teacher wanted more.In the end she ended up booking everyone,even me,for something that she thought looked indecent.Either she's overly obsessed or she likes her students to look nerdy.The three fingers (used to measure the looseness of the belt from the body) she used were put wrongly.As a result,even some of the most goodie-two-shoes got booked.It's unbelievable.I'd better not say anything more about her,though.
Acceptance,because I think I've had a pretty bad "first" day at school.I felt like I didn't belong,you know?No,I don't want to sound like those whiny (sp?) kids who always complain about being "alone" and "lost".I just want to say that I really did feel alone.It seemed like everyone else had someone to talk and stick to.Even Zulaikha had Olivia.Don't know why,but I felt pretty left out.I want to be accepted for who I am.I always have to act so happy in whatever I do,unless I really do laugh at a joke or something funny.All the people whom I usually hung out with last year are in different classes from me.They're grouped together,but I'm alone.
It's possible that I feel a little sensitive now because I've just finished watching "School Ties" again.It's about a boy who gets ostracized for being Jewish.He didn't choose to be Jewish,and it was very painful watching him being treated differently just because of his religion,because of what he believed in.
Peace.Peace.I don't know what I can type about peace.What I can't type is what matters.I'm afraid I'm not ready for this portion yet.Do people just say they want world peace for the sake of saying it?So that people will think that they have a big heart?Obviously,there are people who don't want world peace.Look at people like Hitler and all those baddies we've heard so much about.Only recently,one was hanged.They are selfish.Maybe in the future I'll find better words to describe them.

I know some people may be offended having read some of the stuff that I've typed today,but please don't confront me about it.I've had enough already.

Someone Else's Star

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
Stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up
Oh,I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
For the love I'm dreaming of
And missing in my life

I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star

Sat,Dec 16th 2006

Quick blog update.
It's bloody late,considering what time I have to wake up tomorrow morning.It's 1.55am now,and I have to wake at 6 "tomorrow".Sigh,life is hard.
I found out yesterday that I'd be leaving for M'sia tomorrow instead of today,so I had a day free.I thought I'd just stay home and paint all day.In the end,I spent most of my day out.I woke up at 11.30am,and went out for lunch with dad,sis,and bro.I had Tom Yum Ramen from that Mee Hoon Kway stall,it wasn't bad.I still don't understand why the hell they have to put prawns into the ramen.Maybe prawns aren't bad,but I hate having to de-shell them myself,it's so irritating,because I don't have enough patience to slowly peel.I'd rather have left the prawns as they were,but my sis forced me to eat them,saying they were the most expensive ingredient and so I had/have to eat them.Everyone would be so much happier if the Tom Yum Ramen makers would just leave the little prawnies in the sea alone.See,we do need world peace.

I told myself that I'd finish all my holiday homework by the time I get back to school so I can get off with a good start.I don't relish the idea of being yelled at on the first day of school.I'm sure nobody would,unless they're masochistic (is that the right term?) or something.I'm gonna use the boring time in M'sia to do boring stuff like painting and homework.You may think painting is so fun,blah blah blah,but it's actually quite boring/frustrating.However,the end results are beautiful,for painting,I mean.Homework can't be beautiful,at least not for me.Ok,it can.Anything can be beautiful,depends on which way you look at it,and the kind of person you are.For example,Hitler might think it's fun to kill people,and the end result is beautiful,even though normal people like us think he's an a**hole.
I can't actually believe I'm typing these things in the middle of the night (or morning).It's now 2.07am.Sometimes,when one is tired,thats when they think the most.Well,it depends.I realised that when I'm tired,I suddenly start noticing how fascinating it is that people can look so different.There are short people,tall people,people with different eye colour,skin colour,shape,hairstyles and hair colour..The list goes on and on,and can you believe it,every single person's path through life is definately different.No two people experience exactly the same detailed things in life,which is amazing.There are so many different paths in life,it's like a game of choice.Make the right choice and enjoy glory and happiness.Make the wrong choice and you feel really angry or sad,and you face consequences.Life can suck,but it can also be beautiful,depends on who you are and how you look at it.When I say "who you are",I mean your status and what happens in your life and..Ok,I dunno how to explain that,but you get my point.Brain not working properly at this time,but I'm determined to blog before I set off to visit my grandparents (and some other people living with them).I realised today that I don't know any of their names.I don't even know what exactly to call some of them,except maybe my grandparents,who are just..them.You know what I mean.

As a kid I wasn't very proud of my..roots.Honestly.I dunno what I had against Chinese (Language and anything to do with it),but I had something against it.I don't know why and how come,because I'm Chinese myself!I just disliked it so much and hated that I was so poor in that subject and that even some kids who were of other races did better in it than I did.I felt inferior,I guess,in a way.I kind of felt ashamed that I was Chinese and I couldn't do well in it,but I've learnt to accept that,and I'm doing a little better,I think,now that I've..learnt to appreciate it.Had help along the way,so that was good.I've learnt that Chinese ain't bad,and I'd be stupid to try and hide from it forever,because I know I really can't do that.Like it or not,I'm Chinese.Hah!Maybe I've been typing rubbish,I blabber when I'm tired,but..well,all this does mean something to me.Overall,I think I got a 45 for my Chinese.Dunno where on earth it came from,but it doesn't sound that bad,compared to the under-30s I used to get.Mr Fernandez told me,"An improvement is an improvement.Even if you only get one mark higher than usual,it's an improvement,".
That was because I got a mark higher than my usual.It didn't really make me overjoyed that I improved,but it was an improvement nontheless.

Dude,I'm tired.

Sat,Dec 9th 2006

Quick update before I have to run out of the house to the MRT station.
I will be going to do ushering at the band concert at CJC later.Need to meet up with Gerv,Kat,Jeanette at Toa Payoh and then we'll have "dinner",dammit,it's too early.It's like having a second lunch,after my chai tao kway!I won't go hungry for awhile after that.Oh,maybe I will.I have a fast metabolism rate (spelling/use?).Only yesterday I went to a buffet steamboat with dad for lunch,I ATE ATE ATE,I tried to eat lotsa veggies,they're good and I can't really find much at home,and less than 3 hours later I felt hungry again -_-" Maybe I'm coming down with something.
Did I mention I started playing with tamagotchi again?LOL.It's kinda...cute,actually,to remember my childhood.I got my first tamagotchi when I was about 3-4 years old.When I took care of it back then,it always died anyway because I always wanted to go downstairs to play with the other kids and swim and stuff and couldn't bring it with me.When I started going to school,my sister took care of it for me.I think she put it on pause or something,in the set-the-time mode,so when I came back I would just set it to the right time and continue.Poor tamagotchi -_-

Should I "pause" it and leave it at home before I go for the concert or risk it and bring it there on silent mode?I think it would be safer to put it on pause,eh?That way there would be no risk of death!

Everyday people ask themselves the question "what will tomorrow bring?".
Well,I'm not sure about everybody,but I ask myself that question every night.
What will tomorrow bring?
What will tonight bring?
I hope I don't make any mistakes.

Tuesday,Nov 21st 2006

Here's a quick update.

Happy Birthday,WY!

Mom and Dad went to Thailand today.Sis and bro are at work so I'm left at home with Rabbit.It's fine with me.
Had fried carrot cake for lunch.
I plan to watch videos later.
Dammit.Is "Tiger and the Snow" still showing in cinemas?!I wanna watch it.
Yesterday,I went out with mom and dad to lunch,and then out with mom to buy canvas(es?) after.Then I had to rush home to shower and then I used the computer for awhile while waiting for hair to dry off,and then I had a whole steamed fish for dinner.Tuh! Then dad fetched me to ACS B for this concert by an Indonesian choir at Mrs Lee Choon Guan.After the concert we hung about for awhile,then went to this large hawker centre (what's it called?) with my sis and Ee Kia since they didn't have a proper dinner or something.Walking out after that we "stumbled" upon some other Singers and the Indo choir eating.I dunno what happened there but I just stood there with this smile on my face,just in case.
Then I went home in an MRT with my sis,what a day.

Tuesday,Nov 14th 2006

I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Only just now I felt so drained of energy that I fell asleep!
I had choir practice this morning.We had Physical Training,so we ran 6 rounds around the track,and after that I nearly killed myself doing push-ups.
We had to do 4 sets of 25 crunches,back-ups,push-ups/"television",and being me,I did push-ups instead of "television".Thats what they call it anyway.
I would like to go fake-rock-climbing again sometime soon.I've been away from it for too long now.Not sure if my friends would want to go rock-climbing,though.They barely climbed the last time we went.They just lay around sms-ing and taking pictures.
I wanted to go to Bishan after choir to check out that temporary honey stall for Manuka honey sweets but eventually decided not to when I started craving KFC,so I texted dad to ask if we could have KFC for lunch.He agreed,so I went straight home.

The time I spent at KFC today had been so embarrassing.
The girl at the counter looked timid enough,and made a couple of mistakes with our orders.As you know,dad can be very picky when he wants to be.
Dad wanted chicken thighs but she gave him ribs.
Dad wanted root beer but she gave him coke.
Dad wanted mashed potato but she gave him coleslaw.
He kept speaking so loudly,demanding this and that,I almost died with embarrassment.Sometimes I just wish I ate hawker food instead.At least he would feel at home shouting in some noisy hawker centre where nobody cares about manners,or at least table manners.

I spent the day lazing around,as usual.
I watched some videos,and then looked up the internet for steps to moon-walking.Hah!
Getting the hang of it,but difficult to do.I mean ok,easy to do but it takes lotsa practice to look like a pro.
I'm warming up to the idea of dancing.
I mean,there are people who can sing AND dance,and look where it got them.

Rabbit just flopped down beside me,all flat and sleepy-looking.How cute.
I gave it a big cuddle just now.When it's in a really good mood I can really cuddle it and it still won't hop away after I put it down,but when it's in a bad mood it'll struggle.
I don't blame it.
Imagine having no power over your own body.People just pick you up and squeeze you when they feel like it,whether you like it or not.
Poor kid.

Y'know,after watching "Cast Away" the other night,I feel like watching it again.
It's kinda cool,learning how to survive on a deserted island.I think this guy was even more pitiful than Robinson Crusoe (sp?) .At least Robinson had someone else living on that island.
The world can be such a cruel place sometimes.

Like I could sing along.

Yes,I'm blogging -again.
I went for choir practice this morning.I was so tired yesterday,I slept at around 10pm.Then,when I woke this morning,I was surprised at how tired I felt.
Choir practice was quite..It went quite well.
Well,the only bad thing about it was that the other Sec 3s weren't THERE.Me,I was the only Normal Acad Sec 3 there,not called back for lessons and thats why I was there.
Hey,I chose to go for my Art lesson yesterday so that I could go for choir today!

Today,choir practice went quite well because we finally had PT again,running around the track and doing conditioning (push-ups,crunches,back-ups).Now I feel fit again!
Not to mention the muscle issue.
However,I fell down on the track.I don't know why.Maybe there's no explanation for it.I just fell.I only scraped my knees a little,the rubber track saved me.But!I didn't notice I got myself wounded until after conditioning,which always comes after running.I did push-ups on my wounded knees,and they stung after everything,telling me that I had to do something.
I was probably being eaten alive by some kind of bacteria!
I asked to have my wounds washed,and I limped to the canteen sinks to have them washed up.
I wondered how dramatic it would've been if I just lay there after I fell.
We got new scores today,too.
We sang through "This train","Look To This Day!",and "Kotoba-asobi Uta".
Our conductor came today,and we tried to polish up the first 3 pages of "This train".We did some tuning exercises in that key."This train" is very difficult because of all the key changes.Thankfully,I'm not bad at tuning =D
It's just the slow-thinking I'm worried about.
After doing those exercises,we sang through "This train" again,and because we were more sure of the notes and rhythm this time,it actually sounded good because we dared to sing out.Well,I tried my best,but it really did sound..different.The last few times we sang it,we sounded so scared,so unsure.And then,I suddenly realised the beauty and the good feeling of being surrounded by singing people.It's as if the song filled the whole universe,all around,wherever we went.
We started on one of the new scores today.I can't remember what it's called and I don't intend to go back into my room and dig through my file to find out.I'm "tied" to the computer by my earphones,listening to beautiful music.
The song we started on was by the same Hungarian composer who composed the version of "Ave Maria" we sang.Same style of composing,too.The bars have the same number of beats,the printing quite large and easy to read.However,this new score has even bigger notes than "Ave Maria"!I'm glad,because I'm not very good at sight-reading.
I wrote down the note-relations,and I think I'll do fine.I mean,we sight-read it and it turned out quite well.At least the few bars we did.
I intend to use my sister's piano to try and tune myself later.

I was quite excited for choir practice to end,too,because I was all set to go to town after.
I had to get Dezi her birthday present,for I may not be able to the next few days.Also,I wanted to get the soundtrack of "High School Musical",and I did.I'd brought just enough for both.
Cool,it comes with a CD with the sing-along versions!LOL.
I actually quite like sing-along versions because they're much quieter,more of the play-you-to-sleep music.And also,I do like to sing along.Gosh,I can't believe I just typed that.
NO!I shouldn't be embarrassed.
Singing is pretty much the only thing I can do.

That's about it.I've spent the rest of the day simply just sitting around.
I'm quite worried about choir tomorrow,though.My buddy is coming tomorrow.Just worried that I'd let people down.How will I find the patience to teach her every song?
Will I simply blow up?
Did I mention that my knee-wounds kept me from sitting properly and comfortably during choir practice?I'm sure Mrs Low and Ms Tham were all set to question me,but decided not to,for the sake of choir or something.I sure hope they saw the wounds.
I spent the day watching this lame show called "Halloweentown High" and another,"High School Musical".
I actually love the way everyone breaks out into song and dance!
If only it were like that in reality.I'd look forward to school every single day.

Wednesday,Sept 1st 2006

Am gonna test something.
If it turns out,I'm not gonna delete this post.
This is an artwork,if I'm not wrong:oil on canvas.
It's called "First Steps (After Millet)" by Vincent Van Gogh.

I think it's beautiful.


It's a mother and father teaching their daughter how to walk.

Those are her very first steps.
But see,it's beautiful because they're not very rich people.
Because in holland last time,people who worked on farms are the poor peasants with very little money, food to eat...
But this picture shows the joy on their faces.

You know,like even the simple things in life can bring joy to people,that money is not everything.

Sun,Oct 29 2006

Lover All Alone - Clay Aiken

Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
And I've been wrong all along

For all I know the feeling and the picture
That I've tried so hard to find
Isn't mine

Could be it's all just a waiting game
Want to share my everything

And on my own it's hard
To tell my heart it'll be alright
This love it holds
Will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

Picking up the pieces makes me wonder if
I only build it all to watch it fall
The faster it can go away it means
The less of me is gone to stay
And I'm okay

But lonesome tomorrow comes anyway
I'm alone for another day, another day

And on my own it's hard
To tell my heart it'll be alright
That this love it holds
Will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love

And on my own it's hard
To tell my heart it'll be alright
That this love it holds
Will one day find a home
As hard as love can be
It's harder still it seems
To be a lover all alone without love
A lover all alone without love

Maybe I've convinced myself
I've really been in love
But I've been wrong along