Tuesday, October 13th 2009

How stupid of me to pick such a day to watch "Titanic". I saw it for the first time last year or so, I watched it for the second time today.
It's a cliche yet breathtakingly beautiful story. Good-looking cast, too. I thought it would be no big deal since I'd already watched it before. Who was I trying to kid? I could hardly stop crying, and was consistently trying to choke back my tears in case my parents walked into the room.

Someone once told me, "Never be afraid to cry in front of other people." I still can't put the fear aside, but I'll let her know if I stop fearing it one day.

My favourite scene is the one where the musicians decide to continue playing on the deck. They're awfully good, too. (*gasp, choke*)

Of course, they had to contrast the stupid stuffed-up evil husband (who, by the way, is quite good-looking) with the soft-hearted boy artist with piercing eyes. No wonder people love this show.
Don't you see? Jack's is the kind of life I want to lead. No money in the pocket, but a heart full of passion and a thirst for adventure. I wouldn't gamble with money or assets, but I'd gamble with my life.

I made my parents watch "The Willow Tree" today, hoping it would give them the smidgen of wisdom that they so desperately need. To my surprise, they actually sat through the entire movie. It's so good to know. They didn't talk about it after that, but they cooked up a western dinner and they seem a lot nicer.

It's hard to tell. I would give anything for them to have more wisdom, and the only way to reach through to them is through the medium they are most familiar with- the television. Try as I may, they always go back to being themselves, so I just hope for the best each time.

My first paper- SOVA- is tomorrow afternoon and I'm scared to death. I have studied hard for it and gained more than knowledge from it, and I know I'll do just fine, so why am I still nervous?
I have gone through the 68 pages of notes and pictures 3 times, and I am fairly articulate through/in the English language, so I should do fine. No, I need more than fine.
I got the JAE booklet the day before yesterday -again. I got the same one last year, only this year's standards are even higher and it freaked me out. This year's Biomed Sc cut-off points range from 9-11, and I really, really hope I can make it.

Granted, I worked harder this year than last year. I had school last year, and I had so many subjects to juggle. I should be glad I even got average results, but I need more than average now.
I single-handedly re-taught myself the entire 3-5 years of Maths using nothing more than my textbook, notebook and a pencil. I took up a job and squeezed my studies between meal and toilet breaks, and then studied full-time after I left the job. By the time I started tuition in June, I had finished my 4N textbook, and still, my tuition teacher doesn't believe that I could have ever been so bad at Maths as to get 4/100.

It's been a mighty long year, I must say. Every day of it was like having to drag myself through thick mud in a trench. I could have just gone under at any time and drowned myself, save myself the pain of having to deal with all this. My family members weren't the only ones disappointed in me. My friends were full of pity. I was just speechless. My parents went on and on at me day and night but I was lost, away from them, trying to distract myself with my studies. Eventually, studying became a source of comfort for me and now, here I am, finally at the last stretch. The last one.
If I make it, I make it, but if I don't, I don't know. I do want it badly, to go to school like other people and to be given homework and to abide by dress codes and still be cool enough to be me. I want to learn things that are difficult, with long, unfamiliar names and functions, and still be able to sing in concerts and exams.

Well, enough said. Gotta get back to studying, and then settle down to a good night's sleep. Ciao.