Wednesday, February 24th 2010

I tried out my new shoes jogging today, they were awesome!
What I love about them is the arch support. They have adequate ankle support, good enough. I couldn't find the exact colour of the shoes online, so I've posted a close second. Mine has a bit of light blue and shades of grey on it. Quite pretty, it's a slightly cheaper version of the pair of shoes Kat wants. The ones she's lusting after are in black and neon green/yellow. Ugh, I'm not into neon colours but I have to say, they aren't that bad. As long as she likes them...
I bought mine with Kat last week, it's the first time I bought a pair of running shoes without my parents around. It felt so unreal just walking into the shop at Raffles City and trying on several shoes and sizes before I finally said, "hey, I'm going with this one," like it was the easiest thing in the world. I'm so lucky.

I also forgot to type about my day out with my dear Sabby. It was last Saturday, I think, and she just suddenly suggested that we go to Uncle Ringo's amusement park near Esplanade. It wasn't much, but they had enough rides. We took many photos, too. Damn, do you know how much it cost us for 4 rides?! Close to $30! It was ridiculous, but what the hell, I don't get to see Sab often, so we went mad anyway. Sab chickened out on our last major ride, though. It was one of those hang-upside-down-in-mid-air things where people scream their heads off. Too bad, because it would've been really fun. :)
After that, we had cake at Secret Recipe and took more photos, and then went shopping. The motion-sickness didn't wear off until we went shopping, so luckily they didn't have my "moist-chocolate cake with liquid fudge" in stock. I managed to buy a couple of plain long-sleeved T-shirts for my upcoming life in Poly. I plan to paint on them, I wish they came in a higher quality but hey, this is Singapore, and I'm poor.

Meeting Kat bright and early tomorrow morning. We're taking a bus to Temasek Poly where we're meeting Gervin after her last exam. She's supposed to show us around the school, I made a mental note just now to not dress dowdily tomorrow. I can't bear looking like an idiot in a cool environment around cool people.
We're all going to Marina Square (Kat needs to do something there) and then grab lunch, then off to SPCA and maybe Serangoon North. It seems these girls have become a little obsessed with cute little furry animals, and I'm always glad to see some. My lovely Rabbit lives in every one of them.
I miss him dearly every day.

Tuesday, February 23rd 2010

I am suddenly obsessed with going to a good university after Poly.
I don't know why I'm so fixated on the idea, I think I have this growing fear that I'll end up at some unknown, unheard-of university that will generate replies of "Ohh... I see" from people who ask. I haven't even begun Poly yet, but there is an up-side to this planning ahead. I guess it helps me to have an aim of what I want to achieve, you know, a goal to work towards to, to be the driving force of motivation, to keep me working.

I have heard so many stories of people who end up at unknown or non-reputable institutions and I'm afraid, I'm one of those people who reply "Ohh... I see", but truly, sorry to say, they deserve every bit of it. They take education for granted and they use money to buy their way anywhere, not to mention they are awful, unscrupulous characters without so much as a kind thought for anyone or anything else.
Well, there's that type, and then there's the "I really can't be bothered" type which I also can't stand. I mean, life's here in front of you, go discover something! Some of my friends are this type, it's disappointing but there's no way to force someone to change. Like I've said countless times before, there's never a way of forcing someone to change. The only way they're going to learn is through self-experience. I'm in every position to say so.

The first photo is of Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland. It's a beautiful place, and it's the best in Ireland. It's also where Oscar Wilde went. I didn't think much of it when I read about it, but when I saw photos, I was hooked. Just look at the place! It's so beautiful, so poetic, the contrast of colours is so great, yet they go so well together in a well-set ensemble. They have a medical school, though perhaps not as reputable as Edinburgh's, but still not bad.
The second photo is of the University of Edinburgh. Don't be fooled, this is only the students' quarters, I think. Their medical school is superb, and it's the dream, isn't it, for every medical student. I have considered Oxford and Cambridge, but I highly doubt it. I'll think about it further in my 3rd year of Poly, when I look back on my GPA. If I don't get a 4.0, there's no way in hell I'm going to get any kind of university scholarship, let alone go to Oxbridge.
4.0 isn't impossible. There is a bit of a loophole of some sort. I don't have to get an 'A+' in every subject, I can just get 'A', which would still guarantee me a 4.0. I'm still going to try to get 'A+'s, though, from experience, one can never be too optimistic.

Other than those two universities, I've also considered the Royal College of Surgeons of Edinburgh/Ireland/England which, fortunately, are 3 different institutions. They specialise in surgery training. I've also listed the University of Birmingham Medical School and the University of Auckland. However, Uni of Edinburgh remains at the top of my list as it is the most prestigious, though also undoubtedly the most difficult to enter.
Besides getting into a good university, my other main aim is just to get far, far away from here and all these people. I want a new adventure, a different group of people with a different culture, a less-rude society, even if it means they also drink a lot more alcohol. I want to study in beautiful 18th-century libraries and sit at ruin-sites to write poetry and sketch and maybe even have lunch. It's just not going to happen here.

Maybe that's why I can't wait to go.

Friday, February 19th 2010

There's something very addictive about this show.

I've been watching it for about 2 months now and I love every moment. Most of the men who go home to find their women in the house with a hunk didn't seem very happy, but who cares! I think the only reason I even watch the show is for Curtis Stone and his food. He makes cooking look so easy, and it doesn't hurt that he's cute, too. He's attractive, and he's a great cook. It's incredibly sexy.
What more could you want in a man?!

Thursday, February 18th 2010

Well, I had a pretty darn good day.

1) My rashes have gone down significantly, thanks to the wonderful Calamine Lotion. It works like magic!
2) I had a good voice lesson this morning. Worked on "Le Violette", and mostly technical details and lifting the tongue dorsum. Left feeling quite happy with myself, because for some strange reason, my cold from 2 days ago has completely disappeared and left my voice sounding really good. Crisp and clear.
3) Met up with Kat this afternoon, she had her fringe cut (although it doesn't look any different) and I bought a pair of Nike running shoes that cost a bomb. I've been considering buying new running shoes for 2 years now, and since I had $40 worth of vouchers, I finally decided to get a pair since my old pair's (3-years old) ankle support has collapsed. After that, we took the MRT down to Orchard, where we gaped at the many beautiful books at Kinokuniya and talked about Philosophy and literature. Man, I felt so small standing beside her, usually people I know haven't the faintest idea about poetry, philosophy, literature. Who am I kidding? They don't even read!
Yet, there she was, going on and on about philosophy and stuff. Mannnnn, but it was really fun talking to her. It's always great to converse at a higher level sometimes. I also bought THREE Oscar Wilde books!!!!! Very happy about that. It wasn't planned, but I decided to spoil myself since it was for "educational" reasons. One book's on his fairy tales, another's on his poetry, the last is on his 'wit and humour', full of quotes.

[Note to self: read up on philosophy and hurry up with Dorian Gray!]

Tuesday, February 16th 2010 (to 17th)

I feel like I'm dying.

I've come down with another rash, and it kept me from falling asleep, so here I am at 2.41am.
I thought it was due to some insect bites at first, because they look like mosquito bites, but my sis suggested it's a heat rash, which is another plausible explanation since I spent most of the 8-hour car journey sitting or lying at the back of the car. The rash is concentrated at major heat areas- back of the neck, back and front of torso and behind my knees at the bendy joint.

It would be easier for me to stay awake all through the night than try desperately to fall asleep. Calamine lotion didn't work very well, so going to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I actually scheduled a voice lesson at 10.30 tomorrow morning but have cancelled it due to this damned rash. I hope the teacher isn't pissed off. I had it all planned- to sneak out while Dad was out sending my sis to work, so I wouldn't have to argue with him about having a voice lesson. After my voice lesson I would go to Kinokuniya to look for more works by Oscar Wilde. Poetry? Plays? Autobiography, perhaps?

Sleep had been inconsistent over the past few nights in M'sia. Kept dreaming about receiving my enrolment package and starting school and buying my laptop. My sis just got an Apple Macbook as a gift, but don't feel that bad because I'll be getting my own gadgets. All in good time, my dear Xiulin. I wish I don't have to take the stupid music theory exam. I feel so unprepared for it, and it's a month away!
No, I'll get through it somehow. I've done so many things I never thought I could do, nothing is impossible anymore. I'll get at least a pass on the exam. I'll get through this rash, I'll get through my insomnia, I'll get through the challenges of poly and work to enter medical school. Somehow.

12th February 2010 midnight

As the days pass, I find myself increasingly drawn to Oscar Wilde. I admire him for his courage, his proud and charming character. He faced up to what he was, who he was even when society was so unhappy, it deemed him guilty of a non-crime, and he did not flee the country even when they were hunting him down for incarceration.
He was confident, a wordy man with much to reason with. Although he couldn't convince society about free love, he didn't buckle under the pressure of being different. In short, he is absolutely awesome, and is quickly becoming one of my idols, my role-models. He's the perfect example.
I shall, in time, teach myself to speak and write like him. It's quite a pity he died more than a hundred years ago, but it's a beautiful thought to think that all the great people once inhabited the same Earth as I.

We share our home and when we die, we change it and leave a piece of us behind.

Thursday, February 11th 2010

Well, well! I can't believe I forgot to mention that I've passed the 500-post mark weeks ago. It is kind of impressive that I've been sticking to this blog for about 6 years now. I'll kill whoever tries to re-set the internet, I tell you.

Met up with Gerv, Kat and Sijia today for pizza at "The Pizza Place" at lunch-time, then hung out at Starbucks and Suntec till about 6pm. Sijia had to leave earlier to meet her mom, so the rest of us went to the pet-shop at Suntec and melted over the beautiful, fluffily sweet bunnies (and other things). Gerv is really into hamsters now because she just got two, but I was mostly interested in the rabbits. Needless to say, they reminded me of my own lovely Rabbit. I miss him every day.

Dreading tomorrow, gotta wake up early, only to be faced with the horrible, incredibly suffocating 8-hour car-ride to the far side of Malaysia. I've stocked up on entertainment for the journey and few boring days. I've packed books; science books, novels, classics, a theory workbook, an English dictionary. I've also packed my foolscap paper and pencil-case.
I'd die without my dictionary.

I've also uploaded the film "Wilde" on Oscar Wilde's life, which I haven't watched. My player is quickly running out of space. If Kat can get me that job alongside hers, then I'd finally be able to afford my voice lessons (as opposed to having to ask my parents for help and having to quarrel each time) and buy an iPod Classic that I so deserve. The last gadget I got was my phone 2 years ago when my previous one died. I just can't understand why my parents are so unhappy about my going for voice lessons, it's always so bloody difficult. At least if I can pay for my own lessons, they can't argue much since I earned the money myself.

Let's hope people are less stingy with their ang pows this year.

Tuesday, February 9th 2010

DORIAN GRAY IS GETTING MARRIED!!!

Or so I've read. I didn't get a chance to get any further than the part where he sent a telegram bearing the news that he was going to get married. Damn. I really should hurry up and read the whole story. It's just so difficult to stay on track, you know? It's nothing like what you read by modern authors.

Met up with my old pal Brendy yesterday. We used to be labelled the "partners-in-crime", we stuck together at school and at CCA and after school, kind of grew up together but we went to different Secondary schools. We hung out a bit in Sec 1 but that was it, so yesterday's meeting was the first in 5 or 6 years.
It was great. We hung out and just talked, and then had a dinner of finger-food (Old Chang Kee...) and ended up sky-gazing at the big car-park near my home. Took a couple of photos before my camera died, too. Damn, I wish I had recharged the battery and not taken those lousy two bars for granted. It felt really good to see her again, even though I know we'll never be as close as we once were, again. Well, we're meeting up again in March after my theory exam, so all looks well.

Naz is coming over in about 20 minutes to see my notice-boards. Actually, I'm making her. Ha, ha. I just want her to know that as long as she wants something, she can conquer anything in the way. She's a sweet kid, she doesn't see how talented she is.
How do you tell someone that?

Going to see "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus" this morning, I'm pumped on upbeat music like "Walking on Sunshine" and dancing around the house like a crazy person since nobody's home. Plus, I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep for the past 3 nights so I have this unrelenting dull headache and my expression is a bit stoned. However, I've been out of bed since 7am this morning in the hope of escaping the excruciating torment of my sleeplessness.
Talk about sleeplessness giving you the power of comprehensive vocabulary!

Saturday, February 6th 2010

Oscar Wilde was a literary genius. Dorian Gray kept me from sleep last night, and I was still lying awake at 3am. It's getting ridiculous. I haven't been able to sleep since I started reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray".
I can't put my finger on why I'm so obsessed with it. It is beautifully written, but I have gone no further than chapter 4. It's eating into me.
It's similar in some ways to the story I wrote about Lune and the artist. The artist falls in love with his painting, but in mine, Lune isn't actually alive.

I found some bits from his book that I have the compulsion to share.

"Crudely as it had been told to him, it had yet stirred him by its suggestion of a strange, almost modern romance. A beautiful woman risking everything for a mad passion. A few wild weeks of happiness cut short by a hideous, treacherous crime. Months of voiceless agony, and then a child born in pain. The mother snatched away by death, the boy left to solitude and the tyranny of an old and loveless man. Yes; it was an interesting background. It posed the lad, made him more perfect as it were. Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.... And how charming he had been at dinner the night before, as, with startled eyes and lips parted in frightened pleasure, he sat opposite to him at the club, the red candleshades staining to a richer rose the wakening wonder of his face. Talking to him was like playing upon an exquisite violin. He answered to every touch and thrill of the bow.... There was something terribly enthralling in the exercise of influence."

"Grace was his, and the white purity of boyhood, and beauty such as old Greek marbles kept for us. There was nothing that one could not do with him. He could be made a Titan or a toy. What a pity it was that such beauty was destined to fade!"

" "Yes," he continued, "that is one of the great secrets of life. Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes." "

"It was an extraordinary improvisation. He felt that the eyes of Dorian Gray were fixed on him, and the consciousness that amongst his audience there was one whose temperament he wished to fascinate, seemed to give his wit keenness, and to lend colour to his imagination."
"Dorian Gray never took his gaze off him, but sat like one under a spell, smiles chasing each other over his lips, and wonder growing grave in his darkening eyes."

Friday, February 5th 2010

I finally created my "study-blog" today. Here's the link: http://awesomeiq.blogspot.com/

I thought it would be cool to document my entire experience in Poly, starting at the very beginning. It's a good way to keep track of my progress throughout, and I intend to type about my days, the people I meet there, and of course, the assignments and my thoughts. At the end of 3 years, I could read the entries and look back at who I used to be. It would also be a good way to help me remember what I've learnt, you know, because I'll be typing it again.

Of course, I'll be juggling a lot of things. In addition to my study-blog, I have my main blog to update, and cope with my studies, CCA, voice lessons, and perhaps a part-time job or volunteer work that would help me enter University. All this and my social life. I do believe it's possible, as difficult as it sounds.
At least even if I end up insane, I'll be oblivious to that fact.

I chose a short music playlist for my new blog, taking care to put in only upbeat and positive-sounding songs. Top song at the moment is Mika's "We Are Golden". I have watched the video, and yes, I act like that sometimes, in my room or around the house when nobody's at home. -shifty eyes-
I like that song because it's so upbeat, so confident, with strong lyrics that express my thoughts so accurately. It's true. We don't live for people. We awake at noon. We act crazy as hell. We have the most dreams in life.
I prefer the acoustic version, though. It's not so forceful throughout, there's more thought and soul in it.

Did another IQ test today and came through with a score of 131!
Read about the little boy who did well in "A" level-standard-exams, and who's going to NUS to study Medicine. The poor boy is only 13. Clever he may be, but he has learnt nothing.
I'd rather stick to who I am, at least I have the scars and knowledge to show for it. Wisdom doesn't just come overnight, you know. ;)

Thursday, February 4th 2010

Yesterday, I finally got down to reading Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

It seemed quite tiresome at first, I had to get through the introduction and preface. When I eventually made it to the first chapter, it didn't leave any impression on me yet. It was only until I continued reading it last night in bed then I realised it's a beautiful story.

Oscar Wilde only ever published one novel, and here it is. Sure, there were plenty of (one might even say too many) adjectives that, I've discovered, causes the human mind to fix its attention elsewhere, so it's a challenge to stay focused and keep reading. It's going to be a slow read.
I haven't gotten far into the book yet, I just started Chapter 2 last night. Here's a quote from the book.

" "Tell me more about Mr. Dorian Gray. How often do you see him?"
"Every day. I couldn't be happy if I didn't see him every day. He is absolutely necessary to me."
"How extraordinary! I thought you would never care for anything but your art."
"He is all my art to me now," said the painter, gravely. "I sometimes think, Harry, there are only two eras of any importance in the world's history. The first is the appearance of a new medium for art, and the second is the appearance of a new personality for art also. What the invention of oil-painting was to the Venetians, the face of Antinous was to late Greek sculpture, and the face of Dorian Gray will some day be to me. It is not merely that I paint from him, draw from him, sketch from him. Of course I have done all that. But he is much more to me than a model or a sitter. I won't tell you that I am dissatisfied with what I have done of him, or that his beauty is such that Art cannot express it. There is nothing that Art cannot express, and I know that the work I have done, since I met Dorian Gray, is good work, is the best work of my life." "

Wednesday, February 3rd 2010

I have been obsessed with IQ tests lately. I always wanted to take them but was afraid of the results, you know, in case they have a drastic impact on my ego. However, I forced myself to take several and came through with a score of 123. It's not a genius score (Einstein got 160), but it's above average and considered good.

I guess I've always known myself to be somewhat quite clever, I know that the potential for success is there, but sometimes it just doesn't show. Either that or sometimes I just can't be bothered to try. It used to be the latter for most of my Primary school life, and perhaps the first two years of Secondary school. At least I know now that I'm actually cut out for greater things than a lousy dead-end 9-5 job in an office cubicle with asshole colleagues and boss.
Good to know, because I don't intend to end up like that anyway, it's too stupid a way of wasting my life. I'd rather work in a bakery!

Always strive to do better.

Monday, February 1st 2010

A few days ago I remembered that V and I had discussed Mika. She bought his album a few months back and I was to borrow it later. Anyway, we thought Mika too colourful a character to be completely straight. Yesterday or so, I went to listen to some of his songs online, and they were pretty good. I like the strong lyrics and expression of freedom.
I went on Wikipedia to find out more, and apparently, a lot of people have wondered about his sexual orientation because of his "flamboyant stage persona". However, I came across a few things he said (and that were quoted later) that I want to share with you guys.

He said that "there is a way of discussing sexuality without using labels", "I've never labelled myself...You should be as free as you want."
Now that, I totally agree with. It's a kind of freedom most people deny themselves, they feel the need to categorise themselves as "straight" or "gay" or other things inbetween. I mean, if you love someone, you love someone. It doesn't matter if it's a "he" or "she" or even an "it".
Love should never be forbidden.

Sunday, January 31st 2010

Mom can be such a bitch at times. Thank goodness I'm going to Poly so I can drown myself in work and extra co-curricular activities. I've been spending too much time at home, and I need to get out and have a schedule to follow and subjects to study for. Staying at home is taking its toll on me, it's suffocating.

I honestly cannot wait to get back on the academic track. Studying has become somewhat a sort of comfort for me, I can get lost in it and be away from any sort of communication for hours on end. I'd have an excuse not to face the usual assholes.

Once I get my timetable and subject notes, I'm going to study like hell. School should be conducive enough for me, and I shall do over-nighters at Changi Airport and on weekends I can go to the library @ Esplanade to study. I shall study for 5-6 days a week and still manage to squeeze in Maths and Chemistry tuition and my choir CCA and my social life, and perhaps any other extra stuff (part-time job at school? volunteer work?).
I think 2-3 hours of studying per day should be enough, I can squeeze in some studying in-between classes/lectures. It'll give me sufficient time to revise what I've been taught so as to embed the information securely in my mind. It will be useful when it comes to tests and exams, because I won't have to struggle so hard then, I'll just do light revising to remind myself of the things I've learnt.

I've got to start at the beginning if I want to do well enough to enter a good University, and the Uni of Edinburgh is quite competitive. I've done my research: I have to sustain a GPA of 3.5-4.0, which means many many "A"s and the occasional "B+". It would be best if there were no "B"s, but I'll allow it in my first semester since I didn't take Chemistry in Sec school. After that, there shouldn't be any "B"s anymore, I really, really need to do well to go somewhere far away from here. Chances are, my parents won't have enough money to pay for my incredibly costly medical education, so I'll have to earn it myself, by doing well at school and earning a scholarship or something. I don't like the idea of taking up a loan, be it from banks or people we know. If I really want something, I'll just have to get it myself.

Thursday, January 28th 2010

I had a moment of clarity the second I opened my eyes this morning.
When I was Sec 4, I had a Biology test to study for. All through the years before that, I could never be bothered with the confusing components of the human heart. I could never name them, for some strange reason. There were just too many long names. So, it presented itself as a challenge for me. This upcoming Biology test was on the human heart, it's components, functions, blood and blood vessels. Basically, the circulatory system in mammals. Anyway, the test was the very next day, and that night, I was at "night-study" for my 'N' levels. I decided to study for it.
I made sure I memorised all the placements and components of the heart and blood, exactly which side of the heart, which vessel leads to where, de-oxygenated or oxygenated. By the next morning I could remember it all by heart, and got people to test me on it. When the test eventually came, I aced it. From them on, I realised that I love Biology because I can do it well if I try. Then, came Hannibal Lecter.

I had watched "Silence of the Lambs" before, but it didn't really interest me that much. The film wasn't actually about Hannibal himself, but more about Clarice hunting down another killer, Buffalo Bill. Then, came "Hannibal Rising". That got me started on the whole series. I love the artwork in it, and the part where he slices open a heart is just fascinating.
I got my inspiration from there. I started studying hard for Biology and setting out my plans for the future- to get into the medical line of studies, go to University and eventually Medical School. The road will be a long and very tough one, but I've already started. Now that I'm finally in my course of choice, I'll work towards University.

I originally wanted to attend Medical School in Edinburgh, but now it's University education seems like the perfect challenge. I considered the most prestigious Universities like Cambridge and Oxford, but I don't think I can make it. Temasek Poly is recognised by Uni of Edinburgh, so it shouldn't be too difficult. All I have to do is commit my time to studies and put in effort to do well, but not forgetting CCAs and some volunteer work. If I start working hard in Year 1, it should be do-able.

Now, Temasek Poly. Next stop, University of Edinburgh!

Wednesday, January 27th 2010

BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE, BABY!

Just this morning at 8.47am, I had the exquisite sensation of having a choice between becoming a dentist or doctor. Through JAE, I was offered "Dental Hygiene and Therapy". JPSAE came late, so I only got to know the outcome of JAE first. I wasn't too disappointed with the whole dental lark, actually. Being a dentist will enable me to gaze into the horrific depths of people's mouths, with which they use to eat, smoke, have sex, kiss, etc. I'm sure there would be plenty of gruesome diseases there. Plus, I have this OCD for people brushing their teeth properly with good skill and toothbrushes.
However, when the JPSAE results were released, I was totally speechless. I mean, I worked so hard for my audition that I fell ill and lost my voice. I still wasn't sure if I would be accepted or not, because I didn't get to do anything impressive while singing "Voi che sapete", because it was cut short. I made it clear at the mini-interview that I wanted "Biomedical Science" very badly, and listed it as my first choice. The chances were slim, because that's one of the toughest and most-in-demand courses. I don't know why I always pick things that are out of reach. I guess it gives me motivation to work towards it, knowing that for me, nothing is impossible because I want it. Just because I want it.

No kidding, it was a long way here. I suffered like hell, you should've seen me. I worked so hard for this, and I deserve every bit of this victory, but I will share it with Mrs Low. If it weren't for her meticulous CCA records, I'd never have made it. Plus, she made sure we went for competitions, concerts, any extra activities. I love and miss my choir, but I'm going to move on to another choir. Maybe I can create change there too. Yes, I'll create good change wherever I go in life.
I'm gonna be the best doctor/surgeon ever! (The ultimate goal: Hannibal Lecter)

Oh, about the Nicole Kidman photo..
I've got to say, "The Invasion" is one of the scariest films I've ever watched. I enjoy it because NK looks so beautiful. She has this intense, lovely face, even in a scary film like this. It comes a close second behind the foreign film "Funny Games". It's not the 'ghost, BOO!' kind of scary, but a very insane, twisted kind of scary. Psychologically. I would rock at Psychology if I ever get to do it.
(Dels, you should really go into Psychology, man.)

Sunday, January 24th 2010

I suddenly have the greatest urge to write another love story.
Most of the stories I've written so far have nothing whatsoever to do with love. The characters in those stories always end up killing themselves. Of the few love stories I've written, none of them are between a boy and girl. Strange. I just don't find that interesting.
I have also concluded that who we are now is the result of how we were raised. The culture, the music, the films, the friends, all of them mould us into people. Nobody was ever born gay, their preferences were altered as they were growing up, through encounters of different kinds. There isn't, however, the least bit of a need to categorise oneself. Freedom is the true beauty of life, even the tiniest ounce of freedom can give someone the strength to live on.

I have yet to complete the story about Lune and the artist. It is lovely, how he falls for the boy in his painting. Very human, he learns to overcome the fact that Lune has blue skin. I've discovered that society is incredibly unreasonable towards those who are different, and I have been more than patient and tolerant in dealing with it. Is it really worth living in fear? Surely life is not worth living unless we have nothing to fear?

I went to bed at 10 last night, thankfully, in the dark. When my sister came in at 4.30am, she switched on the light and re-arranged her things, making no effort to conceal the sounds. As a result, I was jolted from the comfort of sleep, and tried to block out the sound by listening to music on my mp3 player. She eventually went to sleep, and I was left tossing in bed, unable to fall asleep. Finally, at 5.30am, I got out of bed and took out my Maths textbook, hoping to find some consolation and comfort in the problems I knew how to solve so well. I only managed a few before I gave up, tormented by the pain in my nose with each inhalation. In the end, I turned to "Love in the time of cholera", read about a chapter before I finally felt ready to fall asleep.

Saturday, January 23rd 2010

I spent last night frantically going through every dictionary in the house.

I am horrified by the fact that there aren't many words that start with 'X'. It scares me that my initial has no roots, no links to the English language, yet it is what I speak. I went online and looked for words starting with 'X', and thank goodness, they had more than the dictionaries boasted. However, none of the definitions had any real meaning that could be applied to human life. The only plausible one was "xenomorphic". It means "of strange or no true form", but it isn't what I'm looking for. It's not deep enough.
This is incredibly depressing.

After that, I decided I wanted to learn another writing language. The easiest ones to learn are the ones that go by alphabet. I took out my book of codes and languages and flipped through to find a language I liked. I finally chose Enochian over Theban. The latter doesn't look as mystical as the other, and I really wanted to learn something with a beautiful script. It's going to take some time learning it, though. The language I created is relatively simple to learn when compared to Enochian, although I take comfort in knowing that only I know it. I've got to develop its script into something more beautiful than mechanical.

Friday, January 22nd 2010

I think I'll go for a haircut next week.

I was thinking of a pixie cut, you know? Short and neat, but not the least bit nerdy. I think it would go very nicely with my double-pierced ear. Then, when June comes around I'll decide then whether I want to put in my dreads again. I can no longer picture myself with one of those long girly hairstyles. I can, however, picture myself with all sorts of crazy styles, sticking out in all directions, dreadlocks, cornrows, you name it, only I don't think I'd look good with cornrows.

For the past few days I've been at home, nursing myself back to health. PJ's CD is very soothing. After the audition, my throat totally died and I came down with the flu. I'm starting to feel a cough coming on, and my nose just won't stop running. It's actually gotten sharper due to all the blowing. My poor nose.
I've stayed silent for two days now, I quite enjoy it, actually. It's a relief not having to answer to anybody when they ask me something, especially since most of their questions are quite stupid. I can't even laugh vocally. I have to do it in a whisper, that requires no using of my vocal chords. Even closing up my vocal chords hurts my throat, so I try not to do it. It's incredibly difficult since they do it on their own when I listen to something, it's a reflex I've developed over the years from singing. Yes, I like keeping quiet and having an excuse to, because usually people demand answers when they ask questions.

A few short messages for some people.
Danielle: Thanks for helping me with my audition preparation, they only let me sing a part of it so it was uncalled for, but it gave us the opportunity to catch up. Thanks, and let's hang out again sometime.
Vanessa: Hey V, I know you've been busy studying, so we haven't had the chance to talk recently. When is "I love you Phillip Morris" going to be released here?! We've gotta catch it together. Also want to watch "Alice in Wonderland". Meet up soon!

Thursday, January 21st 2010

Can you believe I used to have a crush on this guy?
When I first watched "Alegria" on television when I was 10, I promised myself I would love tribal things like this. I wanted to go to New Zealand and Hawaii (and eventually, I did!). It seems hilarious now when I think about it, but as a little girl I stood in awe, watching the Maori people do their traditional dance. They use every muscle in the body, it was amazing to watch.
I haven't watched "Alegria" since then until today, when I finally decided to watch it on DVD. I wanted to see why I liked that guy so much, and I guess I realised why. Just look at him! He is, however, only cute with his make-up on, but that's beside the point.
Plus, the thing with the fire? It's incredibly sexy.



Also, I spent the entire duration of the DVD ogling at nice bodies. Check out this guy. His upper body is slightly larger than his lower half because he uses more of it in his act, but it's so beautiful. Loving the abs, by the way. Absolutely beautiful.

Wednesday, January 20th 2010 (post 2)

I'VE GOT IT! IT'S HERE!!!!!!!

It's so clockwork-like, it's almost scary. I'm definitely being watched by someone from above, no longer can I accept the excuse of "it's just coincidence".
Earlier today I typed about my audition. After that, I went to watch "My Boyfriend's Back". Then, at exactly 2.30pm, I received news from HMV that my copy of "La dolce fiamma" has finally arrived! I've been waiting for that CD for 3 months! The guy at HMV classical said that actually, it arrived with an earlier shipment, but he wasn't working that shift, so it got sold at $26. I bought it for about $20 today because of some "New Year's Sale". Whoa!
I was all smiley and walking on air when I finally laid my hands on the CD. It's so magnificent, so beautiful, so special. I've been wanting more 17-18th Century music by PJ, his last albums were "Opium" of French art songs and "Monteverdi: Teatro d'Amore".

This is incredible for me. I worked so hard for my audition that my throat is so sore and I lost sleep and caught a cold. My nose won't stop running, yet I've been blowing it so often, it's sore as well. Add cramps and we've got a winner! I've listened to half the CD, I can't bear to listen to the other half yet. It's been so beautiful so far, the music is so soothing. It's my Jaroussky Therapy.
There are plenty of high notes on this one, and everytime I hear him sing one, my throat hurts. However, it's a happy kind of pain. If I died now, my heart would be full of music.

Wednesday, January 20th 2010

I'm in desperate need of Jaroussky Therapy. What I want is my new CD (which still hasn't arrived yet) and a glass of wine, but since I have this awful throat and I don't have the CD, I'll have to make do with what I already have, and not drink alcohol.
I wonder if alcohol is good for sore throats? It does act as a bacteria-killing liquid, but I wonder if it will worsen a sore throat?

I've just returned from my audition at Temasek Poly. It went generally well, I suppose. My "Voi che Sapete" was okay but wasn't impressive, because I only got to sing a little bit of it before the audition came to a close, so I got nowhere near the impressive middle. Other than that, the aural pitching and rhythm exercises were good, or so I was told. The conductor was friendly, so the whole ordeal wasn't too scary. Altogether, there were 4 people in the audition room; the conductor, the conductor's "friend", the choir teacher, and I.
Two other kids went for the audition as well, and they weren't bad at all. In fact, I hope I get into the course I want through choir, I hope the choir wants me. I lost a whole night of sleep yesterday because the damned song kept playing and re-playing in my head, and I was so afraid of waking up with a sore throat, so I couldn't sleep at all. Perhaps I subconsciously didn't want to fall asleep because sore throats usually appear overnight, and I've been practising too much (yes, whoever says that practice is never too much should go to hell) and my voice is going, going, gone! Luckily it survived through the audition. Now that I'm home, I'm feeding my poor throat cherry Cepacol lozenges, and drinking a lot of water. It even hurts to talk, so I'm keeping quiet for a few days.
The choir teacher seemed happy enough, so I think I probably will get in, but I won't pin my hopes too high yet. Better wait and see. The other kids in the holding room told me that if I get in, they'll slice off 5 points from my original aggregate! If that's the case, I can get into Biomedical Science! Only bad thing is that Tampines is so far from home, but if I get to study what I like, who cares, right?

..Right?

Monday, January 18th 2010

I spent the afternoon getting into character. I read through the score of "Le Nozze di Figaro", trying to decipher Cherubino's character and personality. They didn't do a write-up or analysis of him, so all I found out is that he's this good-looking teenage page boy who is thrilled when he discovers love, the feeling of love. All the ladies are caught up in his affection, but his one true love remains the Countess, whom he obsesses over.
I suppose he's the type to have a cheeky grin plastered to his face most of the time. How does one get into a character like that? I find myself struggling to keep the smile plastered to my face while singing his song. I'm not used to it, for I usually frown while singing. Bad thing. Also, I need to keep my eyebrows lifted throughout the song to keep the placement high, and you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to do, especially when you're trying to express frustration and sadness.
Transition of moods, emotions and placements are slightly better today after hours of solid practice, singing it over and over, trying to smooth out the sound and rhythm and mood changes. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because the song kept playing in my head. I've listened to it so many times that the orchestra plays in my head when I sing that song. I have to sing it acapella at the audition, so I hope it'll sound good. I pray, pray, pray that the audition room has good acoustics.

Here's a Youtube video of Maria Ewing playing Cherubino, singing "Voi che Sapete". Unbelievable, how it looks so easy. Try it yourself and you'll realise it'll take at least 10 years of training to sing like that. Pretty impressive, and I think she looks attractive in this role.

Sunday, January 17th 2010

I spent my entire afternoon drawing this guy. He was supposed to be in charcoal, but I thought it would be difficult to do it in charcoal since the drawing is small, not to mention the killer details. I didn't use this exact photo of him because it's a little blur.

Finally submitted my JAE application on Friday morning. I took the opportunity while Dad was out. I find that my tolerance level is dipping considerably. I feel annoyed when people hover over me while I'm trying to do something on my own, or join me while I'm watching a DVD. I don't know why, I just can't stand it. It got so bad that I chose to stop watching the DVD just so my brother wouldn't continue sitting there beside me.

On another topic, I've discovered that I quite like Alan
Cumming's blog. http://www.alancumming.com/blog.php
Take a peek sometime.

Besides drawing Johnny Eck and reading Alan Cumming's blog, I also went on Youtube to search for videos of "Voi che Sapete" from Mozart's "Le Nozze di Figaro". I felt so terribly lousy once I heard the professionals. Oh No! I'm going to drill like hell for the next two days. I forgot to mention that I have a choir audition this Wednesday, and I have picked that aria over the French art song "Nell" by Faure. Both are equally difficult but easy to sing. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try.
"Voi che Sapete" has a lot of emotional changes throughout the song, plenty of dynamic changes too, so the singer has to be able to change emotions and dynamics smoothly, and use both head and a little chest voice for the lowest parts of the song. It's in Italian, so the pronunciation isn't too much of a problem. The character, Cherubino, sings about his frustration in dealing with a new found feeling- love.
"Nell" is in French, so the language itself is a problem for me. I feel that my French doesn't sound authentic enough to be passed off as French. Dynamics are moderately soft almost throughout, so it's a problem at the high notes, though there aren't too many. Mood remains lovey-dovey throughout. Some of the intervals, however, are killers.

So, there you go. I finally settled on "Voi che Sapete" only for the fear that I'll be labelled as a snob if I sing French when my technique isn't even that great, and for an entrance audition, too! I would call it "trying too hard". Not so worried about the piece, more worried about the sight-singing test and aural. Grade 4 seems like such a long time ago, you know? I hope their sight-singing test will be super-easy.
Temasek Poly wants some people for their choir, so somehow they found me through the JPSAE application scheme. Spooky, because I originally didn't even apply to that poly through JPSAE, but what the heck! I went for the mini-interview, filled out a form, took a photo, got to meet the choir teacher herself, for it was her who called me up in the first place. Thanks to Mrs Low, I could show them my impressive CCA record and list my past competitions and post under "achievements". Exxcellent.
I'm hoping I can get into Biomed there through JPSAE, but I guess if I really can't, then I'll settle for something related, like Biotech. They still learn the same things like anatomy, microbiology, etc, so I can still enter medicine courses in Uni. Man, I don't deserve to suffer like this, struggling to get into Poly again. This is ridiculous! If you saw my art, you'd give it at least an A2. I can't believe they gave me a C6! Damn assholes. I guess I can't really blame them, they must have a hard life themselves.
Mrs Low used to say I can never be a teacher, because I'm always too strict. We used to audition new girls for the choir, and I always gave the lowest marks, but only because they were really bad! I always had to hold in my laughter, and it wasn't always successful.

Meh.

Thursday, January 14th 2010

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

I can feel it seeping away, bits of my brain dissolving into the vast nothingness that television has so mercilessly created over all those wasted years of my pathetic childhood. Fate taunts me ceaselessly from her dark corner, laughing hysterically every time I get beaten to a pulp, over and over by the very people who gave me life.
They mock me endlessly, towering over me with their tall and mighty frames, childishly pointing their stubby fingers at my splitting head. It doesn't end, it never ends. Perhaps momentarily after they die, I would be able to find some peace, but not for long. In my dreams, they haunt me, at a degree of sleep I cannot escape. They smile at me, they laugh, with every word she speaks, she stabs me once.
I cannot run, I am powerless. Help me, help me fight back.

Wednesday, January 13th 2010

I miss Phuket. I miss it to the point that not even photos can cease my insatiable longing for it, its flowing water, its powdery sand, its lovely people, even its hellish sun that beat down unrelentingly upon the back of my neck. The way and pace of life was/is so comfortable there that when it stands in comparison with Singapore's, the latter withers down to a pathetic nothing.

My parents have been arguing with me non-stop about the choices I'm making for JAE. True, I didn't do as well as I hoped, even for Maths, but Maths was the only one that had any improvement from last year's results. I worked hard for the subjects but I guess they didn't like my Art. Also, my combined Humans grade stayed the same. Good thing they take the better of the two Art grades. I've spent months, a year thinking about what I want to put down as my 12 choices for JAE, but my parents are being incredibly disagreeable. They're unhappy because I refuse to put stupid choices like "Law and Management" and "Pharmacy Science".

Call me stubborn but I couldn't care less about the law, and pharmacy science just doesn't interest me. I have no desire to spend 3 years doing chemistry on pills and tablets and solutions. I want to cut things up, dammit!
As for the law, it's just plain stupid. People keep coming up with new ones just to be able to fine people if they don't abide by them. Also, they come up with the stupidest laws, but I won't elaborate on that. It's just that people are so greedy, you know?
My parents even admitted that law is a very lucrative profession, so that makes it good. I feel so utterly disgusted with them right now, I can't even find the right word to describe them.

I keep wanting to submit my JAE application with the choices I've decided on, but they keep stopping me. I just want to get it over and done with so I don't have to wake up every day knowing it's going to be a difficult one, full of arguments about my "stupid choices". How could they be so insensitive? Is it all a game to them, so I can go into the profession they choose for me and shower them with all that dirty money?

Such assholes.

Friday, January 8th 2010

Prince Randian was born completely limbless, but his entire torso is intact. He was able to shave, roll and light cigarettes, among other things. He had a wife and was a father! He had to roll or rock around on his belly to move around, but mostly had his assistant/son carry him from place to place. Amazing man.

I reached another turning point, a milestone, today. I bought alcohol for the first time and the counter person just let me! No asking for ICs, whatsoever. Well, I have to admit I only bought a small bottle of Moscato, because I couldn't afford any big bottles, but still! It's a pretty good one, though I liked the red one better. The white one reminds me of a wall corner, don't ask me why. It's the only way I can describe it.
My family opened a bottle of red Moscato last week and I found it surprisingly pleasant. I usually can't drink very much, but Moscato has half the percentage of alcohol a normal type of wine has, so it's all good. Finally, a wine I can drink!

My dear Rabbit's first death anniversary is swiftly approaching. It's the 11th of January, he suffered in frustration for a week before death finally took him.
I remember when Rabbit died, I was still at Esplanade library. When I came home, we buried him at the field under a lovely tree, and went home again. I walked into my room, locked the door, and put Mozart's Symphony no. 25 in the CD player, turned up the volume, flopped onto my bed and closed my eyes.
Strangely, I didn't cry. I had done my crying in the MRT on my way home, remembering how I kissed his soft, furry cheek before I left the house that morning. I still remember it now, the softest fur was just below his ears and in between them, how he always felt so warm when I cuddled him every night before I put him back into his cage, how his mouth would turn orange after chomping on some carrot, how he would be so picky with his food and leave out all the disgusting-tasting compressed hay-sticks.
My lovely, lovely Rabbit.

Monday, January 4th 2010

Which one would you marry?

Both were handicapped, but equally charming, handsome.
Johnny Eck is the guy on his hands. He was born with very tiny legs, but they were never functional, so he taught himself to walk on his hands as a toddler. Incredibly talented, he drew, painted, drove race cars, trained animals... Plus, he was a very bright student.
Angelo Rossitto, however, mainly acted and sold newspapers. He acted for most of his life. He had dwarfism. He's incredibly cute, don't you think? Handsome.
Next post, I'll feature Prince Randian.

My brother borrowed Tod Browning's 1932 film "Freaks", and I liked it so much I watched it twice before returning it to the library. I don't understand why the UK banned it for more than 30 years, it is a great film, very eye-opening, very inspiring. The plot is simple, but the cast is extraordinary.

We need to be reminded every once in a while, how lucky we are to be physically well-formed, how lucky we are to be able to afford the things we need and want, and just to be satisfied with who we are and what we have.

Only through humility does one gain wisdom.

Sunday, January 3rd 2010

Three questions

1) Why are my parents so obnoxious?

2) Why can't boys wear their trousers properly?

3) Why are our last toes always so ugly?

Friday, January 1st 2010

Since midnight I've been receiving text messages wishing me a "Happy New Year".
What's so happy about it?

I guess I do feel a little relieved to put the past year behind me. After all, it was pretty awful, but it helped me learn a few things about myself. With that said, I have a fear that history is going to repeat itself.
My results will be released in two weeks, and I don't feel ready for it. I still want to do so many things, been practising and revising for my voice lessons, painting, writing more stories...

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I think my voice teacher wants me to study music, because she wants to talk to me about "where I'm going if I don't get into any of the schools here", and I'm also considering going overseas to study if I can't get into the courses I want here. My parents are strangely supportive about the overseas-studying. I feel a need to get far away from here, it's suffocating me.

Thursday, December 31st 2009

Images of Lune keep flashing behind my eyelids when I'm about to fall asleep. I can't get his handsome blue face out of my mind. His sad, piercing green eyes keep staring at me, his golden hair flowing, like a crown around his head. I feel like the character in my own story, the poor artist.

I felt I had to do another drawing of him, because I couldn't continue writing. My mind goes blank whenever I try to continue the story, I don't know how their first meeting goes. I need to know how they react, what they say to each other. I need to know, to be there in that dream. Lune may be trapped in the painting in the day, but at night he becomes very much alive.

Saturday, December 26th 2009

I feel so desperate for the new Philippe Jaroussky CD. In need of some chill-out time with the sound of lovely, intoxicating music and a bit of wine.

The moment I came back from Phuket, everything came rushing back. All the pressure, the people, the expensive lifestyle, eating at restaurants, stupidly paying for exorbitantly-priced dishes. Sabby's $42 hairband keeps tormenting me, I feel so damn guilty for going along with this ridiculously expensive lifestyle when so many kids can't even afford to buy a pair of shoes or go to school.
I've noticed, however, that I'm more aware of it now. Whenever I think I "need" something, I change it to "want" instead because honestly, many things I have, I don't "need". Basic necessities include food, water, shelter, bed, toiletries. I'll add basic art and writing materials, but that's it. I still can't help feeling guilty, it haunts me in my sleep. I find myself still awake at unearthly hours, tossing, turning.. Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve being so lucky.

I placed the order for "La Dolce Fiamma" at the start of last month, I think, and it still hasn't arrived. The French really have it good, it was released there on the 2nd of Nov. I can't wait for the sound of it blasting from my speakers, washing over me, filling the room, the time during which I just flop on to my bed and close my eyes.

His voice has a certain beauty to it, his graceful notes, his liquidity in his runs and scale-passages, the brightness of his voice, sharp yet comforting.
You wouldn't believe how his voice has soothed me throughout the entire year. It was as if his singing made everything easier, more enjoyable. His voice is like the pair of lips that kiss my wounds, the reassuring sound smoothing out my frowning facial muscles.
His patience and thoughts show through his singing, it's like looking through a window and seeing him practising to achieve perfection.

PJ is a great example of a man.

Friday, December 25th 2009

"Lets get together and feel all right"

Nothing like a little bit of Bob Marley to help me get into the Christmas spirit! I spent last night listening to old songs and watching some Elvis Presley on DVD.

For me, Christmas is always one of the most depressing days of the year. Sure, there's the joy of Jesus and all that, but my family would never acknowledge that. They are just.... like that. There's no tree, no marzipan, no cookies, no traditional dinner. Still rude as ever, as always. Well, at least I can take comfort in my independent thought. I went to Midnight Mass last year and my brother kicked up merry hell and told on me to my parents, who say I "lied" about something, I'm not even sure what, but it had something to do with going to church. Strange, I never made any promise or said that I wouldn't go to church. Have long given up on trying to reason with these people.
Anyway, I found I didn't really like going to mass at church. It's too much of blind-following, I'm pretty sure even God wants his followers to have their own brains. The bible was written by people, and from my experience, people tend to make up their own rules, in society and in culture. People are troublesome. I find it much nicer to spent time with God outside church, and granted, I'm a Freethinker, but I think the best way of religion is just to have brains, and love everyone, anyone, anything, and be open to new things and ideas. Accept the world as a gift.

With that said, I have to admit I feel much better. These people can't spoil my Christmas if I don't let them get to me. Christmas will be any way I want it to be.

Oh yes, that reminds me. I haven't gotten my yearly candycane yet!

Thursday, December 24th 2009

Hey guys!

Finally decided to change my blog template, after 5 long years. Picked a simple, classic, clean-looking one, as opposed to the excessively pink one I picked when I first started this blog. Not into those fancy moving clocks that annoyingly follow your cursor, but I made sure to add my new Mixpod playlist of Bob Marley music. Overall, simple, clean and beautiful.
Bellisimo!

Wednesday, 23rd December 2009

I've been hanging out with way too many girly people recently.

On Sunday, The Lunchpeople (Gerv, Kat, Sijia and I) had a last-minute lunch at TPY Pizza Hut, our usual hangout back when we were still in school. It's always good to hang out with them, there's a lot of laughter, all the trouble from everyday life just vanishes. Plus, it's all clean, good fun, we took many photos.
It's strange. I see everyone around me growing up but myself. Sijia is the same as ever, too busy for anything, your typical super over-achiever. Gerv is attached, Kat highlighted her hair, and me? I guess I did get dreads twice and pierced my ear twice, but that's it. It doesn't say anything about growing up. It feels like I'm shrinking instead, getting younger. What innocence from my childhood will never come back, but the most blissful people in the world are children.

On Monday, I met up with Sabby for a day out. We went ice-skating first. Sab is a total pro on the ice, not to mention she's one of those thin, lean and fabulous people. I felt so small skating beside her. There was this little kid who hung on to her every word, but luckily we didn't have to go the whole day with her.
Later, we went for lunch, then took a bus to Orchard, where she bought her Doc Martens and I bought my perfume and another Bob Marley album, we had ice-cream, then went to Cineleisure to take neoprints. I hadn't done it in years and it felt really good to revisit those times. We had dinner at Pastamania where Sab almost died from too much cheese, then we went to Takashimaya where Sab paid $42 for a flimsy, plastic hairband with a plastic dog on it. OKAY.
We went back to Bishan to catch a movie, "Avatar". We actually bought the wrong timing tickets first, so when we went back to change it, they were only left with two seats in the first row. Damn! We took them, what the hell, I'll do everything at least once. We went home with neckaches, but the movie was good. Storyline was average, but everything else was pretty good. I prefer the blue people to the normal ones.

Anyway, I've uploaded a photo of me taken in Phuket. It was the "elephant massage" where the elephant just steps on your butt while he kisses you. Click on it and you'll be able to see my facial expression. I had to wipe my hair down afterwards. Lovely experience, though. Still missing my mr. whatshisname. I can't believe I don't know his name! I could kill myself.
Still feeling depressed about being back in Singapore. I look around and all I see is concrete. I have this strong urge to run away to some mountain far away from here and live there in isolation.
One day, I shall do just that.

Saturday, December 19th 2009

PHUKET TRIP

Day 1.

Arrived at Phuket, walked around town on foot. Didn't really do much on the first day except that I went for 20 minutes of fish therapy. It's incredibly therapeutic. Plus, I couldn't stop laughing. It was so ticklish, my most intimate "massage" and exfoliation ever- hundreds of cute little fish sucking at the skin on my feet.
Dinner at grilled-seafood eating place. I wouldn't call it a restaurant. Felt I dressed too dowdily today, will wear less tomorrow.

Day 2.

Went on canoe tour today, was afraid of being seasick but wasn't at all! Water wasn't blue, though, so a little disappointing. Tour group had this v cute guy but he turned out to be an asshole. Also, there was this other guy who has an uncanny resemblance to Ralph Fiennes! He sat opposite us on the boat so I had a lot of time to gaze.
Went to several islands, took photos with rocks. Looked less dowdy today so didn't feel too bad. Met "Johnny" who has a cool Thai-Muslim name. Poor guy has been working on that boat for 7 years, and he's only 24 now! Before that, he worked on a fishing boat. Glad that I met genuinely nice people today.
Went shoe-shopping, but everyone ended up with new shoes, everyone but me. Damn it. I should just buy shoes and paint over the stupid logo! Looking forward to more shopping tomorrow.

Day 3.

Today was just shopping and stuff, though buying shoes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll buy 3 pairs. Still not sure what I'll paint on them. Monkey Island? Toy Story? Bart Simpson and Sideshow Bob?
Period heavy, not sure how I'll be able to go water rafting tomorrow. Very worried. Early day tomorrow, hope it'll be good.

Day 4.

I have fallen in love with Phuket and its people. I love the nature here, the laid-back attitude, fresh air and pretty healthy lifestyle. We went on the water-rafting tour today, with other activities like flying fox and elephant trekking and taking photos with monkeys. I got massaged by the elephant and was kissed by it until I had to wipe my hair down.
The others thought the tour wasn't good but I liked it. This rafting guide kept playing with me, and the rafting was really fun. I loved the scenery, the sound of the flowing water. I don't even know his name but we took photos together. He is a truly nice, fake iphone and smoker but full-of-fun and adventure-craving person. And he's Thai.
After the tour we came back to Patong. Shoes to be collected tmr. Saw the guy at the purse stall who chatted me up yesterday. He held my hand today and refused to let go. Sis thinks he's cute but I don't really think so. He's too beng for me. It was sweet, though. Happy today!

Day 5.

Had half a day in Phuket, and back home tonight. Unhappy. I miss the people I met in Phuket, the slow-moving life, the mountains and rivers and greenery. I only don't miss the mosquitoes. Going with my family meant that I didn't get to buy a lot, got one pair of high-cut sneakers so not a total loss.
Lots of insect bites, hope none of them are worms. Didn't get to bungee on this trip, but shall go to Phuket again, next time without my family... hopefully. Ppl there seem to find me cute, good to be 18. Plus, most of them are quite good-looking! Aha!

-----------
I feel so inspired. I saw so many people with dreadlocks and cornrows and braids there, and I've decided to put dreadlocks back into my hair in the middle of next year. This time, I'll make it grow backwards so they won't fall in my face.

Sunday, December 13th 2009

Why do I torture myself like this?

Why do I insist on re-reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" even though it is so difficult to get through and so painful to read? With every page I feel like I'm in the shoes of Florentino Ariza, feeling his pain, crying his tears of joy, sadness and anger. Why does he relentlessly pursue Fermina Daza even though it shreds his heart? He buys a mirror and hangs it in his house, just because he knows her reflection is captured there. He writes the most beautiful love letters.

Every time I read the book or watch the movie, it torments me endlessly in my quiet moments and in my dreams. The desire to love just won't disappear, when my body is about to drift off to sleep, painful memories flash behind my eyelids and jolt myself awake.

What I do not see in real life anymore comes back to haunt me in my dreams.

Saturday, December 12th 2009

DOOM!

My mom is fed up with paying for my voice lessons.
At the beginning of the year she said she would pay for them so I wouldn't have to work for the money, but now she's taking back her word. She labels my lessons as "a waste of time and money", which I find unfair because I enjoy them immensely. I practise so hard and so often so I would be good, especially during the lessons.
Mom says I should "wait till I'm older to take voice lessons". Hello?! I'm 18, which is old to be starting vocal training, and she wants me to wait some more? She's mad, I tell you. I'm annoyed because my teacher is the best around and my parents always seem to want me to quit what I enjoy.

Dad made me quit gymnastics in Pri 2 because it was "dangerous". When I got older and re-joined it in Pri 4, the other girls laughed at me and the coach disliked me because I was not as good at gymnastics as my peers, or even worse, my juniors. Had I stayed on in Pri 2, I could have been good at it.

All of you who know me know that I love my CCA. I risked life and limb for it and fought to attend practice, argued to go on tour for competitions.
After a couple of years in my Secondary school choir, my parents wanted me to quit it. They said it was "a waste of time and effort". Luckily, I was old enough and less stupid, and I refused to listen to them. They state, but don't reason, you know? It's ridiculous, this childish behavior they so often display for whatever reason they deem plausible.

Now that I think about it, not-listening to them was what made me who I am today. I guess having them around isn't all bad, their negative behavior has a positive effect on my life.

Now I'm wondering if I should get a job. I'd like very much to go volunteer work instead, but if my mom really refuses to pay for my lessons, I'll have to do it myself. How am I going to get the money?!

Thursday, December 10th 2009

I took Rabbit a bit of carrot and a leaf of green veg yesterday, all was calm in the field. All sound of roaring vehicles from the roads and chatter of people from the pavements died down the closer I got to his tree. Lucky thing I chose that tree, huh?
My dear, sweet Rabbit. Green plants are growing over him now, as if protecting his remains. He certainly deserves it, his is a beautiful soul. I miss him dearly every day.

The afternoon was spent learning new music. My teacher had marked out quite a few, and they're beautiful. I didn't like "Maria Wiegenlied" at first, but only today had I realised how gorgeous it is. It's one of those heart-wrenching songs that make you stop breathing.

Have been listening to a little bit of Ian Bostridge. He's a pretty good tenor, I particularly like the song "Silent Noon". Still awaiting the arrival of "La dolce fiamma" by Philippe Jaroussky.
Had a look-see at the new mall, 313, yesterday, since I had to visit HMV as well. I had gotten worried that I missed their call or something, so I went to check up on the order. It hasn't arrived yet, the nice guy at the counter had even double-checked it the day before just to make sure.

I'm wondering if I should get a part-time job or do volunteer work during the holidays. I'd like to gain some experience in the culinary line, but I've also been wanting to volunteer at the Association for the Visually Handicapped. It's not far from my home and there's a straight bus there. It's been some time since I last did volunteer/charity work, but it didn't really count before because it was for choir CIP, and most of us couldn't speak in dialect, thus not being able to communicate with the grumpy elderly in the home. They just sat shouting at us, some smiling, some scowling, and it all felt very awkward.
Well, I'll probably go with the volunteer work, but not before I get a dog (yes!). After so many years of pondering, we're finally going to get one. There is a catch, though. I'm going to have to pay 1/2 the amount.

Saturday, December 5th 2009

I miss my Rabbit so much.

I miss the way he flattens against the floor whenever I pet him. I miss the soft fur beside his eyes, I miss his twitchy nose and little pink mouth that turns orange when he eats a carrot. I miss cuddling him. I miss his kisses.

How I wish I still had him here to cuddle.

Thursday, December 3rd 2009

"I sometimes think my head is so large because it is so full of dreams"

-Joseph Carey Merrick
[1862-1890 (Aged 27)]

Wednesday, November 2nd 2009

Yesterday had been pretty eventful.

I went shopping with Mom, hoping to buy some things from the Sesame Street roadshow thingy at Causeway Point. It turned out that they didn't have many things apart from some soft toys and kiddy bottles and clothes. We had lunch at Pastamania, then went jewellery-hunting. I was hoping to get some cheapskate small hoops for my double-pierced ear, but Mom insisted it would be more worthwhile to get "real" jewellery, they last longer, so we went round comparing prices and benefits, and finally got a pair of white-gold hoops. I guess it does help, my body is ultra-sensitive towards a lot of things. It's a curse, I tell you.

I still like the idea of two hoops in one ear. It has no set meaning, so I can choose to interpret it any way I want. It is self-expression.
Apparently, my Mom noticed my double-piercing long ago. I was waiting, just waiting for her to yell her head off in that awfully-shrill voice of hers, but she didn't. When I asked her about it yesterday, she just said ,"young people everywhere all have piercings now". It was hilarious! She even joked about me piercing my eyebrows and lip, and other places as well.
I was/am, however, grateful that she was so understanding about it. I didn't get the piercing because I wanted to "be like everyone else", I got it because I wanted it. I simply wanted it. It looks cool, but laid-back at the same time, you know?

She also bought me LEGO!!!
It came in this cardboard carton containing 700 LEGO pieces! My own set of LEGO came in this blue tub, and there were only enough pieces for me to build a small house with a bed and chair. Hah! LEGO is the ultimate toy. If I didn't have LEGO to play with as a child, I probably wouldn't even be blogging right now. I'd probably be at some cybercafe, LAN-gaming my money and days away. LEGO opened up a whole new door, a way of self-expression and creativity. It's like creating your own world, you put in every brick where you want it, how you want it, and build what ever the hell you want!

I will never understand why society deems it unsuitable for adults to like children's toys and programmes. What's wrong with it? Childhood is a time of blissful ignorance, who wouldn't want to escape the dog-eat-dog adult world for that?