Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Mindful of death- Mind full of death



I've always wondered how I might die.

Be it by fire?
Be it by water?
Be it by suffocation?
Be it by exhaustion?
Be it by suicide?
Be it by accident?
Be it when life ends?
Be it at world's end?

Be it painful?
Be it sudden?
Be it slow?
Be it calming?
Be it numbing?

Be it happy?
Be it depressing?
Be it exciting?
Be it boring?

Be it worth waiting for?
You tell me.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Simplicity



There's something incredibly attractive about simplicity.

Some people look so good even dressed in rags, so why can't I? I'll tell you why.
Individual perception has been altered so much by society and its influences. Media, traditions and expectations have moulded us to bear in mind the "reputation" we are expected to maintain. It's so tiring sometimes :(

I've always felt this incredible pressure to look good, for my family, for honey, for my friends, for everyone, to prove something unknown. Picking clothes carefully for half an hour to an hour every day before leaving the house is getting increasingly frustrating. I want the freedom to throw on a huge pullover sweater and shorts, and slip my feet into some sneakers and just go about my day. Comfort. If only I could just throw on my doctor's coat every day and not worry about little petty things like the way I look. It's just that... I'm not a doctor yet.

Is the problem really with me?
Maybe I make it my problem to look good for other people?
I'm tired of that.
No need for flashy clothes, no need for jewellery, no need for many bags to suit different outfits.

It's time for simplicity.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Going solo



I had my solo debut tonight!

Though I wouldn't really call it solo, seeing as I did a duet with my sister, but hey, it's my first time singing for an audience without a choir to hide behind!
I think my teacher thought it would be good to at least have a duet for a first experience, that provided a very, very small sense of security. I almost blacked out before the performance but I pulled through- and did well, too. I was still so high and happy hours after the performance that when I slipped and almost fell on the way home, I couldn't stop grinning to myself!

It was a house full of very, very rich people. Their basement was bigger than my entire house, and I felt utterly, utterly small there, not to mention peniless. However, with a tummyfull of yellow soupy noodles, I had enough energy to carry on, thanks be to God.

It's been the holidays since the exams ended, and I felt pretty good after each one. I might be a teeny bit worried about my Molecular Genetics- my weakest subject this semester, but the others were quite well done, I think. I've been working on DIY projects on my own, cutting up shirts into designs and making tribal feather jewellery, and I'm leaving for Macau and Guangzhou this week for SHOPPING! A very well-deserved shopping trip. I've had a lot riding on my shoulders this semester, and it's finally time to whip out the loose comfy clothes and go mad.

My teacher seemed pretty happy with the way things turned out today, and she says that she'll be getting me more opportunities to sing in front of audiences. One is coming up on the 8th of October, where I will be singing a Chinese coloratura piece. It took me 2-3 years to get here, and somehow I don't want this happy streak to end. It's like I have everything going for me right now and I don't have to make any kind of life-altering decision yet, I can still be both a student of medicine and of music, I wish it will never end.

Please, God, end the world in 2012 so I can die happily this way.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Truth or war?



I used to think that I was living to win a war,
but there is no war.
People only learn through experiences,
and one day I hope to be able to say
"I have".

It is not a war,
just a mere disbelief of truths that are obvious to the world
but disregarded by mankind.

-My Dream Box

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Candylicious!



There's something really comforting about being in a candy shop.

Just the other day, Mom's office had a family-day event at Universal Studios, and my god, it was like a fairytale. Just being at Far Far Away made me feel so unbelievably happy, like I wanted to live there forever.
I'm considering working there for half-a-year after I graduate from Poly, at Egypt or Far Far Away ;)
(By the way, Cylon is awesome!!!)

After Universal Studios (and mad photograph-taking with Fake Charlie Chaplin), we stumbled upon a candy shop just outside the theme park. It's called Candylicious, and oh my, my heaven. For all you sweet-toothed candy lovers out there, this is the place to go.

It's 3 times as huge as Candy Empire and has all the sweets and chocolates you could ever want to eat! Bought a couple of lollipops myself, I have to test for standards, don't I?

;) Still dreaming I'm back at Far Far Away~

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Far Far Away



Tiffany's is to Holly Golightly what Far Far Away is to me.
Unfortunately, nobody bothers to take the time to understand that.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Or could I?

Wish I could die on a night like this.

The never ceasing breeze, persistent to help me fly. The night of still clouds stretching infinitely into darkness, all I can hear for miles around is the sound of water caressing the rocks so far below.

Serenity is mine.
What would it take for me to jump?

A welcome of waves with open arms-
slosh, slosh, slosh, a breath underwater;
I am alive.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

The Story of Nervous



Haven't written in a while but I stumbled upon some of my past pieces of work, and I found a few I had put together for my Creative Writing subject last semester. You may recognise bits and pieces here and there, but here's a story anyway.

-
"P-p-please s-sir, I-I'd like a strawberry i-i-ice-cr-cream cone."

The seemingly huge man gazed at him from behind the counter. The heat was sweltering that day, and it was important, yes, crucial that he had some ice-cream. With expert movements, the huge man whipped up a crispy wafer cone, fresh from the wafer-maker, and scooped a heavenly mound of strawberry ice-cream into it. The little boy glowed excitedly in wait for his daily treat.

With utmost generosity, the huge man presented the cone to the little boy, his whiskers twitching, "It's on me today, Nervous. Enjoy!" A lovely smile painted itself across the little boy's face. Thanking him, he trudged towards his usual swing, the one at the far end of the playground, and sat down to his tasty trophy.

Nervous now sat outside the cathedral at the square. Every once in a while he reached into his bag and threw out a handful of breadcrumbs to the pigeons. They flocked to him, greedily picking at the golden crumbs with great voracity. The intimidating statue of David stood high above him, casting a shade over the cathedral. More birds crowded into the shade to reap the goodness off the floor.

He sighed, his mime make-up crumpling. The square was rather quiet at this time of the day, everybody was sitting indoors, sipping hot chocolate. Winter had yet to come, but the sky was a shade of steel, and cruel storms were brewing. Nervous shivered in his mime suit, and reached to pull on his thick overcoat. Now cosy and snug in the warmth, Nervous packed up for the day and started walking.

The cottage was at a lone clearing, just outside of town. It was left to him, by whom, he didn't know, but he had no one, no one. A mossy pond wasn't far off, and poor Nervous trudged gloomily towards it. Tiny toadstools looked to him, and whispered anxiously to one another on the approach of the looming giant. A little mushroom asked her mother about him.

Nervous sat alone at the bank, hugging his knees. Why hadn't he come? He'd promised to come watch him, since four years ago. Nervous had been waiting all this time in vain. He looked into the dark mirror of water that reflected a lovely face.

Hadn't Narcissus once knelt at these banks? He'd fallen in love with the boy in the water, adorned with locks of golden hair. Nervous stretched to pluck a flower, and stuck it in his own dark hair. His always seemed untamed; they stood out in stubborn curls, unwilling to flatten, as if crying out to be noticed.

He now began to hum a tune, a tune so slow and mournful. The flowers crowded around him in sheer curiosity as Nervous pulled out the locket around his neck. He flicked it open at a touch, to be greeted by the smile of his lover's face. He had the same dark hair, only the slightest bit wavy, and wore on his head a brown headband. Nervous caressed the worn-out photograph with trembling fingertips.

He'd promised to come, for four years he'd waited for him, day after day, at the square. They had been so happy together, until the authorities found out- they weren't just the friends they claimed to be. That's when it all happened in a rush.

Nervous clung desperately to the steady frame of his lover, but they soon removed him. They questioned them as they would criminals, and they stood in shame, handcuffs around their wrists. They made them promise never to communicate again.

How could he? Surely he had more courage, more common sense to know nothing that did was wrong? Surely love would prevail? And yet, he still hadn't turned up after four years.

A small chuckle escaped from his throat. He wasn't coming, and Nervous knew it. So many months had been wasted waiting for the lover that never came back. Nervous had decided- he would wait no more.

Lying at the bank now, he stared into the water. It was clear, but he still could not see the bottom. How deep was it? He dipped a finger into the water, breaking the mirror-like reflection. A pair of melancholic eyes started back at him, in their depths stood a little boy, licking ice-cream. A boy who stuttered, a boy who sat at the swings alone.

Nervous began to peel off his clothes. First, he kicked off his shoes, then slipped off his socks. He took off everything, one by one, until there was nothing left, save for the silver locket on a chain around his neck. He squatted on the bank, and sunk a leg into the pond. It was freezing, but he barely felt it.

Slowly, he lowered himself into the cold water, oblivious to his surroundings. It was just him and the calm water. The water came up to his shoulders, as he stood on the slippery rocky bottom of the pond. He felt the plants around his ankles, reaching for him, inviting him to their home. Nervous finished his song and went underwater. The water soaked his hair as he lay down at the bottom, and as he opened his eyes towards the sky, he smiled.

The stars were waiting for him.
He took a deep breath.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Wednesday, 6th July 2011



This is it.

I am exactly the same age Dorian Gray was when the madness started.

-
Soft, supple, firm, muscular,
aptly rounded with a touch of sensuality;

Michelangelo really knew his way around The Perfect Ass.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Monday, 4th July 2011



It was a sad day.

I felt so idiotic, so out of control standing in front of the group, trying to lead but overtaken by another who kept playing wrong notes. She did say she's a pianist, didn't she? So I tried to be nice; I let her lead, but still I went around, helping those who needed help most. To be a pianist and not know solfege must be such a burden.

Joanne stepped on my slipper again. Alas, the other side spoiled this time, but I don't blame her at all. It was bound to happen whether anybody had stepped on it or not. Can't wait to have my birthday dinner with her there as well. I hobbled around on one slipper and a bare foot, through carparks, on pavements, on roads, in lifts, until I got home to shower.

Shower, Panadol, Study.
Only reached home at about 9.30pm, so I started studying at around 10 after my shower. It helps that I had something I had to do to take my mind off choir, at least for a while. The test, although ungraded, is tomorrow morning at 9am. How sad is it to have two tests on my birthday, with classes from 9am-9pm?

I went around everywhere and couldn't find the Neckermann sandals that I wanted. Eventually it occurred to me that Neckermann does not have it in red, so I either have to get fakes, or just get Birkenstocks. The idea is just crazy, who would pay so much for a pair of slippers? My wise side says it's rubbish, and the cheap ones are just as comfortable, but the whiny side argues that it's my birthday and I deserve a gift. But, neh, I'll go with my wise side on this one.

Choir used to be so much friendlier. People actually talked to each other, laughed, jammed on the guitar, went out to dinner in a huge group after practice. People laughed during sectionals and made jokes all the time. Now they just sit there stone-faced, like cold marble only with a jaw of flesh and eyes that roll. They sit huddled up in twos or alone, whisper-whispering about things that don't matter.
I wonder.

Felt so terrible after practice, I actually felt glad I had to rush off to study. The darkness and comfort of Dad's car soothed me, and Scrubs lifted my mood a bit. Too bad the loading was so slow, I couldn't watch more than a minute of it. When I got home I wanted to break down and have a good cry, but no, no time for tears. I took a shower and panadol, then went to work.

They talked about a career in music at choir. I guess my voice teacher has been harbouring hopes that I go into music and continue studying under her for life. She's mentioned it several times, but I still can't bring myself to. There's always been such a passion there, so why am I afraid it being killed?

I think I'm secretly scared of all the bitching that goes on in a music career. Doctors and surgeons barely have time to sleep, they're always running from place to place, never bored, never having to ponder over everyday life and its emotions. Doing surgery is about putting aside personal emotions and saving the person in front of you.

Maybe that's why I want it so much.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Saturday, 2nd July 2011



Incredible human spirit.

What would it be like to be Radio?
To forgive and forget so easily
To love and live every day like it's the last
To be so happy with everyone
To give your own Christmas presents away
To do favours without expecting anything in return

Even when nobody liked you-

That's what it means to be Radio.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Wednesday, 29th June 2011



There.
There's that feeling.

Remember how I slogged my ass off during the Mid-Sem tests? It all paid off, and apparently the flashcard method works well for me! I've finally found a study method that works for a picky Yours Truly!

I'd never been told I was "on the right track" or "doing well" before, so this is rather new, so don't mind if I boast a bit! ;) Took me two terrible semesters (both with supp papers) to get to this point, so it wasn't an easy journey, but I think I can safely say that I shall nevermore take a supp paper!

This is incredible news so near to my 20th birthday which, by the way, is a little scary for me. My friends tell me I don't look a day over 18, and I'll bet with stakes that I can pass for 15 in my school uniform. My family has taken me to Marche for a lovely dinner at which I went crazy ordering food, and my brother has nonchalantly put some new iPhone covers on my study-table. My parents always know when my birthday is, but they always forget how old I am. Maybe when I turn 21 and start to do awesome stuff, they'll realise it.

Until Tuesday next week, I remain, still, a happy teenager. I've been colouring a lot in my little sketchbook lately. Can you believe I paid $2.50 for an entire set of markers?! Been creating new characters and resurrecting old ones, drawing from dreams and thoughts. Though the pages are all laden with colours, a closer look would reveal a darker side of my subconscious which, thankfully, nobody really bothers looking into.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Post Created Jun 20, 2011 11:09:06 PM





The room is dark.

Lights were put out half an hour ago, but the urgent whispering still rises from the assortment of sleeping bags laid out on the cold floor.

My body lies here, but my soul is out on the treetops.

Friday, June 17, 2011

17th June 2011





She weaved in and out like an experienced vulture; eager to get the job done so that she could have dinner. It was a dream, though more so a nightmare, all of the cruelty with none of the wickedness.

She did not mean to kill; she had to, forced by an upper hand more powerful than she. With diamond she armed her beautiful self and, wielding cruelty as her weapon, she brought the young one down with one strike.

And yet, under all that fear was love.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday, 14th June 2011





I was there. I was dreaming.
It happened right before my eyes.

I was walking along a really large canal somewhere near a muddy-looking reservoir in Singapore, and I remember looking hard for crocodiles because I saw the warning sign. I was high up on a pavement, a looooong stretch of railings lining the edge. I sat in front of the railing, staring into the muddy water, hoping for a scaly head to appear.

Just then, I saw three surface. The three crocs were huge, they should've been about 5 metres long, muscular and hungry. Then, a familiar head poked out of the water. It was the Loch Ness Monster, going up for some air. It was a lovely mix between light purple, blue and green. It had fat little legs that paddled underwater and soft long neck.

The crocs were greedy. They attacked the Loch Ness Monster, snapping their lined jaws and ripping flesh in a violent frenzy. The muddy water took upon a reddish hue, and I saw no more of that lovely Loch Ness Monster, only some of its legs floating on the water.

-For my lovely Loch Ness Monster.

Monday, June 13 2011



It's like the deadlines never end.

Just tonight, we were told we had to split into groups for an A Capella competition. Oh God, oh God. My heart got sliced into a million pieces as soon as they'd announced it.

I know it's "gonna be fun" and all that, but it means more deadlines to meet, more competing with other groups, having to work and get along with new people.
The New People.

So far, only a few of The New People have been rather friendly, one of whom I already know. I tried to get to know a few more, but they have proved to be incredibly cold. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, it's rather getting on my nerves.

Why do they do this?
Two weeks of what's supposed to be a holiday is now taken up by camps and more deadlines. Sometimes I wonder- since I'm being taught how the body works and how to keep it alive, surely it would make it a lot easier for me to do the opposite?

Obviously, a fork won't be enough.

The warmth I was greeted with on my first day at this choir is all gone now, the seniors are all busy or gone, so many good friends lost. I feel as if it's missing something, love in a sea of people, kindness in a favor.
The judging eyes glance when you walk into a room, the secret sneers and cruel smirks brand wherever they land, and it hurts, oh, it hurts so.

All the familiarity is gone.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Lie





You've got your ball
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight
Tie me up again
Who's got their claws in you my friend?
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sunday, 12th June 2011



Not too long ago, I heard of a theory.

Everybody was so hyped up about smart phones, smart computers, smart tablets, smart refrigerators, smart everything. Everything was made "smart", but what kind of smart exactly?

Someone said to me, "It'd be pretty scary if one day these things get too smart."

I watched Transformers tonight, and truth be told, it was very, very exciting. I'm usually not into action films, but I'm all for Bumblebee. It just occurred to me that the reality of machines getting "too smart" for us is very real. Heck, people have already found ways to create robots with life-like personalities!

Anyway, just tonight I discovered that I'm developing some sort of immunity against sadness. Stupid petty things that usually made me cry now just strike me as, well, petty. I think I have "Biutiful" to thank.
Now, I'm not going to type a whole paragraph of "how this movie has changed my life", I'm just going to say that I'll never know when I'm about to die. What the hell, why put in time and effort being unhappy when I can enjoy every moment?

I don't believe that I need to be sad to feel real happiness. I've had my fair share of upsetting experiences, as some of my friends would know. I've shed too many tears for stupid little things, and now when something petty comes along, I just let it go.

It's getting easier and easier, just like everything else I've trained myself to deal with. Secrets lie in a box not even gamma rays can penetrate.

Stupid things?
They'll never touch me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Saturday, 9th April 2011


"Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real." -Dr. Hannibal Lecter What would you do if the world were to end tomorrow? Would you die happy? What makes me happy? I guess there are many things I want to do but have yet to in life, such as bungee-jump and play a banjo and sing with Philippe Jaroussky, but I still think if I were to die tomorrow, I'd die without regrets. There have been many, many painful moments in my life. Too many, in fact, due to my own stupidity. May 16th occurred because I left my phone unprotected with a password, by my pillow overnight whilst charging. If you look at my blog archives, you'd realise that there were no posts for May 2006. I've also failed major exams, and it always happens so that I have to take it again in order to move on to the next level. I guess this isn't stupidity, just due to my terrible methods of studying. Mr Jiow, my teacher at Sec 3, told us that Express students are what are known as "knowledge sponges". They absorb all the information quickly and efficiently, and regurgitate well and get good grades. He then went on to say that he preferred Normal Acad students because we aren't sponges, we use more logic to argue, etc etc. I'm still half sure he was just trying to make us feel better. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will remember me after I die. Would they remember the acne-ridden, angsty young teenager that gushed on and on about Clay Aiken, or would they remember the girl who, seemingly confident, sought to prove society's opinions about lesser students than Express ones wrong? I lie in bed, night after night, plagued by early memories of my childhood, about a certain computer game I played long ago. There was a particular scene, at which I stood in front of a dark cartoon woods, where dark creatures of the wild lurked, faeries danced around toadstools, and elves walked. Or the time in real life when I used to hang out at my old condominium, playing alone in the afternoons, having "picnics" and walking on a stone path leading to towering hibiscus flower bushes. Not knowing they were poisonous, I picked them and threw them everywhere, creating a flower-confetti shower. It's late. Even with the numerous earthquakes and ravaging signs of global warming, people are still skeptical about 2012. It's 2011, and though there is an exact day and date for the presumed apocalypse, the world around me has started to crumble. I won't know if I will wake up tomorrow warm in bed or hundreds of kilometers under the sea, looking at my own body. Then I'll be like the character in one of my stories, who got thrown overboard by the men who killed him.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Thursday, 31st March 2011


It is the eve of our first anniversary. I can't believe we've spent a year together. I've been through countless drops of tears, and yet, despite that, I've pulled through with a grin from ear to ear. Honey and I are to get our promise rings tomorrow. It shall be like a first-year thing. It wasn't easy getting through a whole year, but now that we have I know there's potential for many, many more. Here's to hoping! I only have one wish during this lifetime: to die happy. It seems simple on the surface, but there are actually many underlying hopes and dreams and wants, such as having Honey by my side and having all the music in the world and singing at Teatro La Fenice and building my cottage in the middle of nowhere and eating a chocolate cake all by myself. And that's just some of it! Also, Beach Day is coming, so it's time to start working out again! Honey and I have been planning it since last year, but school has been so, so hectic, so this holiday's our chance. No way am I going to starve myself on any level for any cause, no student of human anatomy in their right mind would, but I would definitely follow recommended workouts and eat lots of fruit! Thank God Dad just bought "too much fruit".