Saturday, May 1st 2010

Yesterday, at school, we were having a class on communication skills. It took two hours of my very valuable time. Very valuable, indeed.
We had to do a skit in little groups, obviously, displaying good communication skills. My group chose a paragraph about a poor office clerk who's very stressed about impossible deadlines and wants to quit her job, but can't do so because she hasn't found another. Her friends try to comfort her, and they display good communication skills in their conversation.

We twisted it so I was sitting at the desk first, doing paperwork, when my asshole boss comes along and throws me a pile of work, saying ,"I want this on my desk first thing tomorrow morning. I don't care how you do it, it had better be there!" (I nod sadly) After he leaves, an office worker comes along and throws me her stack of work, "Aye! You got more experience, right? Do this work for me!" and then continues talking on her mobile phone, making plans to go shopping right away. I'm left staring at the pile of work on my desk, and then my phone rings. My two best friends want to meet up for dinner. I agree after some talk, arranging to meet them in 2 hours. When we do sit down to talk and have dinner, I look half-dead and stressed as heck. My friends, worried, ask me what's wrong, and I whine and sob about my asshole boss and my bullying colleague, and how I want to quit but I can't.

My whining and sobbing became too real. It started to take over me, eating away at the good mood I had before. Tears were threatening to escape from their ducts, my face was screwed up in a pained expression. The class was silent, I was left depressed.

I've been discovering a different genre of music from that of which I usually listen to. It just suddenly occured to me that I never took the time to listen to Taylor Swift, so I searched for a playlist of her music, and was pleasantly surprised.
It's a lovely mix of country, rock and pop. Nice how the banjo fits nicely there, you know how I like the banjo! I'm also starting to think she's kinda cute.. dang.

A day with a difference- elation hung in the air, something magical, something real.
A month, our first month together, has come and gone. Though it's only been a month, I feel like I've known him for a really long time. I know why, too. We meet quite often, so we spend a lot of time together, though it never seems to be enough. I find myself unwilling whenever it's time to go home. The only comfort in going home is to sleep in my bed, surrounded by my stuff and boards.
I don't think we had many problems or obstacles in our first month. Disagreements come with every relationship, but I try not to have disagreements or arguments. I know more problems will arise as time goes by; secrets, insecurity, boredom, this is why we have to avoid them.
Now, we shall tackle the second month to come :)

We met up for a concert tonight, for which we were both very, very late. We managed to catch the last few songs, just. When the violin squeaked, I suddenly burst out laughing but, luckily, I stifled them until they subsided. I always seem to laugh at the most inappropriate moments! I slid further down in my seat beside D, hoping nobody else noticed my laughter, my shoulders still shaking.
We made a bet two weeks ago. The loser would have to give the winner a massage. He bet that the instruments would play out of tune, I bet that the soloist would sing out of tune or badly. The bet was neck-to-neck for a while, then they tuned the strings out-of-tune, and the violin broke.
I conceded defeat.

You know, sometimes, my favourite part of my day is just to cuddle him. Like I've said before, his company is almost as comforting as milk. He wore my flower (photo above) in his hair today for a brief moment, and looked SO lovely! It's a wonder why he wasn't made a girl in this lifetime. Sometimes, I think he's even prettier than me!

Not that it's a bad thing, love :D

Friday, 30th April 2010

I did a study on maggots once.

I tried growing some. I hung a big piece of raw pork in a wire cage from a tree at the field beside my block, but they never came. I mean, there were a couple of flies and lots of ants, but the maggots never came. There were a few eggs, I think, but then somebody cleared the cage off the tree and I never saw it again.

I was doing a study on maggots for my 'O' level Art exam. We were always encouraged to use first-hand sources, instead of copying from photos off the internet. Since my attempt at getting a first-hand source didn't work out, I had to draw the maggots off the internet. However, I did use some first-hand sources, like the pig's heart I bought from the market, dissected and drew.

No, I don't consider myself sick and twisted. I just really like Biology. There are two things I absolutely can't stand; worms and zombies. Both appear in my nightmares often. Both of them just freak me out completely, apart from the other numerous things that freak me out.

I've noticed that more and more things are freaking me out, be it a said thing, a seen thing, a heard thing or a done thing. There are so many now, although I can't seem to list them off the top of my head.
These few days have just been too stressful, with insufficient sleep every night, the dizzying highs and the depressing lows of everyday life, studies, love, family, other general things. I feel myself lagging behind, feeling exhausted, helpless, doubtful. I yearn for the headstrong side of me. Where is it hiding?
Sheer willpower is needed here, to pull me through hell once again.

Why, then, why is it hiding?

Thursday, April 29th 2010

It's been a blur.

A total, stressful, exhausting blur.

Chemistry, drifting thoughts, short attention spans, droning lecturers, baffling material, draggy tutorials.

Lonely hours, vague feeling of insecurity, an impending fear.

Depression, depression, depression.

I am in dire need of milk.

Saturday, April 24th 2010

I just survived 3 torturous hours of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry.

I am being driven by doubts and fears in different aspects of my life. All this negativity is taking a toll on me, my soul, my body, my feelings, my thoughts.

Dark soldiers are trying to invade my castle and claim it as their own, and I, at the top of the tallest tower, am instructing my army to defend it. My army is holding up, for now, but I fear they won't be able to take it for much longer. How will they survive doing this for 3 whole years?
Can an army, under pressure, tired and injured, get stronger over time?

The dark soldiers seem to be multiplying. With evil grins painted on their faces, they spear at the gates effortlessly and unrelentingly in the attempt of breaking through. My men are getting tired, I can see it in their eyes, even though they deny it and brush it off with a laugh.

In each and every one of them, lie dreams and hopes of success, of getting what they want in life, of ideal situations, of simplicity in daily routine, of happiness. However, there lies an impending doom, a looming wave of nails. The sharp points gleam menacingly at my poor soldiers, waiting, just waiting for them to let their guard down.

Only then will they proceed to eternally devour my army, along with their hopes and dreams of how life should be.

Friday, 23rd April 2010

This small blister appeared on my finger one day, out of nowhere. Perhaps I sub/unconsciously rubbed it against something, or perhaps it's an allergic reaction to something I ate. This is not surprising, I've had worse allergic reactions. Remember the few bouts of rashes that almost made me kill myself? Meh, the blister should disappear pretty soon.

Something upset me tonight, I don't quite feel like typing about it yet. It isn't really that bad, though it struck me pretty hard.

On another topic, I find myself feeling less self-conscious around my Love. I guess we have been spending a lot of time together, and I think I've gotten used to seeing him and being around him. I feel so comfortable around him, conversation just comes naturally, among other things. It is somewhat therapeutic, his company, it works almost as well as a glass of milk.

My day wasn't that great, now that I think about it. First thing in the morning, I was told I had to skip lecture for choir. Dilemma, dilemma. They made me choose. I really didn't want to miss lecture (on Principles of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry), because everyone in class is so 'on' and hardworking, and the lecturer goes through the topics really quickly. I'm so afraid of falling behind, and in the first week, too! It was a work v.s. play dilemma. Work is studies, play is choir. Play won the battle, and I went for choir at the stated time, missing an hour of valuable lecture time. Now, it is my job to catch up on what ever I missed out on. Oh, and to complete a pile of homework.
Talk about stressful.

I keep wanting to work on my Ciaccona but haven't found the time. It's been hectic during the past few weeks, but when the schedule stabilizes, I shall then sit at the library, writing music and stories on my laptop. After I finish studying. :D Kiasu.

I love it that nobody's perfect; it's part of their charm.

Wednesday, April 21st 2010

Methinks parents should welcome a child home with spirits of sweet-naturedness, lest the child detests returning to the abode more and more each day.

If children come home to warmth and love, they would look forward to doing so every day. The security, sweetness, familiarity. The happy conversations at the dinner table. The celebration of Christmas as a family.
However, if children come home to shouting people, angry glares, insensitivity and countless fears, they'd dislike coming home, wouldn't they?

The idea of moving out entered my mind tonight. I had just spent several hours with D having dinner and studying, him with his Business Stats, and I with my Chemistry homework, and was doing a self-reflection during the bus-ride home.
This seems torturous and unfair, the time I waste travelling home each day and being yelled at for it. It's not as if I could make the bus go any faster. What's more, the distance remains the same. It's as much a waste of my time as it is for my parents. I find I feel more and more fed up with living so far from school and everyone I know.
I didn't really entertain the idea of moving out, for it would not be simple. Firstly, I would have to find someplace to stay, near school, in the east. It would probably cost a lot of money, which leads me to my second point, being too swamped with studies, CCA and other things to get a job.

My God, what do I do?

Tuesday, April 20th 2010

V so affectionately called me a nerd yesterday.

I think there's a big difference between a nerd and a hardworking student, the latter of which I am, or, at least, who I hope to be.
Feeling like a nerd is one thing, actually being one is another entirely. Being one would make my life so much easier, I wouldn't have to discipline myself to sit at a table to do my work. It would come naturally, like an urge, an itch or, heaven forbid, a passion.
However, I do believe that a hardworking student is far more impressive than a nerd. It's all in the word "hardworking". There's no way to twist that around. From that, one can derive all sorts of related qualities- discipline, perseverance, balance, willpower. I'd like to think I have all of those qualities, but I doubt it.
Perhaps they'll come with time.

Monday, 19th April 2010

Today, I went to school for the first time in almost two years.

It's been quite a while since I attended any lessons at school, so it felt really good to be back. I felt so at home, so wanted, so needed, I enjoyed being there. A thirst for knowledge in my mind and Korean beef rice in my tummy, I set out to school, to be hardworking.

The first lecture was Maths.
However, I gazed upon it in a positive mindset, and actually felt eager to read through the thick booklet of notes we were given before the lecture. I saw A-Maths. I saw Indices. I saw Graphs! However, after looking at it closely, I realised they aren't bad at all. I just need to understand the topic first. After APEL, I went to check out the library. I remembered some lecturer mentioning the 7th level having medical books, so I just went there. It was quiet, without many people around. I pretended to gaze at the books, while actually scanning the room for a quiet corner desk to sit at. Finding one, I sat at it gingerly, taking out my notes and writing materials. I went to work.

We were told to read up on the first chapter by Thursday, when we have our next Maths lecture, I think. I read, did the exercises, and shall start on the 2nd chapter tomorrow. During the bus ride home, I flipped through the rest of the notes. My hands twitched with the urge to start doing them.
Man, I feel like such a nerd!

Choir wasn't great tonight, there seemed to be this dark cloud hovering over everyone, so the mood was somewhat gloomy, even though it was Zyndie's birthday (Happy Birthday!). I hadn't the least idea she was attached, that is, until her boyfriend showed up. Hmmm.

Bought my lab coat and goggles today, the smallest size is XS, but when I wore the coat, I felt like I was drowning in it! It was like wearing an XXL-sized dress! I really should get it shortened, if not by a tailor, then my mom. How am I to look cool in a lab coat when it's smothering me?!

D- I cannot believe you stayed up to read this. Go, go, time to sleep!!! :)

Sunday, April 18th 2010

The past few days have been a blur.

It all began last week, on Wednesday night when I discovered that I had FOC for the next 3 days. After that, I was given Sunday to rest, which I used to watch "Ugly Betty", I think. Monday brought another orientation camp, this time within Applied Science, and I got to meet my new classmates and Careperson.

Dr Khin seems like a likable character, she speaks in quick hushed tones and smiles a lot. She has this Beatles haircut which, unfortunately, suits her well. Meh. I hope she stays nice and friendly throughout. I think if I work closely with her and my tutors, I'll be able to do well and be a guai kia.

I don't believe I can't do it all.
Choir two days a week after 6pm, studying and revising almost every day for about 2 hours, practising for my voice lessons, juggling my social life...
2 hours of studying zips by pretty quickly. There's just enough time for me to revise what I learn, so as to understand it better and embed it in my memory. I shall hope for more empty spaces in my timetable so I can utilise the time for studies.
Anything seems more desirable than having to go home to grumpy parents and tired people. There's an aura about this place, and it's suffocating. Since Rabbit left me, I haven't found a reason to want to come home. There's nothing here.

School starts tomorrow, thank God. I've been at home for too long. The last time I went to school for lessons was... in 2008. It's been almost two years, can you imagine how much I've suffered? You wouldn't survive a week at home with these people, it'll kill your spirit, it'll make you cynical and sarcastic. It takes strength and sheer willpower to veer off that path.
I've met so many people in Poly already, most of them genuine, friendly ones. They come from neighbourhood schools and speak hokkien, too, but are surprisingly multi-lingual. I don't always understand what they talk about, though. One of my parents may be hokkien, the other teochew, but I have no dialect roots whatsoever, apart from the measly bit of cantonese I understand.

Thursday, April 15th 2010

I got a wonderful jolt of a feeling today.

You see, remember those flying dreams I had been having often a while back? Just recently. I would fly up as high as possible, and then let myself fall, knowing I would be able to stop myself from smashing onto the hard ground below.
Today, we had to attend this Second Life workshop. I did the writing and research part, because I didn't really feel like tampering with complicated architecture. However, I got to play with the finished result, I got to fly.
I did just that. I flew as high as I could go, until I was in the clouds. I could barely see myself, white mass was all around me, but I felt the wonderful feeling of being free. My legs dangled below me, and, for the first time, no pressure was on them. I could go wherever I wished, I only had to fly. However, I let myself fall to earth. I sped groundwards, stumbled a bit on the ground, but I was back up and walking in a flash. So, I can fly in Second Life.
How I wish I could fly in the real one.

My cough is better, but I am still craving heaty food. On my way home, my mouth drooled at the thought of that deliciously sinful western steak and fries, drenched in mushroom sauce. I also felt like eating a currypuff, the A1 one at Ang Mo Kio, and Bengawan Solo's egg tart. I devoured a whole packet of Houten chilli tapioca crisps on the long bus ride home, before I fell asleep and awoke with a terrible neckache, in time to get off at the interchange.

Last night, I was telling D about how I like people who are "human". I said I think the pimple on his eyebrow is quite cute, he gave me a demerit point. I said it would be cuter right smack in the middle on his nose, he gave me another demerit!
It's difficult to explain, what with us being human beings and all, but no, not that kind of human. I mean, a "human" quality is a kind of flaw. They seem perfect, but actually have a few imperfections, flaws. People who are too perfect freak me out. No, I think being "human" is charming, an endearing quality, one to be desired and embraced.

Like the pimple on your eyebrow. :)

Wednesday, April 14th 2010

I wish this cough would go away.

Luckily for me, it's not the serious, phlegmy, disgusting kind. It's just a slight cough, an itchy throat. Annoying, but not serious enough to keep me at home.

Orientation lasted the entire night yesterday, even now, I can't believe I pulled through. I played all the games except two, one of which involved lying on the ground and getting wet, the other, exchanging of body fluids in the most revolting, unappealing manner.

One of the games was called "Milo Gargle". There, on the table, are several cups with spoons in them. In one, there was milo powder, in another, there was sugar, in the last, there was water. At the side, there lay a large cardboard dice, with the numbers 1-6. At the end, there stood a big empty plastic bottle.
A person had to shove a spoonful of milo powder in his mouth, and then toss the dice. Whatever number showed up on the dice, he had to put that number of spoonfuls of sugar in his mouth, and then proceed to add some water to the milo-sugar mixture in his mouth. Once he adds water, he gargles the mixture, and then spits it into the empty bottle at the end. Everyone does this. The milo spoon was gummed up with saliva and milo powder from previous groups. A side wins when they fill the bottle to the brim first. The side that loses has to drink the milo mixture from the bottle.
My group lost, so they passed the bottle around, each person took a mouthful from it. It was truly revolting, I tell you. God knows how many colonies of bacteria there were, going from mouth to mouth, how many diseases were exchanged. Luckily, I didn't have to drink it.

My knees are all bruised from crawling on hard floor during some games, they hurt a lot, and I have muscle aches everywhere. Everywhere. Ah, the price to pay for being a good girl and going for orientation camps.

Tomorrow, I'll have to be at school from 8.45am-6pm for another seemingly long day of orientation, playing more games, listening to more talks. I've had several people come up to me and telling me I'm cute, and how they like my butterfly. It's a nice feeling.

HMV nice guy has called again, my Philippe Jaroussky CD has arrived. Along with it came "Sabet Mater", he asked me if I want that, too. I wasn't sure, so he said he'd keep it there for me first. Heh heh, but I don't have money. Shall ask for some for those. After all, how often do I ask for money?

Tuesday, April 13th 2010

Ah, a quick blog update before I leave for some overnight orientation thing.

I feel myself falling ill, an itchy throat, coughing. I'm suddenly craving sore-throat inducing food like currypuffs, Ya Kun Kaya Toast and chocolate. Sigh.
I hate having coughs. My throat is constantly itchy and I keep having to clear it or cough, and that leads to a sore throat or loss of voice. Let's hope it won't be the latter.

Staying at school tonight, they're making us play games throughout. I shall participate actively and continue to make new friends. It kills me to not be able to attend choir today, but I'm sure they'd understand. If I had nothing important on, I wouldn't miss a practice for the world.

I miss you already.

Monday, 12th April 2010

Something in the air was different tonight.

My kiss was too rough, I felt a fear.
I think I should take my time kissing his cheek from now on. I was probably nervous about missing the bus, or reluctant/unhappy about leaving his side again.

I was cranky all through choir practice because I attended it on an empty stomach. I went there after a whole day of orientation- ice-breaking games and tired cheers. My throat hurt with every sound I made. I had to rush to take a shower after orientation, in time to attend choir practice.
I like most of my new classmates, though. I volunteered for a lot of things, so I probably came across as outgoing. The other girls just sat back and waited. Made some new friends, they all seem like hardworking, fun people. I hope they are, for real. I really, really need a fantastic G.P.A. to get a scholarship for medical school.

When I got to choir, D surprised me with Famous Amos! It was so sweet of him, I was almost speechless. I only managed to choke out a 'thank you' and a hug. I saved the cookies for eating them with milk at dinner.
We did some skit thing during practice. Darius got us to come up with a skit in small groups, with songs from our repertoire in them. We did a hilarious skit about a pregnant woman giving birth to a baby. The baby dies, then comes back to life and dances around. I was, you got it, the baby.
We won first place, so we'll get a prize. Don't know what yet.

Random question: What does it mean to be in a relationship?

Sunday, April 11th 2010

Mmmmmm.
I am craving Famous Amos!

The crunchy, buttery little cookies, the burst of chocolate chips, the way the cookie melts in your mouth as you chew on it..

So. I am back from my Freshmen Orientation Camp at school. It's been a tiring few days. I was unprepared, I realised I had camp the night before it was to commence! On the first night, I realised I forgot to bring my toothbrush. I also had no sleeping bag because I couldn't find one at home, but luckily for me, one of my new friends offered to share hers with me. It was too hot to zip up anyway.
I am currently sunburnt. My face is strange, only particular spots got burnt- my nose and cheeks. The rest is still its original colour. I look strange, the colour contrast is too great for comfort. I hope D doesn't laugh at me when he sees.
I've also been eating a lot. At camp, I looked forward to every meal, and I always asked for more and ate quickly. Hmm. It must've taken a lot of energy, because I always felt famished several hours after eating. My new-found friends marvelled at my superior eating skills!

Other things happened at the camp, like how I found this girl cute, she had multiple gorgeous highlights in her hair, a lovely face. Too thin, though. Girls must have some meat on them, you know?
However, she didn't make such an impression on me, I was still daydreaming about D's gorgeous smile. I was also trying to avoid these other girls who kept following us around- to the toilet, to the water-cooler, to sleep. It completely freaked me out when one of them asked for my number. I didn't even know her!
The first time she asked for it, I said "later, later", and then I continued talking to two other girls. Minutes later, she asked for it again, and when I turned around, her phone was right in my face. I gave her my number with two of the numbers switched around. If I declined, she would have gotten my e-mail somehow and tracked me down.
I was describing her to D- Accounts, thick glasses, small eyes, hairy legs. Later, he begged me to stop. :)

There was some frenzy about the family camera. I had kept it in my room since I had not transferred out my photos, and I think my Mom wanted to view her Japan trip photos, which were on the same memory card in the camera. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Dad walking towards me while I was at camp. It was 4 hours till dismissal, we were all seated at the gallery and cheering, I think. Dad had actually tracked me down by asking people. He asked me if I had the camera with me, and where it was, because "Mom wants to see her photos". When I heard that, I almost lost my patience. I told him firmly to go home and wait for me to pass it to him.
I can't believe they couldn't even have waited 4 hours to see some photos! Later, when Dad left and reality started to sink in, I realised how upset I was. Mom made Dad drive all the way from AMK to Tampines just so she could see some photos.
This morning, I slept at 5.30am, so I slept till 12.30pm. Mom tried shouting at me, even calling my phone in a disgustingly desperate attempt to get the camera. It ruined a few hours, but I didn't let it ruin my day.
I don't know who is stupider- My Mom or my Dad.

There was some clubbing at the camp, too. They turned off the lights at the sports complex and played some loud music, and suddenly everybody went crazy. So did I, I'm afraid. We all just started jumping around to the music and dancing, flinging hair, shaking hips. My God, I must've looked idiotic. I am not a dancer. I repeat: I am not a dancer. I don't have smooth moves to show off, I'm just good enough to keep to the beat. It's a musical thing, really.
When it was over, we were all drenched in perspiration, literally dripping. I felt like I had just run a marathon, it was a good workout. Later, I found out that it only lasted for 1/2 an hour. I laughed my head off.

I was glad to sit alone, staring into space during the long bus ride home after the camp. I couldn't wait to get back to comfort- being able to use a toothbrush, being able to take long showers in a clean toilet, being able to wear unattractive but comfortable home clothes to sleep (on a bed!)... Being able to go online, being able to talk to my Love.
We got together two weeks ago, but made it official last night when I was talking to him. He just suddenly asked so formally, but sweetly. Since I was away at camp, I hadn't the chance to see him for 3 days, so you can imagine the surprise when it happened. Yes, these things are important to me.
Human relationships are fraught with all sorts of problems and complications. It's a learning journey, enjoyable and saddening, frightening and upsetting, exciting and disappointing. I am afraid of losing him, but I can't keep thinking about it this way. Have faith, Xiulin.

Orientation begins again tomorrow. I will be meeting people from my course. I only got to meet a year 3 senior from my course at the camp, so it seemed that none of the Biomed Sc freshies went for the overnight camp. I have this fear they'll be all-study-no-play-no-life, like the two girls who kept following us around. They discussed Physics before they went to sleep! I shall die if I end up surrounded, it's like being human in a zombie apocalypse.
I hope they release us at the stipulated time, I want to shower at school before going for choir practice. I shall smell like shampoo.

Wednesday, April 7th 2010

Oh, Happy Day!

Spent the day with D today, we met at Bishan to have ice-cold chicken rice which, I must say, was surprising, in a good way. The rice was a disappointment, but the chicken, wow! I will go back.

Headed to Esplanade Library to work on our music compositions- he, with his orchestra piece, I, with my ciaccona. D, I've discovered, is a very serious composer. He concentrates fully while writing, and while he was doing so, I didn't dare interrupt. I sat, like a good girl, sipping my Chai Tea.
Went to Vivo thereafter to have dinner (Thunder Tea Rice) and watch "Diary of a Wimpy Kid". It was a spontaneous decision to catch a movie, but the movie had really good humour. I found myself laughing at everything! When the movie was over, we found ourselves back at the foodcourt, where we ordered a $9.80 plate of "mixed veg and rice". $9.80!!!

It was still pretty early, so we sat at the MRT station and cam-whored. Well, I did. D either looked like he was asleep, or evil. :) Took some nice shots, though. It was really nice just sitting there, cuddling, talking and singing. He has a lovely smile.

It was 11.59pm when I discovered I have a 3D2N orientation camp the next day. I haven't even printed the forms yet! Man, oh man. No, I can do this! I'll be back on the 10th, it's not too far from now, right?

Right?

Tuesday, 6th April 2010 post 2

Today was a fulfilling one, more or less.

It started with my awaking at noon. I've been sleeping generally well since choir started, it had to be the stress I had to deal with in memorising my songs. Now, it's just the practices, but take into the account my journey to and from school, the pressure from my parents, my social life..

I have got to stop this mood-swing thing. It's happened twice in the past month. I hope it doesn't become a regular thing, I don't want to be known for it - The Girl With Constant Mood-Swings.

Dad has been blaming me for being small-built. I don't know how the hell someone blames another for how tall they are, but he's doing it. It's really, really getting on my nerves. The moment I step out of my room, Dad glares at me. At lunch, he glares more and then, when he gets really into it, he starts shouting about how I'm so short. I am, with much patience, trying to restrain myself from shouting back.

Hmm. Today, I went to meet D at Tea Dot, to drink tea. Yes. Apparently, they have peanut tea! D did mention it not too long ago, so I ordered a small glass. I felt like I was drinking a peanut smoothie. At first, it was kind of weird, but I grew to like it.
I shall go back to try their other teas.

Come tomorrow, I shall be eating really good chicken rice with my Love!

Tuesday, April 6th 2010

"This merrygoround of life twirls around us, too much. This little, whispering-oaks carnival; Let us be hasty to love, and be quick to forgive; Not only loving others, but also ourselves, not only forgiving others, but too ourselves- I love you."

Beautiful, no?
I think I'll add this to the noticeboard above my pillow. :)

I felt really upset with myself last night. My actions came out before I had time to think. While I was brushing my teeth near midnight, I had a flashback: I remember Mrs Jacob telling me that I'm the most intense person she's ever met.

Two years have gone by since I last saw Mrs J. The last time I talked to her, she was saying how tired she felt every day, fatigue out of nowhere. I haven't heard from her since, and I fear she may have died or something. She would be 80 this year.

I opened my Box of Wisdom this morning.
I started it early last year, when I had the sudden urge to buy a wooden box, paint it, and fill it with beautiful thoughts. I wrote them on little pieces of paper, so I could collect them someplace safe. Then, I would open it when I needed wisdom, or when I turn 21, the next big transition in life.
This is a thought I found-
Experience teaches a person, but the real punishment comes when that person realises, in the after-life, all the experiences he missed out on.

Monday, 5th April 2010 post 2

Why the hell did you have to be such an ass, Xiulin?

What is wrong with you?! Your behavior at dinner was appalling, and it is your fault, your fault only.

Promises:
- I will stop being so controlling. Nobody likes a control freak.
- I will think carefully before I speak or act.

What makes or breaks a relationship?
Honesty makes, insecurity breaks. Actually, I think many things make a relationship, but honesty is important. Without honesty, a friendship or relationship is based on lies. Insecurity is a relationship killer. How does anyone avoid it?

Relationships are tough, it is difficult to be a good partner.
Should one close an eye to his harmful pleasures, or should one tell him to avoid them, and thus come off as controlling?

One thing I know for sure, there's never a good reason to act like an ass.

Monday, April 5th 2010

I got the shock of my life this morning.

Not too long ago, I had these little potted plants, planted from seeds. One pot had the herb 'lemonbalm', the other had sunflower shoots. However, after I forgot to water them for a day, they died under the scorching sun, drying up into little shrivelled things. So, I took out the dried-up shoots and left the pots of soil, until I thought of what to plant next.

Today, when I happened to glance at the little pots of soil, there it was- a little green shoot, no taller than my little finger. Baffled as I was, I hurried to water it and put it out on the windowsill to sun.
How could it have grown? I don't remember planting anything in it after the last batch died. Perhaps someone in the family threw in some seeds? This is so symbolic.
Could it be some sort of sign?

Sunday, April 4th 2010

Cara, la dolce fiamma
dell'alma mia tu sei;
e negli affetti miei
costante ognor saro.

-

Ah, come tomorrow, I shall be at choir practice again. My guess is that there will be some kind of screening, of the videos of our concert. Looking forward to it.

Mom and Dad brought many things with them when they came back from Japan yesterday. Apart from food, they also bought me perfume (!) and some useless but cute souvenirs. Don't know why they bought me perfume, perhaps they were clueless about what else to get me. It is a good sign- it means I am growing up, and am unpredictable :)

Added "Just You" to my pop playlist. I used to listen to this song a lot during the angry swearing hate-the-world period. I couldn't relate to the lyrics, but I thought they were beautiful.

It has been a very holy week for religious people. The Chinese had their Ching Ming Jie, the Christians and Catholics had their Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter. I felt a bit left out because I didn't/couldn't take part in any. I'd be happy enough if my family even took Christmas seriously. They just think about the food, nothing else. Lets hope Christmas will be different this year.

Saturday, April 3rd 2010

Oh, my God.

Just the other day, D was telling me about speed-reading through my 6 years of blog posts, so tonight, I clicked on "September 2004" at the sidebar. My heart palpitated audibly as I scanned through the posts. Blood rushed to my face and ears, my eyes widened in horror and amusement.

I cannot even begin to fathom what the heck I was thinking when I typed those posts. Could I, such a straight-forward and sane person, have typed those? While my mind dealt with the embarrassment, a silly grin crept across my face.

I remember promising myself I wouldn't delete or change anything on this blog, so I can look back on it in the future and remark on how much I've grown as a person. Different periods brought different things- there was the gushy-mushy love period, the angry swearing hate-the-world period, the strangely sad pining period, the blur of leadership period, the period of rejection, and finally, here I am, at the period of anticipation.

Xiulin has come a long way, and she will continue to grow as a person, in actions, thoughts, words and wisdom.
Thus the wisdom teeth.

I think the wisdom teeth are extremely appropriate. It is at this age where we gain the most wisdom through experiences. Lets hope they grow out well. :D

Finally met up with Vanessa today, after 2, 3 months. We had lunch at some Imperial Treasure restaurant at Marina Square. Strapped for cash, we ordered minimally, and the bill only came up to about $22. Luckily. After eating, we headed to Kenko for fish therapy, where our feet were sucked and nibbled by hundreds of cute little fish. I went for fish therapy when I was at Phuket, and I loved the experience. This, however, was a bit too short- 10 minutes, barely enough. At least, for 10 minutes, I felt like the most adored person around. :)
We grabbed some Famous Amos no-nut cookies and chomped on them while V went to Rastafari to buy some (overpriced) bracelets. I was a bit disappointed when Secret Recipe didn't have my 'Moist Chocolate Cake' in slices, so I had a craving for chocolatey junk food. I can't believe this, just two days ago, I felt like I was dying from too much chocolate.
A sweet, sinful drowning.

Walked from City Hall to Bugis Street, where we shopped a bit. V bought a couple of dresses and a jumper, I bought a dress and cropped jacket to go with it. Hmm. The zip on the dress is at such a strategic position. Perhaps they did not think to reconsider the design but meh, it's nice like that.

I am still craving for more Famous Amos, and I don't know why. It is 1.30am! Dad and Mom are back from their trip, and I can't understand why they brought back so much junk food, especially when they can be bought here at our local supermarkets... Not that I'm complaining.
Junk food is always welcome. :D

Friday, April 2nd 2010

"Birth" is a really confusing film.

To be honest, I only ever bought it because I think Nicole Kidman is beautiful. The VCD was clearance stock, so I bought it at $6 or so. Um, since it bore the label "M18", I hadn't had the guts to watch it until I got my laptop and could watch it in the privacy of my room.
The ending disappointed me. It seemed like a quick and easy way to end the movie. The film itself was a bit disturbing, I couldn't help finding all the doubt familiar. Every word, every scoff, just because Sean is physically a child. I don't want to remember.

Awoke at 11 this morning in a fluster. I was due to meet Chris at TM at 1pm, so I washed up, got changed and grabbed a yoghurt for breakfast, to eat on the way to the MRT station. After having stood for the entire journey, I made my way to TM, stomach growling, to meet Chris. Kenny met up with us to pass her some Yamaha discount card, and apart from having lunch, we also wasted a lot of time slacking. I was tired, so it got on my nerves a little. Chris and I left Kenny with his friends, and went down to Plaza Singapura to finally get her violin strings. We parted thereafter.

It has been such a boring and unfulfilling day. I can't shake the feeling that I've wasted a perfectly good day, and that I probably will again, tomorrow. Suddenly have this craving for chocolate-dipped strawberries.

All right, no guilt, then, but I'm buying the drinks next time. :)

Thursday, April 1st 2010

A date, eyebags and Kyle XY.

I was brushing my teeth when I noticed them- My eyebags are horrid.
They are more obvious now, probably because I neglected my body by not sleeping at the chalet. Darn. I should learn from the French- they sleep by a certain hour every night and thus do not have eyebags.

Went on our first date today. Hmm. It feels so weird to say that. Actually, I've never said it. I think it went quite well.
We started off with me being a bit late. I didn't want to over-dress, so I just threw on a tank-top, a checked outer shirt, a pair of shorts and my Nikes. He showed up in a yummy black shirt and jeans. Luckily, he waited patiently, and we headed to Esplanade to Max Brenner's. We ordered two "Italian Thick Hot Chocolate"s, dark. Along with that, we were served a small platter of white, milk and dark chocolate pieces. By the time we were done, I felt so ill at the thought of chocolate. It churned round and round our stomachs, so D suggested we go have some tea.
We walked over to the merlion, where we sat at Coffee Bean to drink some "Hot Tea". I was supposed to pay for it, but for some reason, D ended up paying for that, too. Feeling guilty now. We just sat and talked and checked people out, all the while sipping our tea. I noticed that there weren't many hot people walking through that part, though.

After visiting the washroom many times, we headed to Clark Quay, where we just walked around, talking and singing. It was very/too bustling, the night alive with music performances, buskers and drinking people, so we took the MRT down to Toa Payoh where we had dinner at the food court. The strangest thing was that we ended up eating each other's food. I ate his lean-meat-century-egg porridge and he ate my shredded chicken ramen. Tummies full and thirsts quenched, we sat at the Hub where we just talked, before we said goodbye when bus 8 came. Hmm, seems like we talked a lot today.
I like it, how easy it is to talk to him. Usually I hide behind a screen and find it easier to talk to people online or through smses, but with him, it's just so...Comfortable. (Yes, feel honoured.)

I cannot believe he went to watch the entire first season of "Kyle XY". It was surprising, a nice thought. Kyle is only 'gorgeous' in the show. What I like about him is his childlike questioning of things, things that we have unknowingly become accustomed to, eg. time.

My left wisdom teeth (that's right, TWO teeth) are growing out simultaneously, and it's feeling a bit sensitive. I hope and pray they'll grow out nicely, I can't imagine living with crooked teeth or going for an operation to get them out. My right wisdom teeth have grown out pretty nicely, so if these follow suit, there would be no problem.

Wednesday, 31st March 2010

Hmmm.

A lot happened at the chalet.
Some people broke in through the back door and stole some money and an iPod Touch. Then, for whatever reason, they mixed up our valuables and placed them in different bags or, in my case, different compartments. I panicked at first, when my phone was gone from my bag's main compartment, but then I found it later in the front. Along with that, I found my conductor's camera.

The police were involved, too. Apparently, the people broke in during our walk. The air smelt of fear for a few hours. Everybody was either silent or discussing the break-in in whispered tones. I sat quietly, thinking about the whole thing; Were they desperate for money? Why didn't they take the big notes and other valuables? Did it give them sick pleasure to misplace our valuables, just to give us a jolt of fear, or did they do it unintentionally?

Life is so unpredictable.
Daylight found us hand in hand, a tired smile upon his face. It was the most surreal picture. It's something I'm still trying to comprehend.

Tuesday, March 30th 2010

A whisper beneath the full moon
Resounding softly in the wind.
Hands entwined, glances shy
Breathe the air of possibility.

A playful swat, a nuzzling nose
Comforting, and yet, divine.
Daylight found a scrumptious smile,
Fatigued but reassuring.

Sunday, 28th March 2010

My dependence on the internet is unbelievable.

I felt like I was going to die of boredom when the internet wasn't up for the whole of yesterday. Luckily, I had other activities that I did to occupy my time. Firstly, I finally got my haircut! It feels lighter, but also looks a bit boyish. Hmmm. Well, it'll grow back. When I got home I realised that the butterflies don't look right with my current hairstyle, but luckily, the zebra looks fine.

Secondly, I dyed my hair! The instructions did say I had to do the 48-hour allergy test, but I was already impatient, so I took the risk. I left it in for about 45-50 minutes, and though it didn't turned out as red as I expected, it doesn't look bad at all.
Pity, though. Having red hair would've been fun :D

My parents have left for Japan. There was some drama about Dad losing his wallet, me getting blamed, and some Chinese people finding it at a rubbish dump downstairs, but it's over now. I'm just glad it didn't stop them from leaving for their holiday. It's been so suffocating these past year or so with Dad always around and Mom going through the same work-TV routine.

Excited about the chalet. It does feel empty that several people won't be there. I miss Linyu already, but I guess we've all got to move on when it's time. One day, I'll be the one to leave the choir, too.
It's been 3 years since my last chalet. What does one bring to it? I'll have to go buy the breadspread- tuna, Nutella, peanut butter.. I'm still considering jam. Must...not...forget...

I wonder what people will say about my haircut?

Friday, 26th March 2010

Had our concert today- it went quite well. Minimal screw-ups and mostly in-tune. Super D's singing went well, too, so all was good. I really enjoyed the concert, even the super-cheesy songs and actions. We had a good mix of everything, from sacred music to broadway and pop. Oh no, my sentences and thoughts are detached again tonight, must be the fatigue.

After the concert, Kat, Gerv and Joy came to me and we took photos and they gave me flowers. Sweet but useless gift, they always rot to death within 2-3 days. Thanks, though, I've always liked receiving flowers, however useless they may be :)
We had a de-brief and some angel-mortal review which I didn't take part in because I don't have one. I've only been in the choir for 3 weeks. Felt a bit left-out, but it's all right, I'll be part of it soon. Went out to dinner with the choir and Darius, although half the people completely disappeared after the concert. Eventually ended up eating take-away Macs at East Coast beach. It was enjoyable, though the day's activities had already drained me of my vitality. I was a bit quiet, I think.

Everyone looked so different in full concert dress and make-up. They put a lot of effort into it, the girls spent hours in front of the mirror, applying a hundred types of glitter to their already-blinding eyelids. They, needless to say, turned out beautiful. The guys surprised me even more, wax in their hair and everything. Hmmm.

Dad said something really mean to me tonight, but I refuse to spoil my evening and mood by typing about it. Time to just ignore, age may be causing it.
Mom and Dad are leaving for Japan this Sunday (winks!) for a week for a holiday (grins!). Heh, I guess I won't have to tell them about the chalet on Monday, then. It would be/is good for everyone when they go on a short holiday. They get to enjoy themselves and let go a bit, I... Okay. I also get to enjoy myself and let go, but not just a bit :D

Gerv told me to go ahead first since I'm dying to dye my hair. Wow, dying to dye. And yes, I shall. I shall go for my long awaited haircut tomorrow and then buy the dye on my way home. I could dye it on Sunday, when my parents leave for Japan.
Heh. The things teenagers do when their parents are out of town :D

Super D- your hair looks nicer with wax but feels nicer without. Dilemma, dilemma :D

Thursday, 25th March 2010

Fate is against me today.

I set out this morning, determined to get a haircut. It's been 3 months since my last. I think it would be wise to get a haircut before I dye my hair.
However, after I passed Joy her tickets (and had a slightly awkward conversation with her mom), I took the MRT down to Far East Plaza, only to discover that "Supercuts" is undergoing renovation, today and tomorrow.
I guess there won't be a haircut before my performance tomorrow, then. I'll just have to hop around on stage with my fringe poking my eyes. Tolerate it till Saturday, Xiulin, it won't be long now.

Man is a fascinating creation.
We teach, we learn, we discover. The question is, what do we teach, learn and discover?
People are such social creatures, it still amazes me when they make plans, strike up conversations, laugh at each other's jokes.

What are the chances of a relationship ending well, or not ending at all? True, people are usually happy when they're in a relationship, but was/is it worth it when the relationship comes to an end? Should one shy away from human relationships, or embrace them?

I realised, to my horror, that I'd been contradicting myself all along. The belief is that it's always better to go with passion rather than job. Naz told me several days ago about being offered an awesome job, but also getting into the final round of interviews for enrolment at a cooking academy. She loves cooking, it's her passion. However, the job is really awesome. Can't tell you though, it's a secret! Shhhh.
Anyway, she was in a dilemma over what to choose. I told her firmly, over sms, that she should go with passion. My exact words were "You ultimately won't regret going with passion, given the choice".
I feel like such a hypocrite. I give advice but I don't follow it. I guess I do have passion for both music and biology, but more so for music. I hoped to sing with Philippe Jaroussky one day, but as I got older, it became clear to me that professional singers study music. They enter conservatories, music schools.
I, on the other hand, am going to study Science. That is the difference. I can't have both, yet I don't have the guts to go with my passion.
I love music too much to see it die in me.

Wednesday, 24th March 2010

Should I pretend not to notice?
-

Every time I look at this photo, I can't help but wonder if they are having a conversation. I can hear the mother telling her kids, "Children, don't walk too far out on the road! Mehhhhhh!"

Ah, Thursday, Thursday.
Meeting Joy to pass her concert tickets tomorrow. I'm so glad she's going to watch me even though I just asked her yesterday or so (I can't remember, these few days have been a blur). There's been rehearsal every night, seeing the same people, singing the same songs, having the same dinner... Not that I'm complaining. I enjoy every minute, or almost.

Finally decided to give in to the temptation of dying my hair. Shall do it after I get a haircut next week, my hair is growing unkempt. How did I manage dreadlocks, you wonder? Well, one does get more conscious of their looks with an uncommon hairstyle. It takes experience to master.
Gervin and I were sitting at lunch today discussing the dyeing of our hair. She wants a redder shade, while I, a little more brown. Vin told me it would start off red and then slowly turn brown, so I guess I'll be going with the "cassis berry". We'll be doing each other's hair. She has nothing to fear- for who better to dye her hair than an appearance-conscious artist?
I, however, may have something to fear...

Tuesday, 23rd March 2010 post 2

Doesn't the moon look absolutely ravishing tonight?

An enchanting existence, a true beauty in all its splendor.
I practically waltzed up the pathway to my block. Okay, I'm lying. I haven't the least idea how to waltz, but my feet carried me effortlessly, even though they have worked hard today. Bless them, they always suffer the most.

We had an enjoyable rehearsal today, although I am literally mortified with the discipline. Not to say that it isn't getting better with each passing day, it's just that the concert is this Friday, man! How could this be?!

However, I am pretty much looking forward to it. It will be my first concert in a mixed choir with some experienced singers. Once in a while we go out of tune, but we generally have fun during choir. I hope I don't forget to lead the bow after "Kimi wo nosete".

Don't worry about the solo, let it come naturally. Enjoy it and don't give up. :)

Tuesday, 23rd March 2010

I held a cigarette in my hand for the first time last night.

I never had the chance to come up-close and personal with one before that, since I turned 18 just last year and didn't know anyone who smoked. As I took it out of the packet, a strong peppermint smell hit me, much like the smell of those little green triangular sweets called "Milton".
It was very light, a bit like holding rolled-up cardboard. I observed, with great interest, each end of the cigarette. At one end, there's this spongy thing which I learned is a filter of some sort, and the other end is stuffed with what resembled finely-chopped hay. I guess that part comprises the 3000 toxins in a cigarette.
Nothing great about it, though. It looked like a stick of rolled-up paper. One could have mistaken it for a tortillon if it weren't for the band around it. Holding a cigarette is one thing, but smoking it is another entirely. As for the latter, not a chance in hell.
Or maybe, if I live past my 80th birthday.

Another thing I noticed during my quiet moments- guys like to inhale their food. It's hard to explain, it's like they inhale to get the food into their mouth faster. I shouldn't generalise. Let's make it some guys inhale their food. Not saying that it's a bad thing, it's just something I've noticed at the table. Maybe that's how they eat so quickly.

I'd better stick to drinking milk.

Monday, 22nd March 2010

Mmmmm... :)

Feeling much better tonight, after drinking my medium carton of milk at dinner. I'd been craving it all day since spending the afternoon watching "Kyle XY". That show is really growing on me. The questions he asks are the kind I ask myself, so I can relate well.

I think it's a childhood comfort thing. I was in a really bad mood that I couldn't shake, and I had the desire to go back to my childhood when I didn't have to deal with so much crap, so it was only natural for me to crave milk. It was very comforting, sipping, just sipping from my carton at dinner while most of the others ate.

The great thing about charismatic people are that they don't hesitate in making other people feel better. I got a hug out of nowhere when I was looking miserable at practice today, and people kept telling me to cheer up. Easier said than done, but thank you, I have now.

Monday, 22nd March 2010

My bad mood isn't going away, even after a good night's sleep.
Dreamt I was trying to buy stuff from some deserted shops. It seemed like the perfect scene for a zombie film, but luckily, there were no zombies, just some old people.

I think I'll wear black today.

Sunday, 21st March 2010

Can't open my hotmail- this is adding to my already-brimming level of frustration.

I don't know why I'm in such a bad mood tonight. Just feel so exhausted with everything- life in general. Either that, or it's the time of the month. Hormones taking over.

Went to watch "Nodame Cantabile" with a small bunch of choir people tonight, the music was good but the ending sucked. When it was over I felt I'd wasted money and time, but hey, it's the company that matters, right?
After that, we had dinner at Pizza Hut, ordered the mushroom pasta, D ate, or rather, I forced D to eat half my share. I could feel all the vitality draining from me at dinner, but tried to keep smiling. We walked over to Esplanade to hang out by the river, and on the way there I was told that I shouldn't mention names on my blog.
I was already in a bad mood- after I heard it, I wanted to die on the spot- from what, I don't quite know. Anger? Embarrassment? Guilt?
I didn't protest, though. I thought a lot about it tonight as the group went from place to place, and finally reasoned with myself- he's right. I shouldn't mention names, I'd never know who reads my blog. It's not to say I hadn't thought of it before, it did feel a little weird when I did mention names, so now I just have to omit them. Well, for the bad things.

Thanks to D for being so straight-forward in saying so. He's a good friend to have.

I feel that the impression people have of me is slowly changing from "cute" to "weird" or worse, "troubled". Nope, I am not troubled, just frustrated. Recently, I have found myself wishing that I didn't have feelings- love, anxiety, hate, crushes, feeling creeped-out, even happiness, knowing that it does not stay that way for long. When you're at the peak of a mountain, you always have to go down again.
Feelings are just so damn complicated. What's more, apart from my own feelings, I still have to worry about other people's feelings, be it for me or against. Why? I can't explain it, I have run out of steam for the night.
Maybe I just need a good night's sleep.

Friday, 19th March 2010

After about 3 hours in my room, Dad hammered on my door and shouted, "what are you doing staying inside your room for so long?".

I jumped out of my skin. Is he going mad? What sane person would suddenly start shouting for no reason? Why would I, a sane person, leave the sanctuary of my room only to get yelled at? Sometimes I think age is getting to him, he is turning 65 soon after all. I can't help but feel frustrated about having to put up with these; people digging through my things, stealing my phone and blowing up situations, people not giving me space, people who have neither manners nor basic courtesy. Apart from DNA, I am relieved to say that I don't have anything else in common with my family.

Was watching the first half of "Palindromes". Couldn't concentrate very well because disturbing images from yesterday's choir practice kept flashing in my mind. I just can't get them out of my head! Wish I could just "delete" them from memory, like junk e-mail.

I have concluded that I feel a bit angry with myself about the fight. Found out later that it was our question that sparked it off, but firstly, one of them was being insensitive, and the other could have taken the comment as a joke. Am upset about the insensitivity, though. That could explain my dreaming about killing ______.
Ugh, this isn't even my problem. Why am I so bothered by it?!

Thursday,18th March 2010

Why doesn't Dad realise that it is so incredibly revolting to suck his 5 year old dentures?!

Every time he finishes eating, he gets out a toothpick and starts picking his "teeth" and sucking at them, and then swallowing the pieces of food picked out, to my utter disgust. He occasionally brushes his teeth but his brushing skills suck. He just scrubs the dentures with his pitifully dilapidated toothbrush back-and-forth a couple of strokes, and then drops it back into the plastic cup with brown dirt stains on the inside. No wonder I can't even bear to drink out of the same straw as him.
I keep telling him that sucking his dentures is a disgusting habit. Since he doesn't floss, there could be food remnants in there from 5 years ago, and he's just swallowing them! YUCK.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to change someone. Why do I try so hard, time and again, when I know they won't change? Are they the stupid ones, or am I?


Had a nightmare last night, it was very disturbing. It was so vivid, I even distinctly remember crying hard in my sleep.
I dreamt that someone of authority thought it would be amusing to lock a couple of us choir people up in a small room for 2 hours, just to see what happens. In the dream, I happened to be claustrophobic or something, because halfway through I went crazy. I found I couldn't control myself or my actions, my body suddenly felt the monstrous urge to kill somebody. They put me in that room several times with different people just to see what I would do to them. Later, they added household objects which I would choose as my weapons. The last time, I chose a staple gun, shooting staples at anyone I could. I remember ______ being one of those people, but he was wearing a soft-metal vest. It was puzzling, because the metal was so soft, it was like aluminium foil. I tried to kill him with my staple gun but they bounced off the vest, so I tried to aim at his arms instead.
I didn't kill anyone, mind you. Some people just got staples in them. Still, I can't help but wonder if I really am putting myself under too much pressure, what with the scores to memorise and stuff. Either that, or it had something to do with the fight I witnessed last night.
Can't stop thinking about it.

Wednesday, 17th March 2010 post 2

Searched "fight" on Google Images and came across this hilarious photo, but that's beside the point. Let me start at the beginning.

We had a pretty good rehearsal tonight, did warm-ups before Darius came in, so we wasted no time. We even managed to run through "Kimi wo nosete" before he came, and I felt so damned embarrassed because I didn't know how to sing some parts, and people had to help me. Thanks, guys. I managed to more-or-less pick it up after a few times. David is singing the solo for "Life" after all. Also, got a lot of actions to learn for "I say a little prayer". Other than problems I had, the choir actually sounded pretty good. Partial credit goes to the good acoustics of the Alumni Lounge. I didn't have the privilege of practising in a "good room" (acoustic-wise) in my last choir, so this is a really nice change.
I'm going to strangle myself if I can't memorise all my pieces by Friday. Going to drill tomorrow at sectionals.

So! After practice, Darius chased us out of the room to dinner because it was after 9.30pm, late. We headed to our usual zhi cha place, and I was chatting to Qiu Jin about our past choirs and conductors, some guys from choir were walking just behind us. I don't even remember what happened, suddenly an argument broke out and they started fighting. It was both fascinating and puzzling. When I mean fighting, I mean the physical kind.
What I'm wondering is if this is normal among guys. I just don't get it, why do they engage in fights so quickly and so often? Girls rarely engage in physical fights, they just fling insults and bitch and spread rumours. That, I also don't quite get.

I think it upset the two guys, because one completely disappeared so suddenly, the other was reluctant to join us for dinner but we eventually persuaded him. Luckily. I'm really bad at solving petty problems, but maybe they can solve it themselves. Boys will be boys.

Sectionals tomorrow evening, but not before Dewi and I go buy our choir costumes together. I hope it really is $10, I am poor this week. Looking forward to the movie with choir people on Sunday. I can't help feeling my sentences tonight have no flow. Was slightly distracted at choir today, too. Can feel my heavy eyelids threatening to shut. Maybe tonight I'll dream about being able to fly again.

Wednesday, 17th March 2010

I had another one of those 'flying dreams' last night.

It always starts out the same- I'm running from something or someone, running up flights of stairs, looking for a way out, but all there are are parapets. Beyond that is a drop of about 20 storeys. Cornered with nowhere to run, I take a leap from the parapets in a last desperate attempt to escape. First, I fall for about 19 storeys, then I stop before I hit the ground. In my sleep, I vaguely notice myself holding my breath during these moments.
Then, realising I can fly, I start trying different things, learning exactly how to control it. And then I zoom upwards as high as I can go, all the while laughing hysterically, and then I let myself drop head-first to the ground, knowing I can stop before I'm there.
Last night's only unusual twist was that the whole street leading to my voice teacher's house was flooded, and there were chickens floating and stuff (like in Monkey Island 3), and I was late for my lesson but couldn't get there. It never once occurred to me to fly there! Also, in my dream, my brother was out to get me and I was flying from place to place to escape him.
The feeling of flying is always wonderfully real. I've been having many of these 'flying dreams' recently, I wonder if it could be trying to tell me something...?

Tuesday, 16th March 2010

I think Weijun knows. OH NO! (P.S.- Weijun, keep quiet!!!)

My day started to the incredibly annoying and disturbing sound of my sister's handphone alarm. To be honest, I don't even remember what it sounds like, but I recognise it every morning. It's bad enough that I even share a room with her, but there's more. To my utter dismay, she sets her alarm at around 7.30am every morning and, since she sleeps on the top bunk, lets it ring for another half-an-hour before eventually climbing out of bed. Tuh.

I had to get up anyway, because I was due to meet Kat and Gerv at Toa Payoh at 9.30am. Initially, the time was set at 9am, but Kat complained about it being too early. After we met up, we sleepily had our breakfast at Mac's, and then took a bus all the way to East Coast Park, where we taught Kat to cycle from scratch! Big milestone, she's been wanting to learn for a very long time. It took about one and a half frustrating hours to teach her, but she managed it in the end. Voila!
Had to rush off after lunch with those two, was really worried about choir practice and having to memorise everything. I can't believe the concert is next week! I'm honoured that they want me to sing in it but, seriously speaking, this is really stressful. They've sung these songs for a really long time and here I am, having had 4 practices so far, and expected to memorise everything. My goodness. At least if I go mad, I'd be oblivious to that fact.

Good practice, though. Sunny came to see us and help us with stage-presence issues. Was a little worried that he thought we were really bad or something, but it turned out well. I'm beat from all the cycling, jogging, running and walking I've done today. After choir we all went out to dinner as usual. Like I've said before, it's really nice when this happens.There's so much unity in the group, you know?
Also, dinner is the most fun part. ;)

Monday, 15th March 2010

It feels unreal, but I'm typing this on my new laptop!

Bought my first-ever laptop at the IT Fair yesterday which, fortunately, also was the last day. It's a Fujitsu SH560, I think. It turned out that the cheaper version of this laptop had run out of colour options so I got this one with some i5 thingy. I'm psyched about it having a fingerprint-security feature. I've got to find a way to set them both so the person logging in would have to enter a password and scan a thumb. It's never safe in this house.

Meanwhile, I can't wait to do all sorts of things on my new toy. I can't quite put my finger on it, but this feels really surreal. I can't yet bring myself to believe that this is actually mine. I shall install many cool programs on it. Right now I'm looking forward to stuff like "Finale", "Sibelius", "Photoshop", and of course, games. "Monkey Island" is at the top of my list.

While my computer is doing all this, I shall have to sit myself down to memorise my music. I can't believe that out of 19 songs, I have only memorised two!!! I can't go into choir without having memorised them all.
On a lighter note, I have started writing my Ciaccona for a bass, 2 violins and a voice. I can't hear it all together on paper, so I can't wait to put it into a music notation program, hence the "Finale" and "Sibelius".

Saturday, March 13th 2010

FREEDOM!!!

I'm finally done with my theory paper! It was like a black cloud hovering over me during the past few months, blocking out the cheery sun then, "poof!" It's gone! I don't even feel like typing about it anymore. It suddenly seems like a waste of effort trying to type about it. It's over, that's it. All that's left is to pass it.

Picked up a couple of clothes (sorry, articles of clothing) at Bugis Street after my paper. Been going through my wardrobe for poly and I realised I have a really lame wardrobe. I'm young, man! I'll wait till I'm 40 to wear shades of grey. Been mixing-and-matching for choir practice and it's getting a little difficult to find new combinations. It's only been 3 practices!
Mind you, I rarely buy clothes. I barely even shop! Mom was telling me about how I never seem to buy clothes, even for the "new year", save for the once-in-a-while exception. I can't carry off a lot because I'm not one of those tall, skinny girls with long hair. Thank goodness. Everyone looks tall, skinny with long hair nowadays.

Good news- I may just be getting my first-ever laptop tomorrow! It would be nice to have a computer to call my own. Dad opens so many e-mails without considering the possibility of viruses that our computer is bogged down with all sorts of things. A pity it won't have fingerprint-recognition technology, I really want that. It would cost at least a thousand bucks more, so I have no choice but to settle for password-protected.

Better think up a good one, it's less safe at home than it is outside.

Wednesday, March 10th 2010

Well, I learnt a lot yesterday.

Yesterday, Darius formally introduced me to the choir and asked me questions, in front of everyone, like "What do you hope to achieve in this choir?" and "What do you want to see in this choir?". I wanted to say I hope it would go in for competitions but it seems really unlikely. This is clearly not a competition choir. It's more relaxed, more fun. People actually enjoy the practices, and I can see it on their faces when they sing. It's just so different from what I used to know.
I also commented on the discipline level. I was worried about sounding stuck-up or something, since I was the new kid after all, but I hope they didn't take it the wrong way. Sometimes when I look at Darius I can tell he's struggling with the discipline, people strolling in an hour late without bothering to apologise or explain. The good kids generally are just that: good. It's also really nice how we all go out in a big group to have dinner afterwards, which is easy seeing as everyone is pretty friendly to one another.
Yesterday, I also played 'Pool' for the first time.
Whoever named it that must've had a very good reason. Who would've thought 'Pool' could be so damn difficult?! Struggled like heck with the stupid stick, but thanks to David and Javier, I guess I managed to hit something every once in a while. However, it's no lie when I say that my 'Pool' skills still suck.
Couldn't finish my dinner again. Why is it everyone eats so quickly?! What are they rushing for? I'm chewing at normal speed, what!
Tsk. Better just order a drink next time.

Tuesday, March 9th 2010

Isn't she cute?
That's Ruby, our fat little pug at the house in Malaysia. From the top, she looks exactly like a pig, with a curly little tail to match.

Well, well, well!
I had my first practice with my new choir yesterday. I have to admit, I was terrified at first. It's been so long since I've been taken out of my isolated life and forced to meet so many people. Out of 30-odd people, I only remember a few names. Bad, Xiulin, bad! I guess I'll have to find ways to talk to them without having to call them by name, then.
The choir itself surprised me. Though the discipline level isn't high, the kids are really passionate about doing this. Choir for them is like a time to relax, they just let go. It was amazing being a part of it. The songs are relatively simple compared to the ones we used to sing, but there's a certain unity within the choir that keeps it all together.
There was something very therapeutic about singing at night in a dimly-lit attic-room, the high ceiling providing acoustics. It was so calm compared to the harsh white lights and countless full-length mirrors at the Performing Arts Room where my last choir practiced.
It was still kind of awkward, though, but luckily I had to ask for directions to the one-stop-centre and a bunch of choir people accompanied me there and eventually asked me to join them for dinner. The opportunity presented itself, I took it. It seemed like an opportunity to get to know more people better, and, surprise, surprise, it was.

Sunday, March 7th 2010

I spent an hour scrutinising the video of Thomas Hampson singing "Largo al Factotum", which I posted in my last post. Watched it on Youtube because it's bigger there, and I noticed something.
Between timings 4.28-4.48, he has on his face some very beautiful expressions. I think it's the work of his eyes. The most beautiful one is at 4.37 when his expression softens, it's like he's making love to the music.
Simply exquisite.

Saturday, March 6th 2010

This video of Thomas Hampson singing "Largo al Factotum" is by far the funniest I've seen. The person who did the lyrics is hilarious! I did like it, however, because Thomas Hampson is really expressive in his interpretation. It took me a while to find a good version, but alas, I still couldn't find one without the talking and clapping at the beginning. This guy has stamina, man. A lot of other baritones just couldn't make it.

Uploaded a new playlist on my blog. Do ignore the talking and clapping before the first song, it annoys me, too. Couldn't think of many songs off the top of my head, so just put in those few for now.

Anyway, things have been a little weird lately. V's being quite anti-social towards me. She returns my messages with dead replies, though I try my best to sound upbeat. I can't recall if she's always been like this and I'm just being paranoid, or if I'm getting boring or something.
It is a little upsetting, I wonder if this is what people mean by "drifting apart", but too many things on my mind now, so I'm trying to block it out. My theory exam is in a week, and I've just been asked to join my new choir for practices every Mon and Tues evening, and maybe even sing at the concert on 26th March. Plus, Gervin wants to look for a job with me after my theory exam, and Dad's scolding me about not studying Chemistry. School hasn't even started yet!

My God, how I wish I could just hop on a plane to Venice or Lake Annecy without feeling any guilt and escape from all these things and people. Dare I?
No, I don't.

Thursday, March 4th 2010

LOVE this episode of "Tom and Jerry".
It brings back so many lovely memories.

Spent yesterday with Kat, went to Spotlight, Esplanade library, Max Brenner's and Bugis Street. She had to buy some ribbon and lace for her new top, and I ended up buying 2m of white ribbon for my dress, too. Spent about 3-4 hours at Esplanade library where we studied for our respective exams, and left for Max Brenner's after I borrowed a Merula CD and the DVD of the opera "Il Barbiere di Siviglia", with Hermann Prey as Figaro.

Max Brenner's hot chocolates almost killed us. I ordered the "Italian thick hot chocolate (dark)" and Kat ordered "hot milk chocolate with melting marshmallows". Mine was called "thick" for a reason. I felt like I was literally drinking melted chocolate! I felt like I was in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

We went to Bugis St so I could buy another dress. I suddenly have this urge to wear them, ever since I bought a couple several days ago and discovered that I actually look good in them. Sorry, sounding egoistic isn't my intention. It's just that I never really wore dresses and it took me more than 18 years to discover them. I love the casual-looking ones now, bought a star-printed one yesterday for $10. It looks great with the white ribbon I bought, so I'll probably wear them together, on the first day of school.

Watched "Il Barbiere di Siviglia" last night and sat, in a state of enchantment, in front of the television for more than 2 hours. It was just so fascinating listening to beautiful compositions and watch them being sung and played in a pseudo-town environment. Rossini really knew how to compose an opera. His melodies are beautiful, but only one or two are memorable, namely "Largo al Factotum". That's also the song in the video above.
My favourite part starts when Jerry licks the lemon, but in the opera, it's the really fast part nearing the end. How does one even manage that, with diction so clear and notes so accurate, not to mention the amount of stamina needed?

On an unrelated topic, I like Chinese as a language. It's a very beautiful, delicate language, and it's lovely to hear Chinese people speak. When I say Chinese, I mean people from mainland China with a thick accent. They have a lot of "round" words. It's like music to listen to. The written language is also beautiful, with its strong but fragile strokes. I was just never good at the language, but I love it. The Chinese have a lovely culture, simple but beautiful architecture (think Lijiang) and good food. It's very close to my heart.

Dad is ill again, only it's kind of scary because he's been coughing badly for a week now. It started with a bad sore throat and eventually developed into a bad cough. I think it's putting a lot of pressure on his blood vessels, because his eyeballs were bleeding a little at lunch-time. He's also been sleeping a lot after taking medicine which, by the way, were not prescribed to him. He's far too cheapskate to want to see the doctor, so he just gets some recent left-over medicine from the cupboard, prescribed to whoever last fell ill with the same sickness, and takes it.
I guess I'm a little worried, but he is pretty old. He's turning 64 this year, and with old age also comes sickness, for most people. Also, like I always say, if it's time to die, it's time to die. As much as I love Dad and all that, I'd be willing to let him go if he has to.

Tuesday, March 2nd 2010

Nostalgia!

I stumbled upon these episodes of Tom and Jerry and I want to share them.
I used to watch a hell lot of Tom and Jerry, and am trying to get back to watching them again. They taught me so much when I was young, I owe most of my childhood to it. These are two of my favourite episodes, there are several more but I will post them in good time.

The first is called "Johann Mouse", where Tom learns to play "The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss. My favourite part is when Tom picks up this manual "How to play the waltz in six easy lessons by Johann Strauss", rushes to the attic to learn it. The manual teaches the player to play the first 8 notes of the piece, in six lessons. Tom goes through all six at one shot, and, after learning to play the first 8 notes, flings the manual aside and starts to play the whole thing. He suddenly becomes a fantastic pianist. It's simply hilarious!
The second is called "Cat and Dupli-Cat", in which Tom and Jerry sing "Santa Lucia". Notice how Tom's singing is breathtaking and how Jerry's screechy version contrasts with it. I love the artwork and the humour, how they stretch out their hands when they're holding the long note, how they're sailing in a bucket and a teacup.