Thursday, December 31st 2009

Images of Lune keep flashing behind my eyelids when I'm about to fall asleep. I can't get his handsome blue face out of my mind. His sad, piercing green eyes keep staring at me, his golden hair flowing, like a crown around his head. I feel like the character in my own story, the poor artist.

I felt I had to do another drawing of him, because I couldn't continue writing. My mind goes blank whenever I try to continue the story, I don't know how their first meeting goes. I need to know how they react, what they say to each other. I need to know, to be there in that dream. Lune may be trapped in the painting in the day, but at night he becomes very much alive.

Saturday, December 26th 2009

I feel so desperate for the new Philippe Jaroussky CD. In need of some chill-out time with the sound of lovely, intoxicating music and a bit of wine.

The moment I came back from Phuket, everything came rushing back. All the pressure, the people, the expensive lifestyle, eating at restaurants, stupidly paying for exorbitantly-priced dishes. Sabby's $42 hairband keeps tormenting me, I feel so damn guilty for going along with this ridiculously expensive lifestyle when so many kids can't even afford to buy a pair of shoes or go to school.
I've noticed, however, that I'm more aware of it now. Whenever I think I "need" something, I change it to "want" instead because honestly, many things I have, I don't "need". Basic necessities include food, water, shelter, bed, toiletries. I'll add basic art and writing materials, but that's it. I still can't help feeling guilty, it haunts me in my sleep. I find myself still awake at unearthly hours, tossing, turning.. Sometimes I ask myself what I did to deserve being so lucky.

I placed the order for "La Dolce Fiamma" at the start of last month, I think, and it still hasn't arrived. The French really have it good, it was released there on the 2nd of Nov. I can't wait for the sound of it blasting from my speakers, washing over me, filling the room, the time during which I just flop on to my bed and close my eyes.

His voice has a certain beauty to it, his graceful notes, his liquidity in his runs and scale-passages, the brightness of his voice, sharp yet comforting.
You wouldn't believe how his voice has soothed me throughout the entire year. It was as if his singing made everything easier, more enjoyable. His voice is like the pair of lips that kiss my wounds, the reassuring sound smoothing out my frowning facial muscles.
His patience and thoughts show through his singing, it's like looking through a window and seeing him practising to achieve perfection.

PJ is a great example of a man.

Friday, December 25th 2009

"Lets get together and feel all right"

Nothing like a little bit of Bob Marley to help me get into the Christmas spirit! I spent last night listening to old songs and watching some Elvis Presley on DVD.

For me, Christmas is always one of the most depressing days of the year. Sure, there's the joy of Jesus and all that, but my family would never acknowledge that. They are just.... like that. There's no tree, no marzipan, no cookies, no traditional dinner. Still rude as ever, as always. Well, at least I can take comfort in my independent thought. I went to Midnight Mass last year and my brother kicked up merry hell and told on me to my parents, who say I "lied" about something, I'm not even sure what, but it had something to do with going to church. Strange, I never made any promise or said that I wouldn't go to church. Have long given up on trying to reason with these people.
Anyway, I found I didn't really like going to mass at church. It's too much of blind-following, I'm pretty sure even God wants his followers to have their own brains. The bible was written by people, and from my experience, people tend to make up their own rules, in society and in culture. People are troublesome. I find it much nicer to spent time with God outside church, and granted, I'm a Freethinker, but I think the best way of religion is just to have brains, and love everyone, anyone, anything, and be open to new things and ideas. Accept the world as a gift.

With that said, I have to admit I feel much better. These people can't spoil my Christmas if I don't let them get to me. Christmas will be any way I want it to be.

Oh yes, that reminds me. I haven't gotten my yearly candycane yet!

Thursday, December 24th 2009

Hey guys!

Finally decided to change my blog template, after 5 long years. Picked a simple, classic, clean-looking one, as opposed to the excessively pink one I picked when I first started this blog. Not into those fancy moving clocks that annoyingly follow your cursor, but I made sure to add my new Mixpod playlist of Bob Marley music. Overall, simple, clean and beautiful.
Bellisimo!

Wednesday, 23rd December 2009

I've been hanging out with way too many girly people recently.

On Sunday, The Lunchpeople (Gerv, Kat, Sijia and I) had a last-minute lunch at TPY Pizza Hut, our usual hangout back when we were still in school. It's always good to hang out with them, there's a lot of laughter, all the trouble from everyday life just vanishes. Plus, it's all clean, good fun, we took many photos.
It's strange. I see everyone around me growing up but myself. Sijia is the same as ever, too busy for anything, your typical super over-achiever. Gerv is attached, Kat highlighted her hair, and me? I guess I did get dreads twice and pierced my ear twice, but that's it. It doesn't say anything about growing up. It feels like I'm shrinking instead, getting younger. What innocence from my childhood will never come back, but the most blissful people in the world are children.

On Monday, I met up with Sabby for a day out. We went ice-skating first. Sab is a total pro on the ice, not to mention she's one of those thin, lean and fabulous people. I felt so small skating beside her. There was this little kid who hung on to her every word, but luckily we didn't have to go the whole day with her.
Later, we went for lunch, then took a bus to Orchard, where she bought her Doc Martens and I bought my perfume and another Bob Marley album, we had ice-cream, then went to Cineleisure to take neoprints. I hadn't done it in years and it felt really good to revisit those times. We had dinner at Pastamania where Sab almost died from too much cheese, then we went to Takashimaya where Sab paid $42 for a flimsy, plastic hairband with a plastic dog on it. OKAY.
We went back to Bishan to catch a movie, "Avatar". We actually bought the wrong timing tickets first, so when we went back to change it, they were only left with two seats in the first row. Damn! We took them, what the hell, I'll do everything at least once. We went home with neckaches, but the movie was good. Storyline was average, but everything else was pretty good. I prefer the blue people to the normal ones.

Anyway, I've uploaded a photo of me taken in Phuket. It was the "elephant massage" where the elephant just steps on your butt while he kisses you. Click on it and you'll be able to see my facial expression. I had to wipe my hair down afterwards. Lovely experience, though. Still missing my mr. whatshisname. I can't believe I don't know his name! I could kill myself.
Still feeling depressed about being back in Singapore. I look around and all I see is concrete. I have this strong urge to run away to some mountain far away from here and live there in isolation.
One day, I shall do just that.

Saturday, December 19th 2009

PHUKET TRIP

Day 1.

Arrived at Phuket, walked around town on foot. Didn't really do much on the first day except that I went for 20 minutes of fish therapy. It's incredibly therapeutic. Plus, I couldn't stop laughing. It was so ticklish, my most intimate "massage" and exfoliation ever- hundreds of cute little fish sucking at the skin on my feet.
Dinner at grilled-seafood eating place. I wouldn't call it a restaurant. Felt I dressed too dowdily today, will wear less tomorrow.

Day 2.

Went on canoe tour today, was afraid of being seasick but wasn't at all! Water wasn't blue, though, so a little disappointing. Tour group had this v cute guy but he turned out to be an asshole. Also, there was this other guy who has an uncanny resemblance to Ralph Fiennes! He sat opposite us on the boat so I had a lot of time to gaze.
Went to several islands, took photos with rocks. Looked less dowdy today so didn't feel too bad. Met "Johnny" who has a cool Thai-Muslim name. Poor guy has been working on that boat for 7 years, and he's only 24 now! Before that, he worked on a fishing boat. Glad that I met genuinely nice people today.
Went shoe-shopping, but everyone ended up with new shoes, everyone but me. Damn it. I should just buy shoes and paint over the stupid logo! Looking forward to more shopping tomorrow.

Day 3.

Today was just shopping and stuff, though buying shoes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll buy 3 pairs. Still not sure what I'll paint on them. Monkey Island? Toy Story? Bart Simpson and Sideshow Bob?
Period heavy, not sure how I'll be able to go water rafting tomorrow. Very worried. Early day tomorrow, hope it'll be good.

Day 4.

I have fallen in love with Phuket and its people. I love the nature here, the laid-back attitude, fresh air and pretty healthy lifestyle. We went on the water-rafting tour today, with other activities like flying fox and elephant trekking and taking photos with monkeys. I got massaged by the elephant and was kissed by it until I had to wipe my hair down.
The others thought the tour wasn't good but I liked it. This rafting guide kept playing with me, and the rafting was really fun. I loved the scenery, the sound of the flowing water. I don't even know his name but we took photos together. He is a truly nice, fake iphone and smoker but full-of-fun and adventure-craving person. And he's Thai.
After the tour we came back to Patong. Shoes to be collected tmr. Saw the guy at the purse stall who chatted me up yesterday. He held my hand today and refused to let go. Sis thinks he's cute but I don't really think so. He's too beng for me. It was sweet, though. Happy today!

Day 5.

Had half a day in Phuket, and back home tonight. Unhappy. I miss the people I met in Phuket, the slow-moving life, the mountains and rivers and greenery. I only don't miss the mosquitoes. Going with my family meant that I didn't get to buy a lot, got one pair of high-cut sneakers so not a total loss.
Lots of insect bites, hope none of them are worms. Didn't get to bungee on this trip, but shall go to Phuket again, next time without my family... hopefully. Ppl there seem to find me cute, good to be 18. Plus, most of them are quite good-looking! Aha!

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I feel so inspired. I saw so many people with dreadlocks and cornrows and braids there, and I've decided to put dreadlocks back into my hair in the middle of next year. This time, I'll make it grow backwards so they won't fall in my face.

Sunday, December 13th 2009

Why do I torture myself like this?

Why do I insist on re-reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" even though it is so difficult to get through and so painful to read? With every page I feel like I'm in the shoes of Florentino Ariza, feeling his pain, crying his tears of joy, sadness and anger. Why does he relentlessly pursue Fermina Daza even though it shreds his heart? He buys a mirror and hangs it in his house, just because he knows her reflection is captured there. He writes the most beautiful love letters.

Every time I read the book or watch the movie, it torments me endlessly in my quiet moments and in my dreams. The desire to love just won't disappear, when my body is about to drift off to sleep, painful memories flash behind my eyelids and jolt myself awake.

What I do not see in real life anymore comes back to haunt me in my dreams.

Saturday, December 12th 2009

DOOM!

My mom is fed up with paying for my voice lessons.
At the beginning of the year she said she would pay for them so I wouldn't have to work for the money, but now she's taking back her word. She labels my lessons as "a waste of time and money", which I find unfair because I enjoy them immensely. I practise so hard and so often so I would be good, especially during the lessons.
Mom says I should "wait till I'm older to take voice lessons". Hello?! I'm 18, which is old to be starting vocal training, and she wants me to wait some more? She's mad, I tell you. I'm annoyed because my teacher is the best around and my parents always seem to want me to quit what I enjoy.

Dad made me quit gymnastics in Pri 2 because it was "dangerous". When I got older and re-joined it in Pri 4, the other girls laughed at me and the coach disliked me because I was not as good at gymnastics as my peers, or even worse, my juniors. Had I stayed on in Pri 2, I could have been good at it.

All of you who know me know that I love my CCA. I risked life and limb for it and fought to attend practice, argued to go on tour for competitions.
After a couple of years in my Secondary school choir, my parents wanted me to quit it. They said it was "a waste of time and effort". Luckily, I was old enough and less stupid, and I refused to listen to them. They state, but don't reason, you know? It's ridiculous, this childish behavior they so often display for whatever reason they deem plausible.

Now that I think about it, not-listening to them was what made me who I am today. I guess having them around isn't all bad, their negative behavior has a positive effect on my life.

Now I'm wondering if I should get a job. I'd like very much to go volunteer work instead, but if my mom really refuses to pay for my lessons, I'll have to do it myself. How am I going to get the money?!

Thursday, December 10th 2009

I took Rabbit a bit of carrot and a leaf of green veg yesterday, all was calm in the field. All sound of roaring vehicles from the roads and chatter of people from the pavements died down the closer I got to his tree. Lucky thing I chose that tree, huh?
My dear, sweet Rabbit. Green plants are growing over him now, as if protecting his remains. He certainly deserves it, his is a beautiful soul. I miss him dearly every day.

The afternoon was spent learning new music. My teacher had marked out quite a few, and they're beautiful. I didn't like "Maria Wiegenlied" at first, but only today had I realised how gorgeous it is. It's one of those heart-wrenching songs that make you stop breathing.

Have been listening to a little bit of Ian Bostridge. He's a pretty good tenor, I particularly like the song "Silent Noon". Still awaiting the arrival of "La dolce fiamma" by Philippe Jaroussky.
Had a look-see at the new mall, 313, yesterday, since I had to visit HMV as well. I had gotten worried that I missed their call or something, so I went to check up on the order. It hasn't arrived yet, the nice guy at the counter had even double-checked it the day before just to make sure.

I'm wondering if I should get a part-time job or do volunteer work during the holidays. I'd like to gain some experience in the culinary line, but I've also been wanting to volunteer at the Association for the Visually Handicapped. It's not far from my home and there's a straight bus there. It's been some time since I last did volunteer/charity work, but it didn't really count before because it was for choir CIP, and most of us couldn't speak in dialect, thus not being able to communicate with the grumpy elderly in the home. They just sat shouting at us, some smiling, some scowling, and it all felt very awkward.
Well, I'll probably go with the volunteer work, but not before I get a dog (yes!). After so many years of pondering, we're finally going to get one. There is a catch, though. I'm going to have to pay 1/2 the amount.

Saturday, December 5th 2009

I miss my Rabbit so much.

I miss the way he flattens against the floor whenever I pet him. I miss the soft fur beside his eyes, I miss his twitchy nose and little pink mouth that turns orange when he eats a carrot. I miss cuddling him. I miss his kisses.

How I wish I still had him here to cuddle.

Thursday, December 3rd 2009

"I sometimes think my head is so large because it is so full of dreams"

-Joseph Carey Merrick
[1862-1890 (Aged 27)]

Wednesday, November 2nd 2009

Yesterday had been pretty eventful.

I went shopping with Mom, hoping to buy some things from the Sesame Street roadshow thingy at Causeway Point. It turned out that they didn't have many things apart from some soft toys and kiddy bottles and clothes. We had lunch at Pastamania, then went jewellery-hunting. I was hoping to get some cheapskate small hoops for my double-pierced ear, but Mom insisted it would be more worthwhile to get "real" jewellery, they last longer, so we went round comparing prices and benefits, and finally got a pair of white-gold hoops. I guess it does help, my body is ultra-sensitive towards a lot of things. It's a curse, I tell you.

I still like the idea of two hoops in one ear. It has no set meaning, so I can choose to interpret it any way I want. It is self-expression.
Apparently, my Mom noticed my double-piercing long ago. I was waiting, just waiting for her to yell her head off in that awfully-shrill voice of hers, but she didn't. When I asked her about it yesterday, she just said ,"young people everywhere all have piercings now". It was hilarious! She even joked about me piercing my eyebrows and lip, and other places as well.
I was/am, however, grateful that she was so understanding about it. I didn't get the piercing because I wanted to "be like everyone else", I got it because I wanted it. I simply wanted it. It looks cool, but laid-back at the same time, you know?

She also bought me LEGO!!!
It came in this cardboard carton containing 700 LEGO pieces! My own set of LEGO came in this blue tub, and there were only enough pieces for me to build a small house with a bed and chair. Hah! LEGO is the ultimate toy. If I didn't have LEGO to play with as a child, I probably wouldn't even be blogging right now. I'd probably be at some cybercafe, LAN-gaming my money and days away. LEGO opened up a whole new door, a way of self-expression and creativity. It's like creating your own world, you put in every brick where you want it, how you want it, and build what ever the hell you want!

I will never understand why society deems it unsuitable for adults to like children's toys and programmes. What's wrong with it? Childhood is a time of blissful ignorance, who wouldn't want to escape the dog-eat-dog adult world for that?

Monday, November 30th 2009

The past few days have been quite boring.
Been doing a lot of cryptograms, just doing and doing until my eyes get tired and heavy. It does seem rewarding when I finish a puzzle, but last night when I finally hit the pillow, my mind started racing. All the letters were rushing around behind my eyelids and they wouldn't stop.

I tried spraying that Bodyshop sleep-spray thingy on my pillow, I drank chamomile-honey tea before bed, just didn't work. I kept feeling and hearing the blood pounding in my head and neck..
Okay. It's starting to sound like I'm writing pornography. I'd better stop now.

Sunday, November 29th 2009

It's hard to believe that I actually went browsing at the Mathematics section at Kinokuniya yesterday.
Strangely, Maths doesn't repulse me anymore. I even flipped through some Mathematical puzzle books to have a look. Then, I muttered, "this is how people go crazy," and placed it back on the shelf.

I've always wondered what makes serial killers so smart. No, not just smart. Intelligent, able to think swiftly and logically. Crimes are also often associated with cryptic messages and languages, and most serial killers are geniuses! True, some of them may be uneducated or less academically-inclined, but they have excellent logical skills. Now, how does an average member of society achieve this?

I went to Borders and Kinokuniya yesterday, not expecting to buy anything, but once I got to the cryptography section in Kino, I went crazy. I began flipping through the different books on the subject, and the one that caught and held my attention was also the most expensive one, dang it!
Of course, being the stingy person that I am, I didn't buy it straightaway, but went to have dinner of a "chili-melt dog" while I pondered. It's a really cool book on the study and history of cryptography and its languages, chock-full of photographs and information, ancient and dead languages and methods, but was priced at $47.
In the end, I bought it anyway, and then went over to Borders to look for puzzle books.

Somehow, crosswords have never interested me very much, since my general knowledge is quite limited. Sudoku? No way. My logic skills are quite bad, I can't even play chess, but it doesn't bother me that much. Perhaps I'll buy a logic-puzzle book sometime.
Out of five shelves of puzzle books, there were only two books on cryptograms. I picked the cheaper and seemingly-easier one, since I haven't done any before.
Now, I've done two, and they're awesome! It's like finding hidden treasure with brain-power and logic, baby! I love the adrenaline rush. You guys should try it sometime.

Anyway, here's the quote of the week!

"My life is full because I know that I am loved." -Joseph Merrick, "The Elephant Man"

Thursday, November 26th 2009

I still think there's something sexy about Alan Cumming. You think? Sabby vehemently disagrees.

I had another adventure yesterday. I wrote a list of things to do, and it included getting some videos at Esplanade library, buying a slate and stylus and buying soil and some plant seeds.
Borrowed mostly art films from library, including old favourites like "The Elephant Man" and "It happened one night", and of course "The Willow Tree" and "The Color of Paradise". Old films have lousy endings but they're still great to watch.

After that, I walked over to Bugis to take 851 to Marymount. It was quite convenient as both SAVH (S'pore Association for the Visually Handicapped) and the florists were at Marymount.
I was actually a little bit scared about visiting SAVH, afraid of what I might see or who I might meet. I don't even know why I felt that way, but I couldn't help feeling it.
However, it wasn't scary or awkward at all, even when I saw a line of blind people coming out of the school for the blind. They walked cautiously, poking around with their canes. It's awesome, really, how they use their canes to see. I watched carefully, each person used their cane differently.

It was comforting, even, knowing that they couldn't see me. I've always been a little bit self-conscious about my looks, and it was almost a relief being there. It's such a wonder to gaze into darkness every day and feel the world through your fingertips. I might consider doing volunteer work there sometime.
Anyway, I bought my slate and stylus set. It's quite a pretty little thing, embossed and everything. They didn't have any cheap plastic ones so I went with the metal one, at $21, which isn't too bad a price.

My brother has finally fixed "Sims 3" for me, so I spent the first half of the day playing it, then watched "The Color of Paradise". At 5.30pm, I heard thunder and saw a looming patch of grey sky. I've been wanting to play in a heavy downpour, so I hurridly changed into my workout clothes and went for a jog.
After jogging, I sat on the pavement at the open carpark and waited for the rain. I waited 1 and a half hours, but the rain did not come. I did, however, get to watch a beautiful sunset and do some thinking. Also, Rabbit was there with me while I waited.
He was in the sky.

Tuesday, November 24th 2009

Whoa!
So now I see the beauty in the conventional male voice! I hardly even breathed when I heard the version of “Zefiro Torna” on Youtube. I first heard it when Jaroussky and Rial sang it, but this time it’s done by two tenors. They’re a little flat in places and their voices don’t match too well but other than that, it’s pretty good. The tenor voice finally seems beautiful to me! It has a certain warm quality.

Nowadays, it seems that pop music does nothing for me. I found myself fidgiting when I played some tunes from my old iPod, but when I listened to some classical music my mind came alive and listened properly, the image of the score in my head as the music went along.
Whaow! A little more than a year ago, I couldn't spend more than 10 minutes listening to classical instrumental music because I thought it was so boring. I've come a long way.

Spent yesterday and today wasting my life on the computer playing games. The downloading of Maple Story took a bloody 5-6 hours and in the end, it couldn't even be played due to some error in installation, so I deleted the whole thing.
My Brother hasn't fixed Sims 3 for me yet, so I still can't play it. I've been asking him to help me fix it since last Friday. Lazy jerk.

I'm currently deep into "The Secret of Monkey Island", which, in case you people don't know, was/is the first in the series. I love pirate culture. Guybrush Threepwood is so awesome in a wimpy loser kind of way, and his determination never ceases to amaze me, not to mention his wit.
"I'm Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate!"

Sunday, November 22nd 2009

My mom's giving me a choice of the UK or Italy in the first quarter of next year.
I thought she had been really keen on UK, which comprises London and Scotland. Now, I've been wanting to go to Scotland for a long time. It's so green and beautiful and full of castles and medieval history, you know? I wish I lived during that time, even though they were faced with so many deadly epidemics and punishments and torture for the smallest thing.

However, as most of you know, I'd die to go to Venice again. The first time I went there with my choir, we only spent several hours there (enough to lick ice-cream and look at magnificent interior architecture and buy some souvenirs). I still visit Venice in my sleep, but I don't go any further than where I've already been in real life. I want to go again.
Well, a fear hit me yesterday.
What if I choose to go to Venice next year and don't get to go again? What I mean is, what if it doesn't go as I hoped? I love the holidays during which I can just stroll around alone to write poetry, sketch buildings, snack on local food and sit by waterways and day-dream, or even go round exploring, you know? It'll be pretty difficult doing all that with my parents hanging around. They hate scenery and all that kind of stuff. Sometimes I wonder why they even bother travelling.

I wonder if choosing the UK next year, and Italy the year after next would be a good idea. Surely if I'm older, they would leave me alone more often? If, and when.
What if 2012 is really when the world ends and Venice is underwater by the time I want to go there?!?!

Tell me, what would you choose?

Friday, November 20th 2009

"With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." -Rhett Butler

I discovered something new about myself! I guess I kind of knew it all along, only it suddenly occurred to me yesterday: I don't like people.

Generally, I don't like people. I find human beings too... meddlesome. Is that the right word? They're so difficult to communicate with, to share things with, and they're never truly happy and satisfied with the people or things around them, or even themselves. It's just so difficult, I think I'd be content talking to animals. I feel fed-up with having to deal with people.

Yesterday had been a very musical day, apart from my hair-cut. I told myself I had to finish the Grade 2 exercises before I moved on to Grade 5 exercises in theory, since I had no knowledge of it whatsoever. I spent hours yesterday doing it, and managed to finish it, too. I guess watching "Amadeus" helped. Like Maths, music is becoming an escape rather than a chore.
I keep feeling the need and urge to study something, anything. I've spent 3 years studying for major exams, and when freedom finally hit me, I went on studying. It's like an addiction. The stress hasn't gone away, my eye bags are getting bigger, but I'm sleeping better nowadays.

Mom and Dad have been giving me hell for the past month or so, quarrelling over their holiday trips to greatly contrasting places. I got caught in the middle, so Dad ended up yelling at me and Mom kept bugging me about going to Dubai and UK.
Dad doesn't like to travel to far-away places, he prefers his hot and humid climate in SEA, while Mom wants to travel all over the world to places like Egypt and Russia and the UK. I'd prefer to go to colder places like Mom's choices, but not with Mom, or with my family. I just want to go alone, to be able to sit by rivers and write, you know, things like that, instead of having to look like a tourist and go to man-made tourist attractions that charge an exorbitant amount of money for entry.

Well, I do benefit from all this. We're going to Phuket this December (Dad's choice),plenty of beautiful beaches and shopping, and the UK+Dubai is pushed to the first quarter of next year.
I'll be going to Scotland, baby!!

Tuesday, November 17th 2009

Two days ago, I went to catch "2012" alone. It was awesome!
I didn't really think much of the touching speeches because they've been heard before. No, what I liked most about the movie was the adrenaline. It was so awesome, I can't even find another word for it. No, wait. Astonishing. Flabbergasting. Stupefying!
I might go watch it again.

I felt really depressed after the movie, though. I looked around me and talked to myself in my mind about how everything I see won't stay this way, not that I'm too upset about it. All I see is concrete.

Last night, my mind started racing the moment I turned out my bedside light. It suddenly struck me that I won't be able to study with the same voice teacher for the next ten years of my life, if I'm going overseas to study. It would be ridiculous to travel back often for lessons, and mighty pricey, too. No money for that. Now I see why the greatest singers are the ones who studied music in schools, they had no other distractions.Then, I realised that I probably won't have to worry about that because 2012 will be here in 3 years. I will be 21 then, in my last year of Poly, so I will still be here then.

So. I went on a major shopping trip on Saturday. I didn't even reach $100, but close enough, and that's major for me. Normally I can't even find that kind of money, but mom gave me some so she wouldn't have to go shopping with me. I can't say I didn't feel the least bit hurt, but it was a lot easier going shopping alone. I could go where I wanted, see what I wanted, stop whenever I wanted.
I finally bought a set of tinted charcoal pencils from Art Friend. Gosh, they're pricey, but they're going to last for quite some time. Been trying to get myself to draw some human portraits but haven't gotten round to it yet. The last one I did of Charlie Chaplin almost killed me.
I also bought a book, a night-mask and a CD. I've been wanting a night-mask so I can feel what it would be like to be blind, to open your eyes and still see darkness. Finally got Michael Buble's new CD, I think the title song is beautiful. The lyrics are so real, gentle. "Hold on" isn't bad either. I also think Michael Buble looks better clean-shaven.

I'm loving my cryptic language. My parents have seen me writing in it and they both got this puzzled expression, perhaps even with a hint of suspicion. I suppose they would try to crack it, I should have made cipher discs with a scattered alphabet. I will with the wooden ones.

Still, I can't help feeling insecure. Nothing's safe in this house, nothing's ever certain and I hate it. I can't stand that of every place in the world and universe, I choose to come back here at the end of every day. It has become part of me, programmed into my system under "comfort".
At least it's not the only thing under "comfort".

One day I'm going to get far, far away from here and never come back.

Friday, November 13th 2009

Over the past two days, I have:
1) created a new cryptic written language and learnt it
2) developed cipher discs for the language
3) discovered that Philippe Jaroussky can speak 5 languages
4) gone to JB for a day trip with Dad
5) started on the beautiful wire mask worn on the cover of "Carestini"

I came up with a new cryptic language for my thoughts. It's great, because normal people would take years and years to decode it. I used the substitution cipher method, using symbols and strokes. It was more difficult coming up with the language than actually learning it, since it required imagination. Many cryptic languages have been created over the past centuries, so it really wasn't easy coming up with an original one.

I considered using the original alphabetic ciphers but I think they're too easy to crack. I got the idea of a cryptic language after watching "Wanted", and thought it would be cool to have my own. It's like an invisible lock to my thoughts. Finding the invisible key is difficult enough, then breaking the code and finally having to decode everything.
I spent last night making two cipher discs. They turned out quite nice, actually, although they required utmost patience and concentration, especially when I had to cut them to shape and draw the corresponding slots for fitting. I think the process is relatively simple compared to making cipher discs out of wood or metal. Hopefully, one day...

PJ is bloody talented. True, he wasn't a child prodigy or anything like that, but he built up his skills slowly until he's able to do so many different things. Lets start at the beginning. He can play the violin, started at age 11. He went on to win awards for violin playing, and then took up piano. At the age of 18 he began voice lessons as a counter-tenor, and has been training with the same teacher ever since. So now he can play the violin, piano and sing. Okay.
Then, I found one of his tour schedules for concerts. He has tours planned until the forth quarter of next year, in many places from Australia to Germany to London (and of course France). I'm dying to go watch him but probably won't be able to unless he comes here or I go to any of those places.
Also, in his many interviews, I've discovered that he is multi-lingual. I haven't heard any interviews in Italian yet but I'm pretty sure he can speak that too, since most of his repertoire is in that language. So far on Youtube, he has spoken French, German, Spanish and English. By 30 I aim to be able to do that.

Ever since I got the CD "Carestini", I've wanted to make a mask like that. It's so beautiful, the butterfly just sits on the nose and spreads its black-laced wings like a veil over one's face. It's probably just made of wire and very, very beautiful lace with a complicated pattern. I've done wire work before, so it shouldn't be too difficult. I'm gonna start making the skeleton first, and when I get hold of the lace I'll just stretch it over the delicate frame.

Wednesday, November 11th 2009

This is the CD I'm currently anticipating!

I've already exhausted the Monteverdi CD I got last week or so, but it has some really pretty tunes on it. "Ohime ch'io cado" sounds pretty sing-able, I might try if I manage to find the score.
"La Dolce Fiamma" has really beautiful pieces on it. The title piece is very graceful and charming, very warm and lovely. Not too much coloratura on this album, but where it lacks in coloratura, it makes up with grace.

It has been a crazy week. I'm talking raving mad.
I've been working on my Art paper all year, but only managed to finish it 10 minutes before the paper started. 10 minutes before the paper, I was still at home, frantically painting glue onto the back of my artwork. It was crazy, I tell you. Dad had to help me take the blu-tack off the back of my art while I glued them down. Before that I was arranging everything, doing layouts, making sure everything is detailed and coloured in. No room for slipshod work.

Dad went crazy the day after my last paper. The minute I walked out of my room in the morning, he started shouting. I don't even know if he was shouting at me or not. He shouted, "Don't include me in your travel plans, I'm so sick of this house!" (My brother was still asleep in his room and there was no one else)
It came as such a shock to me, I started crying while brushing my teeth. I ignored him for the rest of the day, keeping to myself in my room. Thank goodness I can lock my door.
So much for freedom after exams, I was forced to stay confined in my room lest he yelled again, so I kept myself busy drawing human anatomy. I can't believe it took me more than 5 hours to produce a drawing on the arm's musculature, but it turned out quite well, so I don't feel to bad.

I spent today at Esplanade library, doing a bit of music theory and listening to reference discs. I have a really strong urge to watch "Amadeus" again, my sis is supposed to bring the film home, but she hasn't been home for the past few days. I wanted to borrow the film from the library but they were all on loan, dang it! So I borrowed a whole lot of his music instead, and some foreign films and stuff.
I'm suddenly faced with so much music to learn. I've just finished my academic exams and I'm already worried about my grade 5 theory in March 2010. On top of that, my teacher marked out a whole lot of pieces to learn, and I have to learn them all by December, because that's when our next lesson will be. Oh no!!! Luckily, it'll be easier to practise my singing when my parents go out of the country for their holiday. The acoustics in the living room are the best. Unfortunately, the acoustics in my room suck.

Been re-reading "Hannibal Rising", and I've stumbled upon the "Memory Palace" technique, and I shall start establishing one during the holidays, though I don't know what to put in yet. It's one of those 'genius-brain' techniques, and many people deem it effective. I just think it would be really cool, and it would help me remember things better, very useful for exams.

North and South Korea are fighting again. There's something seriously wrong with the world. We should all watch "V for Vendetta" together. I hope the 2012 predictions are accurate, it would be a relief for me.

Oh, that reminds me. I want to watch "2012".

Friday, November 6th 2009

I just had the most fun in a long time. I don't know why I never did before, but I looked up "Pianti, sospiri" on Youtube and found the score. I watched and listened to it, and laughed hysterically during most of it.
I was quite excited, I've always wanted to see the score of it because it has serious coloratura parts. Here is a screenshot of the score, the top line is the vocal part. The coloratura line goes on for up to 7 bars at a time! In this picture, you only see 2. If I ever master coloratura, I shall take a shot at singing that!

I'm dying in anticipation and excitement for the new Philippe Jaroussky CD "La dolce fiamma". I've already heard snippets and one or two tracks from it, and it's gorgeous. J.S. Bach had immense talent, and these were pieces composed by his son, J.C. Bach. They have the same heart-wrenching chords and melodies.

I just stumbled upon a video montage where PJ sports a little beard. Beards are usually really not my thing, they look gross on most guys. PJ looks fine with the beard, but it makes him look older, more mature, more serious. No, thanks. I prefer PJ clean-shaven. He's cuter like that.

Fed my soul with more videos of Philippe Jaroussky tonight. At this point, he's the only person/thing that's keeping me alive. I spent 5 straight hours on my Art prepwork today, it was exhausting.
Need..more..Philippe..Jaroussky....

Thursday, November 5th 2009

Hooray! Monkey Island 5 is out!
Actually, it was released months ago but 1) it wasn't widely known and 2) I've been too busy to check it out. Anyway, I can't wait to play it. I've played and replayed Monkey Island 3 and 4, and I've always thought Guybrush quite cute in a scrawny loser kind of way. Plus, he's got wit!
(He's the one with the tofu-head in the picture.)

I've added a new playlist on my blog, been wanting to compile a classical playlist for some time now. I added my favourite track from "Mazarin", the one by Cazzatti. I love how the instruments build up from nothing at the beginning.
The playlist is generally jolly, except for the 1st movement of Sym. 25. Give it a chance, though. The good parts are after the angry ones.

Added more Mozart and Handel. I can't find many orchestral works of Handel, but maybe I haven't looked hard enough. Meanwhile, here's one that I found on Youtube, it's quite beautiful. Last but not least, there's John Dowland's "The Frog Galliard", whatever that means. It's a cheerful little tune, so I thought I'd add it too. Pretty happy with the playlist, but I think there's not enough Handel in it. Handel wrote beautiful, heart-wrenching vocal works but not enough for orchestras. Wanted to add some choral works by Vivaldi but the renditions they had on Youtube weren't very good.

I'm down to my last paper: Art. Though it's not a theory paper, it's the worst. It's the most tedious, it's at times like these that art students dislike art. Every little thing has to be so precise and detailed, you know? It's not free and easy. There has to be sources and investigation and development, stylisation, layouts.....

Went down to "Fancy Paper" today to buy 8 white A2 sheets of paper for my exam. Bloody people there didn't suggest what to buy and then refused to cut it to size for me! They said "we don't cut the paper, you cut it yourself". Eventually, I found plain white paper of good-quality, but they didn't have any in A2 size, only way bigger ones, so I had to buy them. Now I have to cut them to size myself. They were expensive, too. Damn people.

After my exams, I shall have a serial-killer reading and watching marathon. I want to watch the whole Hannibal Lecter series again to see his artwork, and then I shall watch "Dahmer" too. I'll spend some time reading up on the most twisted serial killers in history. I've been too busy to do that, but I'm guessing no other serial killers are just as twisted as the ones I've already read about.
The serial killers nowadays just rape and kill and perhaps chop the bodies up and dump them somewhere, that's it. The coolest ones rape their dead victims and eat them and perhaps make household items out of their bodies.

On another topic, I watched "Hotel Rwanda" for the first time today, and I loved it. There was not one moment during which I was relaxed. I'm starting to dislike Social Studies again.

Friday, October 30th 2009

I'm in the best mood!

HMV just called and told me that my "Monteverdi" deluxe edition has arrived!!! Ah! I'm practically dancing for joy! I'm also dying for new music, and who better to comfort me than Philippe Jaroussky?
I've been looking forward to the music on this CD. They jazzed it up a little and it has wonderful instrumentation and character. Been stepping into HMV at Citylink Mall to listen to the "Classical 2010" CD time and again just for that one song. This is called extreme desperation.

Worked pretty hard today, spent a lot of the day doing Art. Some light-box work and drawing and shading, and then gathering pictures to print. I had to look for pictures of the weather forecast and found some pretty nice ones to serve as my background for my prepwork. It'll be just like a collage! All those scrap-booking skills will be put to good use.

Stress levels have been running high over the past few days. I almost died before and after each Maths paper, but eventually came through. I realised, after stepping out of the school, that I had made a few mistakes in paper 1, but I felt pretty good after paper 2. Sure, there were a few questions I didn't know how to do in paper 2, but I've done my best. My paper 2 will turn out better than paper 1, but I'm hoping to get more than a B3 for the average.

I'm into Braille now, and hope to teach myself the basics of reading and writing in it after my exams. I think it would be nice to write in a language that most people cannot immediately translate. They'd have to sit themselves at a table and decipher it slowly, it would be just like a code! Also, I have discovered that the world is more interesting through touch.
Most of what we see is taken for granted, but when we close our eyes we put our trust in/at our fingertips to convey images of things around us. With our eyes closed, we detect even the tiniest details of an object, its form, its texture. It just takes me to a higher level of sensitivity.

Tomorrow, I'll do some studying in the morning. V and I are meeting up to study for a couple of hours, then have an enormous lunch of Kenny Rogers chicken and Mac & Cheese. I'm taking V to watch "The Song of Sparrows" at the Picturehouse, I hope she'll like it. Majid Majidi's films are wonderful.
I just watched "The Color of Paradise" 2 days ago, and it was beautiful. I love how the children carry branches of leaves that are bigger than they are, and how they run all over the place, laughing. Such are the wonders of childhood, long lost in this society.
Thank God I had a chance to experience it before it was entirely wiped out.

Mom and Dad promised we'd have a steamboat dinner tomorrow, so I'm pretty much looking forward to the whole of tomorrow, despite the studying bit. I've got to be a good girl and study, seeing that God has granted me my CD at long last. I'll collect it after the movie tomorrow. After my exams, I shall place another CD order for "La dolce fiamma", PJ's latest album.
Too much good music never killed anybody!

Saturday, October 24th 2009

Damn. The "Ugly Betty" cast is really good looking. First, I went to research on Henry, and it turns out he is a total dish, and he's married with kids.
Then, I did research on Rebecca Romijn, who plays Alexis on "Ugly Betty". I think she's so beautiful and totally hot. Then I read that she's married with kids too!! Oh- all the good-looking people!!!

That aside, a man stopped to talk to me along Esplanade Bay today. He pointed towards the construction in the distance and said, "they're building the casinos there. 2012. They're building a bridge to it now."
I just replied, "yeah."

I, for one, am not the least bit interested in the casino. I am, however, interested in the changes it will bring. I will witness, first-hand, younger generations turning into trash.
Gamblers, drug/money dealers will flock to the country. It would be just like Las Vegas! Only difference would be that there won't be any "quickie" marriages here.

Wednesday, October 21st 2009

Can you see why I want a beautifully-bound book to put my stories into? When it comes to choosing notebooks, I have impeccable taste.

Just want to do a quick blog before I leave for the library. I've been spending every free day at the library, except for 2 days a week when I have tuition. On those days I just do Art. Not very happy with the paper and its themes (I collected the paper 2 days ago) but I'll live. Been doing a lot of Maths.

19 days left, can you believe it? I've worked all year (count last year if you want) for these exams, and my freedom is in 19 days' time. Call it cliche, but I feel like a fish out of water. Uncomfortable with my surroundings, gasping, choking on air, knowing I can't run because something is out to get me.

I watched "Children of Heaven", it's really good. I've never watched "Home Run" but somehow I see similarities in the storyline, only "Children of Heaven" is definitely worth the watch. The kids are so cute, it really opens your eyes and makes you realise that there's a lot going on in a kid's mind than you think.

Well, it's been 10 mins of blogging and I have to go.
Wish me luck.

Sunday, October 18th 2009

Guess what!
Maksim Mrvica is coming to town! I used to listen to that guy's mix of techno and classical music, but I grew out of it after a while. Now he calls himself the "Prince of Piano". It was hilarious, but I couldn't laugh out loud because I was at Esplanade, you know, it's very quiet there during the day.

Went to Esplanade to study yesterday as well but the library was closed, so I had to find somewhere else to study. I didn't bring a jacket because I thought it would have been a hassle, but when I discovered the library was closed, I thought of studying at the sofas at the basement, but it's freezing there, so I went outside to the waterfront instead. I managed to do an hour or so of studying, and then went to Vivocity to meet V.
I got there early so I went to have my usual look-see at Candy Empire. I love being a kid in a candy store. Bought a pack of lollipops (supposedly made in Holland). They're like the bigger version of rock-candy, just very fruity and on a stick. I bought them for a junior once and they were good.

When V showed up, she scared me half to death at the National Geographic store. She jumped out from behind. Anyway, they sell really cool stuff there, only I couldn't even afford to buy a NG magazine because the money in my account is running really, really low and I don't want my Mom to freak out when she tops up my account at year's end. I didn't even dare withdraw the money I took out of my own savings for my recent voice lesson, I think I'll wait till Mom tops it up.

V and I went to lunch at "The Mussel Guys". Ironically, there were no guys. The food wasn't bad, just the usual over-priced town food. Then, we walked into "Page One" and looked wistfully at all the new, wrapped books. I can't wait to take Mom book-shopping. Anyway, V was so nice to buy me "Maurice", which I have been wanting for a few months now. It's my early Christmas present, and I love it. I have discovered another great author!

Oh yes, before I forget, I have also discovered a brilliant director, Majid Majidi. This guy is awesome, and his films are beautiful. So far, I've only watched "The Willow Tree", but will watch "Children of Heaven" tonight on DVD. It's supposed to be very good. His "The Song of Sparrows" will be showing at the Picturehouse soon, I hope I'll be able to catch it after my exams.

This weekend, I stopped by HMV at Citylink to see what's new. I listened to some music like Michael Buble's "Crazy Love" and the "Classical 2010" album. Michael Buble's new CD has some really pretty tunes on it, and I can't wait to buy it next month. I only listened to "Classical 2010" because PJ is one of the featured artists. They put one of his Monteverdi pieces on it, and I was surprised at how good the quality is, compared to the Youtube ones I've been listening to. HMV Heeren hasn't received the CD I ordered yet, so I can't do much but wait. Studies first.

...Which brings me to another topic. When I'm tired, my mind wanders a lot, and it's uncontrollable, but I think of many things. One thing that occurred to me tonight at dinner is that all the people who are the great singers have studied music. Literally, in schools. For example, PJ started violin at the age of 11, and then studied piano, and he studied them at the conservatory in France. Then, only at 18, he picked up voice.
All the great musicians have studied music seriously and go into the career full-time. I, on the other hand, haven't studied music seriously because they didn't offer it in my school. I have taken a voice exam (and more to come) but it's not like full-time studying music, you know? These people go to NAFA and all that, and all they study is music and its theory. I'm still dreaming of doing Cardiovascular Science.
How is one to choose?! I want both just as badly. Both career paths will make a person rich. Both paths are equally exhilarating, except I probably won't kill anyone in the music career. I love singing, but I haven't cut anybody up yet. I guess I have been singing longer than I have been doing Biology. I only started liking Science at the end of Sec 2 when I realised I could do it.

I don't want to have to choose. I shouldn't have to choose.

Friday, October 16th 2009

I watched the first season of "Ugly Betty" again today while having a late lunch of instant noodles and a bak chang. Marc St. James still remains my favourite character in the series. He's got style, he's got humour, and I love the hair! I might try that on my hair in the future, you know, the whole curly thing.

I'm suddenly into those beautiful old leather-bound notebooks/sketchbooks. I'd like one to put my stories in, especially since I've been writing a lot recently and I really think my stories deserve to be put into a beautiful vintage notebook. It doesn't matter if the leather is real or not, it's just the look that I want. The smell of leather isn't exactly inviting, you know.
I plan to write my stories in there and do a drawing of the scene after each one. I think it would be really cool, since I've taken to writing by the sea recently. I wish it were cold enough for me to just sit anywhere and write, but it's not gonna happen. It's so ridiculously hot and humid, and there are bugs everywhere, so Esplanade and Harbourfront are my favourite places at the moment.

I can't tell you how much I long for freedom, which will come in exactly 24 days. My last paper is on the 9th, and after that all hell will reign!!! Too bad my parents only go on their holiday later on and not immediately after my exams, because I haven't been able to watch films like "Love in the time of Cholera". Not only does it contain scenes "unsuitable for children", it also involves a lot of crying, and I like to watch those films alone because they give me inspiration and motivation to write. My poor characters suffer as much as I, and they all end up dying.
I wonder how my life story will end?

P.S.: My parents haven't discovered the piercing yet.

Tuesday, October 13th 2009

How stupid of me to pick such a day to watch "Titanic". I saw it for the first time last year or so, I watched it for the second time today.
It's a cliche yet breathtakingly beautiful story. Good-looking cast, too. I thought it would be no big deal since I'd already watched it before. Who was I trying to kid? I could hardly stop crying, and was consistently trying to choke back my tears in case my parents walked into the room.

Someone once told me, "Never be afraid to cry in front of other people." I still can't put the fear aside, but I'll let her know if I stop fearing it one day.

My favourite scene is the one where the musicians decide to continue playing on the deck. They're awfully good, too. (*gasp, choke*)

Of course, they had to contrast the stupid stuffed-up evil husband (who, by the way, is quite good-looking) with the soft-hearted boy artist with piercing eyes. No wonder people love this show.
Don't you see? Jack's is the kind of life I want to lead. No money in the pocket, but a heart full of passion and a thirst for adventure. I wouldn't gamble with money or assets, but I'd gamble with my life.

I made my parents watch "The Willow Tree" today, hoping it would give them the smidgen of wisdom that they so desperately need. To my surprise, they actually sat through the entire movie. It's so good to know. They didn't talk about it after that, but they cooked up a western dinner and they seem a lot nicer.

It's hard to tell. I would give anything for them to have more wisdom, and the only way to reach through to them is through the medium they are most familiar with- the television. Try as I may, they always go back to being themselves, so I just hope for the best each time.

My first paper- SOVA- is tomorrow afternoon and I'm scared to death. I have studied hard for it and gained more than knowledge from it, and I know I'll do just fine, so why am I still nervous?
I have gone through the 68 pages of notes and pictures 3 times, and I am fairly articulate through/in the English language, so I should do fine. No, I need more than fine.
I got the JAE booklet the day before yesterday -again. I got the same one last year, only this year's standards are even higher and it freaked me out. This year's Biomed Sc cut-off points range from 9-11, and I really, really hope I can make it.

Granted, I worked harder this year than last year. I had school last year, and I had so many subjects to juggle. I should be glad I even got average results, but I need more than average now.
I single-handedly re-taught myself the entire 3-5 years of Maths using nothing more than my textbook, notebook and a pencil. I took up a job and squeezed my studies between meal and toilet breaks, and then studied full-time after I left the job. By the time I started tuition in June, I had finished my 4N textbook, and still, my tuition teacher doesn't believe that I could have ever been so bad at Maths as to get 4/100.

It's been a mighty long year, I must say. Every day of it was like having to drag myself through thick mud in a trench. I could have just gone under at any time and drowned myself, save myself the pain of having to deal with all this. My family members weren't the only ones disappointed in me. My friends were full of pity. I was just speechless. My parents went on and on at me day and night but I was lost, away from them, trying to distract myself with my studies. Eventually, studying became a source of comfort for me and now, here I am, finally at the last stretch. The last one.
If I make it, I make it, but if I don't, I don't know. I do want it badly, to go to school like other people and to be given homework and to abide by dress codes and still be cool enough to be me. I want to learn things that are difficult, with long, unfamiliar names and functions, and still be able to sing in concerts and exams.

Well, enough said. Gotta get back to studying, and then settle down to a good night's sleep. Ciao.

Sunday, October 11th 2009

I have the sudden strong urge to blog. I've been studying a lot nowadays, but I make it a point to find time to blog. It's the only thing that's keeping me from going insane, apart from Philippe Jaroussky, of course.
His is the voice that keeps me company through my long hours of studying, so all the songs are pretty worn out and I really, really need more music. I can't wait to get his next 2 CDs, and thank God for "Sedecia", which I found at the library @ Esplanade. It is an opera by Scarlatti, and one of PJ's earliest works.

The lovely song you're listening to now is the one I'm currently learning. It's a little difficult to teach myself that because 1) my sight-reading is still horrible and 2) key-changes in places. However, it is an absolutely gorgeous piece, and I really, really want to sing it. No way would my teacher approve of that, because this stuff is still to difficult for me. Anything French is still beyond me, but no harm in trying. Having PJ's French to imitate makes it a little easier, I think.

I'm suddenly into Mozart again, having just watched the film "Amadeus". He's still my favourite composer (Handel comes a close second), even though after some time all his music starts to sound the same. There's some sort of pattern in his music that I have yet to identify. I wish I could write music like I write stories. I just need to learn the language. Perhaps I'll give it a shot after I pass my Grade 5 theory.

I have made a list of things I want to do after my exams. I've been studying non-stop since the beginning of the year, if you don't count my 'O's last year, so you can imagine the amount of things I've missed out on. So, here's the list, in no specific order. I just added to it when something new came to mind.

1) Have a BBQ
2) Buy silver ear-rings
3) Go to Carl jr's with V
4) Check out roller skates shop
5) Buy some boots (Dr Martens)
6) Buy running shoes
7) Buy iPod
8) Work for $ to pay for 6) and 7) and Venice trip
9) Do theory- and be good at it!
10) Have a "Scrubs" marathon
11) Watch "Daria" season 4
12) Buy more DVDs
13) Play online games (MS, GB, etc)
14) Go rock-climbing
15) Go roller-blading with Naz
16 Bring V to that nice place by the sea
17) Go to Sentosa with V > Underwater world
18) Buy my two PJ CDs > "Monteverdi" and "La dolce Fiamma"
19) Start a poetry + story-writing book
20) Buy a leather-bound book for 19)
21) Run more- up to 5km at a time
22) Get someone to go on a public charity run with me
23) Try brown rice
24) Buy dumb-bells (3-pound)
25) Drag mom along on a "book-buying trip"
26) Go on a very long walk
27) Finish reading "The Alchemist"
28) Finish painting my shoes
29) Hang out by the sea and write

Saturday, October 10th 2009

I was lucky enough to stumble upon the film "The Willow Tree" at the library @ Esplanade today. It is more of an artsy film, set in the Persian language. I have been looking for that film for two years, I started my search after I saw it for the first time at the Cathay. I'll always remember it. I still have the ticket stub in its original little envelope, its printing fading, barely legible.

I saw it for the first time in the year 2007, I rushed there to buy my ticket after school, and missed the first 5 minutes or so of the film, but it didn't change the impression it left me. I regretted not watching it another time while it was still at the theatre.
When I watched it tonight, I went back in time. I still remember the scenes, the silence, the tears. And of course, there's the self-reflection at the end of the film.

After I first saw the film, I longed to be blind. I think I just wanted my own world, the way I want it. My own private dreamworld filled with things and animals and people I love, not one that has already been filled with horror and disasters and shallow people. Yes, I longed to be blind. The thought of not having to see and comprehend is so comforting.

Most people can see, and most are complacent about it. They go through life never having to stumble about, helpless and blind. I, for one, have seen and prefer not to see, but when I think about it, there are still plenty of people who would give up their limbs just to gaze upon a sparkling sea or a full moon. This is the gift of sight, one that usually goes un-thanked for.

So, thank you, God, but if blindness should hit me one day soon, I will embrace it wholeheartedly.

Friday, October 9th 2009

"He felt it in his eyes. The orange flame stood dancing, just dancing in those deep, dark pupils as he gazed upon the fireplace. The crackling seemed deafening in the silence of his home. It was not always this silent. During the warmer months, one could hear the constant sloshing of water against the wooden stilts below, rhythmic, almost soothing, but once a year, inevitably, a thick sheet of ice would cover the lake, masking all sights and sounds of what lay beneath.

He heaved a sigh, his chest rising and falling with the current of air that rushed into his body and left the same way. "All that work," he thought, as the crackling grew more intense, "all those years, wasted," and he threw another one of his diaries into the mad, roaring fire.

The fire started to pop now, as if enraged by what it was forced to destroy. First, the pages started to singe, then suddenly all at once, like a streak of insanity, the fire gobbled the contents of the diary until there was nothing left but an empty hard leather shell.

A tickle. Was it in his throat? No, coughing did not help. Another tickle. It was coming from the depths of his body, his being, and finally he let it out in peals of frenzied laughter. His throaty, hoarse voice cut through the chilly air for miles around, and in the midst of the short pauses he took to breathe, he heard the icicles plunging into the wooden floorboards outside.

It left him breathless, clutching to the armrests of his chair. All the vitality of his youth grew weaker and weaker with the fire. The poet, the romantic, the adventurer all submitted to the beckoning of the dying flame.

Then, with the last breath, he blew the embers onto the curtains nearby. They quickly ignited, bringing the fire back to life. Had there been anybody around, one could have seen the grey smoke clouding the night sky, blocking out the moon, as the surface of the ice melted, allowing the last remnants of the lonely house to pass through.
A lonely house, owned by a lonely man the would never knew."

30th September 2009

Friday, October 2nd 2009

I just adore this shot. He was in the middle of a song when I took it. Love the lips, by the way.

I've added a new playlist, scroll down to view it. It's a compilation of my favourite pop and rock music, from Elvis Presley to Celine Dion. This afternoon, I listened to the "new" CD called "BEAN- the album" that I bought at Cash Converters for $5. I really liked it, full of happy music. "Walking on Sunshine" is very good for depressing times.
Then, of course, there are lovely, lovely songs like "Hanging on for dear life". I first listened to it when I was four years old, I remember singing it in the shower the day after I watched "My Boyfriend's Back". I spent more than 11 years looking for that movie, it's a big, big part of my life. The sound of this track is lop-sided, I seem to only be able to hear it through my left ear-bud.

While choosing the songs for my playlist, I remembered Elvis Presley, and quickly looked for some of the tracks I like. Now that I think about it, I forgot "Blue Suede Shoes", but that's okay. I just watched him on Youtube again, and my entire torso went numb, and I felt light-headed. He seems so alive in his videos, I still can't believe he's dead.
He's not just Elvis Presley the King, he's also Elvis Presley the painfully shy singer, Elvis Presley the little momma's boy, the boy who kept going back to the recording studio to pester the people there.

I also included classics like "Any dream will do". I first watched the video of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" at school when I was 12. You wouldn't believe the crush I had on Joseph! Hahaha! He was played by Donny Osmond, and now when I watch the DVD I just can't stop laughing. I like his singing, though, that's why I added another sweet number "Whenever you're in trouble". It's very comforting, I first heard it in 2007.
It was a bad time.

Mom and Dad were so angry when I told them last night that I had a voice lesson this morning. I had practised so hard for the lesson, and I was really looking forward to it. My parents were so reluctant to let me go, they said I should be studying, etc etc. Studying every day, every hour, before breakfast, after breakfast, before after everything, before I go to bed at night, and then awake ridiculously early to study again. This is unbelievable!
Luckily, I got to go anyway, and I enjoyed it so much. It was such a relief to be away from it all, just singing and singing, away from Dad and Mom and all the stupid people. The lesson was pretty good, too. I even earned an almond cookie! The practice paid off after all!

I've been writing an awful lot these few days since I saw the film "Finding Neverland". It just set something off in me, and I've been relying on my imagination to take me far away from real-life. It works for a while, but after a while, all my characters go mad.
There's the man who set fire to his house before he died, the ant who drowned itself in honey, a man who slit his wrists with his thumbs and laughed hysterically while blood stained the floor, a girl who screamed with laughter while hacking at her wrists with a saw, a deaf man who spent all eternity listening to his own laughter underwater.

All my characters turn insane, I don't know how to change it! It seems like the only way to end my stories, how can they end happy and leave a lasting effect, a strong impression?

Tuesday, September 29th 2009

I'm so glad Monday's over. I hate it when I can't get a seat at the library to study, because then, I can't study. It's a curse, I tell you.

Today was pretty productive. I went to the library at 10am and did Maths and SS. Finally finished going through the thick, thick stack of SOVA notes. I've highlighted all the important stuff, now I just have to go back and write down, for each artist, why they create art and what their style is.
After that, I came home and, while having a really unhealthy lunch of instant noodles and fried honey chicken wings, I watched "V for Vendetta" again. You know, that is my favourite political film because it stands for everything I believe in. Freedom, beauty, truth and love (whoa, Moulin Rouge flashback!).

I think "V for Vendetta" is the most romantic movie after "Love in the time of cholera".
Nobody can resist a mysterious masked man who can fight and cook and has a gorgeous house full of art and a really sexy voice and a way with words. I call it "intelligence with style".

Went jogging today, been eating a lot of junk food over the past few weeks. On my bad days I can actually see myself getting fatter. I'm probably being paranoid but don't want to take any risks. Must be toned and fit, that way I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Then, boots would look better on me, too.

I did the first chapter of music theory today, it wasn't bad, except I couldn't remember some of the counts. Sigh. I hope it will get better with time. I have got to get at least a 'pass' on my grade 5 theory, taking into the account the fact that I have never taken a music theory exam, ever. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I failed.

Sunday, September 27th 2009

All right, so I spent the day doing nonsense. I worked hard this week, so I met up with V today and checked out the new shopping malls at Orchard Road. They didn't impress me, Orchard Central was dead. However, I was excited about finally walking into the Dr Martens store, and now I have an idea of how much I need to work for to afford those boots. $300!!!
One month of work should be able to buy me a pair of boots and an iPod.

Also, we went to the score shop at Orchard, but they didn't have the theory workbook I wanted/needed. Then, we walked to Dhoby Ghaut because V had to buy yarn and needles, and try to find that "French for idiots" book. We picked out some yarn (she's making me home-booties!!! The colours of watermelon!) and bought the needle, but couldn't find the language-book. I remembered there is a Yamaha at Plaza Singapura, so we went there, and voila, they had the book I wanted/needed. They had several!
However, I only ended buying one, if only for now. At least the explanations are in English. When I flipped through the other books, I didn't understand half their explanations!

After I said goodbye to V on the way home, I took out the book and flipped through it, mentally trying out some of the exercises, and it seems that Grade 5 theory isn't so bad after all! I'm actually looking forward to it.

It turns out that we're not going to Hong Kong, or even back to Malaysia at the end of this year. We couldn't get any cheap tickets to HK, and we'll be going back to M'sia for Chinese New Year instead which, fortunately and unfortunately, is only several months away. I'll get to work on my theory and slow things down a little and lie with the cute little doggy Ruby every afternoon. The only things I dread about going back to M'sia are the relatives and the 8-hour drive. I may have cool grandparents, but we don't even speak the same language! We don't even speak!! Plus, there are a few really freaky kids there. It's really scary, they don't even act like kids. They don't cry or get dirty or laugh or play stupid games. They just sit there quietly, watching you.

Well, we're going to Bangkok for a short trip after Christmas, and I'm really looking forward to the shopping and the massages and all the other nonsense I can't normally do/get here. I shall leave Dad with Mom this time, no way is Dad going shopping with me again.

Friday, September 29th 2009

Boy, it's been an enlightening day.
Aren't these boots awesome?! I have the great urge to rush out and buy them, but 1) probably can't afford it at the moment and 2) don't have the slightest clue where to buy Dr Martens boots.
I do know of a few small shops that sell some Dr Martens, but nobody really buys them in this country, so they're probably a little (or very) outdated. Plus, they cost a bomb.
These are the "Dr. Martens Velvet 13 Eye Boot (Deep Red Velvet) - Knee-High Casual Boots". I shall hunt for them after my exams. Everything will be done after my exams.

I suddenly got the inspiration and urge to wear boots while watching "Daria" today, after noticing (after watching 2 seasons) that they wear Dr Martens. It's stylish, and it also says "go to hell".
Shoes with attitude, baby!

Anyway, I finally found out how to take screenshots on the computer, and I'm using it to the fullest/greatest advantage. The greatest photos are in the videos. Youtube or wherever. I also spent my afternoon (after slaving away at the library studying for 5 hours) watching more Philippe Jaroussky on Youtube, and I stumbled upon some interviews.
He began as a really soft singer, and only built up his volume over many years of singing. When he started, he was just like anybody else. He first encountered the counter-tenor voice when he heard Fabrice di Falco in concert, and since PJ always sang high as a joke, he knew he could do it, too, so he went straight to Falco's teacher and asked her to teach him voice. Mmm, daring!

It's really comforting to know that my favourite singer was like me once. With all the bloody child-prodigies nowadays, it's becoming more difficult to be truly great, especially in the arts.
I've been practising my singing almost every day, and I sure hope it's going somewhere! My Vaccai "runs and scale-passages" are getting better and faster, but I seriously doubt I'm up to "a sharp Allegro" yet. First, I've gotta find out how fast "a sharp Allegro" is.
I know what my problem is. There's too much tension when I sing, so it doesn't come out the way I want it to. Damn it! I should really invest in regular massage sessions. How does a person relax?

On an entirely unrelated topic, what's the big deal about the whole F1-race thing? I mean, I guess it would appeal to the everyday perverted man who loves to drink and drool over cars and lust after girls in bikinis. The girls aren't even good-looking, but people don't care because they only look at their bodies.
I have to admit that Kimi Raikkonen is still quite cute, but other than that, nothing about F1-racing interests me at all. What's more, the whole "fast-cars and skimpily-dressed girls" is just too sleazy for me. Too much competitive spirit forms tension, too, and there's so much money involved, it's ridiculous that people are starving on the other side of the world, on this side, too.