Wednesday,Feb 28th 2007

Where do I even begin?!

There was a Physics re-test on "static electricity" today,I think I did quite well.I knew how to answer every question,so that's good,right?Right?!I marked Zul's paper,she didn't do too badly,11/15.
It's the first test I ever felt ready for.You know,prepared and everything,having studied.

Another major thing that took place today were auditions for SYF.Well,Ms Tham said they were "preliminary" auditions because the people who were "pulled out" today were just told not to sing this Saturday.We're gonna have another round of auditions nearer to April.
I made it past this round,thank God.I used up so much of my energy being nervous and stressed that by the time the auditions were over,I was exhausted.The fact that I had been tired since I awoke this morning didn't help.Had a bad headache throughout the day.My head's still throbbing now as I type these words.
Am trying to set my own "record" for blogging for 10 days straight.Lol.

I think I forgot to mention that Mrs Low returned to school on Monday.For one thing,she's definitely different somehow.Softer.More easily hurt.Nicer.Somehow,I don't feel happy with her changed.It's like something about her will never be the same again.I'm not used to her being so nice.Not sure yet because today was the first time she came back to choir after she returned to school.
I'll always know Mrs Low as the strongest woman I've met.She used to scold people all the time,lecturing and things like that,but she does/did have a sense of humour.It's just so strange seeing her change so suddenly,but we all know we can't blame her.
We'll never know how it feels like to lose someone we love most dearly until it happens to us.

I just hope she's not trying to hold in all her emotions,trying to fake it through everything she does.She might go crazy if she does that,it feels terrible to have to bottle up your feelings just because you want people to think you're strong.

Ah!My eyelids feel heavy,yet I'm determined to stay up.It's only 9.09pm!
I realised that whenever I have something important like singing auditions coming up or things like that,it makes me want to eat unhealthy food like fried stuff and chocolate and snacks,I don't know why.It's that urge.It's weird.I'm weird.
I hope I don't lose my voice before the upcoming auditions next week.I can't afford to.If I do lose my voice or develope some illness before the auditions,I shall not enter the competition.I'd be courting death if I do.Maybe not death,but humiliation,perhaps.Public humiliation.
Being in a secondary school for girls is most dangerous,because girls like to gossip and rumours spread like fire.Bad news spreads quickly.The "badder" the news,the faster it spreads.Some even rejoice after receiving bad news of other people.
I just realised that I have to attend a concert by NUS choir this Sunday.I totally forgot all about it until Christine reminded us this morning at school singers.Not very excited about the concert because almost none of the sec 4s whom I hang out with are going.The ones who "are" aren't even sure they can make it on that day.
Darn.

Tuesday,Feb 27th 2007

Nothing much happened today,except the picture I drew (tried to draw) of Brendan Fraser and that little monkey in "George of the Jungle" during Art turned out like crap.Seriously.Luckily,he still looked human in my drawing,not some mythical creature.

It's such a comfort to be able to blog again,yet when I actually have the chance I can't type out what I want to say.So many thoughts and experiences..

Still obsessing over what to sing,auditions are next week!I think I'll probably sing the "younger" version of Billy Joel's "Tell Her About It".Go listen to Clay Aiken's version from American Idol 2 on Youtube.Luckily for me,they said we don't have to sing the whole song at the auditions,we can even sing the chorus itself,but that's only for auditions.
I guess it's the hearing-your-voice thing.

I feel really really tired.
We had Thanksgiving Mass this morning,but that's not what made me tired,I'm sure.Mass is usually enjoyable,but this time a little less because the classes assigned to sing didn't really sing out.Don't know if they were shy or they couldn't be bothered to.It was nice to get away from lessons and have mass instead,though.So many levels of the school cramped together in the hall,including the people who have just graduated,I felt safe somehow.You know,sandwiched in the middle of so many people wearing the same uniform,it's like we were one body,nobody could hurt us.
It was Chinese after that,we got back our compo,something about people donating spoilt/unusable things to charity.I passed it.
Physics after,we were given back our test on "static electricity",about all the charges moving around and stuff.I think 11 people passed and I was/am one of them.I was surprised,actually.I thought I would do really badly.I only got 8/15,but I passed nontheless.The highest was 10/15.It was amazing and fascinating to know how many people failed the test.It was so bad that Ms Lim has decided to give us a re-test on the same chapter tomorrow.

Having passed two things today,I feel I've accomplished something,like I'm not that terrible after all.Well,still terrible,but hopefully improving.

Monday,Feb 26th 2007

What a terrible day it's been.
I've been obsessing over what to sing for some time now.It's been giving me constant headaches.It's like having a closet full of clothes but nothing to wear,if you know what I mean.Only in this case it's having so many songs but nothing to sing.
I dunno.Like suddenly there's nothing suitable.
I'm quite tired,forgive me.There may be some Eng-related mistakes here and there.I didn't get enough sleep last night,I couldn't sleep.Why?I don't know.
Lets see.I have this issue I really need to type about.
Just because you dislike my idol does not mean you have to insult him.

It does not mean that you can make stuff up about him and insult him to my face.The worst part is saying it to ME.What,that he slept around and then turned gay?Are you blind?Heartless,perhaps?What's your problem?!Am I that transparent?Why can't I be like everybody else and idolize someone?
Oh,and if I say anything to insult you or your idol,there'll be dire consequences for me?When you insult my idol,I can't say/do anything?
Wake up,I'm human.
Can't you spare a thought for what it's like for me,for what I feel?
When did you become so insensitive?

Sunday,Feb 25th 2007

I think I'll squeeze in a blog entry before the internet cuts off-if it does.
I have to wake up extra early tomorrow because my brother needs to go to NS camp,somewhere in Clementi,and needs to reach there by 7am so we need to leave the house latest by 6.15am,which is perfect because I have to be early at school singers tomorrow to practice with my octets audition group.
I bought Josh Groban's "Awake" on Saturday when I went to Junction 8 with Kathleen to buy her ear alcohol solution thingy which she bought 2 bottles of.Just transferred the songs into my iPod mini,the songs I've heard so far on the comp are quite nice.
I mean,his music and singing ain't bad,you know?
I've been wanting "Awake" for some time now,I've finally bought it!!!
Frustrating having to go back to school tomorrow.So many things going on this week,I hate it.Math test tomorrow,SYF auditions on Wednesday,sign-ups on Thursday,Geog test on "Tourism" on Friday,combined choir thingy on Saturday.
What will tomorrow bring?
I hate that question,'cos I know I'll never know tomorrow.God won't tell me.
Tsk!
I'll just have to remember to bring my tuning fork tomorrow.Oh,and go over my notes for the test.

Sat,Feb 24th 2007

My conversations with people are getting more and more awkward by the day.
It's really frightening.
I hate awkward conversations.I hate anything awkward.It's not a nice feeling.

There was choir practice this morning.We had "sectionals" in our octets grouping.My little buddy and I were grouped together with other people,approx 2 from each section from the choir.At first we had to survive practicing,getting notes from my tuning fork because we didn't have a piano or pitchpipe with us.It wasn't that bad,I think,though troublesome to have to think so much about what the notes are,but maybe thinking more is a good thing so we don't rely too much on people giving us our pitch all the time,being so easy.
My other knee is bruised quite badly because of me hitting it with the tuning fork.
The octets trial thing was really horrible.It's not that we want to feel scared,we can't help it.It's always that thing when you tell yourself you're not scared,you shouldn't be and you can't be,but the minute it's your turn to sing,you turn to jelly.It's the rush of that cold feeling and breathlessness,not enough people to cover your staggering,thus making it so obvious.People can't help being scared.If people had control over whether they were scared or not,nobody in the world would be scared at all.
So why do they keep telling us not to be scared?!
It was pretty irritating to hear that people were so out-of-tune,but like I said,it's probably because they were scared.They wouldn't get into choir if they really were that bad all the time.In the end,every group was quite horrible,so mine wasn't that contrasting.I thought I did pretty well myself for the first few songs (or times we sang the songs) but Si Jia said she couldn't hear me at all.
Oh my gosh,maybe it really is true!Maybe my singing is only nice in my ears,in my mind!Maybe to other people,I'm horribly out of tune,maybe thats why my friends kept telling me to stop singing last year,or maybe it's because I sang all the time and they got irritated.
I won't be budged by that.I'll never know how bad I sound unless I audition,both for choir and the other thing which I'm pretty embarrassed about.
Still not sure what song to sing.I used to have so many good songs,but when I listen to them now and sing they don't sound right.It's freaky how your mind changes when something new comes up.
Considering "Someone Else's Star" by Bryan White,and "I Surrender" by Celine Dion.Celine Dion has/had such an amazing voice,I don't know if I'm that standard.Ok,definately not,but I still love that song.Hopefully we don't have to sing whole songs for the audition.I'm afraid that I won't be able to reach some of the highest notes.

Friday,Feb 23rd 2007

Have you ever feared rejection?
Rejection is one of my greatest fears,alongside negativity and failure.

It's like what I posted yesterday or so,stuff about CLB.It's being told that you're just not good enough,so you have to go.They did say they weren't forcing us to take CLB,but they did say they strongly encourage us to do so,"for our own good".
Today,we were supposed to give Mdm Hong our answers to whether we want/agree to take CLB or not.Asking around,people started to have second thoughts,even those people who were so eager to take it in the first place.
I think Dawn is quite willing.Cherre and Dels are okay with it,too.Not sure if they are taking it,though.I think there were some others who wholeheartedly embraced the idea of taking CLB.I know it seems tempting,it looks so easy.Everything's multiple choice!But where is it really taking you?
What happens after you do take the paper?Is the school lying about that,too?

I said no to CLB,thank God.I felt so..different.Mdm Hong even told the people whose names she read out yesterday to sit together at the other side of the class.It's like she was classifying us,you know?
Why can't everybody just stay the same,why is it so difficult to blend in?How come there's always something about you to change,to make you different from everyone else?
I thought taking Express English was bad enough.
People are never happy with themselves.They always want what other people have,that they don't.It's like people who are pure Normal (Acadamic) are jealous because people like me get to take a higher level of a certain subject.You think it's fun?You think it's good?
Everything's good and bad,I have to admit.
To all you pure Normal (Acad) people out there,be happy with what you've got.You can blend in well with everybody else.Why do you want to stand out and be different?Nobody wants to stand beside you,also literally.
No-one wants to sit with you unless they have no choice.No-one wants to partner you when the class is told to line-up.It's like there's no difference if you're there or not.It won't matter if you don't exist in that classroom,in that school.Why should they go out of their way to make you happy?You're a loner,they have their own friends,so they stick with them and leave the loner alone.
They talk over your head,they talk across you,you're transparent,you're invisible unless you really drill in the fact that hey,you're human and you really are there,you're flesh and blood.
I digressed.

Back to the point,rejection.God is giving me a second chance.It was/is frightening,yet pleasant.How come,you ask?
At the beginning of the year,not too long ago,they held sign-ups and auditions for people who want to perform on Opening Night.I thought no sec 4s were allowed,and I didn't have any courage to go anyway so I didn't.
Only after the auditions were held and sign-ups were closed did I realise how much I regretted not going,not trying out,just to see if I was good enough or not.This is quite embarrassing to admit,I'm telling you.I thought that sign-ups were closed,fullstop.That was it.
But only this morning,Lu Lao Shi announced something about IJ Superstar.It felt special,like I was hearing it from above.I know it sounds stupid,but after I regretted missing the Opening Night auditions,I've decided not to let the chance slip by again.
I'm gonna try out,unless there's a strict rule that says Sec 4s can't take part.I'd hate it,but if that's the case then there's nothing I can do.I guess I won't be too disappointed if they set that rule,because it won't be as if I didn't have the courage to go and audition,it's because they said no.
One thing I fear about it is rejection.
Rejection telling you that you're not good enough for this,thanks for coming and trying out.
Thanks for taking part,but you're not good enough,you're out of the competition.
Thanks for taking part,but nobody voted for you,so you're out of the competition.
Does the competition even go by votes or just judges?
I have seen too many people get crushed watching the American Idol auditions on TV.People get told that they're not good enough by their own idols.I felt so terrible for them,like I was being crushed myself.The thing you always loved to do,and your idol,whom you've loved and looked up to and followed for so long,just tell you that you sound bad,and your whole world turns pitch black.I imagined my idol doing that to me.
I'd run straight out of that room and jump infront of a car or fling myself off a building,no second thoughts whatsoever.
I only know the complete lyrics to one Chinese song,I hope it's enough,if I can get to the finals.Ha,ha,ha.Lu Lao Shi said Chinese and English songs are needed if you get into the finals.I'm not sure I can even make it past the auditions.
I fear that if I am rejected,my whole self-esteem and confidence will crash.Not only that,everything else will crash with it.My pride,my hopes and dreams,my studies.So many disadvantages to consider,I know,but what will happen if I never try?
Probably nothing,but I won't know how good I really am.Don't know if my singing is only nice to my ears,in my mind.Maybe it's horrible.
But you know,so what if I do make it?So what?You get the title,fullstop.What's in a name?I guess it's "you sing well",that's pretty much what every singer wants to hear.But,aiya.Here I am asking myself if it's gonna be worth it,be it if I make it past the auditions or get rejected straightaway,having all those disadvantages...
It's getting humiliated in public,but you can say that's not the worse that could happen.

Thursday,Feb 22 2007

I hate awkward conversations.
I've had so many of them in my life so far,I can't even count them.I wish I were trained to keep conversations going,flowing like water.I hate those awkward pauses!
They make me feel uneasy.
I want to learn how to carry on conversing without it being awkward,and I want to learn to think before I speak.You know,so I don't say the wrong things and hurt people or something like that.
How come when I talk to people,my mind instantly goes blank?!
Do'h!

I was so bloody upset today.
My Chinese teacher read out some names and advised these people to take CLB.I felt so insulted when my name was read!She did show us the format,it looked easy,and was tempting,but I told myself not to give in to it.I asked her if we are being forced to take CLB,she said no,thank God.
I have no idea why some kids were/are so desperate to take CLB when she told us about it.Don't they feel insulted at all?It's like telling us that we're simply not good enough and we're rejected from our present Chinese class,yet they embrace it wholeheartedly.They're crazy.
I just passed a Chinese test and my last two "ting xie"s and you come and tell me I should take CLB?
What's your problem?!
No NO NONONO I'd never degrade myself to that level.Never.
I'd rather jump off the top of a building than stoop that "low".
By recess time I was so upset,I was ready to stab someone with my fork.

It did get worse.
Accounts came.Ms Kalpana gave us back our test.I was already upset,so I spared myself from seeing the marks I got.I refused.I was ready to tear or burn it.I was entertaining the idea of tearing it more because then it'd be like "snow" if I threw little bits of paper in the air.
I knew I failed terribly because when we were given the test I had no idea what I was doing,but I admit it was my fault.I didn't really study because until now I have no idea what Kalpana has been trying to teach us this year.
More happened during Accounts,but I don't want to type about it.
Don't know where all this is going,esp about Accounts.
All I know now is that I'll never let myself be degraded to taking CLB.

Wednesday,Feb 21st 2007 post 2

I'm so bored,I decided to post another blog entry.

It just hit me seconds ago:How is a friendship forged?
Forge-to form or make,esp. by concentrated effort.

To form or make a friendship by concentrated effort?
Friend-a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Friendship-a friendly relation or intimacy.

So forging a friendship is to form or make a friendly relation or intimacy,and the person whom with you forge a friendship will become a person attached to you by feelings of affection or personal regard.
Regard-to have or show respect or concern for.

I never really delved into casual phrases/remarks.
It's amazing what it really means to forge a friendship,yet who can say that dictionaries are always right about what things really mean/are?

For example,love.
What is love?I have asked many people this same question,they all gave me different answers.They either came up with examples or could not explain it.
Lets find out what the dictionary says.

Love-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
-to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
-to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

Now take a minute to think about it.Ignore the dictionary meanings unless you strongly strongly agree with one/some/all of them.Ask yourself the question "What is love?"
People say "I love you" all the time,or "I love your hair!" or anything with "love" innit,but what do they really mean,and do they really mean it at all,or are they just saying it for fun,or to make you happy,or even to lie to you?

Wednesday,Feb 21st 2007

Y'know,it's amazing what cutting your hair can do for you.
In my school,short hair can do wonders,I guess.It may not make you popular,but it gets you noticed,don't ask me why.
It's been,in a way,a terrible week so far.No,nothing drastic happened,it's just one of those usual bad weeks.Aiya,I always have bad weeks lah.Visiting relatives can be good,yet bad.Is my comma in the right place?I hate it when those aunties have nothing better to talk about so they try to bring up a topic related to you,and come on,if they want to say something bad or negative about you,at least do it when you're not sitting there infront of them.
Gossiping starts there.Another root of evil besides money.
I mean,you have guests,at least have the basic courtesy to ACT nice infront of them,right?

Back to school after the CNY hols today,had some tests flung in our faces.Incredible,right?One during SS,one during Physics.The Physics one wasn't so bad,it was MCQ,and I didn't do too badly for it.How's 16/24?
Oh,how I dislike Social Studies.We were given about 1 period to study about "Problems of the British Welfare State",and then had the test thrown at us.It was nice of Mr Tan to give us time to study for it.I'd prefer to be given time before the test to study,because otherwise I wouldn't bother to study for it at all.
He said if we didn't pass it,we will have to come back to school every single day during the March holidays for lessons/remedial.Honestly,I have better things to do.Also,there's no way I'm missing choir practice for some SS remedial lessons.NO WAY!

Wow.This bold/italic feature is cool.How come I never noticed it before?

I feel like playing "The Sims 2" but I'm afraid to play with Nervous Subject because it's only 10 days till he becomes an elder.That's in SIM days,mind you,that can pass in under an hour.I've tried creating more Nervous(s) but I couldn't get the face right,dang it.The original Nervous is much cuter.

I feel like doing something unproductive now,but it has to be..entertaining.I think my brother took my "Moulin Rouge".Don't feel like wasting time on playing computer games right now.Should I watch a video or something?
Muscles aching from rock-climbing yesterday.A bruise on each knee (gosh,the one on the left knee hurts so much!) and I also bruised all my toes.
This is typical after rock-climbing,I assure you.

Sunday,Feb 18th 2007 12:38am

I'd better type this before I "get" disheartened again.
I've passed my most recent Chinese test!!!
We get one every week,and I passed this one!
Hooray,hooray.
Mdm Hong told me before Assembly on Valentine's Day,so that was good.It was so amazing,the news didn't sink in till hours later.
I know,I know,it sounds pathetic.I sound so excited about passing Chinese.You gotta understand that I haven't passed my Chinese in a really,really long time.
I told Mdm Hong not to be too happy,I may have passed this one but may not be able to pass the next one.She just told me to keep trying.
How to keep trying?
We aren't even told what to study,but I like it that way.It gives me a reason to not touch some weird textbook or anything like that.

Sunday,Feb 11th 2007

Self-awareness camp was great!The part about getting to know people better was/is quite true.The only thing I hated about it was the part about having to share your most treasured thing in your life.Hahaha.So many people cried,and you know the kind of situation where something they're crying about reminds you of something funny and you almost laugh but manage to hold back just in case people think you heartless to laugh when someone else is so down and crying about something?
I hate those situations.
After we broke camp I went to lunch @ Long John Silver's with Xueli,Wei Lin,and Daphne.We wanted Joey and Vanessa to come along,but Joey wanted to go home so badly,so we didn't force her.Vanessa was just lazy or something lah,so we didn't force her either,though they kinda spoilt it.Wei Lin was being grumpy because we chose to walk the distance of one bus-stop from CAYC to Hougang Mall instead of taking a bus.
BUT at least Long John Silver's cheered her up,she likes their food.
I came home,read all the little notes that my classmates put in my envelope (spelling?),felt happy,went to wash my face,switched on the air-conditioner and slept from 3pm-9pm.LOL.Then I was awoken by my father practically yelling at me to wake up,went to have dinner and a shower,and then sat myself infront of the computer.Time flew by and it was past midnight.I went to brush my teeth and slept till 11.30am.
What an awful lot of sleep,I hope I grew taller during the night!

Thurs,Feb 8th 2007

Hey everybody.
Tomorrow's Self-Awareness Camp day for me.
I'm looking forward to it,yet I'm dreading it too.
Today went okay,apart from the fact that we were under-rehersed for the walking in and all that.It was so scary watching such strong people cry at the funeral.I mean,yes,we're all human,but I'm not used to seeing such strong people cry.It seems so unnatural,because I've never seen them cry.
After the thingy a group of us choir girls went to have a drink at Delifrance.Then we went home,etc etc etc.I can't actually type much because my brain is pretty dead now.Today had been so exhausting.
Ya ok.Brain really dead.Type after camp.

Tuesday,Feb 6 2007

It's been such a depressing week,I don't even know where to start.
I don't feel like typing it.
Since I've heard the piece of dreadful news,I've been worried sick about Mrs Low.Literally worried sick.Worried so much until I felt sick or something like that.Since Monday morning I've been feeling pain in my abdominal (sp?) area and I've been having headaches and very short giddy spells.
Yet,I'm not the one who's really suffering.
It's like the world has turned a shade darker.
I don't know what else to type.

Friday,Feb 2 2007

Alright.
I finally had time to do the google-blogger thingy.Been procrastinating that for a week now because I've been so busy.
It's only 9.16pm now and I'm already feeling sleepy.Even when I used to sleep less and later,I never did feel tired so early.
School has been the same.I got pretty upset about a couple of things recently,but they weren't the worst.Anyway,one was failing my "ting xie" (Chinese "spelling" thingy),another was actually doing all my Math homework and being told that it's all wrong and I'm supposed to copy corrections from someone else.In other words,I tried so hard to do my Math work,I actually forced myself to keep up with the pace in class and do all my homework,but guess what,I've been told that it's all rubbish.
That's plain English for you.
"Ting xie" wasn't so bad,however,because yesterday I had the "ting xie",failed it miserably,I can tell you.3/11!It was so disappointing I crushed the list of words and threw it so hard it bounced.Yah,almost tore my hair out,but I survived.Today,we had a re-test on the same list of words.I did VERY last-minute revision,and I got a 9/11 for it.
Mmmm,who says last-minute revision doesn't work?
I'm just bloody pissed-off about the Math thing.I mean,come on.I used to fall behind in Math on the second day of school!The minute I fell behind,I gave up on doing my homework already,because obviously I hate Math like heck.
I know I shouldn't not do my homework,it's wrong etc etc etc but I didn't really care.Why do your homework and get degraded and all that even more?If you guys haven't already noticed,I can't handle rejection and negativity very well.I was ready to yell when my teacher told me I got everything wrong,but I held back lah.The school would probably side the teacher,since they've dealt with many...uh...bad students before.Can't remember that word lah.Contumacious?

There's choir again tomorrow.Oh,the horror of having to exercise 3 days in a row!I've been running.On Thursday,I ran 6 rounds of the school track before assembly.Today,I had PE.Apparently,I was the only person in the class who bothered to and honestly completed 10 rounds.Everybody else just gave up and/or cheated.Whatever.I refused to.I dunno,it would just make me feel like I'm deceiving myself,y'know?
What's in store for me tomorrow?Will it be another ordinary choir practice?Will I be left out again?

I think Emanuel Olsson,this Swedish guy,is a great songwriter.I think his songs are beautiful,very meaningful lyrics.Strong but sweet.He's a guy I found on Myspace through the CAS boards where they were talking about him being the original songwriter of "A Thousand Days".Then I discovered he put up a recording of "Just You".Man,I absolutely love "Just You".He has just replaced some "old" songs with "new" ones,I'm listening to them now.
If you guys have the time,maybe check them out.