Friday, July 31st 2009

It's been a long, long night, I tell you. Been staying up transposing "I Feel Pretty" again, the lyrics were hell to type in, had to make sure they were aligned, notes were correct, dynamics were there... I'm so tired, I made a couple of mistakes and had to correct them, which meant re-doing a big chunk of it. I can't even express emotion now, all I want to do is crash into my pillow, but even in my dreams, I see and hear myself transposing my music!
It's a curse, I tell you!

However, this "Finale" program is certainly cool stuff. Only thing bad about it is that the MIDI sounds terrible, but as long as it produces decent chords and all that, it's good for me! I'm so going to install this stuff on my laptop when I get one for poly next year. Composing with it is so much easier, my composition on paper was a miserable failure. I bet if Mozart had this software, he would've have written more music!

Went to Bugis library and Bras Basah complex today. Bought a 2nd-hand Maths revision book and some paper stumps, then went to Bugis Street to buy two tank-tops.

Anyway, I wanted to blog about something specific tonight. A few days ago, I found a photo of Philippe Jaroussky online and posted it on my blog, the one with him and all those plastic-haired people. That image has been stuck in my head for days ever since I first saw it, and I couldn't get rid of that image in my head and I couldn't understand why.

I thought about it today while sitting outside the Bugis national library, flipping through art books and doing Maths. First reason is probably because I've always seen PJ in formal-wear, a shirt and jacket, or even a suit. The most casual I've seen him in is a long-sleeved T-shirt and jeans. That photo I found online, however, had his top-half bare, so maybe it came as a surprise for me. Just not used to seeing someone who's usually so covered-up, bare.
Second reason would be that he looks delicious in that photo. To me, at least, since you guys know I have weird tastes. It just occurred to me today that my favourite singer is not only talented, he's also sexy as hell!

I had a good listen to his songs again today, those that I found boring before, and suddenly, I heard so many beautiful things that I'd missed out on before! Vivaldi wrote some pretty good vocal music, why isn't it famous?
Anyway, PJ is my role-model in music. One day I shall sing as well as he does, or better! To sing like him would be great enough, how would it feel to look like him?

Thursday, July 30th 2009

After two straight hours of transposing "I feel pretty" on my computer tonight, I still haven't finished! Too tired and practically going blind from staring at the screen and the tiny notes on my sheet music, I've decided to stop there for tonight. I have till Saturday to transpose 3 of my songs for my pianist. Dad is on my case, as usual, so can't use the computer for too long each day, so it's pretty limited and rushed. My priority now is my voice exam, but I have to admit, I'm worried about my 'O's as well.

Finally finished that damn ACS(I) paper. Did a drawing of a 3-sided mask, too, so I let myself watch TV before dinner. Wanted to go jogging today, but felt too lazy since I was watching "The Simpsons", so I didn't go. Shall have my "Kraft's creamy Mac & Cheese" for lunch tomorrow, am looking forward to it. Been craving mac & cheese since I did research on the top 10 mac & cheese(s) 2 weeks ago!
Awoke around 9.30am this morning, so I watched "Snow Cake" while having breakfast. Good think Dad was out till 12+, not because there were any love scenes or anything, but "Snow Cake" is one of those very 'human' movies that are to be watched in private, with lots of emotion and weeping and laughing. Very intense. Alan Rickman is at the top of my "Male Actors" list now. That's his picture up there. I never really knew him as "Snape" in "Harry Potter", but I noticed him when I watched "Love Actually". He's really good in sweet, emotional roles. Fantastic actor, I must say.

I had lunch with Dad at the AMK Hub food-court today, and while Dad sat at a table, I went to buy my food. I went to the Ban Mian stall, and ordered my food. Then, this woman came along. Fake eyelashes, high heels, make-up flaking over oily skin and all that. Anyway, she wanted to order some noodles with extra meat, but didn't know how to speak Mandarin, so I asked if I could help. She told me what she wanted, and I repeated the order to the counter-people in Mandarin. She was so grateful, she kept thanking me. I felt pretty good about myself. My Chinese might suck, but I know just enough to survive, and even help people, for that matter!

Wednesday, July 29th 2009

Can you even believe that that's Philippe Jaroussky? No, no, not the weirdos with the plastic hair. The guy in the middle with his hair sticking right up is him.
I was looking for pictures of him (specifically, the one of him in a suit and black butterfly mask) on the internet last night when I came across this! I knew he was in a couple of operas, but never did I think this!!! Now I think he should take off his shirt more often. -wink!

Well, it's been a pretty long day. Started it off doing Maths, then went for lunch with Dad, but couldn't eat very well because my growing wisdom tooth is making that spot of gum sensitive, so I could only chew well on/in one side of my mouth. After that, I went to the photo-shop to print some sources for my Art. Also printed some other nonsense to give me inspiration and motivation in different aspects of my life.
Philippe Jaroussky for my singing, Charlie Chaplin for my character, photos of my friends for support, and finally, photos of me, to remind myself that it's good to be me.

Went to the library @ Esplanade after that, wanted to borrow a couple of chick-flicks, but only managed one, so I borrowed some artistic films. Those mexican films where people sing are growing on me. I borrowed a James Dean movie, Loony Toons, Futurama, Little Rascals, and a CD of harp spanish-celtic music.
Sat in one of the window-boxes in the library, contemplating studying there or at home, since a big group of girls were nearby laughing and sharing jokes.

Deciding against it, I went shopping instead! I went over to Peninsular Shopping Centre (beside Peninsular Plaza). I set out today, wanting to buy a bag, but I returned home with a hoodie jacket instead. Good thing is, it is one awesome hoodie!!!
It's green with bold, black stripes across, very expressive, yet classy. I paid $15 for it. It probably isn't even worth that much, but I didn't have anyone intimidating with me to help me bargain, and I looked so harmless in my denim overalls and little backpack, so I gave it some thought, walking around and comparing prices. In the end, I went back and bought it.

I actually went there for a plain, white backpack to paint Charlie Chaplin on, but found none. Fate was against it! Instead, fate was for the cool hoodie I've been looking for for years.
After that, I took the MRT home, in Marina Bay's direction so I would be able to sit and do Maths. Stupid ACS(I) paper. When I got to Ang Mo Kio, I went to collect my developed photos, shuffling through them as I walked, sniggering to myself. Bought bubble milk tea from Koi Cafe, bought some long white socks to go with my rollerblades, and headed home.

It was strange to go shopping in that "Ulu" Peninsular Shopping Centre. Everybody there is foreign, they come from different countries and places, but they help one another and they trust in each other so much as to watch each other's stalls and shops. It was heart-warming, and also a little sad, because everyone of them came here to make a living. This society is so screwed-up, I tell you.

I called my exam pianist tonight, and will have to pass her the transposed scores on Saturday. $70 per hour, tuh! If I ever end up teaching voice, I'll be RICH. I'll be able to buy all the massage chairs I want, any kind of pet I want, paint my room any colour I want, etc etc. I'll build my own house on some mountain-top! (Yes, yes, Xiulin, one day in the distant future..)

Sunday, July 26th 2009

Whoa!
I watched "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" tonight, remembering I used to love how Adam Garcia looked towards the end. The sober "Stu" is way cuter than the drunk one, and I remember doing research on him a few years ago. I don't think I found very much. Tonight, I googled him. I thought he was hot, but I had no idea how hot (!!!), but I shan't go on about him. All the hot men are starting to look the same to me.

Am currently listening to Vivaldi's mandolin concertos.Quite calming, I like the sound. The mandolin sounds like a tamer, softer, more gentle version of the banjo. The banjo sounds more sharp and twangy. This mandolin sounds closer to a lute, quite dream-like. Good music for studying and/or day-dreaming, both of which I've been doing a lot.

Went for my voice lesson again today, teacher tested my sight-reading. I almost had a nervous breakdown! As I sang for her, I tried to control my breathing as I counted the rhythm in my head and tapped it with my foot, and juggled those things with sound and deciphering the language of music; notes, rhythm, rests, time signatures. I stumbled a few times but managed to get through alive. To my surprise, she said I was okay, and she's not at all worried about my sight-reading, that it was decent.
I only half-heard her when she was talking after the impromptu sight-reading test. In my mind, all I could hear was "WHEW!"

Other than that, the rest of the lesson went quite well, and I left happy. I'm sounding better every week, and there's more excitement and emotion in my songs, which is good. I'm having 4 more lessons, then I have to sit for the exam.
I'm scared to death, I'll admit it. I've never sat for a music exam before, and I don't know what to expect of the acoustics (expecting the worst), examiners, and tests. I don't know if I will have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the 15 minutes, or if I'll sing the wrong lyrics, or forget to prepare for high notes, or say something wrong. I pretty much know my songs well enough to pretend I know Italian, German and Malay, so I can just fake my way through it if I forget what each word means, exactly.
The weirdest thing is, my voice teacher has already started talking about next grade's exam. She's going to Macau to teach music, so I don't know how it will work out but I want to continue studying under/with her. I don't quite know why. I've come so far under her tutoring, so I know she's that good. Also, I probably don't want to switch teachers because I don't want to have to get to know new people again and again. There's too much pressure, and too little time.

After my voice exam, it's full-fledged studying, day in and out. I'm going to start staying up late to study, and I'm going to get all my Art sources printed out so I have no excuse for not drawing them. Usually, I have to draw from the computer and there's no time for that, since my Dad grumbles when I use more than an hour per day, so I've been putting off my Art. No more excuses! Math is going pretty well, but only because it's the subject I've been doing most of. Every single day! I know it should be like this, but then I keep putting off my other subjects that are just as important in getting me where I want to be/go. I need those 'A's, they are crucial!
I've never,in my short and nasty life, hoped for an 'A' for Maths, but there's no reason why I can't get it for my other subjects. My Art is decent, my Geog is good (and I like it!), and I hate SS to the core, but I'm sure my language can get me something out of it, so after 12th Aug I'm going to work like hell and earn my trip to Venice next year!!!!!

Dad did object to it a few days ago when I asked him about it, denying he ever said I could go there after my 'O's this year. He changed it to "after you finish Poly" instead. I didn't get too upset about it, it's not as if he shouted it at me or anything. I know if I work hard enough, I'll get what I deserve, what I want (which also happens to be what he wants- for me to do well and get into the course I want, which happens to be one of the toughest courses in Poly), and when I do well I know he'll start wavering and come around, with help in the form of persuasion from my Mom. By then, nobody can deny me my trip to Venice.
At the beginning of this year, I promised to save up to $3000-5000 for my trip, but I actually planned to work (job) all year round. Since I can't/couldn't possibly do that, I think I can manage $2000. I'm halfway there now, so it's not impossible. My Mom offered to pay for the ticket and accommodation, so it's not bad. She could easily take it away from me, so I've gotta study like hell for my exams to earn it.
Yeah, I believe that if I work hard for something, I'll be rewarded somehow.

Saturday, July 25th 2009

I did it! I got my ear double-pierced!
It's a little higher than I would've liked, but it's still good. Just gotta get ear-rings of different sizes for each piercing since one is higher than the other.

Did some research online last night about piercings, and found that rubbing alcohol actually irritates the skin, and that saline solution is the best. (That stuff's for cleaning wounds, injections, etc.) The bottle says "Sodium Chloride", so it's probably some salt mixture that kills germs by making them shrivel. "Bits & Pieces" used alcohol on my ear, but after that I went to buy some saline solution that comes in cute little disposable bottles. It throbbed with pain for a while after I got it pierced, but after about an hour with one application of saline, it didn't hurt anymore/at all! Amazing what saline can do, I'll never use alcohol on my piercings again!

My original piercings, I got in Sec one or two. They got infected, I kept putting alcohol on them, believing that it would make the wound heal faster, but 2-3 years later, they still kept hurting! The wound opened really easily, so it hurt a lot of the time. Now that I've had experience, I think it will be good this time. I'm going to keep the stud in there for at least 2 months!
I say, the ear-piercing people have the worst tastes in ear-studs. The studs are so thick and huge that the star doesn't look like a bloody star anymore!

Friday, July 24th 2009

Hey everybody! Beautiful night, all cool and slightly windy, the dark sky half-shrouded by white clouds. It's been threatening to rain all day, but apart from the heavy rain I was vaguely aware of while I was snuggled under covers in my lovely warm bed early this morning, it hasn't rained a drop.

I went jogging today, took an hour and a half. Felt really good about myself, got home, drank lots of water, then stretching and all that. Then, for dinner, I had lots of rice, soup, veg, and 3 chicken wings.

Here's something I've been thinking about for a couple of weeks now: double-piercing. I made up my mind when I was about to fall asleep last night! To be honest, it isn't an original idea. I got the idea from some TV show on "Okto" called "Prove It!" One of the presenters has a double-pierced ear (that's right, only one ear is pierced) which I think is pretty cool, quite interesting. (It doesn't hurt to add that it looks totally hot on him. Whoa, momma!) A pity I've already had both my ears pierced. Anyway, what I mean by "double-piercing" is that a second piercing is added beside the original one, just a little higher. If you connected the dots, you'd see that it's sort-of like a diagonal line down from the second to the first. (This is really bad imagery, so I'm just going to tell you that one ear has one piercing, and the other ear has two.) When small silver ear-rings (I mean the original round ear-ring, not those fancy whatsits people wear nowadays) are worn, one in each piercing, you'd have two ear-rings together, side by side, on the same ear. I think it makes a really interesting statement, but I'll have to figure out what statement first. In any case, I'm gonna add a piercing to my left ear.
V teased me and said I should just get a tattoo instead, if I really want to express myself. Hah! No thanks, have you SEEN tattoos? It's like screaming,"pay attention to my hideous dull-green-and-red-inked skin!" Plus, they stretch with you, when you get old or fat, or shrink if you get thinner. Also, goodness knows how people get them off the skin! Do they use a cheese grater or something? Maybe pay an extravagant amount of money for some chemical peel! Come on, man! A piercing is much smaller, doesn't cry out for attention (maybe just not as much) and is easy to get rid of. Just take the ear-ring out! Simple!
Also, I'd probably take all my ear-rings out when I hit 50 or 55. No use dressing up at that age, it's time to retire and lie on beaches or look at the sky all night or eat all the ice cream I could ever want. Who knows if I'd even live that long!

Mom wants me to bake muffins with her this weekend again, so lots of exercise in store for me. I'm the batter mixer, and when you're baking with mom, no amount of mixing is ever enough! Plus, she doesn't really do anything, she just stands around and instructs, occasionally measuring cups of flour and sugar. I suffer like hell but I know it's good for me. Shall get my piercing in the evening, then. Something new is always exciting.

Thursday, July 23rd 2009

After spending the last few days in front of the television, I finally have the motivation to study again. Dad was out of the country for a while, so I watched whatever I wanted to watch, that I couldn't watch for a long time. It's really great to watch things in private. Good to laugh in private, cry in private, shout comments at the TV in private.
Total privacy!

I had to achieve a higher level of procrastination again, much like I did when I tried to study and work at the same time at the beginning of this year. Since working was like hell to me, I enjoyed studying and it became my comfort, and somewhat, relaxation, strange as it sounds. After I stopped working when my 3 months were up, I was happy, and could finally study in peace. All those months of work made me realise that I'd rather spend a lifetime studying than spend a month at some dead-end job, so I had my fuel. It went well until I finished an entire Sec 4 textbook in 5 months, cramming at least 3 years' worth of Math into my brain. Since I was never any good at Math (4/100!), it was like re-learning everything, and I'm darn proud of it now.
Anyway, after I finished that textbook, I slowed down a lot and lost my motivation. I've started on my second textbook, but haven't made much progress. Granted, I've been doing a lot of tuition work as well as TYS, but that's still no excuse. So, what I did these past few days was watch TV, film after film, programme after programme, until I got sick of it and started craving something else, something more wholesome and worthy of my time. Voila!


Went to Bugis library today after lunch, did my TYS and some bloody difficult ACS(I) prelim paper. Now I understand why they're always the kids getting into the top schools in the country. You'd never believe the standard of the paper, I wanted to rip it into confetti and throw a party with it.

Having spent a couple of hours slaving away at the ACS(I) paper, my TYS seemed relatively easy and I more or less breezed through it, so I'm not too upset. In fact, I'm pleased to say that I actually deserve to come online tonight.

My SS is still most worrying. It seems I can't stand SS so much that I can't bring myself to study it. I tried writing notes for it, and I can remember a lot, but it's not going well. I'm gonna try harder at it, at least get over the hate for now, until the exam is over, then I can hate again!
My Art is not going too well, but it's much better compared to SS, so you can more or less imagine how badly my SS is going.

On top of all this, I still have to transpose my exam music!!! (Not to mention, practise for the exam itself.) My brother is only willing to install it during the weekend, and I have a voice lesson tomorrow and Sunday, and I fear that my teacher will chop off my head for not transposing it. I need the computer programme to transpose it. If I did it by hand, goodness knows what might happen. I may compose a whole different piece altogether!
I'm hoping, though, that the programme is some cool thing that will allow me to compose music and listen to it being played by instruments. Electronic, but instruments nonetheless. It will be my outlet for stress after my voice exam, before and after my 'O's. I think it's quite a healthy outlet, as opposed to taking drugs or sniffing glue or whatever stupid things people do to relieve stress.

Watched "The Biggest Loser" again this evening, and I have inspiration and motivation to exercise again. The aim is to be fit, not thin, but if I should get thin while being/getting fit, so be it! Shall go for a jog again tomorrow after my voice lesson, I've been eating potato chips by the bag. Going rollerblading with Naz on Monday, she asked suddenly, so I agreed. Turns out she doesn't know how to rollerblade, but really wants to, so maybe I can teach her how, and learn something myself.

Monday, July 20th 2009

Finally finished watching "Maurice", and I think it's beautiful. It's great that they overcame fear and gave in to love. There were parts of the movie that were boring, but there were interesting parts, too. I came across an excellent quote today:
"It's sadly ridiculous that love should ever have to be hidden.

Violence is so open and accepted yet love between two people is bound by prejudice."

Watched "Farinelli il castrato" again today, I've only ever watched it twice, and the glamour of red and gold always captures me. I want to sing in that hall one day. The hard, concrete walls of my house simply can't compare.

I've been listening to recordings of my voice lessons, it's strange to hear how far I've come since I started in February this year, and even more strange to think about how I couldn't open my mouth big enough when I first joined a choir. It took me 5 years to do that, and until I was 15, my mouth never opened more than 2cm when I sang.

My voice teacher told me months ago, "I'm surprised you have not given up yet." I thought it was bad at first, but she went on to explain that a lot of people drop singing when they realise it's not going to come to them overnight. I don't think I'd be doing myself justice if I ever gave up singing, it's my greatest outlet, release. People may not hear my words, but more often than not, they hear my singing.

Two weeks ago, my voice teacher told me to look up some other songs in category 'C', as if to say she was having second thoughts about the song "I Feel Pretty". I was having a little trouble with the emotion and the highest note, so she thought I could sing something else, short and sweet. To be honest, I wasn't the least bit happy about it. It doesn't make sense that I can't sing it well, so I went home, I practised and practised. Being stubborn can be a mighty good thing.
I was supposed to show her the list of songs from category 'C' when I next saw her, but I didn't. I refused to, not knowing if it was wise or not. We conveniently "forgot" about it. She didn't ask me to sing "I Feel Pretty" that week, so that meant that I had another week to work on the emotion and high note. Practised like hell. This week I went back, I had to sing it for her. It must've been good, because she said I've come so far on this piece, and she's so proud.

Hah! Praise from the top! All that hard work paid off, there was emotion, and we worked on the high note together. Apparently, it's within my vocal range. I can reach up to high G, but I can't seem to keep my voice at high F without it breaking, so we tried actions and ways to keep it there. I could finally do it, but no guarantee I can do it every time, so we thought it would be safer if I sing it at a lower key. With that said, I have to do the transposing myself.

Two nights ago, I watched "Funny Games", an artsy-fartsy movie that I wanted to watch when it was showing at the "Cathay" last year or so. It's a foreign movie about two serial-killers, very smart, very evil. They preyed on rich families staying at houses by the lake. It's by far the most disturbing film I've ever seen. There's a lot of psychological torture, not so much of blood and gore. Really, really terrifying, but I think they could've been more creative with their choice of weapons and how they killed people. Do away with the guns and knives, you know?!

Wednesday, July 15th 2009

Ahh, at the computer once again!

It's been an overall relaxing day, I did some studying in the afternoon, but somewhat less than usual. I finished Paper 2 of a Maths past-year paper, and I tried to do some of the "Vectors" topic from the textbook but gave up after about 4 questions. T'was too confusing.

Forgot to mention that my tuition teacher got a little too excited for my comfort on Monday. It was about my getting a file for my worksheets, and she suggested getting a ring-file so I can flip with ease, and a cover-page so I can write all the headings and tick off the ones I've done! Talk about weird people! Her voice got higher and higher in excitement as she spoke about the file, I was totally freaked out but didn't say anything. Felt uncomfortable just sitting there.

Went down to the library @ Esplanade yesterday evening, borrowed up to 8 audio-visual items! Well, the limit is 8, so I had no choice but to stop there. Two are CDs- one Mozart, one Vivaldi- and the rest are DVDs. Most of them are foreign, I'm beginning to really like foreign films. I saw a nice Turkish one on "Filmart" recently, and it had that 'silent goodness' that allow viewers to feel emotions of the characters. The storyline was a bit peculiar, though. I love the film "the Willow Tree". It's still my favourite, about a blind man who regains his sight, and realises that the world is not as beautiful as he hoped.

Been doing some research on running shoes. I've seen some models under "New Balance" but haven't tried them. My "Nike" school-shoes are the best ever, good fit, good grip, everything, only I've used it for almost 3 years now and my shin is starting to hurt while jogging in those shoes, and the "Nike" tick is peeling off slowly, so I think it's time to get new shoes. I just feel kind of guilty because some people don't even have any shoes to wear, let alone jog in, and here I am spending about $100 on a pair of shoes! I have a $40 voucher so it'll put a dent in it, but $60 is still a lot of money. That could feed 30 people for a month or so!

Went for voice lesson on Tuesday, it was a good session. I got my exam time and date, it's on 12th Aug, afternoon, so I've got about one month, which can zip by in a blink of an eye! I'm so thankful I got an afternoon slot, I sound terrible in the morning. Well, voice teacher says, "good", I'm getting better, making progress. I can hear it too, more emotion, with a more focused sound. I felt like I was the character in each song!
"O cessate di piagarmi" is about heartbreak, unrequited love, full of wanting to die and pleading and ice cold hearts and torture.
"Seligkeit" is about a really happy boy, daydreaming about a pretty young thing named Laura, and he feels ecstatic with just a wink or glance from her, then sings and dances and wants to live in that state forever.
"I feel pretty" is about a girl singing about a boy she loves, and she looks into the mirror and gazes in wonder at the beautiful girl that is herself, and sings about how she's loved by a pretty wonderful boy.
"Dayung Sampan" is about some Chinese immigrants rowing their boat to Singapore, the land of promise, in search of a better life and better future.

How ironic to come here in search of a better life and future.

Monday, July 13th 2009

Jeremy Duncan is another one of my heroes. You can find him in "Zits" comic books. He's your typical teenage kid whom I can totally relate to. Despite constantly mumbling under his breath about his parents, he's a pretty good kid, works hard, plays hard. Every time I read "Zits", I feel like studying, so it acts like my motivation while making me laugh.

This is V and I on our way home from Clarke Quay the other night. We were on a crowded bus, squeezed into a one-person seat. Just don't understand why they have to use so much space for wheelchair-spaces. What are the chances of having that many wheelchairs on the same bus? Anyway, we gave up our seat for this old man, so we felt pretty good about ourselves, until the bus became super-crowded and we kept being glared at by this other grumpy old man. Didn't know what his problem was, but I was so relieved to get off that bus.

I've finally discovered Facebook, though I haven't actually done anything on it. It does seem exciting to be discovering something new, and it's actually pretty happening, but I have no idea how to work it. They use different terms and everything! Also, it is the slowest website I've ever been on. Lags like hell! It took me forever to type a poem, commenting on a photo.
It was nice to be greeted with a warm welcome when I went on Facebook tonight, but I haven't accepted any friend-requests or anything. Added a few people, but only because I want to see what they're pages look like. Interesting to delve into each human mind.

Out with Kat and Gerv at Marina Barrage for my birthday celebration. They are two sweet people, they made my choir years very enjoyable. One thing changed, though. They're less loser-fied now, which is a little bit sad since their loser-fied acts brought laughter into any given day.
Anyway, we had much fun taking photos and trying to keep the hair our of our faces. Marina Barrage is a beautiful place to be, the perfect place to write poetry. Too bad it had to be man-made, and the grass is off-green and filled with bugs.

Had tuition this morning. Each session seems to be less enjoyable than the previous one, and I got really upset with a particular question in some stupid paper we were going through. I had no idea what the hell she was saying, and I couldn't express the number pattern in terms of "n". Stupid "n".
One good thing, though, is that I seem to be able to do most of the questions in the papers I couldn't do one year ago (and for the last 10 years, for that matter), but I don't think it's because I started tuition. Tuition must've helped a little, I've learned some things, but nothing compared to the effort I put in during the first half of this year. I taught myself at least 4 years worth of Maths in 5 months, diligently, knowing that it's up to me, if I want it.
Now I realise that I don't hate Maths anymore, I just strongly dislike tuition. Maths isn't too bad when I can do it. Granted, my Maths is far from being perfect, but it's a lot better now than it was before, and I owe it all to the hard work and effort I've put in.
Feels pretty good.

Sunday, July 12th 2009

This is the official "Bruno" movie poster. I think it's nice they got him to stand in a field of flowers that contrast with the greenery and blue, blue sky. It's like poetry, only more crude.

This is the photo I've been trying to upload. I like his hair! This picture is from a Japanese movie "Detroit Metal City", in which the main character sports a "mushroom cut". I think it's really cool, it has personality, even though other people in the movie call it a "dickhead haircut"! Everybody's hair looks so boring. The same hairstyles everywhere, it's as if everyone selected styles from the same hairstyle catalogue of 10 pictures.
I was thinking of trying out this hairstyle the next time I need a haircut. Of course the back would need to be at least 2 inches longer than mine is now, so it's going to take a while, maybe a few months. By the time my hair actually gets long enough, I may have found some other cool hairstyle that I want to try.

Whoa, I love this feeling! I don't feel the need to blend in with other people, or follow fashion trends! I noticed it a while back, at least a year ago, when I started painting my bags and making my own hair clips. Then, I wanted plenty of overalls (Joe Dirt), and painted carrots on my shoes (in memory of Rabbit) and put bells on them! Then, of course, came the dreadlocks! They were pretty, darn cool, though maintenance was hell, and they got a bit weird at the end, which is why I took them out. I'll have them again some time in the future, maybe when I retire and visit some Caribbean island.
I dress how-ever I want! It's this kind of freedom I crave, and one day when I set out on my biggest world-adventure, I'll have all the freedom I want, every type of freedom (except maybe financial!) :D

Went to watch "Obsessed" with V yesterday, it was an intense movie, psychologically disturbing. One is quite tempted to say, "she's crazy!" while watching it. I noticed how they emphasised the closeness of the married couple at the beginning. It was a relief to get out of there when the movie ended, it was almost annoying as it was scary.
After the movie, V and I headed down to Clarke Quay. I wanted to try the Churros at this Spanish Street Food place. We ordered an over-priced "mixed platter" to go with it, but no drinks, because there was no way I was paying $3 for a bottle of water. After dinner, it started to pour really heavily, so we put our hoods over our heads and braved the rain, running over to Liang Court, where we sat down at Starbucks for hot and cold chocolates, then took a bus home.
It was an experience being at Clarke Quay at night. I've always wanted to know what I've been missing in the bars and pubs there, but it didn't look happening as we gazed into each. People just sat drinking, smoking and talking. I think it's more of a blessing than a curse to never be able to get drunk in my life.

Just watched "Hi-5" on Youtube. I remember when I was younger, I would jump around on the sofa to the catchy songs they sang, while Dad was asleep in his room. My favourite song they sang was, and still is "L.O.V.E.". Pretty catchy, and quite sweet. Now that I think about it, it comes as no surprise to me that my favourite "Hi-5"-er was Nathan Foley. He was the super-enthusiastic, curly-haired one. Of the five of them, he had the most personality. Strange, my choice of people always seem to be particularly interesting in some way. Individuality, baby!

Wednesday, July 8th 2009

I can't wait for "Bruno" to be out! Sacha Baron Cohen has a nice ass, and he knows it. His muscles are quite nice, too.
I'm still not old enough to watch "Bruno", but hey, there's always online, right? There is, however, one bad thing about watching things online. Remember I was watching "Maurice"? I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT. It's that difficult to watch things on the computer unless it's some cartoon. People kissing on a screen is considered porn. My parents don't know that cartoons can be dangerous, but that's beside the point. The good stuff aren't in the cartoons!
This is the disadvantage of still being 18 and not 21. Anyway, that aside, I love Sacha Baron Cohen's ass ok. It is now number ONE on my ass list.

Feeling a lot better after spending the past 2 days sleeping. Thought I was coming down with something, but feeling better now, so I guess not. Guess it's not time to die yet. Spent my day at the library doing exercises on the topic "vectors" and wrote another chunk of my story of Sough. I think it's a great story, very sweet, but it's going rather slowly.

It's going to be a busy, socially-demanding weekend, so I guess having a boring week isn't so bad. It's my 3rd day being 18, and I must say, nothing much has changed. It does have its movie advantages, but it's not as if I haven't watched M18 movies before. Who do they think they're trying to kid, they can't keep them from kids forever. Television is evil, you know.
The only thing I dread about being 18 is having to vote for our country's leaders. I think it's 18. How can I vote for someone I don't even know?! The worst thing is, one is forced to vote, so ends up casting his vote randomly.
It has suddenly struck me that anything that's age-restricted is corruptive/ing. It's good that people try to prevent these things -such as gambling (4-D and casinos), smoking, drugs, pornography (R21 movies)- from reaching their children, because look what it does to adults! No doubt children shouldn't be involved in politics either, thats why children aren't allowed to vote. I never felt the urge to vote for the country's leaders. Politics is bullshit.

Tuesday, July 7th 2009

It's a full moon tonight, an imperfect beauty in all her splendor.
Today, I'm going to try and blog in Italian. I haven't been practising it, so it will be terrible. I had to look up the dictionary a lot!

Aiuto! Non mi sento bene.
Ho mal di testa, e mi sento stordito. Ieri sera non dorma bene, così oggi sono stanco. Provato a fare matematica, ma controllato soltanto due ore prima troppo afferrare. Lezione cantare ciò mattina, io sono stanco, non benissimo. Esame la musica in agosto!
Io fritto!!

Mi pensare io avere raffreddore, ma non lo so ancora. Forse avere H1N1, hahaha! Forse, forse.
Bene, ciò era molto difficile. Buonanotte a tutti.

Monday, July 6th 2009

Didn't feel very well today, so spent most of my day sleeping. Had 9 hours of sleep last night, during which I had the most peculiar dream.
I dreamt I tried to kill myself six times. It was all quite real, I did it with a medium-sized steel blade. The first four times, I slit my throat, at the soft part below the chin. I did it not horizontally, but vertically, the blade travelling upwards. In my sleep, I could feel the blade slicing through the flesh at my throat. The pain was very sharp, and the blade was cold steel, a great contrast to the warm blood. The blood gushed upwards to my mouth, threatening to choke me.
The fifth time I tried to kill myself, I sliced through the veins in my left wrist. Perhaps it wasn't deep enough, because it didn't even go close to killing me. The sixth time, I sliced through the major artery under my left arm, where it adjoins the body. It's supposed to drain me in 2 minutes, but I didn't lose enough blood to die. I felt so disappointed in my dream. Why couldn't I die?!

Sunday, July 5th 2009

This is Alan Cumming.
He looks somewhat like a pixie, but I think it's quite cute. I'm glad that blogger has finally allowed me to post pictures again.

It's been quite a depressing day.
It started off happy, though. You know how you wake up in the morning and there's this crisp feeling in the air, excitement on special days like your birthday? Even the weather outside was lovely. Mild sunshine with a cool breeze, clear skies.
As the day moved on, it started getting worse. I really didn't want to have dinner with my family, as it is almost always never a happy occasion. There's always someone mean or grumpy, and a quarrel would break out. I had to, though. My parents forced me to stay home and have dinner with them, so I had to choose a place to eat at.
I had some trouble with that, because everything I rarely get to eat is expensive. It's only on these special occasions when I can choose what to eat, and it's very, very difficult to have meals with my family. I love cheese and pasta and heavy meat (lamb, beef, etc), but my parents hate cheese and refuse to eat anything with cheese in/on it. I don't really like Chinese food because I'm too often forced to have it at gatherings or other people's birthdays or weddings. My brother doesn't like anything spicy. So, it has become a pain to have meals with my family.
I spent my entire afternoon dithering about where to eat. I did research on the internet and read endless reviews of restaurants and their food. I've been wanting to try authentic French food, but I'm a little worried. What if I don't like it and waste my food and all that money? The Italian food is expensive here, but I've already had authentic Italian food in Italy (Whoa! <3),>thick, liquid chocolate to dip into). I think I'll go there sometime.

Anyway, Mom was being mean all afternoon. She's always been this mean, she needs to say something mean to amuse herself. She even suggested that Dad and I go to dinner without her, because she "won't like the food" at the places I chose. I was so upset, I tell you.
I cried like hell in my room while trying to do Maths, and outside the sky cried with me.
In the end, we went to dinner at Marche so everyone could choose from a selection of food. We ordered chicken, lamb, paella, mushrooms, potatoes and finished it off with a single slice of chocolate fudge cake, shared. It didn't end badly, but it wasn't a good day.
When we stopped by at Toys-R-Us, it allowed me to forget about being my 18 year-old self for a while and re-live a childhood that seems so long ago.

Friday, July 3rd 2009

Wanted to upload a photo of Alan Cumming but unfortunately, there's something wrong with Blogger at the moment, so I can't upload it. Next time, then.

I didn't do any Math today. This is really worrying, because I've started to dislike Math again since I got a tutor. It's so frustrating, I don't even want to type about it. Instead, I spent the entire afternoon sorting out my room. I packed some drawers, re-arranged my CD collection and hung up my new notice boards, all on my own! I have 4 surrounding my bed now, and each one is stuck with different things.
The one right at my head is stuck with pictures and words I love. It's full of things closest to my heart. Another board is stuck with my exam schedule, aims, motivations and quotes from my heroes. The two new ones are going to be the Strength board and the Etc board. Strength board is going to be filled with things to remind not to give up. Part of the board dedicated to Charlie Chaplin, to remind me of what he went through and who he eventually became. Also, his tramp character always remains positive.
I quote Charlie Chaplin, "A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure."

As of now, I have 2 days to my 18th birthday. I don't feel quite ready yet, I think I'll put off the club-visiting and all that stuff for another 3 years. It's just that I don't want to be an adult, their world is a sad, sad place. It's full of pain, war and sex. There's nothing great about being an adult except being able to buy your own plane tickets.

I've been revisiting my past over the last few days. I just wanted to remember what it was like growing up. The past 4 years of my life has been recorded in my ipod, every song tells a story, every song takes me back to where I was at that point of time I heard it. So, I took some time to re-charge my ipod mini and listened to each song on the player, revisiting my past, every moment. I forced myself to listen to the most painful songs, most difficult. It was painful, but a relief. It's a comfort.

Wednesday, July 1st 2009

My evening was spent on the computer. Initially, I intended to go for a jog at Bishan Park, but it started to drizzle, so I stayed home and lazed about. I wiled away my time watching interviews of Alan Cumming and Ewan Mcgregor on Youtube, and the first quarter of the film "Four Weddings and a Funeral". Very British, I like the humour. Interesting character portrayal, too.

Alan Cumming and Ewan Mcgregor are two of my most liked celebrities. They're very frank and open, and comfortable with themselves. Ewan Mcgregor doesn't try to hide anything when he's being interviewed, and as for Alan Cumming, he's openly bisexual and comfortable with himself, his own body. Confidence is the key. Where on earth do they get it?!

That aside, I went to lunch with Dad today before I went to the library. While eating, he suddenly said, "your birthday is coming, you know right?"
What made him think I don't know my own birthday? I usually wait silently until people start to realise that it's approaching, to see if they remember. It's always nice to receive something I've been wanting for a long time, but my parents don't know that what I want most can't be bought with money.
All I want is for my family to be more supportive, more loving, less negative. I want Dad to be a calm, wise and happy old man, my Mom a cheerful, happy-go-lucky woman, less paranoid, and my brother less of a selfish jerk. My sister's all right, but maybe with less mood-swings. I wouldn't mind not having enough to eat or afford luxury items, I just want a supportive, loving family. Think Charlie Bucket. No wonder he loves his family so much.

Dad has been going out for mahjong sessions more often nowadays, almost every day. I'm a little worried, because I don't like gambling. I like gamblers even less.
I'll only ever gamble with my life, never with money.