Sunday, January 31st 2010

Mom can be such a bitch at times. Thank goodness I'm going to Poly so I can drown myself in work and extra co-curricular activities. I've been spending too much time at home, and I need to get out and have a schedule to follow and subjects to study for. Staying at home is taking its toll on me, it's suffocating.

I honestly cannot wait to get back on the academic track. Studying has become somewhat a sort of comfort for me, I can get lost in it and be away from any sort of communication for hours on end. I'd have an excuse not to face the usual assholes.

Once I get my timetable and subject notes, I'm going to study like hell. School should be conducive enough for me, and I shall do over-nighters at Changi Airport and on weekends I can go to the library @ Esplanade to study. I shall study for 5-6 days a week and still manage to squeeze in Maths and Chemistry tuition and my choir CCA and my social life, and perhaps any other extra stuff (part-time job at school? volunteer work?).
I think 2-3 hours of studying per day should be enough, I can squeeze in some studying in-between classes/lectures. It'll give me sufficient time to revise what I've been taught so as to embed the information securely in my mind. It will be useful when it comes to tests and exams, because I won't have to struggle so hard then, I'll just do light revising to remind myself of the things I've learnt.

I've got to start at the beginning if I want to do well enough to enter a good University, and the Uni of Edinburgh is quite competitive. I've done my research: I have to sustain a GPA of 3.5-4.0, which means many many "A"s and the occasional "B+". It would be best if there were no "B"s, but I'll allow it in my first semester since I didn't take Chemistry in Sec school. After that, there shouldn't be any "B"s anymore, I really, really need to do well to go somewhere far away from here. Chances are, my parents won't have enough money to pay for my incredibly costly medical education, so I'll have to earn it myself, by doing well at school and earning a scholarship or something. I don't like the idea of taking up a loan, be it from banks or people we know. If I really want something, I'll just have to get it myself.

Thursday, January 28th 2010

I had a moment of clarity the second I opened my eyes this morning.
When I was Sec 4, I had a Biology test to study for. All through the years before that, I could never be bothered with the confusing components of the human heart. I could never name them, for some strange reason. There were just too many long names. So, it presented itself as a challenge for me. This upcoming Biology test was on the human heart, it's components, functions, blood and blood vessels. Basically, the circulatory system in mammals. Anyway, the test was the very next day, and that night, I was at "night-study" for my 'N' levels. I decided to study for it.
I made sure I memorised all the placements and components of the heart and blood, exactly which side of the heart, which vessel leads to where, de-oxygenated or oxygenated. By the next morning I could remember it all by heart, and got people to test me on it. When the test eventually came, I aced it. From them on, I realised that I love Biology because I can do it well if I try. Then, came Hannibal Lecter.

I had watched "Silence of the Lambs" before, but it didn't really interest me that much. The film wasn't actually about Hannibal himself, but more about Clarice hunting down another killer, Buffalo Bill. Then, came "Hannibal Rising". That got me started on the whole series. I love the artwork in it, and the part where he slices open a heart is just fascinating.
I got my inspiration from there. I started studying hard for Biology and setting out my plans for the future- to get into the medical line of studies, go to University and eventually Medical School. The road will be a long and very tough one, but I've already started. Now that I'm finally in my course of choice, I'll work towards University.

I originally wanted to attend Medical School in Edinburgh, but now it's University education seems like the perfect challenge. I considered the most prestigious Universities like Cambridge and Oxford, but I don't think I can make it. Temasek Poly is recognised by Uni of Edinburgh, so it shouldn't be too difficult. All I have to do is commit my time to studies and put in effort to do well, but not forgetting CCAs and some volunteer work. If I start working hard in Year 1, it should be do-able.

Now, Temasek Poly. Next stop, University of Edinburgh!

Wednesday, January 27th 2010

BIOMEDICAL SCIENCE, BABY!

Just this morning at 8.47am, I had the exquisite sensation of having a choice between becoming a dentist or doctor. Through JAE, I was offered "Dental Hygiene and Therapy". JPSAE came late, so I only got to know the outcome of JAE first. I wasn't too disappointed with the whole dental lark, actually. Being a dentist will enable me to gaze into the horrific depths of people's mouths, with which they use to eat, smoke, have sex, kiss, etc. I'm sure there would be plenty of gruesome diseases there. Plus, I have this OCD for people brushing their teeth properly with good skill and toothbrushes.
However, when the JPSAE results were released, I was totally speechless. I mean, I worked so hard for my audition that I fell ill and lost my voice. I still wasn't sure if I would be accepted or not, because I didn't get to do anything impressive while singing "Voi che sapete", because it was cut short. I made it clear at the mini-interview that I wanted "Biomedical Science" very badly, and listed it as my first choice. The chances were slim, because that's one of the toughest and most-in-demand courses. I don't know why I always pick things that are out of reach. I guess it gives me motivation to work towards it, knowing that for me, nothing is impossible because I want it. Just because I want it.

No kidding, it was a long way here. I suffered like hell, you should've seen me. I worked so hard for this, and I deserve every bit of this victory, but I will share it with Mrs Low. If it weren't for her meticulous CCA records, I'd never have made it. Plus, she made sure we went for competitions, concerts, any extra activities. I love and miss my choir, but I'm going to move on to another choir. Maybe I can create change there too. Yes, I'll create good change wherever I go in life.
I'm gonna be the best doctor/surgeon ever! (The ultimate goal: Hannibal Lecter)

Oh, about the Nicole Kidman photo..
I've got to say, "The Invasion" is one of the scariest films I've ever watched. I enjoy it because NK looks so beautiful. She has this intense, lovely face, even in a scary film like this. It comes a close second behind the foreign film "Funny Games". It's not the 'ghost, BOO!' kind of scary, but a very insane, twisted kind of scary. Psychologically. I would rock at Psychology if I ever get to do it.
(Dels, you should really go into Psychology, man.)

Sunday, January 24th 2010

I suddenly have the greatest urge to write another love story.
Most of the stories I've written so far have nothing whatsoever to do with love. The characters in those stories always end up killing themselves. Of the few love stories I've written, none of them are between a boy and girl. Strange. I just don't find that interesting.
I have also concluded that who we are now is the result of how we were raised. The culture, the music, the films, the friends, all of them mould us into people. Nobody was ever born gay, their preferences were altered as they were growing up, through encounters of different kinds. There isn't, however, the least bit of a need to categorise oneself. Freedom is the true beauty of life, even the tiniest ounce of freedom can give someone the strength to live on.

I have yet to complete the story about Lune and the artist. It is lovely, how he falls for the boy in his painting. Very human, he learns to overcome the fact that Lune has blue skin. I've discovered that society is incredibly unreasonable towards those who are different, and I have been more than patient and tolerant in dealing with it. Is it really worth living in fear? Surely life is not worth living unless we have nothing to fear?

I went to bed at 10 last night, thankfully, in the dark. When my sister came in at 4.30am, she switched on the light and re-arranged her things, making no effort to conceal the sounds. As a result, I was jolted from the comfort of sleep, and tried to block out the sound by listening to music on my mp3 player. She eventually went to sleep, and I was left tossing in bed, unable to fall asleep. Finally, at 5.30am, I got out of bed and took out my Maths textbook, hoping to find some consolation and comfort in the problems I knew how to solve so well. I only managed a few before I gave up, tormented by the pain in my nose with each inhalation. In the end, I turned to "Love in the time of cholera", read about a chapter before I finally felt ready to fall asleep.

Saturday, January 23rd 2010

I spent last night frantically going through every dictionary in the house.

I am horrified by the fact that there aren't many words that start with 'X'. It scares me that my initial has no roots, no links to the English language, yet it is what I speak. I went online and looked for words starting with 'X', and thank goodness, they had more than the dictionaries boasted. However, none of the definitions had any real meaning that could be applied to human life. The only plausible one was "xenomorphic". It means "of strange or no true form", but it isn't what I'm looking for. It's not deep enough.
This is incredibly depressing.

After that, I decided I wanted to learn another writing language. The easiest ones to learn are the ones that go by alphabet. I took out my book of codes and languages and flipped through to find a language I liked. I finally chose Enochian over Theban. The latter doesn't look as mystical as the other, and I really wanted to learn something with a beautiful script. It's going to take some time learning it, though. The language I created is relatively simple to learn when compared to Enochian, although I take comfort in knowing that only I know it. I've got to develop its script into something more beautiful than mechanical.

Friday, January 22nd 2010

I think I'll go for a haircut next week.

I was thinking of a pixie cut, you know? Short and neat, but not the least bit nerdy. I think it would go very nicely with my double-pierced ear. Then, when June comes around I'll decide then whether I want to put in my dreads again. I can no longer picture myself with one of those long girly hairstyles. I can, however, picture myself with all sorts of crazy styles, sticking out in all directions, dreadlocks, cornrows, you name it, only I don't think I'd look good with cornrows.

For the past few days I've been at home, nursing myself back to health. PJ's CD is very soothing. After the audition, my throat totally died and I came down with the flu. I'm starting to feel a cough coming on, and my nose just won't stop running. It's actually gotten sharper due to all the blowing. My poor nose.
I've stayed silent for two days now, I quite enjoy it, actually. It's a relief not having to answer to anybody when they ask me something, especially since most of their questions are quite stupid. I can't even laugh vocally. I have to do it in a whisper, that requires no using of my vocal chords. Even closing up my vocal chords hurts my throat, so I try not to do it. It's incredibly difficult since they do it on their own when I listen to something, it's a reflex I've developed over the years from singing. Yes, I like keeping quiet and having an excuse to, because usually people demand answers when they ask questions.

A few short messages for some people.
Danielle: Thanks for helping me with my audition preparation, they only let me sing a part of it so it was uncalled for, but it gave us the opportunity to catch up. Thanks, and let's hang out again sometime.
Vanessa: Hey V, I know you've been busy studying, so we haven't had the chance to talk recently. When is "I love you Phillip Morris" going to be released here?! We've gotta catch it together. Also want to watch "Alice in Wonderland". Meet up soon!

Thursday, January 21st 2010

Can you believe I used to have a crush on this guy?
When I first watched "Alegria" on television when I was 10, I promised myself I would love tribal things like this. I wanted to go to New Zealand and Hawaii (and eventually, I did!). It seems hilarious now when I think about it, but as a little girl I stood in awe, watching the Maori people do their traditional dance. They use every muscle in the body, it was amazing to watch.
I haven't watched "Alegria" since then until today, when I finally decided to watch it on DVD. I wanted to see why I liked that guy so much, and I guess I realised why. Just look at him! He is, however, only cute with his make-up on, but that's beside the point.
Plus, the thing with the fire? It's incredibly sexy.



Also, I spent the entire duration of the DVD ogling at nice bodies. Check out this guy. His upper body is slightly larger than his lower half because he uses more of it in his act, but it's so beautiful. Loving the abs, by the way. Absolutely beautiful.

Wednesday, January 20th 2010 (post 2)

I'VE GOT IT! IT'S HERE!!!!!!!

It's so clockwork-like, it's almost scary. I'm definitely being watched by someone from above, no longer can I accept the excuse of "it's just coincidence".
Earlier today I typed about my audition. After that, I went to watch "My Boyfriend's Back". Then, at exactly 2.30pm, I received news from HMV that my copy of "La dolce fiamma" has finally arrived! I've been waiting for that CD for 3 months! The guy at HMV classical said that actually, it arrived with an earlier shipment, but he wasn't working that shift, so it got sold at $26. I bought it for about $20 today because of some "New Year's Sale". Whoa!
I was all smiley and walking on air when I finally laid my hands on the CD. It's so magnificent, so beautiful, so special. I've been wanting more 17-18th Century music by PJ, his last albums were "Opium" of French art songs and "Monteverdi: Teatro d'Amore".

This is incredible for me. I worked so hard for my audition that my throat is so sore and I lost sleep and caught a cold. My nose won't stop running, yet I've been blowing it so often, it's sore as well. Add cramps and we've got a winner! I've listened to half the CD, I can't bear to listen to the other half yet. It's been so beautiful so far, the music is so soothing. It's my Jaroussky Therapy.
There are plenty of high notes on this one, and everytime I hear him sing one, my throat hurts. However, it's a happy kind of pain. If I died now, my heart would be full of music.

Wednesday, January 20th 2010

I'm in desperate need of Jaroussky Therapy. What I want is my new CD (which still hasn't arrived yet) and a glass of wine, but since I have this awful throat and I don't have the CD, I'll have to make do with what I already have, and not drink alcohol.
I wonder if alcohol is good for sore throats? It does act as a bacteria-killing liquid, but I wonder if it will worsen a sore throat?

I've just returned from my audition at Temasek Poly. It went generally well, I suppose. My "Voi che Sapete" was okay but wasn't impressive, because I only got to sing a little bit of it before the audition came to a close, so I got nowhere near the impressive middle. Other than that, the aural pitching and rhythm exercises were good, or so I was told. The conductor was friendly, so the whole ordeal wasn't too scary. Altogether, there were 4 people in the audition room; the conductor, the conductor's "friend", the choir teacher, and I.
Two other kids went for the audition as well, and they weren't bad at all. In fact, I hope I get into the course I want through choir, I hope the choir wants me. I lost a whole night of sleep yesterday because the damned song kept playing and re-playing in my head, and I was so afraid of waking up with a sore throat, so I couldn't sleep at all. Perhaps I subconsciously didn't want to fall asleep because sore throats usually appear overnight, and I've been practising too much (yes, whoever says that practice is never too much should go to hell) and my voice is going, going, gone! Luckily it survived through the audition. Now that I'm home, I'm feeding my poor throat cherry Cepacol lozenges, and drinking a lot of water. It even hurts to talk, so I'm keeping quiet for a few days.
The choir teacher seemed happy enough, so I think I probably will get in, but I won't pin my hopes too high yet. Better wait and see. The other kids in the holding room told me that if I get in, they'll slice off 5 points from my original aggregate! If that's the case, I can get into Biomedical Science! Only bad thing is that Tampines is so far from home, but if I get to study what I like, who cares, right?

..Right?

Monday, January 18th 2010

I spent the afternoon getting into character. I read through the score of "Le Nozze di Figaro", trying to decipher Cherubino's character and personality. They didn't do a write-up or analysis of him, so all I found out is that he's this good-looking teenage page boy who is thrilled when he discovers love, the feeling of love. All the ladies are caught up in his affection, but his one true love remains the Countess, whom he obsesses over.
I suppose he's the type to have a cheeky grin plastered to his face most of the time. How does one get into a character like that? I find myself struggling to keep the smile plastered to my face while singing his song. I'm not used to it, for I usually frown while singing. Bad thing. Also, I need to keep my eyebrows lifted throughout the song to keep the placement high, and you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to do, especially when you're trying to express frustration and sadness.
Transition of moods, emotions and placements are slightly better today after hours of solid practice, singing it over and over, trying to smooth out the sound and rhythm and mood changes. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because the song kept playing in my head. I've listened to it so many times that the orchestra plays in my head when I sing that song. I have to sing it acapella at the audition, so I hope it'll sound good. I pray, pray, pray that the audition room has good acoustics.

Here's a Youtube video of Maria Ewing playing Cherubino, singing "Voi che Sapete". Unbelievable, how it looks so easy. Try it yourself and you'll realise it'll take at least 10 years of training to sing like that. Pretty impressive, and I think she looks attractive in this role.

Sunday, January 17th 2010

I spent my entire afternoon drawing this guy. He was supposed to be in charcoal, but I thought it would be difficult to do it in charcoal since the drawing is small, not to mention the killer details. I didn't use this exact photo of him because it's a little blur.

Finally submitted my JAE application on Friday morning. I took the opportunity while Dad was out. I find that my tolerance level is dipping considerably. I feel annoyed when people hover over me while I'm trying to do something on my own, or join me while I'm watching a DVD. I don't know why, I just can't stand it. It got so bad that I chose to stop watching the DVD just so my brother wouldn't continue sitting there beside me.

On another topic, I've discovered that I quite like Alan
Cumming's blog. http://www.alancumming.com/blog.php
Take a peek sometime.

Besides drawing Johnny Eck and reading Alan Cumming's blog, I also went on Youtube to search for videos of "Voi che Sapete" from Mozart's "Le Nozze di Figaro". I felt so terribly lousy once I heard the professionals. Oh No! I'm going to drill like hell for the next two days. I forgot to mention that I have a choir audition this Wednesday, and I have picked that aria over the French art song "Nell" by Faure. Both are equally difficult but easy to sing. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try.
"Voi che Sapete" has a lot of emotional changes throughout the song, plenty of dynamic changes too, so the singer has to be able to change emotions and dynamics smoothly, and use both head and a little chest voice for the lowest parts of the song. It's in Italian, so the pronunciation isn't too much of a problem. The character, Cherubino, sings about his frustration in dealing with a new found feeling- love.
"Nell" is in French, so the language itself is a problem for me. I feel that my French doesn't sound authentic enough to be passed off as French. Dynamics are moderately soft almost throughout, so it's a problem at the high notes, though there aren't too many. Mood remains lovey-dovey throughout. Some of the intervals, however, are killers.

So, there you go. I finally settled on "Voi che Sapete" only for the fear that I'll be labelled as a snob if I sing French when my technique isn't even that great, and for an entrance audition, too! I would call it "trying too hard". Not so worried about the piece, more worried about the sight-singing test and aural. Grade 4 seems like such a long time ago, you know? I hope their sight-singing test will be super-easy.
Temasek Poly wants some people for their choir, so somehow they found me through the JPSAE application scheme. Spooky, because I originally didn't even apply to that poly through JPSAE, but what the heck! I went for the mini-interview, filled out a form, took a photo, got to meet the choir teacher herself, for it was her who called me up in the first place. Thanks to Mrs Low, I could show them my impressive CCA record and list my past competitions and post under "achievements". Exxcellent.
I'm hoping I can get into Biomed there through JPSAE, but I guess if I really can't, then I'll settle for something related, like Biotech. They still learn the same things like anatomy, microbiology, etc, so I can still enter medicine courses in Uni. Man, I don't deserve to suffer like this, struggling to get into Poly again. This is ridiculous! If you saw my art, you'd give it at least an A2. I can't believe they gave me a C6! Damn assholes. I guess I can't really blame them, they must have a hard life themselves.
Mrs Low used to say I can never be a teacher, because I'm always too strict. We used to audition new girls for the choir, and I always gave the lowest marks, but only because they were really bad! I always had to hold in my laughter, and it wasn't always successful.

Meh.

Thursday, January 14th 2010

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

I can feel it seeping away, bits of my brain dissolving into the vast nothingness that television has so mercilessly created over all those wasted years of my pathetic childhood. Fate taunts me ceaselessly from her dark corner, laughing hysterically every time I get beaten to a pulp, over and over by the very people who gave me life.
They mock me endlessly, towering over me with their tall and mighty frames, childishly pointing their stubby fingers at my splitting head. It doesn't end, it never ends. Perhaps momentarily after they die, I would be able to find some peace, but not for long. In my dreams, they haunt me, at a degree of sleep I cannot escape. They smile at me, they laugh, with every word she speaks, she stabs me once.
I cannot run, I am powerless. Help me, help me fight back.

Wednesday, January 13th 2010

I miss Phuket. I miss it to the point that not even photos can cease my insatiable longing for it, its flowing water, its powdery sand, its lovely people, even its hellish sun that beat down unrelentingly upon the back of my neck. The way and pace of life was/is so comfortable there that when it stands in comparison with Singapore's, the latter withers down to a pathetic nothing.

My parents have been arguing with me non-stop about the choices I'm making for JAE. True, I didn't do as well as I hoped, even for Maths, but Maths was the only one that had any improvement from last year's results. I worked hard for the subjects but I guess they didn't like my Art. Also, my combined Humans grade stayed the same. Good thing they take the better of the two Art grades. I've spent months, a year thinking about what I want to put down as my 12 choices for JAE, but my parents are being incredibly disagreeable. They're unhappy because I refuse to put stupid choices like "Law and Management" and "Pharmacy Science".

Call me stubborn but I couldn't care less about the law, and pharmacy science just doesn't interest me. I have no desire to spend 3 years doing chemistry on pills and tablets and solutions. I want to cut things up, dammit!
As for the law, it's just plain stupid. People keep coming up with new ones just to be able to fine people if they don't abide by them. Also, they come up with the stupidest laws, but I won't elaborate on that. It's just that people are so greedy, you know?
My parents even admitted that law is a very lucrative profession, so that makes it good. I feel so utterly disgusted with them right now, I can't even find the right word to describe them.

I keep wanting to submit my JAE application with the choices I've decided on, but they keep stopping me. I just want to get it over and done with so I don't have to wake up every day knowing it's going to be a difficult one, full of arguments about my "stupid choices". How could they be so insensitive? Is it all a game to them, so I can go into the profession they choose for me and shower them with all that dirty money?

Such assholes.

Friday, January 8th 2010

Prince Randian was born completely limbless, but his entire torso is intact. He was able to shave, roll and light cigarettes, among other things. He had a wife and was a father! He had to roll or rock around on his belly to move around, but mostly had his assistant/son carry him from place to place. Amazing man.

I reached another turning point, a milestone, today. I bought alcohol for the first time and the counter person just let me! No asking for ICs, whatsoever. Well, I have to admit I only bought a small bottle of Moscato, because I couldn't afford any big bottles, but still! It's a pretty good one, though I liked the red one better. The white one reminds me of a wall corner, don't ask me why. It's the only way I can describe it.
My family opened a bottle of red Moscato last week and I found it surprisingly pleasant. I usually can't drink very much, but Moscato has half the percentage of alcohol a normal type of wine has, so it's all good. Finally, a wine I can drink!

My dear Rabbit's first death anniversary is swiftly approaching. It's the 11th of January, he suffered in frustration for a week before death finally took him.
I remember when Rabbit died, I was still at Esplanade library. When I came home, we buried him at the field under a lovely tree, and went home again. I walked into my room, locked the door, and put Mozart's Symphony no. 25 in the CD player, turned up the volume, flopped onto my bed and closed my eyes.
Strangely, I didn't cry. I had done my crying in the MRT on my way home, remembering how I kissed his soft, furry cheek before I left the house that morning. I still remember it now, the softest fur was just below his ears and in between them, how he always felt so warm when I cuddled him every night before I put him back into his cage, how his mouth would turn orange after chomping on some carrot, how he would be so picky with his food and leave out all the disgusting-tasting compressed hay-sticks.
My lovely, lovely Rabbit.

Monday, January 4th 2010

Which one would you marry?

Both were handicapped, but equally charming, handsome.
Johnny Eck is the guy on his hands. He was born with very tiny legs, but they were never functional, so he taught himself to walk on his hands as a toddler. Incredibly talented, he drew, painted, drove race cars, trained animals... Plus, he was a very bright student.
Angelo Rossitto, however, mainly acted and sold newspapers. He acted for most of his life. He had dwarfism. He's incredibly cute, don't you think? Handsome.
Next post, I'll feature Prince Randian.

My brother borrowed Tod Browning's 1932 film "Freaks", and I liked it so much I watched it twice before returning it to the library. I don't understand why the UK banned it for more than 30 years, it is a great film, very eye-opening, very inspiring. The plot is simple, but the cast is extraordinary.

We need to be reminded every once in a while, how lucky we are to be physically well-formed, how lucky we are to be able to afford the things we need and want, and just to be satisfied with who we are and what we have.

Only through humility does one gain wisdom.

Sunday, January 3rd 2010

Three questions

1) Why are my parents so obnoxious?

2) Why can't boys wear their trousers properly?

3) Why are our last toes always so ugly?

Friday, January 1st 2010

Since midnight I've been receiving text messages wishing me a "Happy New Year".
What's so happy about it?

I guess I do feel a little relieved to put the past year behind me. After all, it was pretty awful, but it helped me learn a few things about myself. With that said, I have a fear that history is going to repeat itself.
My results will be released in two weeks, and I don't feel ready for it. I still want to do so many things, been practising and revising for my voice lessons, painting, writing more stories...

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I think my voice teacher wants me to study music, because she wants to talk to me about "where I'm going if I don't get into any of the schools here", and I'm also considering going overseas to study if I can't get into the courses I want here. My parents are strangely supportive about the overseas-studying. I feel a need to get far away from here, it's suffocating me.