Sunday, August 30th 2009

Oh my gosh!

I've been craving a zombie flick recently, and I thought I'd watch "Resident Evil" tonight. Who am I kidding? I just watched the first 10 minutes of it. They haven't even shown any zombies yet, but I'm already scared silly! It's not fully loaded yet, but I'm not sure I want to carry on watching.

I used to have this recurring dream when I was a little girl. I dreamt that I was running from some things. I ran to the public toilets and locked myself in a cubicle. They soon caught up with me, and tried to claw and climb their way into my cubicle. I saw that they were doll-like creatures, approximately the size of Chucky, but they had green skin and a big, bright pink circle on each cheek. They just kept clawing and trying to squeeze under the door and climbing over the partitions to get to me. I would always wake up, covered in perspiration, and my parents had to comfort me.
The strange thing was that I wasn't afraid of lying in the dark, waiting to fall asleep again. Going back to sleep was what I feared more, because then no one would be able to save me. I can't control my dreams, nor myself in them. Now, I don't have that zombie dream anymore, but I have scarier ones.

I have added "Caro Figlio" to my playlist. It's a duet by Alessandro Scarlatti, from "Sedecia". This recording is sung by Philippe Jaroussky and Virginie Pochon. PJ was 21 when he sang this, 3 years after he started voice lessons. Since this recording, it's been 10 years, and he's come a long way. Notice his part is almost always higher than the Soprano's.
Men singing like women don't surprise me anymore, but they still impress me. It adds an attractive feminine touch to the music. Men sounding like men don't impress me at all. Any man can sing like a man. (In tune or not is another thing altogether.)

It rained for most of today, so I stayed home. I spent 3 hours playing "Gunbound" this morning to bore myself out of my skull, then I did Maths for several hours after lunch. After Maths, I watched "Les choristes" for the first time. I made sure I paid attention to every detail, and I loved it. Lovely, inspiring story, and after I finished watching it, I went to practise my music. Hah! Went through "Nell", my new pieces and some exercises from Vaccai. Forced myself to sight-read a new exercise, and I think I got part of it, but it sounded a little funny towards the end, so I'm going to play it on the piano tomorrow to be sure. It's the "runs and scale-passages" exercise, so I'm quite excited about learning it properly. After I get the notes, rhythm and lyrics down, I'll work on the speed. It's all in Italian, so not too bad, only memorising is difficult.

Saturday, August 29th 2009

I got a "Merit"!
My heart almost leaped out of my chest when I received an e-mail from ABRSM last night, I had no idea what to expect. I knew my exam wasn't perfect, but I also knew I couldn't be that bad as to fail, and moreover, I had never taken one of these exams before!
When I saw "Merit 127", I felt a little disappointed, but also relieved. It sounds about right, because I stumbled a bit during the unexpected sight-singing test. 3 marks away from Distinction, darn it! Oh, well. I'll work like hell on my sight-singing after my 'O's. Everyone has gotta start somewhere. For all I know, PJ has been there, done it all before.
My teacher sounds quite happy with the results, but I can't be sure. Next year will be hectic, I'll have to aim for a pass in Theory and a distinction in Practical. I am constantly under pressure to study music full-time. My teacher keeps telling me I should study music with her in Macau, or sign up for some course in NAFA, or apply to other universities to do music. I don't know. I guess it would be fun to do music for life, seriously, if I want to be a singer at all. It would also help in my music career, but what about my science ambitions?! I want to study cardiovascular science and psychology, but I guess there's a place for everyone. I'll do my best in everything, but if I do not succeed in one, there will be other options to fall back on.
Either way, I hope to be singing for a long, long time.

Thursday, August 27th 2009

Well, folks, I can safely say I'm not addicted to Facebook.
When I first joined it, my friends told me I would get addicted to it, but weeks and months have gone by and I'm still just as clueless about it. At no point of time did I feel like it was my reason for living, my goal for every day. Now, it feels like "another one of those things" that come and go, you know? The stuff that you try out just because you've never tried it before.
That's it.

I wish I could say the same for my phone. Much as I want to put it behind me or get rid of it, I find that I really need it for survival at times, like when my voice teacher has to cancel our lesson or change the timing due to something urgent. I barely use my phone now except to ask or answer the occasional question or confirm something. Still, it's a burden to bear. One day I shall throw it down the side of some mountain and be done with it. I really do think I'd do well without human contact or communication. Animals are so much easier to talk to.

I've been doing a lot of SS, trying to understand the notes (thanks, Kat!) and compiling them into a notebook small and sturdy enough to carry around. I jot formulae, points and notes in there so I can carry them around with me. I discovered that I study better on the move, like on the MRT or while I'm standing around, waiting for something.
Anyway, I'm starting to like SS. It doesn't seem as horrible to me as it did. Sure, it does teach people a lot of bad things, but it also shows the consequences of those bad actions. It's as if the term "Social Studies" has become clear to me, as the actual study of social life in the world. The world will never learn from its past mistakes, but if I end up studying Psychology, social behavior would be a major aspect in that field.

I'm feeling really artistic because I spent several hours last night painting my "thought box". I thought it would be kind of cool to have a special box to put my thoughts in, and then open it when I turn 21. Thoughts about life, society, and little things that come to mind. Technically, I'm still a kid, so it would be nice to look back in time when I turn 21. I already have a box of stuff that I taped shut, for when I turn 21, so I'll get two birthday gifts from myself on that day.
I bought a nice-sized wooden box from "Art Friend". I threw in a little wooden angel, too. I painted the box itself midnight-purple, then stencilled on some big silver snowflakes and some small gold ones. Stencilled a lovely little angel on the front, too, and then, finally, painted the little wooden angel gold and glued it to the cover.
I think I'll do my shoes one of these days. When Mom retires I'm gonna ask her to tailor me some funky trousers. Striped, patterned, cartooned, you name it!

Feeling a little depressed tonight, so I think I'll just gush on about Philippe Jaroussky while both the night and I are still young. If I'm 43 and start gushing about Philippe, that would just be weird. And a little nauseating to the younger generation.

I just watched a video of him that was taken in 2005 or something, he didn't look different from how he looks now, but what appeals to me most is his "good-boy-ishness". I love how he wears his jeans at the right and normal height. It's really nice, because most boys wear theirs like it's going to fall any minute. Plus, they either have too much ass or no ass at all!
PJ even tucks in his shirt and wears his clothes properly without looking the least bit nerdy. Plus, he has really cool shoes. I love his shoes. Sometimes his concert clothes look a little too big for him, but he can just about carry it off just because he's tall and gorgeous.
Mmm, delicious. I feel so much better now!

Monday, August 24th 2009

My craving for Magnum has finally been satisfied! Ever since I saw that nice commercial, I felt like having a Magnum, and that was weeks ago! I was tempted several times to satisfy that craving with normal, lousy ice-cream but I resisted. It was worth the wait, the dark chocolate shell was so rich and the ice-cream was so creamy. I feel a little guilty now because it was more ice-cream than I could take. I started feeling ill 3/4 the way through my ice-cream, but I couldn't waste it! I'm happy that I got to eat my Magnum, though, it's a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of thing, like Mcdonald's. I haven't had Macs in more than half a year!
So far, no ice-cream I've eaten has beaten Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia" to the top of my list.

My hair is starting to look a little unkempt. Help! I can't cut it for 2 reasons. One would be that I double-pierced my left ear a month ago and nobody in this house has spotted it. More than twice I forgot to take off my hairband in front of them and they still didn't spot it. Oh, well, nothing much to see until I put rings in there, so maybe it's a good thing. Second would be that I don't know what my next hairstyle should be.

My hair has gone through so much in the past few months, you know? I've cut it twice, put dreadlocks in them twice (not to mention the taking-out part, which is probably more harmful than putting them in!). I want something different, but neat and cool. Cool being the opposite of uncool.
I thought of the mushroom-cut, like the one on Negishi from the "Detroit Metal City" movie! (search it on Google images!) It looks really cute, with straight bangs and everything! I've never had straight bangs before, I think it would be an interesting change. The hairstyle is meant to make someone look idiotic and child-like, you know? I think it would be pretty cool, like a rebellious thing. I might as well try something different now since I have no social life whatsoever. Better now than when I go back to school next year!
Apart from that, I've thought of a pixie-cut. A short, fluffy hairstyle, preferebly with no long fringe poking me in the eyes. It would make me look pretty normal, though, I don't really like blending in too much. How about CURLY HAIR?!
I'll post a pic of it when blogger allows me to, but for now, I'll leave it to your imagination. Strange thing is, I've always wanted curly hair. Not wavy, curly. Franco has them! I think short curly hair would look cute and would be a nice change from my boring straight hair. It's so lifeless, it doesn't even get tangles in it! I haven't combed them for more than 2 months now and they are still knot-free. I don't even own a comb now. I want hair with personality!!! I shall put my dreadlocks back in, in a few years. Must resist temptation for now, too high-maintenance and I don't have the time.

Had tuition this morning, but spent my entire afternoon doing Social Studies, so I feel less guilty and a little more well-balanced now. Nothing like studying SS to make me despise society and politics. You should see the crap they argue over!
TV was really boring because I'd already watched the "Simpsons" episodes they screened today, so came online to play Runescape again. This game-playing thing is really good for me, it's where I get my motivation to study. The mere routine of the game is enough to make anyone yearn for something more important and substantial. Going to take a shower, and then do some Art while waiting for my hair to dry. Then, I'll crash onto my pillow and not awake until the next morning. I cannot believe people around me are complaining about their lives. Surely having a tough life is better than having no life at all?

I awoke with a jolt this morning at the sudden thought of spending my $40 shopping voucher on scrap-booking items instead of using it to pay part of my running shoes (which I've been wanting to get for months now but haven't). V and I went to the over-priced scrap-booking shop at Plaza Singapura the other day. One stamp averages $20! It's amazing how they cheat people of their money. It's just plain rubber, moulded from a cast, no ink whatsoever. I know I shouldn't be stupid and be cheated of my money either, but they're really beautiful stamps. No, there shouldn't be any "buts". $1.26 can feed an entire family of 6 people for a week! I shall check out "Art Friend" when I go to Bugis sometime, but shopping should be the last thing I'm thinking of.

Sunday, August 23rd 2009

Philippe Jaroussky will be touring Germany and London! I feel so envious, of Philippe himself and the people going to watch him in concert. I shall go to one of his concerts in the next few years, and if I'm lucky, I'll sing with him in this lifetime, unless one of us suddenly dies or something. What if I choke or suffocate while singing with him? That's even worse. Humiliation and death!

Yesterday was a pretty busy day. I had a voice lesson at 10.30 in the morning, so my entire morning was gone. It didn't go too badly, actually, except that my teacher sprung Vaccai's "Syncopation" on me and I had to sight-sing it on the spot, rhythm and all. Made a couple of mistakes, but after 1 or 2 tries, I got the hang of it.
Since it was my last lesson before she left, I was told to study the next 3 Vaccai lessons on my own. Am excited about doing the "runs and scale-passages" and all the different ornaments. Gotta find out how coloratura is sung.
We also went through "How Beautiful Are The Feet", it took me a while to get the hang of the rhythm, too. It was a constant swaying feel, so we did swinging to help me sing better. Strange how the body works, physically and psychologically. Anyway, that song got stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Went to V's place to swim in the afternoon, so there was little time for lunch after my lesson. My sister told me last-minute that there was to be a farewell dinner for my voice teacher last night, so I made her a card while V studied Chemistry. I've been going swimming every week, but yesterday's workout wasn't satisfying, so it probably means that my stamina is increasing. It was also nice to go swimming since it was so hot and humid. Even global warming can't make this climate any worse.

Was told that the dinner was at "Prive Bakery Restaurant" at Vivocity, but when I got there, I asked the information counter people about it and they had no idea about it. I walked over to Harbourfront Centre and found the information counter there. Seated there was this bored-looking middle-aged woman, staring into space. I asked her about "Keppel Marina" (It came up on the Prive Restaurant website), and luckily, she knew where it is. She gave me vague directions since she'd never gone there herself, so I thanked her and started walking there. It was already evening, but still hot and humid, so I perspired. That, and the fact that I was late and panicking. I walked into the wrong place twice, and finally a security guard pointed me in the right direction, to a brightly-illuminated building in sight. So began the very long walk there, down a seemingly endless path and then across a long bridge. My knees were ground down at the joints and were hurting with ever stride. I was afraid my teacher was upset because I was an hour late, and I assumed so because she didn't pick up my call or reply to my sms when I was lost. Luckily, it wasn't at all like that and she called me over to the table when she saw me.
I expected a whole bunch of her students, you know, kids, but there were just a few adults. It wasn't as awkward as I thought, since they were quite social and included me in conversations. The waiter brought me a menu, and boy, was it pricey!!! Who would've thought a plate of pasta could cost $25?! I ordered a beef stew ($18!), which, unfortunately, had more beef tendons than meat, so I was a little grossed out. I've never liked tendons, so I left them and ate the meat, veg and mashed potato. I refused to order any drinks, so I had quite a few glasses of water. It was a very unsatisfying meal of minuscule proportions, totally not worth the money.
My sister was also late, but she managed to make it there in a shorter time than I did. At night, that place looks like Venice! The docks, the sloshing sound of waves, the lights from the houses that line the waterbanks. The only things missing are the beautiful architecture and nice climate.
Sigh.

Friday, August 21st 2009

Whoa, am I relieved to be online again! Spent my day desperately trying to study, but started spacing out after two solid hours. Totally, so I put a bookmark there so I can continue it tomorrow.
I was supposed to do this "Paper 1" of some 2nd-hand Maths book I bought, and I was supposed to finish it within 2 hours. I don't know if it was really difficult, or if I was just spacing out a whole lot today, but I couldn't do it. I turned my attention to something else instead, which was/is a paper collage. It's coming along really nicely, so I'm feeling less frustrated now.

There are a couple of things I want to do next year.
First would be to get into Poly (to do what I want) and get a laptop, and then personalise it like hell! Philippe Jaroussky will be everywhere!

Second would be to go to Venice. Everytime I close my eyes, I'm back there, but I go no further than I did in real life. I even dream it. I've got to explore the rest of Venice, stroll around the island, look at the people, sit by the water and write my thoughts and poetry.

Third would be to buy another iPod. My poor iPod Mini's battery is barely alive, and for every 10 hours I charge it, it can only survive for half an hour or so until it dies. I went to the Apple centre at Wheelock Place, but they said they don't do repairs, they only do replacements. Damn it! So, when my "Creative" player starts dying, I shall buy myself a 120GB iPod Classic! That is, if nothing better comes along from now until then. It costs about $400 but I can earn that in two weeks. It'll probably be after my Venice trip, since any money saved or earned before that will go to the trip.

Fourth would be to take my Grade 5 theory and practical. I need my theory to take Grade 6-8 practical, so there's no way to escape this one. I'm so nervous, 'cos I've looked at the Grade 5 theory papers and I can't do them!!! I gotta work on my theory after my 'O's. It seems like a never-ending workload, but it will pay off someday. Specifically, the day I take my Grade 6 exam.

Fifth would be to buy a banjo. This remains tentative, since I probably won't have the money for one, and I may not think it's cool in a year from now. It costs $400, which is pricey since there are so few of them in the country.


Those things aside, I've been learning my new music and I love "How Could I Ever Know?". It's quite a sad song I can relate to, so emotion is no problem with this one. I'm not too keen on "How beautiful are the feet" by Handel, it sounds like any other church song. Solemn, repetitive and a little glorious. I'm writing in the rhythm counts for both new songs now.

I miss my dreadlocks. It's been about 2 months since I took them out, but I miss them!!! I'll fight the urge to put them back, maybe for another year or so, then we'll see..

You know who Kimi Raikkonen is? He's an F1 racecar driver, but I only took notice of him when I walked past his "Tag heuer" ads. I thought he looked a little like Philippe Jaroussky. They have the same piercing eyes and big nose, but PJ has a creamy complexion and thick, full lips whereas Kimi has thin lips and a super-bad-boy attitude.
The super-bad-boy attitude is a total no-no for me. It's really unappealing, and I prefer pretty-boys, even if they so often turn out to be gay. Classical music says it for PJ, but fast cars and scantily-clad women throw Kimi into another category altogether. Love that name for a guy, though. Sexy.
PJ is charming because he looks like a softie, goody-two-shoes type of guy who sings with astounding grace, has piercing green eyes and full lips, and the occasional tendency to talk rubbish. It's really adorable! Could I possibly need another reason to like him?!

Tuesday, August 18th 2009

Handel! Handel! I finally get to sing Handel!!! Handel, in my opinion, wrote some of the most beautiful vocal music ever! I love his more lively pieces, but his heart-wrenching pieces are good, too, with lovely, heart-tugging chords.
The piece my teacher chose isn't lively, though. "How beautiful are the feet" It's one of those slow and emotional pieces where your breath has to last forever, and I might just suffocate to death. I wish he didn't write it in English, because that's my worst language to sing in.

I also have another song to learn, a musical theatre song by Secret Garden titled "How could I ever know?". When she played and sang it for me, I was awestruck. It was lovely, all heart-wrenching and heart-breaking. Ahahah! Suddenly she's picking all these emotional songs for me to sing. Maybe my face is too stiff and she wants me to display more emotion while singing. All the same, I can't wait to learn more new music. It's been hell and more hell at home.

You wanna know why? I'LL TELL YOU WHY!
Dad and Mom are totally trying to drain me of my creativity, that's why! First, they say I waste time (an hour a week!) going for my voice lessons when my voice exam is over, and I should set my priorities straight. I have them straight, that doesn't mean I can only have ONE! Anyway, they're still yelling at me because I want to go for my voice lessons. As if that stupid one hour per week will make any difference.
Then, just several hours ago, Mom saw me flipping through a book on "creating and keeping creative journals" and she just HAD to say something mean, "Why are you wasting your time on Art? Art is not going to help you, don't waste time on Art. Better spend more time on your Maths ah, don't do nonsense like Art."
What the hell is wrong with them?!

Firstly, I'm spending almost all my time on Maths. I'm so worried about my other subjects, I don't even know how to start panicking! I have been spending so little time on my other subjects, and I feel so guilty all the time, but I've been feeling so tired and worn-out nowadays, I get splitting headaches while studying. They don't even know how that feels, and Dad didn't even study for his exams, he went fishing instead! Now he just sits in front of the stupid 42-inch LCD television all day and rots away.

Secondly, my voice lesson is the one thing I look forward to each week. It's like how I looked forward to watching the weekly telecast of "Merlin" on TV so I could ogle at Colin Morgan. I'm so excited about learning new songs, discovering new pieces, new expressions and meanings in the poetry and lyrics, I just want to drown in all the music. It makes me so happy when the lesson goes well, and I'm filled with enough happy thoughts to last me a week.

I guess I can't blame my parents for being so mean and ignorant,tactless and thoughtless because they've never been through what I have, and what I'm going through. Neither of them have been in Normal Acad, neither have failed Maths at 'O's and been rejected from every polytechnic in the country, neither have taken voice lessons, neither have/had a love for Art, neither know the pressure I'm under.
At least I know who I don't want to end up like in life.
One day I'll look back (as I so often do) and say, "luckily, I did't listen to them."

Monday, August 17th 2009

I still love this video to bits! Pixar has great imagination, and the story is just so sweet. Gus is adorable.

I truly deserve to be online tonight. I spent my day (mostly) productively, with two hours of tuition in the morning, as well as 3 and a 1/2 hours at the library, studying. The tuition went better than I expected, and I didn't feel lethargic at all despite not getting a wink of sleep last night. I got a splitting headache while studying at the library, but that didn't get me down. I managed to finish one paper, one worksheet (many pages, mind you!), and did two questions on Geography. Whoa, talk about productivity! It usually takes me 3 or more days to finish one of those worksheets!

Will be adding another track to my playlist. It's as if I'm suddenly discovering so much "new" music! This one's called "Al dispetto" by Handel. Handel wrote great vocal music, I tell you.

Well, typed in "Clay Aiken" on the Google image search engine, and it came up with a lot of photos, some of him with his boyfriend (that's right!). I have no idea when it happened, but I'm so happy for him! He has good taste, too. He's finally found someone he loves, and at 30. What does it take to wait that long?

Also, for the people who believe that sex should only be after marriage, what if you never get married?
There's something to think about!

Sunday, August 16th 2009

I'm so going to adopt a child when I get older. Of course, I'd have to have lots of money and a stable job and all that, so I'd probably be about 40.

I spent tonight downloading videos. Quite a few of them were of Philippe Jaroussky, some were of "Hi-5" and "Hairspray", and one was of Clay Aiken.
It seems I have forgotten who I fell in love with 6 years ago. It's incredible what watching a short video can do for you. I typed in "This is the Night" on the Youtube search engine, and I clicked on the one of him singing on "Good Morning America" in 2003, and it suddenly took me back to that time. He was so gorgeous, and still is, if I may add. He's a daddy now and all that, so he's been out of the spotlight for quite a while, but his songs still bring me comfort in my darkest hours. They still bring me as much courage as they did 6 years ago, and they still paint a silly grin across my face. Such are the words of a Claymate.

I managed about 3 hours of studying today. Funny how since I told myself I'd start studying 7 hours a day, I've only managed 2 or 3 hours a day. I don't know if I should use reverse psychology or not, but the few hours of playing "Sims 2" this morning helped a little. I'm still playing "Sims 2" because I can't afford "Sims 3", so I'll just wait till V decides to lend it to me. The "Sims 2" I'm playing also belongs to her (Thanks, V!). Without it, I'd have died long ago.

Tuition again tomorrow. I haven't finished everything that was assigned on Thursday. I've been trying really hard to do them but been procrastinating an awful lot. Somehow the "hours of doing brainless things" like watching TV or playing computer games always stimulates my brain and makes me yearn for something more wholesome, thus making me want to study.
I think I've gotta learn from Si Jia. When I studied with Wondergirl here during my "N" levels, she said that 10 minutes was (were?) too long for lunch, and she sat at the library, studying from morning till dinnertime. Amazing. I always couldn't stand it and would fidget incessantly until 5pm when I allowed myself to pack up and go home.
I did all right for "N"s, though. Never was complacent during "O"s, but still got average results. No!!! Cannot!

Still, I'm not looking forward to the lethargy at tuition tomorrow. Two hours of hell. Luckily, it's only once a week, or I'd really fling myself off a building. If I had spent today watching TV all day, maybe I'd have the motivation to study all week. Darn it, I studied today, so it's not going to work. The few measly hours of "Sims 2" only resulted in the same few hours of studying! It's gotta be more, MORE!

Saturday, August 15th 2009

Amarilli, mia bella, non credi,
O del mio cor dolce desio
d'esser tu l'amor mio?
Credilo pur: e se timor t'assale,
prendi questo mio strale,
aprimi il petto e vedrai scritto in core:
Amarilli è il mio amore.

Amaryllis, my fair one, you do not believe,
O sweet desire of my heart,
that you are my loved one?
Please, believe it: and if fear assails you,
take this arrow of mine,
open my chest and you will see written in my heart:
Amaryllis is the one I love.

"Amarilli, mia bella" -Giulio Caccini

Friday, August 14th 2009

Well, this is how I spent the evening. I watched "George of the Jungle" again, probably to indulge in kiddy comedy and also ogle at Brendan Fraser. That was over 10 years ago, so give the guy a break, all right?

I love the comedy, too. There's a part of the movie when this really annoying guy falls in elephant poop, and some African guys who hate him say, "Bad guy falls in poop. Classic element of physical comedy. Now here comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh! Ready? (Ready!) AHAHAHAHAA"
That line never fails to make me laugh!

Went to V's house this morning to swim. On the way there, I bumped into Elenor on the bus. It's just as well she saw me trying to learn my new music, since she wasn't sure if I were the right person. She's doing well at NAFA, realised that a lot of people didn't get into courses they wanted and ended up somewhere else because they had no choice. I think they're doing all right now, but it's a pity they just gave up like that. Anyway, we talked a little about this and that, and then I got off the bus.
Went swimming in the sun-warmed water, it was heavenly. All was peaceful, save for the sound of a few people talking and a little kid whining. They soon went off, so it was good. Our swim lasted for about 1 and a 1/2 hours, and when we were done, it was lunchtime and we were feeling ravenous. We showered, had lunch, and then prepared to go to Plaza Singapura. What a waste of a day, I was supposed to study! In the end, I didn't study at all!
Procrastination is evil, I tell you. Tomorrow I shall be good and study all subjects, my inspiration will be Jeremy Duncan.

I have added another lovely, lovely song to my Philippe Jaroussky playlist on my blog. It's called "Nocturne" by Cesar Franck. The first half is a little boring and repetitive, but give it a chance, and the music will melt you. I've loved this song since I first listened to my "Opium" CD, it's so beautiful. The track doesn't seem to be showing up on my playlist, so I guess I'll have to wait a while.

I have voice lesson tomorrow, and I've pretty much gotten the tune of my new songs, but I hope I don't screw them up. I tend to buckle under pressure, you know? My mind shuts down and I can't think straight.

My parents think my voice lessons are a waste of time now that my Grade 4 exam is over. They expect me to hit the books the moment I awake until the moment I hit the pillow again. I feel a little guilty since they are paying for my lessons, and taking more lessons means paying more money, but I need an outlet! I used to sing everywhere at school. Wherever I went, people heard me sing, I had no problems de-stressing there. Now, I'm locked up in a suffocating house with a grumpy old man, and I can't even look out at the lovely night sky without pressing my face against the cold metal bars.
So, I'm pretty psyched about having voice lessons again and learning new songs. My parents tried to persuade me to find another teacher. Who the hell would want to find another teacher?! There's nobody better in this stupid stuffy country.
Whatever, I'm past the stage of obeying everything my parents say. Had I listened to them all these years, I'd be a total loser now. I wouldn't have had a good CCA, I would have dropped out of school, I would have never come to like Art or classical music. Oh my gawd, I would have been normal! NO WAY!

I'm quite happy with who I am now, school or no school. My conscience is working right, I respect myself and I have enough confidence to like whoever/whatever I like and wear whatever I want. I have ambitions and goals beyond my reach, but it only forces me to work harder for what I want. I have dead loved ones watching over me, I have the basic necessities like food, water, shelter, education, and way more than that. I'm strong enough to carry on when faced with setbacks, like rejection. Still being alive today is my greatest achievement.
Man, it's good to be me.

Thursday, August 13th 2009

Oh, WOO HOO! I get to sing Mozart, I get to sing Mozart!!!

My voice teacher smsed me last night about preparing two pieces for our next lesson this Saturday. I've always wanted to sing something by Mozart, and now she's gonna teach me some! One is "L'ho perduta, me meschina!" and the other is "Voi, che sapete". They're both from the opera "Le nozze di Figaro", one of his most well-known operas. While "Voi, che sapete" may be the catchier one of the two, it's also tougher and longer, with more mood changes! Luckily, that one is a Grade 6 piece, so I have two years to perfect it. "L'ho perduta, me meschina!" is a Grade 5 piece, and it's about looking for something on the floor. Calls for a lot of emotion, but I really like his music, so I think it'll be fine. Mozart was a genius, I love his symphonies.

Had tuition this morning. Funny how I suddenly feel so lethargic when it's time for tuition. I suddenly can't stop yawning and fiddling with my fingers under the table! Before and after tuition I'm so full of life. This tuition thing is really depressing.
So much for 7 hours of studying! The first 4 hours were all right, but after dinner I completely forgot about my 7-hour plan and continued watching some TV programme! Darn it. So, I spent the rest of the night looking through my new music and listening to their clips online. I've got two days to learn them before I sing them during lesson, but I'm really happy about having new music to sing. It's been the same 4 songs for months and months and I need a change!
A break in the routine of my life!

Anyway, I've added "Trois jours de vendange" to my playlist, so have a listen. It starts off quite nicely, too. I couldn't find the free score online, so maybe I'll have a look at the score library or shops. Need to buy some Grade 5 theory papers and books as well.

Hanging out with V tomorrow, going swimming in the morning, maybe do a little studying and then to Plaza Singapura. V wants to go to Daiso, and I want to go to Spotlight and that cool, overpriced scrap-booking materials shop there. Gotta get stencils and other things to feed my ever-growing creative needs. I feel a little bad to be able to afford the things I want, but I haven't been spending money on myself for a while, except paying for my lessons and practices, so I shall get myself a few things.

Wednesday, August 12th 2009

If only we are this happy to go to school.
Did more research on poor children and education. So many of them want to go to school but can't afford to. To think my parents had to drag me out of bed and force me to do my homework when I was younger. I actually hated school, I dreaded every lesson, I always anticipated the end-of-day bell.
Look at these children. If only I had their spirit, their will. I never realised how lucky I was to be able to go to school, at least until recently. These kids love studying and have great ambitions. We, on the other hand, don't cherish education just because we can easily afford it.

The voice exam went quite well. I didn't know there would be two sight-reading tests! One accompanied (tough) and one unaccompanied (easy-peasy). I missed about 2-3 notes on the tough one, but was able to catch it since the piano was playing the accompaniment. Those notes were late, but it's not worth worrying about now. It's over, and my 4 songs weren't screwed up at all. The pianist played some wrong notes but it didn't affect me, so it went all right. I shouldn't have worried about the "melodic memory" part, it wasn't difficult. During my songs, I thought of all I've been taught over the last few months. Liftpushglide, relaxed body and retraction. I stuck a plaster at the back of my neck to remind me not to stick it out (scotch-tape didn't work, it fell off). The examiner didn't even glance at me during "Dayung Sampan", she was too busy following the score, but I was expressive as hell anyway. You never know.

Well, I hope I do well for this exam, I worked so hard for it. Months and months of singing the same few songs over and over, putting in details and polishing. My expressions and hand movements surfaced, too. Next- Grade 5!

I'm dreading having tuition tomorrow, because I haven't had time to do all the homework "assigned". However, I did most of it. I even tried my rotten luck at the "Mensuration" topic, and did more of my TYS. Been neglecting SS again. Why are we forced to study such a horrible subject?! When I get a respectable job in the future and gain power, I shall write in to the Ministry of Education about it!!!

Gotta visit Esplanade library and score shops to get some scores. I want to find this French song called "Trois jours de vendange " by Reynaldo Hahn. Have started learning "Nell" by Gabriel Fauré, not going too badly. Each language has its own challenges!

From tomorrow onwards, no more fun and games. Ok, ok, so it won't be studying 24/7. Sunday is free-day. I'll still take time to stick stuff in my super-cool scrap-book and watch my favourite television programmes and learn some of the pieces I've been dying to learn and maybe even play computer games. No limit of doing rubbish, as long as I do at least 7 hours of studying per day. Sounds fair, since out of 24 hours a day, I spend 9 sleeping, 4 eating/showering, and if I do 7 hours of studying per day, I'll be left with 4 hours of my day to do whatever-the-hell I want! Sounds little, but I'm sure I can handle this torture for another 2-3 months. I've done it before, and I can do it again. After my exam, books will fly, especially MATHS. (My SS one has disappeared.)

Let the studying begin!

Tuesday, August 11th 2009

I'm scared to death about tomorrow. Today's lesson did not go as well as I hoped. I sounded stuck, and my back and neck were all tense. I pulled myself together during "Seligkeit" and "I Feel Pretty", but "O cessate di piagarmi" and "Dayung Sampan" were pretty bad, though my teacher said they weren't. I'm so nervous! What if I sing the wrong lyrics? What if my pianist screws up and I get thrown off? What if I get all tense and stuck and my voice doesn't travel and I end up singing rubbish?! OH NO!!
No, no, this is no time to panic. Must think of Philippe Jaroussky. My teacher says I'd probably do quite well, and I believe her. We've been working on these songs for months now and I sing them every day. I was worried about the sight-singing at first, but now I'm worried about the melodic memory part because, honestly, my melodic memory sucks. Going to practise it tonight.

Other than that, I think emotion will save me. If all else fails, make sure there are feelings in the song, make it dramatic. One thing I've learnt is that no matter how good I sound, the song is nothing without expression. I've gotta put it on my face and in my hands, like mimes, only with singing. I've even picked out my outfit for the exam tomorrow: a sweet, flowery tank-top, a brown long-sleeved outer-shirt, and a lovely long skirt, and a big butterfly in my hair. I figured it might help me "feel pretty" enough to sing the songs well. It's all psychology!
Also, I have this problem of sticking my neck out when I do serious singing, so I'd probably put some scotch-tape at the back of my neck to remind me to keep it in and at home base.

Monday, August 10th 2009

I should paste some of these photos on my bed ceiling so I'm forced to look at them every day, the minute I wake and before I fall asleep. To think I almost threw away an untouched you char kway just now! I couldn't eat it, it might've ruined my voice/throat. Just before I threw it away, I thought of all the starving people who'd give up a limb or two just to have something to eat. My guilt almost killed me! It wasn't even touched, and was entirely clean and uneaten. In the end, Dad ate it, so I feel less guilty now.

My scrap-booking is going all right, I'm considering doing a creative collage for my final Art paper 1. I've flipped through so many scrap-booking books and gotten so many cool ideas. Beautiful, creative, and carry a strong message. Terrific!
Too bad I can't bring poverty into my Art now, I don't have time to draw so much. Besides, I can't draw people for nuts! The Bob Marley photo I drew turned out looking really weird, only his hair looked fantastic. The only decent human portrait I've ever drawn is of Charlie Chaplin. You wouldn't believe the effort I put into it, the pencil wilted in my hand. I shall put poverty into my leisure Art, after my major exams. It would be a challenge, and help me grow as an artist and a person.

I made money today! You see, mom wanted to go to this travel fair thingy that was advertised in the newspapers, so we decided to awake at 6am today, and we did. It was hell, man! I haven't stepped out of the house so early in at least half a year! I was too excited/worried the night before, and so couldn't sleep a wink, so my face was deathly pale when I got out of bed this morning. Mom promised to pay me for my effort, $50 if I don't get a travel voucher (first come, first served, limited), $100 if I do get one. I desperately need to build up my savings for Venice, so I offered to help. It was easy, I just had to BE there and tolerate all the aunties and uncles with bad breath. Easiest $100 I've ever made in 4 hours.

I just pulled out my Maths and Geography, slapped on my earphones and played Philippe Jaroussky and Mozart, and worked for 2 and a half solid hours, ignoring everyone else. Managed to do some Mensuration and percentage Profit and Loss, and a few Geog questions. That's not all the studying I did today, I packed in another 2 hours when I met up with V today.

We went to watch "UP" today, and I loved it. The emotions were so real, about not wanting to let go. Everything about the cartoon was so human, and I loved the main character's hair. He has nice, fluffy hair. I was crying even before the movie started! They played a short Pixar film before the movie, it's called "Partly Cloudy", and it's lovely, lovely, lovely.
Check out the full length one on Youtube if you guys have the time, it's worth a watch, I promise.

Sunday, August 9th 2009

Strange, huh?
I typed in "starving" on Google's image search engine and these are some of the pictures I got. My mom is currently watching TV and snacking on prawn crackers, and there are muffins baking in the oven. Here I am, typing words on a sleek, black plastic keyboard and watching them appear on an LCD computer screen. I feel so guilty just sitting here, only occasionally realising how lucky I am to have books to read and pens to write with.
All these kids have bowls, but nothing to put in them. Even if they do, they would wolf the food down before it has a chance to touch the bowl. Half the kids in these pictures probably aren't alive today.

Here are some children looking for ants to eat. Notice they're all carrying bowls, wearing nothing and scavenging a barren landscape. Take a good look.

Take a good look at their hands, their eyes, ears, lips. They look exactly like us, only that they're starving. Doesn't seem fair that they have to starve and we don't. In fact, we're so spoilt, we're willing to pay $6 for a cup of "branded" coffee or ice-cream cone! $1.23 can feed an entire family of 6 for a whole week!

Donatella Versace.
Women in bikinis are supposed to look nice. I can't even begin to describe the woman in this picture, I'll leave it to your imagination. Half of the people in this world are desperate for something, anything to eat, and here are people deliberately starving themselves.


That aside, I've been pretty busy lately, but also making time for procrastination. I've taken up scrap-booking, and once I start, I can't stop. Everything pours out onto the pages, and it's a little worrying. I've listed a couple of things to do today, like doing another drawing for Art, but I guess scrap-booking is giving me practice in Art. I never discovered the possibilities of collage and design until now, and am learning to arrange things on a page, so this way of procrastination isn't all bad.
What a time for procrastination to hit me, I've got my voice exam in 3 days, and my 'O's to study for! I know I've been working extra-hard during the first-half of this year, but it's simply not enough. There's no way I'm going to get into the medical field like this! After my voice exam, it's studying for at least 7 hours per day.

Dad has been sleeping an awful lot recently. He told me how he constantly feels sleepy and tired, and I have no idea what the problem is, if it's just age or something more sinister. I guess at 62 and getting older by the minute, it's normal to feel tired all the time and even sluggish. No way he's going to get any healthier, sitting around and watching TV all day. It's scary, but also fascinating. The TV never gets switched off, and whenever my parents are home, they watch it. Dad is home all day, so he watches TV all day. Mom works, so when she gets home, the first thing she does is watch TV.

It's getting increasingly worrying, since I'm getting older and all the terrors of the adult world are flying at me like red-hot arrows. I'm running, running, always reaching for the safety of childhood, but it's never within my grasp.

Thursday, August 6th 2009

I had quite an experience today!
I went to practise with my exam pianist today at her house. Just so happened that her two kids and two very old women were at home with her, so we went into the room with the piano which, fortunately, had decent acoustics. Anyway, we clarified some things like speed, rhythm, breathing places and all that, and once we did, we sang through the pieces over and over again, and I completely lost myself in the music! It was like some drug that blocked out the world and left the music for me to hear, I couldn't hear or see anything else. Beautiful.

Also, years of watching Philippe Jaroussky on Youtube has paid off, my hands came alive on their own, doing movements and actions. I didn't feel shy when I sang for her, because I couldn't see/hear her anyway. I felt like I'd stepped out of my own body and was watching myself come alive!
My voice teacher always told me I had to show the emotions of the song on my face, especially for "Seligkeit". I'm not bad at looking like I'm in extreme pain (O cessate di piagarmi), but I'm really bad at looking happy. Today, after we finished "Seligkeit", my pianist asked me if I really like this song, if it's my favourite. Success!!!

I watched a recorded programme of "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" today, and I must say, it's really addictive! I started watching it because of Stephen Baldwin who, I think, is still pretty cute in his own way. However, I found that the show was pretty interesting, so full of personality. By the time it was done, I was so full of adrenaline, I was dancing around the house!

Spent tonight doing some Geography and downloading videos and putting them into my player. I'm so psyched about the new Youtube videos of Philippe Jaroussky that have been uploaded!!! I'm so full of adrenaline now, I can't even begin to express emotion!! Lovely French melodies that I haven't heard before, because they weren't on his "Opium" CD, so I'm really excited about listening to and watching them. Sometimes I wonder why I never dream about him in my sleep.

Wednesday, August 5th 2009

This pretty girl is Zooey Deschanel. I thought she was beautiful in "Bridge to Terabithia", very lovely eyes. She was in "Yes Man", too, but I think she looks better in "BtT". I thought she was perfect, until I watched some of her interviews on Youtube.
This is what an actual sentence from an interview sounds like. "From what I understand, you, like, people just sort of, like, write in their phone, like, 'oh! I just went to a restaurant.' or something, but it's usually, like, really mundane things and I can't understand exactly why, what about those things, like, why people wanna know it."

Dude, man! It's a total turn-off when a beautiful woman can't speak properly. Total, total turn off. I guess she's still pretty and young and all that, but honey, it's not gonna last forever.

My day was pretty boring, as usual. I keep having the urge to watch "George of the Jungle" again. Nothing beats ogling at Brendan Fraser in that movie. Too bad I had to do other things, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow instead.
Went for voice lesson this morning, did some floor exercises for singing. It worked a treat for a while after that, but soon wore off. I've gotta find a way to keep it there! We only worked on warm-ups and "Seligkeit" today, and it's getting much easier to hit that note now.
I was worried I was going to sound choked-up with phlegm after eating two pieces of toast with cream-cheese and nutella for breakfast with a glass of diluted vitamin C, but no, not at all. In fact, I sang better with a good breakfast in my stomach, and managed to reach up to high b-flat this time! Whoa, I'll never compromise having a good breakfast again!

I can't wait till my voice exam is over, so I won't have so many things to worry about at the same time. It's so hectic, what with all the voice lessons and practices with my pianist and practices by myself. I still manage to study a couple of hours per day, but it's not enough. After my music exam, I'm going to study at least 7 hours a day. Not all at one shot, of course, I'll go mad and try to kill myself.

I have some pieces I want to learn, but not before my voice exam. This is called devotion! I've already downloaded a few scores to print out, and maybe I'll pay a visit to Esplanade library's score section, too. I also want to teach myself to play "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind on the guitar. I think the guitar deserves to be played, it's been sitting at that dusty corner beside the piano for far too long. Occasionally, I take it out of it's bag and put my ear against its wooden body. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the sounds that the vibrating strings (caused by moving air particles) make. Very soothing, like listening to a seashell, although I haven't heard anything from a seashell, ever.

Monday, August 3rd 2009

Is this adorable or what?
He's a baby beluga whale, swimming above his mother. Can you resist that smile?!

Did some research on dog breeds, looked up some HDB-approved breeds and all that. Too bad Bull Terrier isn't listed, they're really cute and lovable. Anyway, some of the breeds aren't too bad. I'm thinking of a Norfolk Terrier.
To be honest, this really isn't the right time to get a dog. I'm swamped with studies and music, and having to juggle one more thing would make my life a lot more difficult than it already is, so I'm going to wait until after my 'O's to get a dog. Also, Dad suggested bringing one back from Thailand when we next visit Bangkok. We've been going back to the SPCA week after week for several months now, and it's getting frustrating. Also, they have all breeds there, so I can take my pick. Read up on the bringing of pets into Singapore, it doesn't seem too bad. Licensing is $50, plus some paperwork and vaccinations, plus the actual buying of the dog, it would cost less than buying a dog here! (I'm not talking about the expensive ones, either!)

I'll give some thought to it. It would be nice to actually grow up with someone and teach things to. God knows what happens to the dogs that don't get sold in Thailand, dogs probably have a better life here in the SPCA than there in the market. I like dad's idea, but I won't rush into it. These few months until my exams will give me time to think about it, but if we do get one from Thailand, I'd probably have to postpone my trip to Venice for another few months, or even a year! No way am I leaving my puppy to suffer alone!
Ah, well, if it's going to happen like that, at least I'll be able to save more money for my trip. 19 also sounds older than 20, maybe my parents will let go of the reigns a little by then.

Did some research on mistreated dogs. Poor dogs, they're beaten, killed, exposed to rain and snow, left to starve with their puppies that they can't feed. My heart feels heavy again. No matter how many animal activists there are in the world, there's no doubt that animals will still suffer. Why don't people take it out on people instead?
It's like Charlie Chaplin once said, "I am at peace with God, my conflict is with Man."

Sunday, August 2nd 2009

I had no idea James Brown was/is so awesome! I didn't know he was black either, but that doesn't matter. I watched a couple of videos of him on Youtube, and he had really groovy music and moves. He sang a lot of "break free and dance like hell" music, and it's really good for de-stressing.

Tonight, I transposed my last song "Dayung Sampan". Thank goodness it's over!!! It wasn't difficult at all, since it's to be sung acapella, so I only had to click in the voice part. I don't think I'll be dreaming of transposing tonight!

Oh yeah, we didn't get the dog! The whole family went down to SPCA today and went to see her again, but she isn't very sociable, she just ran around, doing her own thing and ignoring us, so I said no, we'll keep visiting to see if there are more suitable dogs for us. A lot of the super-friendly ones are too big to keep in a HDB flat, so too bad. I guess we'll keep going back until we find the right dog for us. After our SPCA visit, we drove over to Seletar to visit some animal resort place. I saw dogs, horses, goats, rabbits, and a really old and large bird who looks really wise.
I stroked some rabbits, thinking of my own lovely Rabbit. I miss him so much. His is the face that I see every day when I wake up and before going to sleep. Knowing that he's always with me is a comfort, but I wish I could still cuddle and kiss him and feed him carrots that turn his mouth orange. What I would give to bring him back.

I forgot to type about the other day, when I visited his grave again. The decomposers have done their work, and well, too. All that's left of him are his bones, and I know because his skull was showing through some dirt and grass. It's so strange looking at the lifeless remains of someone who was very much alive. He listened to everything- every song, every word, every complaint, every love story I told him. When I was feeling upset, he would come and lie beside me and kiss my fingers. There's nothing I wouldn't give to have him back again.

Saturday, August 1st 2009

I've been working on my music over the past few nights solid, clicking, clicking, transposing, even in my sleep. I finally handed over the finished copies to my pianist today. She seems a little weird, but I can't judge her by how she looks and talks. I'll wait for her to actually talk about something, then I'll decide if she's weird or not. It's like my tuition teacher who gets excited when talking about filing.
Bad thing is, I'm still not done transposing my songs. Good thing is, there's a very short song that's left, with no accompaniment, so it won't take long at all. I'll do it tomorrow, in time for Monday when I have my voice lesson.

V asked me if I want to exercise with her every week so we can force each other to work out. Sounds like a great idea, I've been waiting for an opportunity like that, because it's really easy to procrastinate exercising, especially in this sweltering heat + humidity. What a killer!
So, we're going swimming and jogging, depending on the weather (and other things). I think it will be great. I'm still exercising regularly, but it's always nice to have company. We're starting this Friday.

The 12th is drawing near, and I feel more worried than ever, although not SO worried now since the songs are within my comfortable vocal range. I hope I don't screw up "O cessate di piagarmi", though. It can really sneak up on me, sometimes. I must be super-alert and focused.
Still really into Philippe Jaroussky since the day I found that photo. Stupid obsession. Found some other photos of him today, of him being "human". I love his hands. I love his shoes, too, he has some really cool shoes. Quite an expressive individual.

We're finally getting a dog! After months and months of going down to the SPCA week after week, looking and waiting for the right dog to come along. Went down there today in a rush because I had to pass the scores to my exam pianist, so I only had about 5-10 mins to look at the dogs. I got to play with two dogs, one of which is little Orio (oreo). She's a sweet little Jack Russel Terrier, 1 yr-old, just got sterilised. She's black and white in colour, friendly and very active. She jumped up when she saw me approaching, that's what caught my attention. She's really small and skinny, so I think I'm going to feed her a little more.
Mom really likes her, so that's good. Dad didn't say anything good, but didn't say anything bad, either. Only just now he said he doesn't think it's that cute, but that's all right. I think she's quite cute, and frankly, cuteness is not really a factor for me. A lovely personality is a must, and she will slowly grow on me overtime.