Friday, July 30th 2010

Rich, dark, smooth, sensual, orgasmic

CHOCOLATE!

It feels like the day is never going to end.
It was a 3-hour Chemistry morning, and the few of us went to the library to hang out. They sat at a table to chat and study for a test they missed while I went in search of Art books. My hunger was almost satiated after combing shelf after shelf of books on painting, drawing, sketching, even anatomy art. I say almost, only because I couldn't find any books on charcoal drawings.

Damn it.

We skipped BM since we were already late for it, awaiting the 2-hour CSAS lesson later on. I can't believe we actually give in and patiently wait for it. I can't believe, even more, that there's still CSAS 2 next sem!

My blog post today sounds strangely asshole-ic.
Maybe I'm angry or something.

Thursday, 29th July 2010

I was devastated upon seeing the results of my Maths Quiz 2.

The 3/25 I got didn't reflect the effort I had put in. I was downcast for a while, but then, I took a deep breath, picked up my pen, and started taking down all the corrections.

Life goes on.

I did, however, shove the test paper to the back of my book, where it shall remain until I am alone and away from the danger of school. People here are secretly judgemental, I'm beginning to realise, and it does somewhat pose as a threat, a little bit. There's a certain standard expected of a Biomedical Science student, and I'm clearly not meeting it.

BUT.

Life goes on.
I need to work harder. It's possible, so don't argue, Xiulin. You've been faced with this before. You lived through it once, you'll live through it again.

Please, world, let me study.

Wednesday, 28th July 2010

I feel like I need to hide somewhere.

Today is the OC quiz, which I haven't really studied for. I mean, we did have a small class quiz on those 3 topics several days ago, so I have more or less skimmed through the notes, but I know that simply isn't enough.

Here I am. What am I still doing here, typing on my blog? Only minutes ago was I searching Google Images for screenshots of Tom & Jerry cartoons. I think I miss the comfort of childhood. I used to be able to stay home and watch Tom & Jerry for hours on end, and then go to the playground to play games and run all over the estate, with nary a care in the world.

Now, it's all school, work, school, work, quizzes, more quizzes, the weekly choir practices, and other exhausting activities. The temptation of procrastination is so real, so evil. The urge to procrastinate, even productively, is so strong. I find myself itching to write Braille or learn new music or even go to Esplanade library to study, just study for the entire day.

I used to do that a lot last year, when everybody else went to school. I didn't get in anywhere, so I just armed myself with my Maths textbook and a blank notebook, and headed to Esplanade's dance section. I liked the sun on my back while I was in the freezing library, sitting on the floor, so I could feel its warm embrace while I studied.
It had become my comfort after a while, a haven, an escape from trouble at home.
I'm a good girl, I try my best to be. I want to study, but there's just no time, no time to make time.

Saturday, 24th July 2010

My Dearest Rabbit

I wonder if this is what Rabbit Heaven looks like? I came across this photo on flickr.com and just couldn't help wondering. It's one of those emo nights again, alone to think, alone to wallow. You just sweetly nudged yourself into my thoughts again.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote to you. Did you get the letter I burnt for you in January? I hope it got through, though they probably have internet access where you are now. It just feels more personal when I write it myself, in handwriting, you know?

Rabbit, life has been terrible these past few months.
Everyone is so ahead of me, I've been failing a lot of subjects, especially the Chemistrys. Dad and Mom have been especially hard on me. I feel like I'm suffocating under all this pressure. Why do I try so hard to live up to other people's expectations when it makes me unhappy? I've been struggling so hard just to keep my head afloat, to carry on with life and not go insane. You were always here before to listen, Rabbit. You could tell when I was sad. I miss your every kiss and hug, I miss your every twitch and lick.

I can't stop the tears now, Rabbit, they flow endlessly for you. My attempts at choking them back aren't working. Your photos still hang right beside my bed, your sweet face always watches me as I drift off to sleep every night. Please continue to watch over me, protect me, guide me to make the right decisions.

I miss you every day.

Love
Xiulin

Friday, 23rd July 2010

Fate is most cruel to lovers; they never have enough time.

Society opposes them, age threatens them, time is selfish towards them. Curiosity, lack of balance, insecurity, heartbreak. Wisdom feeds their hungry souls, coupled with humour and understanding. Years go by and bones begin to creak, walking sticks emerge and dentures made. Yet, the test of time never changes.

"If all of society treats you differently, at least you'll still have him."

---------------

Dad shot me a few lines of poison early this morning, "You don't respect me, nevermind ah, I also won't keep my word, I tell you. You better come home before 12. Next time you support yourself, I'm not going to support you."

Strange how everytime he says something like that, I have less and less respect for him. At the moment, respect on the respect-meter is at around -23. Respect has to be earned, and nothing has been done to earn it. No manners, no basic courtesy, no kind words, no kind deeds.
And, when has he ever kept his word?

Wednesday, July 21st 2010

Life's stresses are catching up with me. Soon we will be neck-to-neck.

Quizzes, quizzes and more quizzes.
I had a HAP quiz on the Endocrine System today, and I was so worked up about it, I forced myself to study for it during some Chem lecture. I think the stress got to me, I heard the orchestra play the intro of "Ombra mai fu" in my head, and then my mouth started singing. There I was, singing Handel's beautiful work of art, that earned me weird stares and strange smiles in the lecture theatre.

Aced the quiz, but then I had to continue working for my Maths quiz, which is tomorrow morning, after the first tutorial. After that, I shall have to continue working on my HAP quiz on Friday.
My God, My God, it never ends. It's taking a toll on my body and state of mind. People go insane like this!

If it weren't for Love's sweet, warm hugs and reassuring kisses, I'd never make it through.

Monday, July 19th 2010

I feel horrible;

I want to go home.

Sunday, July 18th 2010

"You don't need to impress me."

I don't know how many times I've heard that.
She said that to me before, but only for me to be who I am and do what I do.
What about him?
What did he mean when he said that to me?

I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago, and yet, here I am now, typing away on my blog. I thought it was a good night, but the call didn't end on a good note. What's more, I don't know what went wrong, but continue to be sub-consciously plagued by it, incessantly eating, nibbling away at my mind.

Why do I allow it to get to me?
I hate it that I'm so damned sensitive sometimes. This is why people take drugs, to desensitise themselves for fear that twisted thoughts would inevitably drive them insane, plunging them into the sinister depths of irrationality.

Saturday, July 17th 2010

Butterfly Heaven had a new addition today.

She was walking back to the house after sending him off, an orchestra playing happy tunes in her head. Peaceful melodies, and then suddenly, she saw vague movement on the ground. She bent to take a closer look.

It was a caterpillar, half-squashed. It had probably been partially squashed by someone or something that had fallen on it earlier, but the other half still bravely tried to move. It struggled to walk, and failing, stood still in pain. Poor caterpillar repeated this several times. The girl wasn't sure what to do. Her feet first took her several steps ahead, but then her heart took her back.

She looked around for something, a leaf, a twig, with which she could cover the caterpillar to end its pain.She finally found a dead leaf, brown and dry, and placed it gently over the caterpillar. Then, she raised her foot to kill it.

Was it murder?

Friday, July 16th 2010

I don't even know why I'm here.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe I pulled through an entire day of Chemistry lectures, including the Biomolecules quiz 2, and still await the CSAS tutorial at 4pm. CSAS has always seemed a waste of time to me, even though it's true that some of the skills are used in daily life. Surely there's no need to study in detail and, heaven forbid, teach the subject?
No wonder our CSAS teacher is a little crazy.

I actually came through the morning all right, after having gotten about 7 hours of sleep and a good wholemeal ham-egg-and-cheese sandwich for breakfast. I absorbed the lectures and secretly enjoyed them a little bit, heh.

It rained quite heavily several hours ago, the shower posed as a comforting veil between the world outside and I. I like the rain. I like water. Perhaps that's the medium in which I want to die?
A lot of my stories involve large bodies of water. For example, there's this deaf man who was depressed at a party, sick and tired of not being able to hear sounds and people when they talk. He is alone at the poolside, and slowly begins taking off his shoes and socks. Then, he slips into the water and opens his eyes, gazing at the world from beneath the surface. He lets out a laugh, and then stops. He realises that he can hear his own laughter underwater, so he continues, laughing with the simplistic pleasure of being able to hear, until he drowns, a smile painted on his lips.

Wednesday, July 15th 2010

One thing I really love in the morning is my beloved iPod plugged into my ears.

My ears would then soak up the beautiful, happy melodies of Mozart, like they did this morning. It's simply delightful, I tell you. I don't know how many times I've wished I were alive 300 years ago.
"Le Nozze di Figaro" is playing as I type, I have this strong urge to learn the Zaide aria "Ruhe Sanft". I always get the urge to learn new music when my exams are round the corner, both academic and vocal. I guess it's a form of procrastination for me.
Or an escape.

It's freezing here in TP library. I can't fathom why they have to make it so darn cold. Is it so that our fingers will freeze and we can't type at the computers, thus forcing us to study instead? Even my bottled water has turned cold. Now a whole crowd of students or tourists have entered the library and are clicking their cameras in my direction. (My God, why didn't I dress nicer today?!)

Thank God for the 1-month break before the major exams. I'd die if there were just a week before that. I need, need to drill and set everything into my brain before I sit for the papers, or I can jolly well say goodbye to any future in the medical field. Everyone around me seems so smart and yet, I know that some people just study harder. What scares me is that the people in my course love to study. They actually do it on a daily basis, spending all their free time studying. It's their comfort, their escape, whereas mine are art and music.
Am I different?

I kind of like studying, too, especially when I finally discover how to solve a problem or do a question, but not to the extent of preferring study to sleep. I don't get sufficient sleep as it is.

My rashes are finally clearing up, although still sensitive. I'd been down with a terrible sore throat, followed by a bout of rashes over the past week or so. The constant headache is a given, considering how I don't get enough sleep every day. Finally felt so terrible that I went to a doctor to get it checked up and took an MC on Monday. Spent the day sleeping.

I wish I could take a week off to do all the things I've wanted to do for months but haven't had time for, like painting, drawing, scrapbooking, looking for a new blogskin, designing T-shirts, learning new music, playing instruments, cooking and writing.
Now, I have an average of 3 tests per week, all of them counted in the GPA. New pieces keep coming at choir, and I have to learn them all. Lecture notes keep piling up, assignments thrown unmercifully in my direction.

I feel myself crumbling under the pressure and yet, ironically, this is the life I chose, the one I wanted. Was I delusional? Everyone expects the best of me, each one wants all of my time.

Love keeps me happy, music keeps me sane.

Saturday, 10th July 2010

Life's little things are gifts to be thankful for.

Wednesday, July 7th 2010

What is the greatest obstacle in love?

Some people say status. In olden times, people of a high status in society could not marry peasants, no matter the depth of love. So they eloped. Some people say gender. Though there are more heterosexual marriages, there are still homosexuals that want to get married, but countries ban it. Some people say religion. In certain religions, one has to convert to the religion in order to be "allowed" to marry one's significant other. Some people say it's love itself.

You know, suffering in pain is one thing, but suffering for love is another altogether. There's a taste, a sweetness to it, under the bitter layers of emotion, the numbing arguments, the jade-green jealousy, the salty tears. This might sound masochistic, but I kind of like suffering for love.

Secretly.

Monday, 5th July 2010

How can I not be thankful?

I have so many people who care, my own birthday cake, gifts, countless birthday songs and wishes.
I am blessed, blessed, blessed.

The birthday songs were sung both solo and chorus, the gifts were given in the form of pyjamas to bedroom slippers and junk food. I also received shopping vouchers and money which, I assure you, will come in handy.

No gifts, wishes or courtesy from parents, but suddenly it doesn't matter to me so much anymore. I've spent too many years hoping and waiting for them to say something nice and frankly, I've given up. I'm so thankful I spent the whole of 5th July out at school, far away from them.

My careperson actually didn't want me to go for choir practices temporarily until the sem exams are over, because of my horrible term test results, she wrote to my choir teacher and everything. For a week, I was worried, because I want to go for choir. I love choir. Plus, we have concerts to do! Today, I mustered up enough courage to fight for my case, respectfully but firmly, and won. She says if I want to go for choir, she fully supports my decision, but hopes I will learn to manage my time better so my results won't be so terrible next time.

I'm seeing my CM tomorrow, and shall wear my painted long sleeved shirt with the Oscar Wilde quote, "Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination."

Lastly, a big "Thank You" to all my friends and loved ones for making me feel so special on this day. I like all the songs, presents and wishes you gave me, the compliments you filled my head with, the jokes you made with me today. I am thankful, I am thankful.

Special thanks to Mr. Beautiful- You make me happy just by being here. :)

Saturday, July 3rd 2010

It all began when my mom burst into my room to tell me repeatedly, in her super high-pitched voice, that my tuition teacher was here. Apparently, I had the days mixed up, I thought she would be coming on Sunday.
So I dragged myself out of bed to sit through 2 hours of Chemistry. Time seemed to pass so slowly, it even dragged on longer than it should have. Luckily, it had to end eventually and I hurriedly took a shower and got ready to meet Mr. Beautiful.

I took the MRT down to his house, where he had a cake waiting for me. I almost started tearing when I found out he only had an hour's sleep, preparing everything. I wished for 3 things before blowing out the candles, in the hope that one of them would be fulfilled.
The next activity involved the popping of highly-pressurized balloons in his room. Frankly, I was afraid to do it, for fear that the rubber would snap at my skin. I've enough injuries already. However, it proved to be all right, and I popped them all, out came many little red hearts with messages scrawled upon them.
"I love you because...."

We spent the day in each other's company, and had a cheap and good dinner at Bedok, where we ordered a bowl of curry chicken noodles, wanton mee, fish soup, and two cups of sugarcane juice. We walked around to "aid digestion", and then parted at the bus interchange at about 11pm. I have a feeling there's still more to come after this celebration, heh.

On the way home, I saw a family of cockroaches. They were in a circle, their feelers twitching, the children were eating grains of some sort. It was very, very cute. Cockroaches they may be, but they're a loving family.
--------------------------

And to my Mr. Beautiful-

Thank you for buying me a cake. Thank you for taking the effort to cut out so many hearts. Thank you for taking the effort to cut out the shirt stencil. Thank you for writing music for me. Thank you for losing sleep for me. Thank you for cuddling me. Thank you for loving me.
I love you, too. :)

Friday, June 2nd 2010 (2)

There were tears tonight.

I thought it had been resolved, but then it popped up again, for goodness knows what reason, and frankly, I'm so fed up and tired with it.
I'm not looking forward tomorrow.
I'm not looking forward to Sunday.
I'm not looking forward to Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.

Oh, Cruelty, why do you torment me, even when I am at the edge, at the brink of collapsing? I feel like running away or jumping in the ocean. Please, Cruelty, won't you leave me alone? Won't you let me have a happy birthday this time?

Rabbit, Rabbit, I wish you were here.

Friday, July 2nd 2010

It's been a sad day.

The only thing keeping me sane is music.

Turning 19 next week.
In store for me is a meeting with my choir teacher and careperson, discussing how I am to stop going for choir until my sem exams are over because frankly, my results suck. Then, on the next day, I am to see my course manager for "encouragement", pertaining to my dire term test results.
Damn it.

Bad things always seem to be magnified on my birthday. I mean, I open my eyes in the morning and sniff the air. It always smells special on special days. And then, people start shouting, nagging, saying mean things. Next, come the tears. Sometimes I wish my birthday wouldn't seem so special to me because then I'd be less affected by the bad things that happen on that day.
It seems to me that I'm always more sensitive on my birthday somehow. The week got worse just as I thought it was changing for the better. I guess it took a U-turn along the way. This isn't karma, this is pure cruelty.

However, I do believe that this cruelty will one day benefit me, like it always has. Sometimes I wonder why my life has been so damn harsh, but then I think about each step and what I've learnt, and yes, I've learnt a lot and come a long way. This is just another step to success.

This is just another step to success.
This is just another step to success.