Friday,Feb 23rd 2007

Have you ever feared rejection?
Rejection is one of my greatest fears,alongside negativity and failure.

It's like what I posted yesterday or so,stuff about CLB.It's being told that you're just not good enough,so you have to go.They did say they weren't forcing us to take CLB,but they did say they strongly encourage us to do so,"for our own good".
Today,we were supposed to give Mdm Hong our answers to whether we want/agree to take CLB or not.Asking around,people started to have second thoughts,even those people who were so eager to take it in the first place.
I think Dawn is quite willing.Cherre and Dels are okay with it,too.Not sure if they are taking it,though.I think there were some others who wholeheartedly embraced the idea of taking CLB.I know it seems tempting,it looks so easy.Everything's multiple choice!But where is it really taking you?
What happens after you do take the paper?Is the school lying about that,too?

I said no to CLB,thank God.I felt so..different.Mdm Hong even told the people whose names she read out yesterday to sit together at the other side of the class.It's like she was classifying us,you know?
Why can't everybody just stay the same,why is it so difficult to blend in?How come there's always something about you to change,to make you different from everyone else?
I thought taking Express English was bad enough.
People are never happy with themselves.They always want what other people have,that they don't.It's like people who are pure Normal (Acadamic) are jealous because people like me get to take a higher level of a certain subject.You think it's fun?You think it's good?
Everything's good and bad,I have to admit.
To all you pure Normal (Acad) people out there,be happy with what you've got.You can blend in well with everybody else.Why do you want to stand out and be different?Nobody wants to stand beside you,also literally.
No-one wants to sit with you unless they have no choice.No-one wants to partner you when the class is told to line-up.It's like there's no difference if you're there or not.It won't matter if you don't exist in that classroom,in that school.Why should they go out of their way to make you happy?You're a loner,they have their own friends,so they stick with them and leave the loner alone.
They talk over your head,they talk across you,you're transparent,you're invisible unless you really drill in the fact that hey,you're human and you really are there,you're flesh and blood.
I digressed.

Back to the point,rejection.God is giving me a second chance.It was/is frightening,yet pleasant.How come,you ask?
At the beginning of the year,not too long ago,they held sign-ups and auditions for people who want to perform on Opening Night.I thought no sec 4s were allowed,and I didn't have any courage to go anyway so I didn't.
Only after the auditions were held and sign-ups were closed did I realise how much I regretted not going,not trying out,just to see if I was good enough or not.This is quite embarrassing to admit,I'm telling you.I thought that sign-ups were closed,fullstop.That was it.
But only this morning,Lu Lao Shi announced something about IJ Superstar.It felt special,like I was hearing it from above.I know it sounds stupid,but after I regretted missing the Opening Night auditions,I've decided not to let the chance slip by again.
I'm gonna try out,unless there's a strict rule that says Sec 4s can't take part.I'd hate it,but if that's the case then there's nothing I can do.I guess I won't be too disappointed if they set that rule,because it won't be as if I didn't have the courage to go and audition,it's because they said no.
One thing I fear about it is rejection.
Rejection telling you that you're not good enough for this,thanks for coming and trying out.
Thanks for taking part,but you're not good enough,you're out of the competition.
Thanks for taking part,but nobody voted for you,so you're out of the competition.
Does the competition even go by votes or just judges?
I have seen too many people get crushed watching the American Idol auditions on TV.People get told that they're not good enough by their own idols.I felt so terrible for them,like I was being crushed myself.The thing you always loved to do,and your idol,whom you've loved and looked up to and followed for so long,just tell you that you sound bad,and your whole world turns pitch black.I imagined my idol doing that to me.
I'd run straight out of that room and jump infront of a car or fling myself off a building,no second thoughts whatsoever.
I only know the complete lyrics to one Chinese song,I hope it's enough,if I can get to the finals.Ha,ha,ha.Lu Lao Shi said Chinese and English songs are needed if you get into the finals.I'm not sure I can even make it past the auditions.
I fear that if I am rejected,my whole self-esteem and confidence will crash.Not only that,everything else will crash with it.My pride,my hopes and dreams,my studies.So many disadvantages to consider,I know,but what will happen if I never try?
Probably nothing,but I won't know how good I really am.Don't know if my singing is only nice to my ears,in my mind.Maybe it's horrible.
But you know,so what if I do make it?So what?You get the title,fullstop.What's in a name?I guess it's "you sing well",that's pretty much what every singer wants to hear.But,aiya.Here I am asking myself if it's gonna be worth it,be it if I make it past the auditions or get rejected straightaway,having all those disadvantages...
It's getting humiliated in public,but you can say that's not the worse that could happen.