Tuesday,6th March 2007

Have you ever cracked under pressure?

It's been quite a terrible day.No,not because of the auditions.They went fine.Today had been terrible because of 2 experiences.
Ms Ho yelled at me again.Not sure if she considers that yelling but I almost went deaf.What she yelled hurt me more.It's funny when something you say so easily and casually can hurt someone so much.
I almost yelled back at her.
The one thing she yelled that stuck in my mind was/is "What do you want,Xiulin?",that was a question,really asking about what I want(ed?) in life or in Art.
To tell you guys the truth,I don't really know the answer to that question myself.Of course,everyone has hopes and dreams,but not everyone achieves/reaches them.Nowadays,you almost can't do anything without good academic results.It's as if the world depends on academics now.
People tell you you'll become a nobody without good results.People think you're not smart enough,etc.
If you know me well enough,you'd know that I'm not strong academically.Not at all,actually.Don't count English,that's a "cheat" subject,not that I'm good at it anyway.Things like Math I can't seem to pass.My current ambition requires a certain level of academic qualification(s?),so without good results,I can't get what I want even if I want(ed?) it.

Second experience made me crack.No,it was definitely not as bad as the first experience.I don't even know why it made me crack.I guess I just can't stand people yelling at me.
I went out of my room in the middle of doing my Math assignment to tell Dad about me attending another concert this Friday night.I tried to explain that this Friday was also a holiday in lieu of the O and N thingies,but in the middle of my explanation he cut me off by asking "Where is the concert" with his voiced raised.I slowly answered,"Victoria Concert Hall",then I went back to my room,cried and cried.
Typing about it now,it feels like I'm someone who watched the actions of this girl who went into her room to cry after being yelled at,after having a bad day.I want to reach out to her and tell her to be strong,to stick it out and win the battle,to have the patience to wait.I want to hug and comfort her,telling her that she needn't have to worry about all these problems anymore,they'll disappear soon,she can just go back to being a little kid and not having to take any responsibility,she doesn't have to care or understand,and would be forgiven for all the wrong she does/has/had done.
How can I reach out to her,to make her see that she needs to hold on?She might push me away.